Dead by Morning
by KnottedEnergy
Summary: Love Peeta's character? Then you will love this story! When Katniss is rescued from the arena, Peeta is captured. What happens to him? How does he survive? What's going on in his head? Follows Peeta's POV through MJ but also has brief flashbacks of his childhood / past. Disclaimer: I own nothing; Hunger Games belongs to S. Collins. Anything you recognize is hers alone.
1. Venom

[Author's Note: The first part of this chapter is a scene from another story I wrote called "Banana Nut Bread" (a post Mockingjay story about Peeta coming back to Dist. 12, seeing Katniss again, etc.) – this scene that was a flashback Peeta had in that story, but it happens in real-time in this story.]

Dead by Morning

How will I ever get through this again? I thought. How many times are they going to do this to me? How many times have they already done it?

I saw the man in green standing over me. He moved the needle around in the skin of my arm, and it hurt. The pain was nothing like what was to come through. I knew that. The man had more and more trouble with the needle every time, it seemed. Finally, he stepped back with a look of satisfaction.

I felt the burning in my arm as the fluid began to flow. The effect was almost immediate, faster than the other times. My head felt dizzy, and my vision blurred. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see how the objects in front of me were morphing into frightening puddles of color. The light-headedness was impossible to escape though. The room grew too warm. My throat felt too tight. My thoughts became fuzzy. They were quickly overtaken by the venom.

Then I saw her. I didn't know how they were doing it. I still don't. I thought my eyes were closed, yet I could see her.

She's plotting against me with Rue. I thought. She's cutting the branch so the deadly mutts will drop on top of me. Doesn't she realize I'm here? Me? Not just them. Me! Doesn't she realize that I'm trying to keep people from killing her? She must hate me if she's trying to kill me despite my attempts to protect her. She must want me dead.

My arm felt as though fire shot through it. I tried to reach for it with my other hand, but I was restrained. I tried to cry out, but what escaped my lips was more like a moan. I felt nauseous. I shook. I didn't want to watch anymore.

She wants to kill me, I thought. Maybe I should let her. Or – maybe I should kill her.

My skin felt much cooler. A numbness crept into my fingers and toes. I felt my heart slowing despite the fact that I was still terrified. A profound weakness overcame me, and a sense of weightlessness overwhelmed me. My head felt dizzier than ever, and my body didn't feel as though it touched the bed anymore. Then, I felt nothing…just nothing.

Suddenly I gasped, panicking. I saw the man in green talking on the phone. His back was to me. A woman in green stood over me. Whatever was running swiftly into my arm felt cold. She touched the tubing; there was a beeping noise. She looked behind me as if she was checking something. My vision was clear, and I felt better. My chest stung badly though. It was a strange feeling. I could hear the man in green talking on the phone.

"Yeah, we got him back…I know, I know…There would have been hell to pay if we'd lost him…He's young though; he can take it to some degree, but if they are going to keep dosing this higher and higher they need to consider better ways to keep his blood pressure up and maybe a pacemaker too...I'm just saying, nobody can tolerate drops like that for long…if this kid is so important, then they need to get somebody down here who can handle these emergencies…I just don't want it to be my fault! OK, just let me know what he says."

The man in green left the room, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He was the only one who inflicted these particular torture sessions on me. My brief respite was interrupted when the woman in green pulled my arm in front of her, and injected a syringe of something into the IV tubing.

_What next?_ I thought, and let out an audible groan.

The woman turned on a loud machine behind me.

"That's good. Pretend you are in a lot of pain, Peeta." She whispered.

"I don't really have to pretend." I pointed out. I wondered why I was even bothering to talk to this woman. She was one of my torturers, after all.

"You truly need to pretend you are in pain. I'm going to make them think this is pain medication that I'm giving you. It's in your best interests to protect me so I can continue to protect you." She said.

There was a video camera in the corner of the room near the ceiling, and I wondered why she would talk to me like this with the camera recording. She must have noticed me glancing at the camera.

"They can see us, but they turn the sound off in this room during procedures. They don't want to hear the screaming." She said. "Besides, that suction machine is loud and distorts anything they might hear."

Squinting to see her face more clearly, I realized that I'd certainly never seen this woman before I was imprisoned; I wasn't going to do anything she asked. I was finished "cooperating" with _anyone_. It never helped.

"Protect me? You were protecting me today?" I scoffed.

"You're still alive, aren't you?" She replied somewhat angrily. Then her tone shifted back to a sympathetic one. "Peeta, I don't have time to explain. The Capitol Air Force is going to bomb District 13 tonight. You have to warn District 13 during your interview. The medicine in this syringe is going to help counteract the venom they've been giving you. It probably won't last long, but it should help you stay more focused."

_Interview?_ I thought, _they are going to put me on television in this condition? Why?_

The woman was finished injecting the medicine into the tubing. She stared directly into my eyes with a deadly serious gaze.

"Peeta, Katniss is in District 13. If you want to save her then you have to warn them about the bombing. What's left of District 12 is there too. Virtually everyone you love who is still alive is in District 13. Warn them, please." She pleaded.

"Katniss?" I said. "Katniss." I felt a cold chill run down my spine at her name.

The man in green barged through the door.

"Well, it looks like everyone is terribly busy preparing for the interview tonight or some kind of military action." He said. "The world has turned upside down since this rebellion began, I tell you. How's our patient doing? He has to be ready for the interview tonight despite our mishap today."

"I think we broke a rib or two with the CPR. He was having some pain, and I gave him some morphling," the woman said.

"Normally I'd say just let him stay that way as long as he can breathe, but the kid does have an interview tonight. I think we should give him what he needs as long as he's not snowed? Get it? Snowed?" The man laughed.

"That's funny." The woman replied with a giggle.

Those heartless people were so exhausting. Just being around them was miserable. Could this woman really be on the rebel side of the war? She'd been in this room with me before, and she hadn't stopped the man in green from torturing me. How could I trust anything she was said? It was even possible that her statements were yet another way of confusing and destroying my mind. It could all be an act.

On the other hand, for all I knew, she really was trying to protect me, and she could only do so much without being suspected. What she said about District 12 and District 13 was confusing, especially to my drugged mind. There was one thing I knew for sure though, if I did something the Capitol didn't like in this interview, nobody would be able to protect me.

[Author's note: Peeta is being drugged, tortured and nearly murdered in this chapter; but his mind will get clear enough to think this through soon. Stay tuned. He's still the Peeta you know and love.]


	2. Allies

I slumped to floor as soon as the guards tossed me into my cell again.

"You look awful, Peeta." Johanna remarked from the adjoining cell.

I smiled and shook my head. "Thanks," I said. "Apparently I have an interview tonight so that's encouraging."

Johanna's face was swollen and bruised from a beating she'd endured a few days earlier, but I could still see a faint smile on her lips. She tried hard to hide it, but Johanna actually cared about other people.

"Really? You're going to need a very good stylist." She added. "So what did they do to you today?"

"Same thing they've been doing. Except I think my heart stopped today." I said.

"Your heart is good at that, Peeta."

"Maybe it is just good at restarting; otherwise I wouldn't be here to have it stop again." I pointed out.

My mind drifted back to the clock arena. My heart had stopped then too. Katniss had been so upset; I'd had to comfort and reassure her. Surely she cared for me. Maybe she even loved me.

I put my arms across my knees and laid my head down so that I stared at the floor. It was always hard to imagine Katniss as anything but a monster immediately following the torture sessions, but after a few hours I'd start to realize that the drugs were making me paranoid and that the images I'd seen weren't real. Although I knew what my torturers were doing to my mind, I couldn't stop them from doing it. Each time they drugged me, I became less sure of who Katniss was and who I was in relation to her.

As I rubbed my hands down my face several times, a pain developed deep in my chest. It wasn't from being shocked back to life earlier that day. It was an aching for Katniss, to see her, hear her, and feel her. It was the cruelest of ironies for my torturers to try to make me hate her. I sighed. I couldn't make the ache for her go away. I didn't want to stop thinking about her, but I wanted the pain to stop. A lump rose in my throat.

_Remember something wonderful about her, a time you were with her,_ I told myself.

Recalling happy memories about Katniss had become a way to pass time for me, and it was a respite from the horrors of prison. It was also an attempt to counteract what my tormenters were doing to my mind. I hoped that if I thought of the good memories often enough then nobody would be able to take them away from me.

On that particular day, I focused on how Katniss and I embraced each other on the beach during the Quarter Quell. Knowing that I'd most likely die the next day trying to protect Katniss, I'd wanted to hold her as long as I could that night. There was nothing I wanted more than to show her how much I loved her. Of course, I'd hoped that eventually she'd see that sacrificing myself to protect her – to insure that she was the victor – was also a way of showing her that I loved her.

The memory of the beach was vivid and one of my most treasured. As I recalled it, I could almost feel Katniss' soft lips kissing mine and her fingertips running up and down my arms. The sensation of her body pressed up against mine was there all over again. I sighed just thinking of it. Even in my weaken state my body trembled with the rush of feelings the "girl on fire" brought out in me.

What I felt for her was so much more than mere lust or infatuation, it was love. I loved who she was, not just what she did to me. The love I felt for Katniss had compelled me to plan to die for her twice already. And now I was considering dying for her again. Dying would mean I'd never see her, hold her, touch her, or hear her voice again; at least not in this world. Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of it. I really didn't want to die, but there seemed to be no other way to save Katniss. It always came down to this choice.

"Flashback?" Johanna asked.

"No, just thinking" I said.

"Where is she, Johanna?" I asked. I wanted to at least try to confirm that I'd be protecting Katniss if I chose to do what the woman in green had begged me to do.

"I don't know Peeta, but I really think she is safe. If she hadn't escaped then she'd be here with us in prison."

"You tell me that 12 or 13 times a day, nearly every hour on the hour! I don't think it's true." I said, staring at Johanna and then closing my eyes for several seconds before opening them again.

It was a signal. Johanna knew we were now speaking a language of our own…a language of symbols and innuendos that we hid from our captors.

"You have a point, Peeta, but clocks don't strike 13 except in haunted houses and fairy tales. They can only strike up to 12," she continued.

_So district 13 isn't real? Is that what she's saying? _I asked myself.

"I believe in fairy tales," I said. "And you aren't making sense anymore by the way."

"I believe in fairy tales too, Peeta."

_Oh, _I thought. _Johanna believes or knows that district 13 exists. The "fairy tale" is real._

"Did you know that my favorite fairy tales always have a princess, Peeta? I bet you wouldn't have imagined that."

_Katniss is in District 13. She's the "princess" in the "fairy tale." _I deduced. For a moment I thought of how Katniss would roll her eyes at being referred to as a "princess." Of course, the idea of Johanna liking fairy tales was also laughable. I tried to focus on the matter at hand again.

_What about "clocks can only strike up to 12?" Did that mean it was impossible for the Capitol to fight District 13? Had they been unable to subdue District 13 for some reason? If so, maybe that had changed? After all, the lady in green had said that the Capitol was going to bomb District 13. _

"No, I wouldn't have imagined that you liked those, Johanna. Maybe I should tell the country a fairy tale tonight. I'm good at telling stories." I said.

_How many people in Panem are even aware of District 13? _I thought._ How many people will find out about it if I warn District 13 of an attack? How will that affect the war? How will it affect Katniss? _

"I'm not sure how a fairy tale would go over. Why would you want to tell them a fairy tale?" Johanna asked.

"Because it keeps the fairy tale alive." I answered. "It keeps it going. Otherwise, it might die out."

There was a long pause. I could tell that Johanna understood that District 13 was in some kind of grave jeopardy and that I was considering revealing that in my interview.

"Is this what people do before they die, talk about fairytales?" I asked.

"probably." Johanna responded. "more than probably." She added.

_Yes, I agreed with her. If I spoke of District 13 at all, I would be ensuring my death. I only hoped that Snow would be in a fit of anger and have me killed immediately and quickly just for the satisfaction of knowing that I was dead. I didn't want to be tortured to death like Darius._

That afternoon, I was so tired that I fell asleep sitting up against the wall of the cell. I dreamed of Katniss in this place I barely knew existed…District 13. She was alone and crying. I tried to put my arms around her and comfort her the way I had on the train during the Victory Tour, but when I tried to touch her my hands passed right through her.

I woke with a start, realizing that I was fully committed to saving Katniss in any way that I could. My life was over anyway. Hers was the only one that mattered. I had to make sure I got my message of warning across though. The technicians would cut the broadcast if they realized I was warning District 13. I planned and plotted. What I didn't know was that my own mind would betray me. The battle would not be for what words to say and when to say them; it would be for the ability to say the words at all.


	3. Impressions

We were given stale bread and water for dinner. I was glad the bread wasn't moldy, as it usually was. I was used to stale bread because I grew up on it.

After dinner the guards opened the door to my cell.

"Let's go, Mellark," one of them said.

I gave Johanna a slow wave goodbye before the other guard cuffed my hands.

"Good luck, Peeta." She said quietly. I wondered how Johanna would cope with prison when she was completely alone. I knew Johanna agreed with me that it was a wise undertaking to warn District 13 of danger, maybe even a noble one. Her eyes confirmed it even as I left. Knowing that I'd likely never return to this cell next to hers still caused a twinge of guilt though.

I was taken to a shower room and told get cleaned up for the interview. It was the first shower I'd had in many weeks. It felt really good. I was amazed at how dirty I was and how much dead skin I scrubbed off my body. The soap and clean white towel were unbelievable luxuries. Once dressed in clean undergarments and a prison jumpsuit, I was escorted into an area of the prison that contained offices. The guards were actually respectful in this more public area. A few of the office workers smiled at me. Then I saw someone I never thought I'd see again…Portia!

"Peeta," she said. "I'm so glad to see you."

She glanced at me from head to toe. I didn't know if she was deciding what outfit I should wear for the interview or was concerned about how I looked. Honestly, I didn't know how I looked. There weren't any mirrors even in the shower room. Portia started to tear up, but I didn't know if she was crying for me or for her. Her life probably wasn't easy these days either.

"Let's get started." She said as she led me into a bathroom. The guards waited outside. The room was small and windowless. A camera was perched in the corner of the ceiling. There was a mirror though. I didn't even recognize myself in it at first. My hair was longer than it had ever been, curling at the ends. My eyes looked sunken and dull. I'd probably lost at least 15 pounds.

"I guess you don't have much to work with, Portia." I pointed out.

"Non-sense, I am just so glad that you are alive, Peeta. When you went into the arena, I thought I'd never see you again."

She handed me an orange and a small bag of shelled walnuts.

"I brought you these. I wish I could have brought more." She said.

"Thank you. Thank you so much." I told her. I tried not to eat the walnuts too greedily. She already looked so worried.

After I finished eating, Portia cut my hair. I looked a little more like myself, but not much. Then she helped me remove the top of the jumpsuit so that she could begin to apply the thick television make-up at the proper places on my neck. When she started to remove the undershirt too, I grabbed her hands.

"Can you do it without taking the shirt off?" I asked quietly.

"Why?" She replied.

Portia glanced down, and I heard her gasp at the site of my arms. She turned my hands over so that she could see both sides of my arms and hands. They were covered with bruises and needle marks. She closed her eyes and looked as though she was about to burst into tears. Then she gathered her composure and began to help me remove the undershirt again. There were pink burn marks on my left side and chest from the shocks they'd given me to restart my heart earlier that day. Portia took a step back and covered her hand with her mouth, her eyes closing again.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta. I'm so sorry. It makes me ashamed of who I…"

"Portia, this really isn't your fault. You are doing the best you can do for me. I'm glad you are here. We can just focus on the interview."

After a brief pause Portia agreed. "Okay, Peeta. Whatever helps you most."

Portia worked miracles to hide the dark circles around my eyes with make-up. The rest of the make-up served to make me look less pale, but did little to help my appearance other than that. Then Portia took a white undershirt out of the case of clothing she'd brought with her.

"This one is softer. I think it will feel better against those burns." She said.

"Thank you." I said genuinely as she helped me put on the new shirt.

I felt like I'd been given a final gift in seeing Portia again. She was making my burdens easier to bear without even knowing what many of them were.

Portia helped me dress in the smallest of my suits from the Quarter Quell events. She worked diligently with her needle and thread to take the suit in enough to look acceptable for the interview.

While she stitched, I asked her, "why are they doing this, Portia? Doesn't it just make them look bad to display what they've done to me?"

"Peeta, I think they are going to blame what's happened to you on Katniss. They are going to present you as a broken man who was betrayed by the woman he loved."

"The woman I _love."_ I clarified.

"Well, they want you to say that you don't love her, Peeta. Plus, they are going to imply that the baby isn't yours." Portia confided.

I looked down at the floor. There was nothing that I could do. I was at their mercy in so many ways. I'd never felt more hopelessly in the clutches of the Capitol, not even when I was in the arena. The only power I had was a sentence or two that I might be able to squeeze into the interview before they murdered me.

"I know the baby is yours, Peeta. People won't believe that it's not. They won't believe that Katniss betrayed you in that way or any other way. It's not going to work." Portia volunteered.

"Katniss." I said. Her name seemed to stick in my throat. "She didn't betray me." I heard the doubt in my voice, and I didn't really intend for it to be there.

Portia turned her head to the side and stared at me, perplexed.

"You don't sound too sure," she said.

I felt my head start to spin. My thoughts were too fast and jumbled. Images of Katniss cutting the branch and dropping the tracker jacker nest in front of me invaded my mind. She was laughing all the while, taunting me.

I closed my eyes tightly. Leaning forwards slightly, I put my hand on my forehead.

_It's just that poison they gave me. _I told myself. _It's just the poison._

Portia grabbed my shoulders and sat me down on the stool by the mirror as my knees started to buckle.

"Peeta," She said in a panicked whisper. "Open your eyes. Are you alright?"

I took a few deep breaths and willed my mind to slow down. Then I looked up at Portia.

"She didn't betray me, did she?" I said sounding confident that I knew that the answer was "no."

"No, I don't think she did." Portia replied just as confidently.

[AN: This chapter sets up the next one, the interview itself - which is going to be a shocker for Peeta. Thanks for reading. Come back and read Chapter 4! Please leave some feedback if you can. It's helpful to know what you think and is very encouraging!]


	4. The Clock Struck Twelve

I couldn't help but squint my eyes in response to the bright lights as I was escoted to the make-shift stage. It was in the center of what appeared to be a military strategy room. A large azure blue screen covered one wall completely, and on the screen was a detailed map of Panem.

The map seemed translucent, as if a fluid floated just behind the screen. My hands were still in handcuffs, but as I walked past the map I touched my fingers on the label "District 12." To my surprise, the label lit up with yellow and orange flames. I touched my hand to another district and a picture of a derailed train appeared.

"Peeta!" The unmistakable voice of Caesar Flickerman boomed from behind me. Caesar smiled warmly and tried to shake my hand. He looked sheepish when I strained to reach my hand through the handcuff in order to reciprocate. It was a strange expression to see on the face of the fearlessly optimistic Caesar Flickerman.

"I don't think those are necessary." Caesar said to a peacekeeper as he glanced down at the handcuffs.

"I don't give the orders; I just follow them," he explained.

Caesar scoffed at the peacekeeper, waving his hand dismissively.

"Barbaric!" He whispered.

_The interviewer of countless doomed teenagers finds handcuffs barbaric?_ I thought.

"Peeta, I heard about how ill you've been. It's terrible what she did to you: lying to you, cheating on you, and abandoning you. "

Pressing my lips together slightly, I narrowed my eyes. I studied Caesar's face and tried to discern if he believed what he was saying. I couldn't say for sure, but my gut told me that he did.

"I'll live." I said with a shrug.

"I'm sure you will be fine with time, Peeta. You are a very strong person." Ceasar said encouragingly as he slapped me on the shoulder.

"Unfortunately, we are going to have to discuss those betrayals tonight. Katniss betrayed the whole country as well. This broadcast will discredit Katniss as a person and the rebellion as a movement."

_She didn't betray me! _I thought. _She couldn't. Katniss wouldn't leave me here. We won the Hunger Games together, and we trained for a second together. She wouldn't just leave me here. _

My body felt weak again, just as it had when I was with Portia preparing for the program. I struggled to continue to stand as Katniss' hands seemed to touch my arms. But her caresses felt like fire and burned painfully. I winced.

_It's just the poison._ I told myself. Yet I listed to the side. Ceasar caught my arm.

Acknowledging my distress, Caesar added, "I know Peeta, it is all very disturbing, isn't it?"

He motioned for a technician and moments later I felt a chair slide up behind me. Ceasar told me to sit down.

"I'll try to make it easier for you, Peeta." Ceasar continued, "I'll make the statements about her behavior so you can simply tell the audience your reaction. I've found that works best in these types of emotionally charged interviews."

As the battle continued to rage in my head, a technician appeared from the back of the room where monitors and control panels had been set-up to run the broadcasting equipment.

"President Snow has just arrived. Mr. Mellark, we need you to take your seat. For the first part of the interview, all you have to do is read the script provided on the screen. The second part of the interview will be impromptu and handled by Mr. Flickerman."

Since Caesar deemed me unsafe to walk completely by myself, he and a peacekeeper each took one of my arms and made sure I arrived safely on the stage. I saw Ceasar staring at my bruised hands as we walked, and wondered how he reconciled them with his explanation of my deterioration. Perhaps he thought they were self-inflicted or that the needle marks were from drug abuse. The peacekeeper removed my handcuffs and strapped my shoes into metal rungs that sat below the chair. Then he flipped a switch and I felt my shoes being pulled by an invisible force towards the floor. I couldn't move my feet at all. The rungs affected my prosthetic foot and my normal one equally.

"Hello, Peeta. I trust that they have been treating you well in the accommodations I've arranged for you." President Snow said with a smirk as he sat down in the chair next to mine. It was identical to mine but without the metal rungs. I turned my head away from the president, saying nothing.

"That's very rude, Peeta. It's very unlike you," the president goaded. "It's no way to treat someone who holds the power of life and death over you. I've already burned your family alive, you know."

I couldn't help but turn to look at him, my brow furrowing in confusion.

"You heard me correctly. Everyone's dead in District 12. The air force turned that god-forsaken mountain full of coal into a furnace. I personally ordered my peacekeepers to nail the bakery doors shut with your family inside right before the bombing."

"You're lying. Coal is important. You'd never firebomb your source of coal." I said, not really sure if what I was saying was true.

"We started with the merchant district, Peeta. As the fire broke out one of your brothers managed to escape the bakery through a window, but the peacekeepers shot him. He bled to death in the middle of the street listening to the rest of your family scream for mercy. And it is all because of your girl, Peeta. It's all because she doesn't know her place!"

His voice transformed into a hiss with that last sentence.

My stomach lurched, and I thought the orange and walnuts I'd eaten earlier might reappear. I prayed silently that it wasn't true. Then I remembered the screen. Orange and yellow flames had appeared over District 12 when I touched the map. Could it really be true that my home was gone? My family gone?

_The clock strikes 12, _I thought.

"Katniss is in District 13…What's left of District 12 is there too. Virtually everyone you love who is still alive is in District 13." The woman in green had said.

"And the baby, Peeta," the president continued, "It's not yours. We know it isn't. She lied to you. She was with someone else - maybe her _cousin, _Gale_." _President Snow added, emphasizing the falsity of Gale being related to Katniss.

"There is no pregnancy. I spun that web of lies about the marriage and the baby to try to protect Katniss in the arena. If you don't know that then you're more gullible than I thought."

"No, she really is pregnant." Snow went on, "when we placed the tracker in her arm we obtained a small tissue sample from the injector. It's amazing what one can find out these days from just a few cells of a person's body. She's pregnant."

_I don't even remember being with Katniss like that. _I thought._ She can't be pregnant…unless she has been with Gale._

"And how would you know who the father is?" I asked.

"The odds were not in your favor, Peeta." President Snow said with a smirk. "Katniss is a liar and a whore."

I shook my head to try to clear my thoughts as the Capitol anthem started playing.

Cursing my vivid imagination, I thought of my mother's arms and how they probably beat on the door of the bakery as the flames consumed it and then consumed her. She'd beaten me bloody using those arms more than once, but she'd brought me into the world. At least for that, I'd been grateful.

Thinking of my brother's blood running into the gutters, I wondered where they'd shot him and how many times. My leg stung where I'd been wounded in the Hunger Games. The agony of flesh ripped open was something I'd experienced. Did my brother feel the same type of pain I'd felt in my leg as Cato's sword slashed it? Was he really aware of the rest of our family's agony as he died?

An image of Katniss stroking her belly with soft circular motions filled my vision. It was so real that it bordered on a hallucination. Her belly made her shirt rise a bit on her slight frame. Gale stood by her smiling proudly.

"We left you behind," he taunted. "She doesn't need you. She's never needed you."

My palms grew sweaty, and I struggled to wipe them on a part of my clothing that would not show during the interview. My forehead and face broke out in a sweat too. The technician repeatedly gave me the cue for me start the program. After a few more seconds, an eternity in television, I returned to my senses and forced myself to begin reading the script. There was a rumble in my voice, evidence of rage. My anger toward the Capitol, Gale, and Katniss grew with every second. My voice trembled with fury as I discussed the train derailment. My eyes failed to focus properly.

Then the monitors over the technicians' control panels lost our television feed. Katniss appeared on the screen standing in the shell of a burned out building. Seeing her sent a jolt through me. My hands clinched into fists as rage consumed me, but I could feel familiar warmth in my chest as well. Although temporary unable to interpret my feelings for Katniss, let alone control them; I knew I still cared for her deeply. It didn't seem to matter what she did or said, I loved her. I looked down to her belly. It was impossible to tell whether or not she was pregnant under the loose clothing she wore.

_Maybe I am ill. It isn't normal to love a person who causes you so much pain. _I thought.

The technician desperately moved his arms in rolling motions, signaling me to keep going with the broadcast, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Katniss. The rawness of my emotions was unbearable as they vacillated between love and hate. Behind Katniss, I noted the melted oven.


	5. Error

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	6. Dead by Morning

The bakery had been burned to the ground, and Katniss was standing in the ashes. The ashes no doubt contained the remains of my family. President Snow's words echoed through me.

"_And it's all because of your girl. It's all because she doesn't know her place!" _He'd said.

I wanted Katniss to move.

_She shouldn't walk on ground so sacred to me. _I thought.

My silence had lasted much too long. I knew had to resume the broadcast or risk being cut out the program completely. Looking at Katniss' image on the screen one more time, I began reading the script again. Katniss disappeared. A wave of fear rushed over me as if she'd already been taken from me.

_She'll die. They'll kill her if I don't do this. _I thought frantically._ She'll burn alive too, and __she is all I have left._

My image could be seen on the screen again, and I began reading the part of the script that explained the bombing of a water purification plant. I'd said only a phrase or two when I was replaced by Finnick talking about Rue and the Hunger Games. The battle for control of what would be seen in homes across Panem that night intensified after that.

The technicians briefly restored my image to the screen, but I'd stopped speaking by then. News clips of the war provided by the rebels flashed before us on the screens. They were fascinating! The fact that the down-trodden districts had been able to fight against the Capitol to that degree was inconceivable.

_District 13 must exist, and they must be helping the districts with the rebellion._ I thought_._ _Perhaps they are behind it all._

For the first time I thought victory was possible for the rebels. If victory was possible, then Katniss could live. There was no time for celebration though; I had a job to do.

"We're off air; nothing is running! They aren't on-air either!" The technician shouted.

"Good! Keep it that way until you can get control long enough for me to explain what's happening." Snow shouted back.

Snow turned to me. His voice was shockingly casual, as if we were old friends. "Peeta, you have to be dead on at this point. Appeal to Katniss for a ceasefire. You must do it. Do you understand me? Don't make me kill you, and don't make me obliterate any more districts. Their blood is on your hands if you do. This war has to stop here and now."

"Back on!" The technician shouted as he gave us our cue.

Snow began addressing the people of Panem. I grew completely still, trying to prepare for the task ahead of me. Yes, I did have to be dead on if my message was to be received. It had to be perfectly clear, yet subtle. Snow turned to me.

"Given tonight's demonstration, Peeta, do you have any parting thoughts for Katniss Everdeen?"

_Parting thoughts. Parting thoughts. This is indeed our parting_.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. The words I was going to say were not those that I wanted to be my parting thoughts for Katniss, but they were the ones that had to be said.

"Katniss…" I began.

I felt my head start to swim as her name crossed my lips. My hands began to shake, and my heart pounded. Clinching my fists so hard that my nails cut into the flesh of my palms, I broke out into a cold sweat.

"_No, no no. Not now. This can't happen now." _I thought.

Being unable to stop the inevitable, I quickly became lost in that nightmare world again.

The taunting version of Katniss sat on the branch of a tree, just out of my reach.

"I'm pregnant, Peeta. You and I both know that it's not by you," she laughed so hard the tree branch shook.

She turned her head to the side as if gauging my reaction.

"Does that hurt you?" She asked mockingly. "Good! You took my life from me! You made it impossible for me to kill you in the games! I'd rather be dead than spend my life with you, yet that's what the Capitol demanded of me! I had to get my life back! But the country had to believe that I loved you and would grieve for you. The more tragic your death, the more sympathetic they'd be when I moved on with my life. We had to leave you behind because you have to die. Although everything turned out a little different than I planned, the outcome will still be the same. You'll be dead, and I'll have my life back."

_It's the poison! _I told myself. _What she is saying isn't true. She could have shot an arrow through Cato and let us both fall to the mutts. She could have let me bleed to death. I was already dying. Killing me was unnecessary. She chose to make sure I came home. She was distraught when I nearly died in the Quarter Quell. Distraught and crying!_

I decided to imagine speaking to a 12 year old Katniss, a girl desperate to feed her family. _She_ was a girl that I knew I could trust. Unclinching my fists, I took a deep breath as I began again,

"Katniss…How do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you…in _Thirteen_…"

I took a deep breath, fighting the image of a malicious Katniss laughing hysterically at even the thought of me as her lover.

"Dead by morning!" I finished.

My muscles lost all strength as I collapsed into the chair.

I heard more noises and realized that the broadcasts from the rebels had invaded the Capitol's programing again. Katniss appeared on the screen looking strong and capable in a military uniform. She was standing outside a field hospital. I put my hand over my mouth to try to hide my smile.

"End it!" I heard Snow shout. There was a thud as a nearby camera hit the floor.

A peacekeeper released my feet from the metal rungs and two others yanked me out of the chair. They tossed me onto the cold, white tiled floor where I landed sitting upright. I'd learned from watching them torture others that there was no point in resisting. It only made them angrier.

One of them raised a club over his shoulder. I tried to brace myself, but the blow was strong and swift. It knocked me completely to the floor. Suddenly there was blood everywhere, running down my face and splattering across the floor. A second blow to the back of my head immediately followed and caused me to cry out in pain.

_This is how I'll die then? Being beaten to death? I hope they aren't allowing any of this on-screen. Nobody should see this. Not my friends, not Katniss, not Gale._

More blows and more blood followed. The peacekeepers kicked me in the stomach, the back, and the head with their white boots. The boots quickly become speckled with blood droplets, and the floor became slippery. One peacekeeper slipped but regained his balance before he fell. As if I was being punished for bleeding too much, I received a forceful blow to the head from him. Mercifully, it causes my mind to go blank.


	7. Aftermath

_She's there, and she's not a monster anymore._

_Katniss leans over me and runs her fingers through my hair. I feel her touch my forehead and then brush her fingertips down my cheek. She turns her hand over affectionately when she nears my chin. I shift my head to the side slightly so I can see her better and realize that my head rests in her lap._

"_Peeta, I would never leave you behind," Katniss declares. "I didn't know about any plans to rescue the victors. I swear. All I wanted was to get you out of the arena alive, but not like this! Not so they could torment you! They've hurt us both too much already! _

_Her gray eyes shine with fresh tears. The salty residues of long dried ones are evident on her cheeks as well. I reach up to wipe a tear away, but Katniss captures my hand in hers instead. Seeing the bruises on my hand, she kisses them with a reverent gentleness that I can hardly believe. I feel guilty for doubting her for even a second. _

_Holding my hand against her tear-stained cheek, Katniss whispers, and "Stay with me." _

_I don't even have to think about my reply. "Always." _

A desperate voice seized my attention. "Peeta! Peeta! Say something else!"

The first assault on my senses as I awoke was unadulterated pain, and it was everywhere. I felt the need to move to cope with it, but when I moved the pain only intensified. A groan involuntarily escaped my throat, followed quickly by another. It was impossible for me to get a deep breath. Every time I tried I felt like something sharp was stabbing me in the chest. As I opened my eyes, I realized that my eyelashes were partially joined together by dried blood. Still, I could see. I caught sight of Johanna and the gray walls of my prison cell before closing my eyes again. At least I knew where I was.

"Peeta, I thought you might not wake up. Can you say anything?" She asked.

"No," I managed to croak out before another groan escaped my lips, "Sorry."

"Beaten within an inch of your life, and you are still apologizing, Mellark. Some things never change." Johanna remarked.

I tried to smile, but at that moment all of my focus had to be on breathing.

"Try to open your eyes, Peeta," Johanna said, her voice softening.

I opened them slowly, wondering what good she thought it would do. The only barrier between our cells was a clear solid material, and I could see Johanna clearly through it. Johanna moved closer. Worry etched every crease of her face.

"You're going to be alright, Peeta," she reassured me, even though everything about her demeanor contradicted that statement.

"If they wanted you dead, you'd be dead," she added.

Johanna silently placed the palm of her hand on the clear barrier. I slowly reached my hand to meet Johanna's. Only my fingertips made it there. Still, I felt less alone. I focused on breathing – just breathing.

They left me alone for a day or so. Breathing remained painful, but I tried to take deep breathes because Johanna said I'd get pneumonia if I didn't. Although I was black and blue with bruises, I didn't seem to have any broken bones. It was hard to tell if the blows to my head caused any damaged because I already felt like I was going crazy from the tracker jacker venom. Johanna mentioned that the peacekeepers avoided damaging my face, though they didn't mind pummeling me in the head.

"They want to keep you looking presentable for television. They can blame Katniss for you looking sick, but they can't blame Katniss for bruises and gashes on your face," she'd said.

Johanna said she'd overheard the guards talking about how Caesar Flickerman had been the one who told the Peacekeepers to stop beating me. Apparently Flickerman told them that they shouldn't make a martyr out of me if they hoped to win the war. The prison guards thought it was uproariously funny that a group of peacekeepers had followed the orders of a TV personality.

On the 2nd night after the beating I was taken to the office area again and introduced to a stylist I'd never seen before. She silently prepared me for another interview. The stylist seemed unaffected when she saw the severity of the injuries to my upper body. Soon I was brought to a conference room where Caesar Flickerman waited in one of two chairs on a make-shift stage.

Caesar stood up and greeted me. I was not in handcuffs this time. He shook my hand and gently patted my shoulder. "Good to see you, Peeta. How are you holding up?"

"Fine," I lied.

Caesar gave me a knowing glance and then began to discuss the program. The interview was not going to be televised live for obvious reason. Ceasar told me he'd give me a list of information about Katniss that the interview was supposed to reveal. He added that I was supposed to agree with any negative comment he made about her. This was going to be the complete opposite of our first interview.

Caesar must have sensed that I was very hesitant because he pointed out that Katniss wouldn't want me risking my life for her.

"You know what they'll do to you if you fail to discredit her, Peeta. You have Johanna to think about too. As far as anyone knows, Katniss is safe. You aren't safe. Johann is not safe. Just remember that," He advised. He gave me the list of information and sat down in his chair.

I read the list, shaking my head in disbelief.

The room was quiet as the interview began. This was my first personal interview with no audience.

The fanfare was missing; the music and emblems would be added later.

"Peeta, I know the country is curious as to what is going on in your life. Please tell us how you have been doing since our last interview?" Caesar began.

"I haven't been well, Caesar. I lost the woman I loved and it's very painful," I replied.

I knew my usual way with words was failing me. The lack of torture with tracker jacker venom made me more able to talk about Katniss though.

"And how exactly have you lost her, Peeta. Couldn't you still be together someday?"

"No, Caesar. It's over. What's she's done to me and our country is unforgivable."

"And what exactly has she done, Peeta?"

I thought of Johanna. I couldn't stand to watch anyone else be tortured to death like Darius and the Avox girl had been. Darius' death had been especially horrifying and took days.

"She lied. She pretended to be falling in love with me during the 74th Hunger Games, but it was all a lie. She just wanted to win. Then she cheated by using those berries to deny the country a true winner. When we went on the Victory Tour she pretended to be in love with me again, but it was a ruse." I explained.

I picked up the glass beside me and drank a little water.

"And how did you feel about all of that Peeta?" Caesar asked.

"I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't know she was lying, Caesar. I thought she loved me. It is only recently that most of this has become apparent."

I was supposed to become upset during the interview. This seemed like as good a time as any. I paused.

"While we were on the Victory Tour we made plans to marry. It was a special time for us, or so I thought. Katniss convinced me that we should become…intimate," I said quietly.

My voice cracked, but it was real. I didn't want to say the things I was being forced to say about Katniss and me. I wasn't entirely sure of what Katniss would want me to do either. The whole situation really did upset me.

"As soon as we got home, she resumed her relationship with Gale Hawthorne. I didn't know that at the time. I thought, like everyone else, that Gale was her cousin. Now both Gale and Katniss are leaders in the rebel army." I said.

Then Caesar asked the question on everyone's mind.

"And what of the baby, Peeta? Is the baby yours? He asked.

I wasn't sure why, but this was the question I dreaded the most. It was evidence of my absolute inability to remember really important matters. Was she really pregnant? Had we been together in a way that would get her pregnant? These are not things I would forget under normal circumstances. I really was going insane.

"I thought it was, but it's become clear that the baby is not mine. A test done before the Quarter Quell confirms that. It doesn't confirm exactly who the father is though. I suspect it could be one of several men back home. Sadly, Katniss is not the person I thought she was." I said quietly.

A pang of guilt hit me in the gut. I couldn't even believe the words were coming out of my mouth. I was basically calling Katniss a slut! Still, she probably would want me to say it if it kept me alive. It was just so hard for me to say it.

"So, Peeta. This has been really hard for you. You've had some health problems and been hospitalized? Correct?" Caesar went on.

This was the part were the Capitol explained why I looked so terrible without admitting I was being tortured in a high security prison!

"Yes, I have," I confirmed. "I never thought this would happen to me, Caesar. I'm a very optimistic person, but being betrayed by Katniss broke me." I explained. "I didn't even want to live anymore. That's what her betrayal did to me. I haven't been well since the Quarter Quell and don't know if I ever will be again."

The last line I said was certainly true, but not for the reasons the audience would assume.

The interview closed with a few parting words from Caesar about how Katniss' betrayal had impacted the rest of the country.

"She lied to all of us about so many things," he'd said.

Afterwards, Caesar reminded me that he thought I'd made the right decision to cooperate with the interview. I wasn't so sure. On the other hand, I wasn't sure how many more times they could hit me in the head before it killed me. I'd based my decisions on the principle that Katniss would understand why I'd risked my life to warn District 13 about the bombing, but would believe I was throwing my life away if I hadn't done this more personal interview out of fear that it would hurt her reputation.

Oddly, after the interview, I couldn't shake the notion that some of the criticisms about Katniss were true, or at least partially true. She did lead me to believe she was falling in love with me. Her ambivalent and uncaring attitude after the games was upsetting, especially in light of the fact that she spent every Sunday with Gale. Katniss wasn't perfect, but I still loved her.

And there was something about a beach that I remembered. Something about really knowing that she cared about me when we were on the beach, but I couldn't remember the details.


	8. Forgetting

Lying on the cold concrete floor of my cell, I stared up at the ceiling. My feet rested against the wall, and at times I tapped them nervously. The strain of concentrating for hours had tired me, but I tried one more time to recall the memory on the beach that eluded me. Whatever it was, it was about Katniss. I went over the facts I knew again.

_Okay. There are no beaches in District 12 because it's in the mountains! So the beach couldn't have been back home. There are beaches in District 4, but we only saw them in passing on the Victory Tour. Effie kept us on such a tight schedule. I know there was a beach in the arena for the Quarter Quell. That has to be the one. What happened though? I remember being startled by a loud noise, but it's whatever happened before the loud noise that has all the emotions attached to it. It has to be something sensual because it makes me feel...like that…to try to remember it. It's more than just sensual though. _

I tried to imagine kissing Katniss on a beach, just to see if it felt the same way as what I was trying to remember. It didn't. Instead it felt artificial. The memory I was trying to recall felt so much more intense. Did that mean it wasn't a kiss? Did it mean it was more than that? Was it more intense because it was a memory and not a fantasy?

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I was incredibly frustrated. The memory was gone. Katniss was gone as well. I couldn't even ask her about what had happened. What else could my captors take from me? My sanity? They were taking that too. My life? It was only a matter of time before they killed me. It might be on purpose, or it might be an accident. It would happen though.

I cursed under my breath, which was something I never did.

"Curse some more, Mellark. You hold stuff in too much. It's going to kill you even if these prison guards don't," I heard Johanna say from the next cell.

"I thought you were asleep," I replied.

"How can I sleep with that infernal artificial foot tapping the wall? At least the other one doesn't make a noise.

Not caring about her lack of grace, I turned to Johanna.

"There really was a beach at the Quarter Quell, right?" I asked.

"You're thinking about that again?" She asked sounding frustrated. Maybe she was just tired.

"Yes, it bothers me that I can't remember what happened with Katniss there," I explained.

"Yes, you've mentioned that." She replied.

I looked away.

"Listen, Peeta. Nobody is pumping me full of dangerous drugs, and I can tell you for certain that there was a beach at the Quarter Quell. Okay?"

"It must have been there then," I said, mostly to myself.

"Have you figured out what 'it' is?" Johanna sounded like she was trying to be a little more sensitive. I was grateful. She was my only confidant after all.

"No," I said sadly.

Johanna sighed.

"We spent the night on the beach the last night. Do you remember that?

"No."

"Wow, Really?" Johanna said.

"I know. It's terrible. There's so much that I can't remember," I said as my voice started to waver.

"Johanna, can I ask you something?

"I think you're already asking me things?" She quipped. I could hear in her voice that she was smiling though.

"Do you know whether or not Katniss is really pregnant?" I asked.

Johanna sat up, something I wasn't expecting. I turned to look at her again, thinking maybe she knew something.

"You mean, _you_ don't know?" She said, truly perplexed.

I moved my legs from the wall and drew them to my chest. It helped to make my chest feel better. They don't call it "heart-break" for no reason.

"No, I don't. I don't even remember if we..." I paused.

"…did it?" She finished, lowering her gaze to match my shy one.

I nodded before laying my head down on my knees so Johanna could no longer see my face.

I expected Johanna to make some obnoxious comment like, "I think you'd remember that, Mellark." I was wrong.

Instead she said, "What they are doing to you is terrible, Peeta. I think it causes you even more pain than the beating they gave you. I'm sorry that it's happening, and I'm sorry that I can't help you more. I don't know if Katniss is really pregnant. I heard only what the public heard."

"I would love it, you know. I would love anything that belonged to her, even if it wasn't mine too," I went on as I started to cry.

"What are you talking about? Johanna asked sounding confused.

"If the baby isn't mine, I could still love it."

"Why wouldn't it be yours? Peeta, you can't listen to the garbage they are telling you. They are taking your memories of Katniss from you and replacing them with confusing and terrifying ones. I think that's their goal in using the tracker jacker venom. You seem almost afraid of Katniss sometimes. You are certainly angry with her. You weren't like that before the drugs. It's hard for you to see what's going on because they are doing all of this to you, but they are making you believe lies."

I wanted to trust Johanna, but Katniss really had hurt me. Most of what I could remember about her involved her ignoring, misleading, or hurting me. I loved her so much, but she had never returned that love. Not that I could remember anyway.

"Peeta, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone," Johanna said.

"Okay," I replied curiously. I was grateful for the reprieve from my dark thoughts.

"I stopped believing in goodness. I certainly stopped believing in love. It was after I was in the games. The killing I'd seen other people do changed me. The killing I'd done to win haunted me. It _haunted _me. People don't think I feel guilty, but I do. I'm a hard person, but I could never have killed without a reason. The Capitol made me a killer. They made us all killers.

Peeta, when you and Katniss were in the games, you made me think. You didn't play the game the way you were supposed to play it. I was amazed at how Katniss cared for that little girl. How she went to find you and risked her life to save your dwindling life? That was incredibly brave …and _good_. She didn't have to do it. She could have just stayed with you while you died like she did with the little girl. That would have still been good, but she chose to risk her life to get something that would save yours.

And you, Peeta. You joined a group of people you despised to protect Katniss. You fought _Cato_ to protect her even after she attacked you and the careers.

You and Katniss made me believe that even in a death match, people could be good. I wasn't sure about the love part though, but I watched you two. You went all over the country trying to make everyone believe you were the perfect couple. I knew some of that had to be fake. When I saw you in the Capitol for the Quarter Quell, I was convinced that you were close though. It was obvious that you cared about each other. It was also painfully clear that you were willing to sacrifice your life for hers.

Peeta, what's really interesting is that I think she was willing to do the same thing for you. She seemed to want to protect you, even at the cost of her own life. That's love. You and Katniss made me think it was possible for people to love that much. There are many kinds of love, and I don't know which one or ones you and Katniss have. You have something though. Something astonishing. Something that makes you risk everything for the well-being of the other."

"I've never hear you talk that way," I admitted.

"Nobody has ever heard me talk that way. Don't expect to hear it again," she said as she dismissively waved her hand at me.

One of the guards came swaggering into the cell block holding handcuffs. Another guard followed.

"Let's go, Mellark," he said.

Johanna leaned forward and placed her hand on the clear barrier the way she had after I'd been beaten.

"Good luck," she said.

I put my hand over hers.

"Good luck to you too," I said a little too gloomily. Every time one of us left the cells, we wondered if it would be for the last time. There was no reason for Johanna to remember me glommy though.

"And thanks for the pep talk," I said smiling.

She laughed.


	9. Torture

[Author's note: Thanks for continuing to read. I got no reviews on the last chapter, and it wasn't one of my favorites either. This one really gets to the core of how the Capitol plays with Peeta's mind though. I hope you'll like it. The "rescue" of Peeta and Johanna is coming soon…so keep reading]

The woman in green adjusts restraints on my wrists, on my ankles, at my waist, and across my chest. The one across my chest is new. The noisy machine is running, and her back faces the camera. I know she is going to talk to me again.

"This is going to get intense, Peeta," She said as if it hasn't been intense previously. "They've added some measures to the protocol that are supposed to prevent the complications you had last time."

"Essentially, they'll keep me from dying?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered while adjusting the IV tubing. "If it works they will be able to give you much larger doses of the venom."

I sighed deeply.

"I know. I'm sorry. I did manage to mix some of the medication that I gave you last time into the venom. It might mitigate the venom's effects somewhat. I wish I could do more."

She turned off the loud machine.

The man in green rushed into the room a few minutes later with several vials of medications. The woman obtained some syringes from a nearby drawer, and the two of them drew the medications from the vials into the syringes. My stomach turned as I wondered how these new medications would make me feel. I was overwhelmed as it was.

_How am I going to get through this again? _I thought.

"Let's get started," the man in green said happily. "Snow's very pleased with the plan," he added.

The woman started the IV drip. I closed my eyes as I always did. But within seconds the searing pain in my arm caused them to fly open again. It was different than before, rawer. I struggled against the restraints, but then the stains on the ceiling started to transform into faces of people I'd known. Most of them were dead. They jeered at me and called me every terrible name I knew. They said it was my fault they were dead. My mother was chief among them.

"_If it weren't for you and that worthless Seam girl, we'd all still be alive! You killed us, all of us! If you'd died in the arena then none of this would ever have happened! I wish you had!"_

I forced my eyes closed as a moan escaped my lips. My chest felt crushed, and my brain tingled with unnatural activity.

Moments later I was plunged even deeper into a lonely world of terror.

"_I have something for you, Peeta. I found some berries," Katniss says. She puts the spoon in my mouth. It's full of smashed berries._

"_These are really sweet. What kind are they?" I ask._

_She grins a crooked grin and puts her hands on my shoulders. My heart starts to pound as I recognize the taste of sleeping syrup. No, no, I think. As I grow sleepier, she lowers me down to the cave floor. _

"_You're going to go to sleep, Peeta. You're not going to wake up. It's for the best though. It's supposed to be this way. This is why I'm here. I have to kill you," she whispers low enough that the microphones placed by the capitol will never detect her words._

_I start to lose consciousness, and I hear Katniss singing. She's singing the Valley Song._

For a moment, I'm aware of the procedure room and the man and woman dressed in green again.

"A little more, I think," the man said.

I shook my head, but I couldn't speak. I saw the woman's eyes. They were sympathetic and kind, her lips pressed together in worry. It didn't matter though. I saw her adjust the clamp of the tubing, and the fluid sent lightning through my arm. Instinctually, I tried to sit up but met the resistance of the restraints as they dug into my skin. I clawed at the sheet on the bed hoping to feel some minuscule relief from doing something…anything. None came. Only more nightmares came.

"_Peeta, it's Katniss."Her voice is soothing, and for a moment I feel some relief. She is sitting a foot or two away, and she is slowly stroking my hand._

"_Lean over here, Peeta. I have something to tell you."_

_I lean towards her, trying not to move my wounded leg. The cave floor is hard and cold, but it is better than the mud outside. It feels good to be clean of the mud._

"_You're going to die, Peeta." She says quietly. I'm not going to kill you though. That'd be too easy for you. I'm going to stay here and watch you die." _

_I stare at her, confused. She says it matter-of-factly. Her expression is unreadable._

"_Why? Why would you want to do that?" I ask._

_There is no reply._

_She abruptly takes a firm hold of my leg causing me to gasp. Then in one quick motion she pushes it down mercilessly against the cave floor and twists her hand and fingers into the wound. I scream a dreadful scream of agony as I push her into the stony wall of the cave._

_She falls forwards on her hands and knees with a thud, but I hear her laughing._

_I try to catch my breath as I hold my leg above and below the wound. As I look down, I can see that she's loosened some of the skin that was previously intact. I crane my neck upwards, trying to regain my composure and swallow the pain. _

"_You can't hurt me, Peeta," Katniss says. "You are rotting alive. I just want to see it happen." _

_I shiver. She's right. My leg is just rotting flesh. Soon I'll be dead. I hadn't been afraid of dying until that moment, but her words terrify me. _

"_I'll be glad you are dead, and I won't be the only one. Your mother never wanted you. You started out as a disappointment, and you'll die an embarrassment to her," Katniss goads._

"_You don't know anything about my mother!" I yell._

"_I know you let her beat you! You're so weak that you let a woman beat you!" She mocked. _

"_I was a little kid, Katniss!" _

"_Not that little. Not all the time," she snapped._

"_She is my mother!"_

Suddenly, I could see the woman in green again.

Stay_ here! _I said to myself. Don't go back.

The woman in green saw my eyes were open and that I was looking at her.

_Stay here. Stay here. Don't go back. _I tell myself again.

I can't do it through. There is no escape, not mentally and not physically. Another dose of the venom burned down my arm, and I was transported to that nightmare world again.

_It's dark. We're in the woods. Katniss runs her fingers up and down my arm. I lay next to her. I kiss her soft lips and she responds by sliding closer to me. Warmth fills me. I reach out and touch her shoulder. Katniss takes my hand and moves it down to her collar bone and then a little further. _

"_I'll never leave you," She says._

"_Yes, you will."_

"_No, I mean it, Peeta. I'll never leave you," _

"_You already have, Katniss."_

_She kisses me again, but I resist the urge to deepen the kisses._

"_You hurt me, Katniss. You always do. You don't know what love and compassion are." I tell her, amazed that the words are falling from my mouth. I pull my hand away from her._

"_Perhaps I don't, but I know how to use you. You want to be used. Don't you, Peeta?_

"_No, that's not what I want."_

"_Yes, you do," she says alluringly, running her hands up and down my body. "Yes, you do. If you get to be close to me, you don't mind being used at all. It's happened a thousand times already." _

"_You want to destroy me! You are going to use even moments like this to destroy me!" I accuse._

_She kisses me once more and places her hands on my hips. She pulls herself even closer to me, and I sigh._

"_You've never been able to resist me, Peeta. What makes you think you can now? Even though you know I'll be the death of you, you still come back for more."_

_My body responds to hers even though my mind warns me constantly. I pull away, but she pulls me back. I am stronger than her physically, but she has some kind of psychological hold on me. How could I have let myself become so desperate for someone, especially someone so obviously evil? _

_She continues to touch me, and my resolve falters. _

_I grab her wrists and pull them up to the level of our chests. _

"_If you don't love me then don't do this. Getting over you will be next to impossible if you do this," I say, shaking her wrists for emphasis._

"_I can do whatever I want, Peeta. You are so weak. That's what love does, it makes you weak," she hisses. "That's why I don't love."_

"_What happened to you? You aren't the girl I used to know! Who are you?" I demanded. _

_She giggled. _

"_I'm Katniss!" She says, oblivious to my distress, her gray eyes dancing._

_She leaned in further and pressed hers body against me. I couldn't help but release a small sound of pleasure. _

"_See, you want me," she said. "You know you want me. It doesn't matter what I've done to you, or who else I'm with, or whose baby I…"_

_I pull back and hold her hands tighter, mostly to keep them away from me. _

_I stare at her, utterly shocked. _

"_Yes, it does matter. All of that matters. There are limits, Katniss. You've reached them. You reached them long ago. I don't love you! I don't want you! I never will again! Stay away from me!" _


	10. Madness

Large black mutation beetles crawled along the crevice where the wall met the concrete floor of my cell. Identical in size and perfectly spaced, they started to track up the wall. I causciously shrunk away from them. The beetles reminded me of the ones in the clock arena that Finnick had said were carnivorous.

"Touch it," Johanna said.

I turned to look at her.

"Whatever you see; touch it," she repeated.

"No. How do you know I see something anyway?"

"Because you are cringing and moving away from whatever it is. There's nothing there, Peeta. I can't see anything. I'd be able to see it if there was something there."

Turning my attention back to the beetles, I saw them creep across the floor towards me. Their numbers increased exponentially until they covered every inch of the floor and wall. Avoiding them became impossible, and I moved my feet frantically to keep them from crawling up my leg. My prosthetic leg failed me under the strain of such quick movements, and moments later I found myself on the hard concrete floor. The beetles grew every closer, and I imagined that any second they would begin biting my skin.

"Touch it, Peeta. Whatever it is, it's not real." Johanna's calmness was annoying and made her seem uncaring. Still, the beetles would soon reach me anyway. I reached out my hand and tried to touch one. Feeling nothing, I realized that the beetles were not actually there.

_How surreal_, I thought.

Embarrassed, I turned to lay on my side facing away from Johanna. Being crazy was bad enough, but being unable to hide the fact that I was crazy was nearly unendurable.

"You're okay." Johanna said as if I were a small child.

_Katniss is right. I am weak_, _pathetically weak._ I thought.

I pressed my thumbnails into the tips of my index fingers as hard as I could and sighed. I repeated the process with all my other fingertips, taking longer with each one. At least this relatively minor pain was something I could control.

"I'm sorry," I said, still able to see the beetles but convinced they were not actually there.

"Stop being sorry for everything. Did they drug you again?" she asked.

"Yes."

"The whole time?"

"Probably."

Do you think that caused what's happening to you now? The hallucinations, I mean?"

_Hallucinations! Hallucinations? Yes, I guess that is what they are. _I thought.

"Maybe. "

"You slept for a long time when you got back," Johanna pointed out.

"Good."

"Why don't you just talk about it…I mean beyond these one word answers you keep giving me," she asked.

"Not this time. It will only make it worse."

"You don't know that," she replied.

"Johanna, I don't ask you to explain why you cower in the corner every time they clean the cells by spraying the water hose. I assume that you'll tell me if you want me to know."

Johanna paused.

"Okay. Fair enough. So what'd you have for lunch today? I had some moldy bread and half of a nearly rotten orange which I think they are gave me only to stave off scurvy. Did you get one too?"

"Scurvy? How do you know this stuff?" I asked.

"I'm smarter than people think, Mellark. Being rich and unemployed gave me a lot of time to read."

"Seriously?

She laughed, "Yes. What'd you do with your short time as a victor?"

"I baked, and I painted. I wish I could do that now."

"We'd certainly eat better!" Johnanna joked.

"I know what Haymitch does. What'd she do?" Johanna asked, approaching the most disturbing subject she could choose.

"Killed things. She's good at _that_," I spit out spitefully through clinched teeth. My hands balled into fists.

"Whoa, no need to get upset. Just stay calm," Johanna conjoled. "that does make more sense than the idea of her designing clothes though!"

"Change the subject!" I warned Johanna.

She did. Johanna talked about her home for hours that evening. It was wonderfully distracting.

That night a loud noise accompanied by sensations that the building was shaking startled me awake. Johanna was awakened too.

"What was that?" I asked.

Johanna looked towards the ceiling and the door. Another loud boom broke the silence, this one coming from a location much closer to us.

Suddenly, I felt very sleepy and had to sit down again. I thought it was similar to what happened when I had to sit down with Portia and Caesar, but I saw that Johanna was sitting down too. She looked dazed.

The feeling reminded me of when the man in green drugged me but without any pain. In fact, it was almost pleasant. I'd started to lower myself to the floor by the time I saw the woman in green barge through the cellblock door.

_What. Is. She. Doing. Here?_ I thought slowly through the haze.

She fumbled with identification bracelets, none of which appeared to be hers. A mask covered her mouth and nose, but it wasn't a surgical mask. There was another booming sound, and the woman in green jumped.

Regaining her composure she threw open the door to my cell and then Johanna's.

She tossed us masks similar to hers and said, "Put these on your faces. Now!"

Johanna picked hers up but couldn't get it on her face. She looked like she was going to faint any minute. The woman in green knelt down and fastened it quickly over Johanna's nose and mouth.

I put my mask over my nose and mouth but my trembling fingers couldn't tighten the straps correctly. The woman secured the mask and offered a hand to pull me up from the floor. Though wobbly, I could stand. Johanna still looked faint and remained on the floor.

_Is this a break-out attempt? _I thought. _If it is, I think we'_re all going to be shot.

There was another boom. This one sounded like it was right outside the cellblock. The woman in green who had positioned herself near the tiny window of the cellblock door jumped again. I knew that in the procedure room screams didn't startle her, but the booming noises that she was hearing certainly did. The exact opposite was true of me, I'd rather hear a thousand explosions than a single agonized scream.

There were voices outside the cellblock door, and the woman in green aimed a gun that I'd just noticed her carrying at the entrance.

The door flew open, and to my utter shock Gale Hawthorne and several other men ran through it. All were wearing masks and lightly colored military uniforms that blended in with the gray walls. The woman in green lowered the gun and started exchanging frantic words with Gale. I walked up to him, and then I looked back at Johanna.

Reaching out to Gale, I touched his arm. I could feel it! He was actually there!

Giving me a stunned look, Gale said, "Hello, Peeta."

Then he turned back to the woman in green. Moments later Gale hoisted an unconscious Johanna over his shoulder, and we all ran through the hallways of the prison. After climbing four or five flights of stairs, we reached the roofftop. The wind blew my blonde curls back against my sweaty forehead. The sky was black, but breathtaking. I had never expected to leave the prison alive. A hovercraft appeared above us, and Gale pushed Johanna into my arms.

"Hold on to her and take the first ladder," he said.

My knuckles turned white as I held tightly to the ladder. Several prison guards reached the rooftop and fired their guns just as Johanna and I were lifted into the hovercraft. Gale and several others boarded the hovercraft next as one soldier and the woman in green fired at the prison guards.

The soldier signaled for the woman in green to make a run for the hovercraft. She did, but was shot down almost immediately. Then one of the guards walked up behind her a shot her again in the back of the skull. The soldier turned back to look at her, and was shot in the head as well.

The hovercraft door slammed shut.


	11. Gale

A man dressed in a white uniform looked into Johanna's eyes with a light and tried to wake her. He listened to her heart and checked her blood pressure.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked, rather panicked.

"We used a gas to incapacitate most of the guards," he answered.

"Why didn't it work on me?"

"It did. You sound drunk," Gale said with a wry smile.

"You're bigger than she is, and everybody responds a little differently." The man in white clarified. "She might have been closer to an air vent too." Looking at Gale he announced, "We'll do more tests when we arrive, but I think she'll be fine."

"Your turn, Peeta." Gale quipped as he walked out of the room.

"Where are we going? District 13?" I asked the man in the white uniform quietly.

He nodded as he started to look at the bruises on my hands. They were many different colors by then, though the newest ones were deeply purple.

"How did you get these?" He asked as he pulled up the sleeves of the filthy jumpsuit I still wore. I didn't answer. Obviously displeased by his inability to get the sleeves to slide up my arms high enough to see all the bruises, he unzipped the jumpsuit and pulled my arms out of it.

"How did you get these?" he repeated as if he thought I hadn't heard the question.

"They drugged me with IV medications," I said slowly. "They did it often."

"It sure looks that way," he mumbled as he gently pressed on my arms.

"Does anything hurt? Umm. Let me rephrase that, what hurts the most?" eHe asked sympathetically.

I pointed to my side, which had bothered ever since the beating after the interview with Snow.

"Okay," he said pressing lightly where I'd pointed.

I tried not to flinch, but it truly did hurt.

"Okay, we'll look at that when we get back. Anything else that's really bothering you?"

"Not physically," I answered.

The man's forehead creased and his lips pressed together tightly. His eyes were a light brown, and he looked like he couldn't be more than 20. I got the sense that, like me, much had happened to him in recent years, not all of it good.

"I'm sure," he said quietly. "Thanks for the warning, by the way. I think you saved my mother's life."

I smiled, trying to lift the mood. "Good. Maybe I can meet her sometime."

"So, how are we doing?" Gale asked as he rushed through the door. I'd pulled one arm back into the jumpsuit by the time he looked up. Still, I was embarrassed. I didn't know this man dressed in white, but I knew Gale. To have him see the bruises and my emaciated body upset me.

"Okay," I said looking down and finishing putting my arms into the jumpsuit.  
"Gale," I said. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." He answered. He motioned for me to follow him. We entered a small room off the main room of the hovercraft .

Used to having to be careful what I said and when, I whispered, "It's true then, District 13 is not a wasteland?"

"Yes, that's true. The people there live underground in an elaborate complex. It is amazing really. They rarely go above ground, but they have impressive technology" he explained motioning his hands around to point out the hovercraft as an example.

"And home? Was it really bombed?" I asked.

"Yes," Gale said mournfully.

"My family?"

"I'm sorry, Peeta."

Hearing Gale say those words made the loss so much more raw.

"Did anyone see exactly how they died?" I asked, my voice cracking. Gale patted my shoulder and led me over to a chair. Then he sat down beside me.

"I don't think so, Peeta. Everyone I know of who was in that area at the time of the bombing died."

"Snow said he burned them alive; he described it," I whispered.

"That's possible, but maybe the smoke killed them first. Try not to assume too much. Maybe Snow doesn't even know what happened for sure. You can't trust Snow."

There was a long pause. Gale seemed different than I remembered him. He seemed older.

"Are you ready to see Katniss? She's in 13, you know. She's safe, and she wants to see you." Gale apparently thought this news would make me happy.

"Not really," I answered, "I don't want to see _her."_

Although it had been half a day since my last session with the tracker jacker venom, I really didn't like to think about Katniss at all by then. I disliked her intensely most of the time, and sometimes I hated her. I certainly didn't want to see her.

Gale looked puzzled. "Katniss is the reason the president of District 13 agreed to rescue you. She really misses you, Peeta. I hate to admit it, but she almost seems ill without you. Maybe now that she knows you're safe…"

"Keep her away from me, Gale. I don't want to see her," I said raising my voice and rising to my feet.

"Alright. Calm down," He said. "_Why _don't you want to see her? I'm going to need to tell her why."

"The baby is yours, isn't it?" I blurted out.

"What are you talking about, Peeta?"

"You and Katniss. That's what I'm talking about!"

Gale laughed.

"There is no baby, Peeta. What's wrong with you? You made that up the pregnancy. She told me. You don't remember that?" He said, narrowing his eyes as he stared at me.

He turned his head slightly to try to look at me even more intently. "Did you hear what I said, Peeta? She is worried sick about _you._ She'll want to see _you. _I've been in District 13 with her for a while, and she hardly gives me a second glance. Every time_ you_ are on TV or are even mentioned, she gets this pained expression on her face. I don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to me. She wants you safe. As much as I hate to say it, I think she wants you in some other ways too."

My whole body trembled with rage, though I wasn't sure if Gale could see it.

_She'll try to hurt me. Katniss only wants me near her so she can kill me herself rather than let Snow do it. She wants to watch me die! I have to stay away from her_! I thought.

One of the soldiers came in the room.

"ETA is 2 minutes," he said.

"Good." Gale answered. "Peeta, Sit down and get ready for this thing to land. It's a little bumpy sometimes. We'll talk about this other matter later."

Thoughts of Katniss collided in my mind. Nightmarish images of her trying to kill me haunted me. The feeling of her slamming my already severely injured leg into the cave floor forced all the air out of my lungs. The sensation of her hands on my arms sent shivers down my spine.

"_You're rotting alive," she'd said. "I just want to be here to see it happen."_

"_You're going to die…that's why I'm here," she'd said._

Still, a strange tenderness for her settled in my chest. There was a longing to embrace her that I could not explain. My arms tingled with anticipation, and I had to look down at them because I was so bewildered by the feeling.

_How can I be this stupid? I have to stay away from her. She's evil. Truly evil._

The sudden descent of the hovercraft broke me from my trance. Moments later Gale led me through huge doors and into an open hallway area. The other soldiers followed. Johanna, still unconscious, was being brought along too.

The man wearing white started to explain my injuries to another man who appeared to be a doctor. Two other people in white tended to Johanna. I saw more people arrive. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw _her. _

_[This chapter sets up what is about to happen between Katniss and Peeta. Also, it tells you what Gale knows - although he unfortunately doesn't understand it - Keep reading - I'll try to update soon. Also, thanks to those who have reviewed the story, put it on story alert/favorites, or made me a favorite author. It motivates me so much!]_


	12. Katniss

Seized by a torrent of emotions, I wanted to look away from Katniss. I couldn't risk taking my eyes off her though. There was no way to know what she was capable of doing to me or anyone. The rage I'd felt earlier swelled. Oddly, it was tempered with a nearly equal proportion of affection.

_This gets more confusing by the second! _I thought.

My arms continued to ache to hold Katniss, yet I considered her indirectly responsible for the bruises that covered them.

Katniss ran towards me with her arms outstretched, and a wave of panic replaced all the other emotions I'd been feeling.

_I told her to stay away from me! I warned her! What does she think she's doing? Why won't she just leave me alone?_

I pushed the doctor away. Clearly Katniss intended to make contact with me, either to embrace me or attack me. The smile on her face would normally have indicated intent to embrace, but nothing about the situation with Katniss was normal.

_She is sadistic. She wants to watch me suffer and die. Anything she says or does is towards that end. _I thought. _I can't let her continue to hurt me! I can't let her hurt anyone else either! Deceit is as natural a weapon to her as her bow. I won't believe a word she says, and I won't be her victim any longer!_

Katiss' arms reached upwards as she grew nearer. I was sure she was going to wrap them around my neck. Whether she would do it violently or seductively didn't matter. Katniss would kill me either way, by either means.

As Katniss embraced me, I wrapped my hands around her smooth neck and squeezed. She was trying to say my name, and I squeezed a little harder. I didn't want to hear her say it.

Her eyes changed. The happiness they'd shown melted away, replaced by shock. I knew the happiness might have been from the joy of anticipating killing me, but what if it had been genuine? What if it wasn't deceitful? What if she did love me?

That warm feeling that I inexplicably felt for Katniss returned to the forefront of my consciousness. As I tried to squeeze the life out of Katniss, it stopped me. I could have broken her neck or the bones of her throat; I'm sure of it. The warm feeling prevented that though. And as I stared into Katniss' gray eyes I knew why. I saw…pain, emotional pain. This was not the woman from my nightmares; she also wasn't the woman I grew up loving. Who was she? Why was I trying to kill her?

_How can so many conflicting emotions be attached to one person? _I thought.

Katniss' lips started to turn from pink to light purple. They were lips that I'd dreamed of kissing since I understood what a kiss was. Katniss tried to mouth my name, and a small tear started to run down her cheek. I loosened my grip, but letting go of her was impossible. I actually wanted to let go at that point, but the battle between love and hate that continued to rage in my head would not allow it..

Suddenly, someone wrapped strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me backwards. I let go of Katniss completely. Relieved and angry all at once, I turned to face the interloper. He punched me in the face, effectively incapacitating me. Reminded of the beatings in the Capitol, I prepared for more blows by rolling into a ball, but none came.

Thoughts of my mother swirled in my head. Suddenly, I was eight years old again and being hit in the head repeatedly for stealing a cookie. My older brother yelled in the background for my mother to stop. Finally he grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her backwards and away from me.

A woman arrived momentarily with a syringe filled with a clear liquid. The soldier who hit me took my wrists in his hands and someone else held my ankles. Resisting was certainly possible physically, but emotionally I was spent. I trembled because for so long syringes had brought me nothing but agony. This time was different though. The medicine the woman gave me made me feel calm. In a matter of minutes, I fell asleep.

When I woke my hands and feet were restrained by some kind of straps. The soldier who hit me was still beside me, but I'd been moved from the floor to some kind of bed or stretcher. The restraints weren't necessary. With the crisis of seeing Katniss again behind me, the extreme tension that had been building was mostly relieved. A simmering anxiety was left in its wake.

I heard Gale's voice. Apparently Gale had not seen what happened between Katniss and me, and the soldier who hit me was telling him about it.

"He did what?" Gale asked in disbelief once he'd been given a brief summary of the events.

"While you were getting your shoulder bandaged he tried to strangle her," the soldier clarified.

"Peeta?" Gale asked in disbelief.

"Gale, I had to pull Peeta off of Katniss and knock him down to stop it!"

"Is Katniss, okay?"

"They think her injuries are minor. They are running some tests to be sure. She's incredibly upset though."

"I just can't believe _Peeta Mellark_ could do that, Boggs!" Gail said, still sounding stunned. "He's got to be one of the most non-violent victors that ever won a hunger games. Plus, he's so…devoted…to Katniss. You know, he did say something on the hovercraft about not wanting to see her. I thought it was odd…"

"Gale, there's no way you could have known..." This soldier that Gale called Boggs reassured him.

"…It's just with Peeta, your mind just doesn't go there," Gale continued as if he didn't even hear Boggs. "He'd hurt someone to _defend _Katniss, but he'd never hurt Katniss. At least that is how it used to be. I just can't believe this is happening."

"Well, I suppose this is good news for you in some ways," Boggs pointed out.

"How's that?" Gale asked sounding genuinely surprised.

There was a long pause during which Boggs must have implied without words that Gale wanted a romantic relationship with Katniss.

"Boggs!" Gale said, "You really think I could be happy that Peeta tried to choke Katniss just so I could make some inroads towards a relationship with her? What kind of person do you think I am?"

"You say it so well that it makes me wonder if you've thought it already," Boggs answered.

"Honestly, Boggs, it's not like that. Peeta is…difficult to dislike. Believe me; I've tried to dislike him. Besides, Katniss is her own person. Nobody can tell her what to do. I have given her opportunities to choose me. So far, she hasn't. She hasn't chosen Peeta either, I guess. Only time will tell." Gale confided.

"Beetee thinks Peeta's been hijacked," Boggs blurted out.

"What is that?"

"It's a kind of torture the Capitol does on occasion. It uses tracker jacker venom to traumatize a person and change their memories. The victim is given tracker jacker venom over and over again which is extremely painful. That's not the worst of it though. The venom causes hallucinations and extreme anxiety. The victim's happy memories are replaced with horrifying ones until they can't tell the difference between reality and waking nightmares.

The whole process basically drives a person into a terrified insanity. Among 13 soldiers, hijacking is legendary. When you want to scare the heck out of recruits at boot camp, you tell them about hijacking. They get _real_ serious about learning how to avoid capture after that!" Boggs continued.

"Damn Capitol!" Gale Sighed. "Will he get better?"

"I have no idea. The stories I've heard make me think that people never get over being hijacked."

"If all that is true, Boggs, then Katniss will never get over it either. It'll be worse than if Snow had killed Peeta in front of her. She'll feel his pain somehow. She may even feel responsible."

"They have some kind of strange connection, those two," Boggs observed.

"Yeah," Gale said thoughtfully. "I'm afraid that they do. I suppose that's what living through two death matches together does to people…or maybe it is more than that. I don't know."

A hand touched my shoulder, and someone leaned over me as if to check to see if I was awake or breathing. I didn't know if it was Boggs or Gale.

"So what are they going to do with Peeta?" Gale asked.

"Beetee is on his way over. He's getting a team together to try to develop some kind of treatment. I don't think anyone knows what to do for him. Right now I'm just trying to keep him safe."

Boggs sounded like someone I could trust. I drifted off the sleep again, hoping that Boggs would make sure Kayniss didn't come anywhere near me again. It would be safer for both of us that way.


	13. Dizzy

"_Mama, I'm sorry." _

"_I know you are, Peeta. I'm sorry too. Does your head hurt? Are you dizzy?" She used the most loving voice she ever used with us as she sat there on my bed. She'd only recently finished hitting me in the head so many times that I had lost count and my brother had pulled her away from me._

"_What's 'dizzy'?" I asked._

_My mother smoothed the quilt on the bed with her hand. She'd made the quilt using our old shirts and pajamas. My brothers and I could point to various pieces of fabric that formed it and say whose shirt one had been and whose pajamas another had been. I'd watched in awe when she put the quilt together because the colors and patterns all managed to blend together in a kind of unexpected beauty._

"_It's when you feel like you might fall down any second or like the room is spinning, Peeta." _

"_No, I'm alright." I lied. My head did ache, and I had felt dizzy enough to lie down on the floor in the middle of the bakery. My brother had to carry me to bed, but my mother already knew all that._

"_Mama, I'm sorry," I repeated like a mantra. Brushing back my blonde curls, my mother looked as though she might kiss my forehead. At the last moment she simply straightened the quilt that lay over me. _

_My older brother appeared in the doorway. My mother rose from the bed and joined him in the hallway. They closed the door, but my head still ached all the more when I heard them yelling at each other through the thin walls._

"_What are we going to tell Papa when he comes home and finds that Peeta's so dizzy that he can barely stand? You could have killed him, Mama! You could have caused some real damage! You have to stop doing this!"_

"_I won't have to tell your father anything." I heard Mama reply._

"_You're right! He'll assume you beat the crap out of your son! That's what you do! Peeta's just a little kid, Mama. Stop doing this. If you don't, he'll hate you just as much as I do!"_

_I gasped. My mother's feet shuffled down the hall against the wood floor as she made her way into her bedroom. Her cries were muffled and, I knew she was sobbing into her pillow. The mattress on my bed shifted as my brother sat down beside me. _

"_Don't worry, Peeta. Someday you'll be bigger and stronger than her too." Taking hold of my head gently, he looked into my eyes, at my forehead, and into both of my ears. _

"_Do you really hate her?" I asked timidly._

_My brother seemed suddenly reticent. "No," he said. He let go of my head and lowered his eyes. "I still love her. You probably will too."_

/

Having been unable to move naturally during my drug-induced slumber, my muscles and joints objected when I tried to move them once awake. The restraints limited my movements even further. Still, I tried to stretch.

_Katniss. _I thought. _She isn't dead._

Not knowing whether or not I should be happy or sad, I stared up at the ceiling and tried to rid my mind of her completely. It didn't work.

With Katniss' neck in my hands, I had the chance to make sure she never hurt anyone else…or tried to kill anyone else. I failed because of some twisted hold that she had on me.

_How can I still love her after everything she's done? How can I still have any positive feelings for her? _I asked myself.

The door to the room creaked open, but I could not raise up enough to see who was entering. I hoped it would be someone to remove the restraints and let me move my arms and legs around. I rubbed my fingers against my thumbs nervously.

"Peeta? It's Delly. From Home."

/

I didn't remember much about that first visit with Delly later. I was mostly interested in Delly's feelings and any information that she could provide to me about our home. I hesitated to trust anyone, but I thought I could trust Delly.

She confirmed that District 12 had been attacked. As soon as she said it, I felt the fury building inside of me again.

_Katniss! It's her fault! It's her fault my parents are dead, Delly's parents are dead, and so many others are dead. She tried to kill me too! I failed to kill the most evil person I know, Katniss! How could I have failed? _I asked myself.

Once Delly left the room, I realized that I'd confessed to her what I feared most about Katniss…that she was not even Katniss anymore. The theory made sense. It explained the conflicting versions of Katniss in my mind. Grieving for the Katniss I had loved was a daunting task though. I refused to face the fact that the girl I'd loved was gone because I couldn't emotionally process any more losses. To be honest, I simply didn't want to believe it either.

Several people came in the room soon after Delly left. They all wore white.

"Peeta, we're going to take off the restraints and let you move around and have some water to drink. Do you think you can handle that?" One of them asked.

"Yes," I said quietly.

_Is this what I am now? Am I someone who might not be able to handle stretching and drinking some water? _I thought.

My eyes moistened with unanticipated tears.

_I am completely crazy. They all know it. _I thought.

"Just let us know if you feel unsafe or uncertain. We can put the restraints back on, give you medicine or do any of a number of things to help you." Another reassured me.

Once the restraints were removed I rubbed the irritated skin that had been beneath them. My tears grew large enough to fall from my eyes, and I turned towards the wall to hide them.

"You okay, Peeta?" One of the people asked.

"Yes," I called back. "just wanted to…think…by myself for a moment."

I expected an intrusion to my attempt at privacy, but there wasn't one at first.

Then someone lightly tapped on my shoulder, and I flinched in such as exaggerated way that I knocked the pitcher of water they were carrying in their hands and all over me.

That's all it took for me to lose my fragile hold on where I was.

_I close my eyes and feel the water of the stream rush over me, removing the caked on mud. My leg throbs, but I refuse to look at it._

"_Katniss, how about a kiss?" I ask._

_Perhaps she'll grant a dying boy's request, I think. Katniss laughs good-naturedly. _

_She digs out the tracker jacker stingers and rubs wet leaves on the stings. _

"_I'll kiss you…soon" she says quietly. _

_Then she grows serious, her gray eyes intense, "Peeta, I'm not a bad person, but we are both in a really terrible situation. I have to make it home to Prim; I have to take care of her." Katniss' voice begins to fail her. _

"_I know. I want you to make it home to Prim too," I say sincerely._

"_And you know what that means." Katniss muses, her hands stopping their work as she looked at me intently._

"_It means I have to die," I answer matter-of-factly._

_Katniss takes my hand and places something soft in it. I look down to see that it's a handful of dark purple berries._

"_You won't feel anything Peeta. It will be peaceful. I won't have to kill you, and you won't have to know I'm killing you." She pauses as if considering how horrific it would be to know you were in the process of being murdered by someone you love._

"_The careers won't be able to find you and torture you. This infection won't take you. I'm afraid if you stay too long…I'll have to kill you rather than watch you in agony. There's nothing here to even ease your pain. Perhaps it's selfish, but I just don't want to see you suffer like that."_

_Katniss leans over and looks into my stunned eyes. Then she turns away. "I don't want to have to kill you, Peeta! I'm afraid of anyone else torturing you to death though. They don't care about you; I do!" She cries as her face falls into my chest. Warm tears, very distinct from the cold stream water, began falling onto my skin as Katniss weeps._

"_Peeta, I'm sorry," She says between sobs._

"_Petta, I'm so sorry."_

"_Peeta, I'm so sorry."_

_I run my fingers through her hair as she cries. _

"_Shhhh. It's not your fault," I reassure her. _

_When Katniss finally raises her head, I try to use whatever strength I have left to pull her up towards my face. Our lips meet, and she kisses me with such intensity that I can hardly believe it's real. _

It felt wrong though…very wrong…and it looked "shiny." Soon I'd feel just as tortured in 13 as I had in the capitol, but for those few moments I enjoyed the contaminated kiss from Katniss. Sadly, it was closer to a happy memory of the girl I loved than any I'd had in a long time.


	14. Squirrels

[AN: I hope you still like the story. Please let me know what you think of how the story is progressing. There are several direct quotes from Hunger Games in this chapter, and as always the characters belong to Suzanne Collins]

"Sedate him again," one voice proposed.

I shook my head "no" even though my eyes were still closed, and I was mostly still lost in the memory of Katniss' tears at the stream.

"No, let's give him a few more minutes," another voice said. "See there, he's trying to tell us he doesn't want us to sedate him again, I think."

"He can't handle it," the first voice said.

"So far, he is handling it," the second one answered.

The debate broke me away from my relatively happy recollection of Katniss.

I opened my eyes, and the owner of the frist voice asked, "Do you know where you are?"

"District 13," I whispered.

"Do you think you need us to sedate you?" The other asked.

"No. I want to try…to try..." I began but then lost my train of thought.

"…to try to get through it without being sedated too much?"

I nodded slowly.

"You have to agree to take the medicine we'll give you to help with the hallucinations though, but it's not a sedative exactly. Are you willing to do that?" The owner of the second voice said.

I nodded again.

When they left I scooted to the corner of the room and tried to think of something that wouldn't upset me. Finally, I decided to use my finger like a pencil and draw imaginary pictures on the wall.

/

I moved some unknown meat around on my plate, thinking of cheese buns and cookies the whole time.

"Peeta, you'll waste away to nothing if you don't eat. Surely you're hungry for something. Just tell me what you want, and I'll try to get it for you." Delly said.

"Squirrel. I want squirrel." I told her confidently, mostly to make her stop asking.

"Squirrel? I don't know if they eat much squirrel here. Gale is the only one hunting right now. I'll ask him to hunt for squirrel."

"Why isn't _she_ hunting?" I asked, a shiver running down my spine.

"She's away in another district," Delly answered gingerly.

"Good, keep her away from me."

"I will," Delly promised. "Why is it that you want squirrel, Peeta? Is it a favorite food or something? "

"No, it just reminds me of my father. He liked squirrel."

"Your father was such a good man Peeta, and you are so much like him." Delly said encouragingly.

I looked down at my plate. Delly was probably right about me being like my Dad, but she might not know that in some respects my Dad was weak. He was loyal to the point of it being a fault, and at times he was overly idealistic. Naivety occasionally caused him to be duped as well.

"Until we get you some squirrel you'll need to eat _this_," Delly looked down at the unknown meat. I stabbed my spoon into it dramatically. I wasn't allowed to have forks or knives due to safety concerns. Delly started laughing, "I think you are just going to have to taste it to solve the mystery, Peeta. I have no idea what this is!"

"That's probably how the people of District 13 would feel about squirrel," I quipped.

Delly laughed some more.

"You've always been funny." Delly said. "You've been making me laugh since I could barely walk, I think."

"Maybe. I remember making you cry sometimes too and protecting you sometimes..."

"That's what brothers do, Peeta, even brothers who are your brother only by choice."

I paused, thinking of Katniss. My father bought squirrels from her. She hunted squirrels. Why mention squirrels?

_Because you want to talk about her, that's why. _I thought.

"_She_ volunteered as tribute in place of her sister, didn't she?" I asked Delly solemnly.

Delly looked startled but answered my question.

"Yes, she did."

"That was really…brave. Wasn't it?" I asked.

"Yes, I think it was," Delly admitted.

"I was chosen second right? _She_ didn't know I'd be chosen before she volunteered, right?"

"That's right, Peeta."

"And none of this would ever have happened…" I said, thinking out loud "…if she'd just let her sister go to the games."

"Maybe. Or maybe something else or someone else would have caused it to happen. The districts were full of anger, Peeta. It was only a matter of time before that anger was released." Delly answered honestly.

Just then a nurse arrived with some pills in a little cup. She announced that the medicine was for hallucinations.

"I'm not so sure I want to take those," I told her. "I don't want to be sedated again."

"This medicine isn't a sedative, and it won't make you very sleepy at all, "the nurse said. "It'll help you with the hallucinatioins. You'll be glad you tried it if you do; Trust me."

My heart started to pound, and I broke out into a sweat. "Trust me."

The words echoed in my mind. Suddenly, I was back in the arena with Katniss.

_I see her reaching for the pouch containing the nightlock berries. _

_Realizing her plan is to kill herself, I grab her wrist. "No, I won't let you," I say emphatically. _

_"Trust me," she whispers. _

_I look deep into her eyes and loosen my grip on her wrist. Then I allow her to pour some berries into the palm of my hand. She pours the remaining berries into the palm of her own hand. _

_"On the count of three?" She says._

_I lean towards her and kiss her one more time. _

_If only I could keep kissing her. If only I could kiss her forever, I think._

_"The count of three," I agree with a sigh. _

_We stand; our backs pressed together, our empty hands locked tight. _

_"Hold them out. I want everyone to see," I say._

_Her soft hand squeezes my hand, and all the air leaves my lungs. _

_Katniss, I love you. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I think._

_We count, "one." _

_"two."_

_"three!" _

_I cup my hand and bring the berries to my mouth. As they cross my lips I think of Katniss, nothing but Katniss. Our kisses in the cave predominate. Her soft hand, still in mine, feels warmer and warmer. The berries taste sweet, but they have a bitter aftertaste. I fall to my knees, realizing that Katniss is steadying me. The berries from her palm drop onto the grass beside my knee. Katniss kneals beside me, and I feel her hands guiding me to lie down. _

"_Why isn't she falling too?" I think as my head comes to rest on a patch of green grass and dandelions._

_My breathing becomes labored, and I feel Katniss stroking my back and shoulder gently. _

_Then I hear a cannon fire._

I gasped for breath. The nurse took one of my shoulders, and Delly took the other one. They leaned me against the wall. Delly put her hands on either side of my face and stared insistently into my eyes. Her blonde curls bobbed up and down with the force of her next question.

"What's going on in your mind, Peeta?" She asked firmly. "Tell me."

"Katniss…Katniss," I whispered.

"What about her?" Delly asked.

"I can't…say it. Don't make me say it. I loved her so much."

Delly pulled my head against her shoulder in a hug.

"I loved her so much, and she...she…she…"

"She what?" Delly asked as she rocked back and forth slightly.

"She tried to kill me. She's tried it over and over again."

"No, Peeta. She saved your life, and you saved hers…over and over again."


	15. Love Notes

[AN: I don't know if you'll like this or not. I hope so. Let me know. I hope it's not OOC, but I don't think Peeta should be one-dimensional. We'll be moving on to something different in the next chapter anyway…how they try to "cure" him.]

I should have taken the pills and anything else they would give me!

_Too late for that,_ I guess.

Despite being poked with needles that delivered stinging medications, my mind reeled on and on. Many of the recollections and visions drifting in my consciousness were not unpleasant, but they exhausted me. Emotionally drained, I couldn't find any rest. The past, present and future all collided. I'm sure I was awake for days, yet I was not aware of reality enough to respond to anyone actually physically present with me for more than a few seconds.

/

_A washcloth lay on my face. It isn't cool anymore, but it was nice of my father's friend to put it on my forehead. I hear the door creak open. _

"_Peeta?" Delly says tentatively._

_I pull the washcloth off of my eyes. The tattered curtains over the bedroom window are drawn, but I can still see Delly in the doorway. She's holding up a paper bag._

"_We're learning about letter writing at school, and the teacher had the whole class write 'get well' letters to you." She says. Her blonde curls toss about as she runs over to me. She stops when she reaches the bed. _

"_We heard you fell off a ladder," she whispers._

_So that's the explanation my brothers are giving to the kids for my absence from school, I think._

_Delly empties the bag onto my bed and sits down beside me. I turn to my side and rummage through the letters. Soon I've found it – the letter from Katniss._

"_I knew you'd read that one first, Peeta." Delly says rolling her eyes. _

"_Dear Peeta, I hope you feel better soon. I fell out of a tree once. Sincerely, Katniss Everdeen." Delly quotes mockingly._

_I look down at Katniss' letter. Her handwriting is flowing and surprisingly meticulous. The letter says exactly what Delly said it did!_

"_Delly! You read my letters!" _

"_Just that one." She smiles, "I wanted to know if it said 'I love you too.'" _

_I start to get up on my knees to give her a playful push off the bed, but I hear something downstairs that startles me._

"_You let that Seam woman come here!" Mama yells._

_Don't they know Delly is here? I think. They need to be quiet! I sit back down on the bed, feeling suddenly sick to my stomach; it isn't because of my head either._

"_I wanted her to see Peeta…to get her advice. She happened to stop by the bakery. She's very good at what she does. Besides, Peeta wouldn't need a healer if you hadn't knocked him around the room. Don't think I don't know what happened," My father replies in a much more calm tone than my mother._

_Trying hard not to look at Delly, I stare at the quilt and the letters. Delly's letter rests right under my fingers. Her script is tiny, barely readable. _

_I think about how everyone's handwriting is so different. Even the "P" in my name is unique on every letter. _

_Running my hand across Delly's letter, I notice that the paper is very thin. It feels soft on my fingertips._

"_I'm sure she is good at what she does!" My mother yells, emphasizing the word "does" very sharply._

"_Don't you even want to know what she said about Peeta? Try to think of your son instead of yourself!" My father says. _

"_I am thinking of Peeta. He needs to toughen up or he'll never survive this god-forsaken place we call home."_

_This isn't happening, I tell myself. Delly isn't hearing this! _

_I rest my hand on my forehead and continue to look down. Closing my eyes, I try to block out the whole world, even Delly. She won't let me though._

"_It's okay, Peeta." Delly whispers, "I didn't think you fell off a ladder anyway." _

_I nod but don't open my eyes or look up. Warm tears form behind my eyelids. Swallowing hard, I force them back. _

_My fingers slowly open Delly's letter, my hands shaking a little. _

_Maybe it will distract me, I think._

"_Peeta, You are a good friend. Just remember that everything is going to be okay. Feel better soon. Love, Delly." I read._

_That was a mistake. Now I'm really going to cry._

_Tears start to fall onto the quilt despite my desperate attempts to hold them back. Delly crawls over towards me and rests my head on her shoulder in a hug. _

"_I won't tell anyone, Peeta. I keep your secrets; and you keep mine, remember?" _

_I nod against her shoulder, very glad that my mother can't see me. She would certainly think I am weaker still if she could._

_/_

_I know I'm burning up with fever. I have the strange knowledge that I'm talking out of my head, but I can't stop myself. Katniss puts something cold on my head. It's soft, like a cloth. Her fingers touch my face lightly. Even a few minutes later, I can tell she's right beside me. Then she lies down. She keeps her bow nearby, ready to defend us at any moment. If only I could still protect her. That's all I've wanted since the reaping, to protect Katniss. I drift off into unconsciousness or sleep; I'm not sure which it is. After waking, I realize she's gone._

_/_

_Delly presses her lips firmly against mine, but she keeps them completely still. _

_This is not at all the way I've seen my brother and his girlfriend kiss._

_After a few seconds I pull away. Delly's blue eyes are open already when I open mine. She's holding my arm gently, but I find myself wanting her to let go. My eyes glance down at the front of her dress. She looks more grown up than many of the other girls. The boys at school are starting to look at her longingly, and it makes me want to protect her. A light sigh escapes my lips. _

"_What did it feel like?" Delly asks shyly._

"_You said you wanted to know what it felt like. You never said anything about wanting to know what I thought it felt like." I reply in avoidance of the question._

"_Well, I guess I really wanted to know both," Delly admits. _

"_What did it feel like to you?" I ask curiously, still avoiding her question._

"_Kinda' like being tickled. It sort of felt tingly too." Delly answers._

"_So…what did it feel like to you?" She asks again._

_Shrugging, I try to come up with an answer. She'll never let this go._

"_Ah, come on. You have to tell me." She protests, "What other boy is going to tell me these things?"_

_I pick up a stick and run it across the dusty ground nervously. I decide on honesty._

"_It felt strange. You are probably too much like a real sister to me. I think any other boy could tell you about this better than me because it'd be different with any other boy."_

_Delly let go of my arm. She seemed a little offended._

_Opps. I've hurt her feelings, I think. Plus, I shouldn't have said "any" other boy. I wouldn't want "any" other boy kissing Delly._

"_Just be careful who you kiss, Delly. Some boys are…well…they'll want to take advantage of you," I say quietly._

_She pulls away even further._

"_I mean that as a compliment," I say. "You're very…pretty." I regret saying it immediately. Destroying my friendship with Delly would be disastrous. Delly manages to salvage the conversation though._

"_I know who you need to kiss. You need to kiss Katniss," Delly says with a smile. _

_My cheeks burn with embarrassment. It's just Delly though, so there's really no need to be embarrassed._

"_Just thinking about Katniss makes me feel…like that." I admit. _

"_I know. Are you ever going to tell her that though?" Delly lingers on the word "her." _

"_No. Not unless…not unless it feels right. So far, it never has," I confess._

"_You're just scared, Peeta Mellark. You're scared she won't like you back!"_

_A wave of panic suddenly rushes over me._

"_Don't ever tell her Delly! Please!" _

_Delly rolls her eyes in disgust. _

"_I won't. You should tell her though. I mean, after you let her get to know you, you should. By the way, you have to talk to her to let her get to know you. It's never going to feel right. You're too scared for it to feel right."_

_/_

_If only I wasn't so sick, I think. This doesn't feel right._

_Katniss' lips press against mine, and they are ice cold. They feel so good though. They're so soft, and they soothe me. Maybe this does feel right. I do feel tingly, even though I'm burning with fever._

_I must be dreaming, I think. This can't be real._

"_It's not," Katniss says. "It's not real at all. It'll never be real. It never has been."_

"_How do you know what I'm thinking?" I ask._

"_I know everything about you, Peeta. I know all the things you hide from the world, all your secrets. I know everything you've been hiding from me too! Why don't we just tell Panem all about all that before you die? That way you can die as who you really ARE!"_

_I cringe. She's holding against me my very humanity. Doesn't everyone have secrets? She knows I wanted to die with some dignity. She's going to deny me even that._

"_Why don't we tell them about your Mother and how she beat you up because you were so worthless to her? You are worthless, you know! Yeah, I know about that. Everybody should know about that before they put you on some pedestal. Something must be very wrong with a person who isn't loved by their own mother." She continues._

"_Why don't we tell them about your little unfulfilled fantasies about me, Peeta?. I'm sure your mother would love to know your ideas about me, and what you'd like to do with me." Katniss sneered. "She's so fond of us in the Seam." Katniss added sarcastically._

_I shake with anger. Soon I realize that my body really is shaking. A sensation of floating settles on me, and_ _I become aware of being in the hospital room again. _

_/_

"_I can't do this anymore." I heard Delly say. "It's too hard. I can't watch him like this anymore. I'm so sorry. I really don't want to abandon him! I know he feels abandoned already!"_

_She was crying, sobbing actually. Guilt flooded me._

"_We've come up with something new, Delly." I heard a man say. I recognized his voice; he was one of the doctors. "We're going to try it tomorrow. He's going to need you. Try to come if you can."_


	16. Trust

The man in green wasn't there, but someone was putting a needle in my arm. I pulled my arm away violently, but several hands held it down. My other arm was restrained.

"It's alright, boy. You're still here in District 13. We're trying to help you."

The words were Haymitch's.

"So this is Prim's idea?" I heard Delly ask in a whisper.

Both Haymitch and Delly moved a little closer, and I could see them.

"Probably better not to mention her," Haymitch muttered in response.

"Right. Sorry." Delly said sheepishly.

I wondered why Haymitch thought it was risky for Delly to mention Prim but acceptable for him to be present. Both of them reminded me of Katniss. At the moment it wasn't thoughts of Katniss that bothered me anyway. Instead, I fought off thoughts of the man in green, my primary torturer in the capitol.

_He's probably dead anyway. Snow almost certainly killed him after I was brought to 13, _I thought.

I saw a bag of IV fluid hanging over my head.

The question "how will I get through this again?" echoed in my mind.

My heart skipped a few beats before beginning a ridiculously fast rhythm. I could hear it pounding in my ears. Feeling smothered, I found myself struggling for breath. I couldn't get enough air no matter how hard I tried. I pulled my arms up as hard as I could and tried to raise my head. The man putting the needle in my arm cursed as blood trickled up my arm and dripped onto my shoulder.

"Let me go!" I yelled. "Don't do this to me again."

I pulled harder on the restrained arm and tried to use the bleeding arm to loosen the restraint. Had I been able to see what I was doing, I'd have been successful.

Delly put her hand on my shoulder, which startled me at first. Her voice was even and soothing as she explained, "Peeta, nobody has ever done what we are planning to do for you. We want to help you. I'm sorry if this looks scary; it's not meant to look that way."

"This is…the venom…right?" I said pointing to the IV bag.

"Why are _you_ here Delly?" I stammered.

"No, this is something else. It's something to calm you," she continued. She took my restrained hand and held it gently in hers. "I promise, Peeta. We're going to show you some videos and give you medicine to calm you. That's all. No venom."

I nodded. Delly couldn't lie to me, could she?

Haymitch chimed in, "if you keep your arms still I'll see that they don't restrain them until they start giving you the medicine. Would that help?"

Being trusted, even for a few minutes, was something I'd not experienced in a long time.

I laid my arms down obediently and allowed the needle to be placed in my arm. The people in white strapped the restraints on again as soon as they finished with the needle though.

An attendant positioned a video screen in front of me, and a video of Katniss and me in the arena began playing. My heart began pounding again, and I closed my eyes.

Delly whispered in my ear, "You have to keep your eyes open."

"No. I can't," I told her.

I pulled against the restraints as hard as I could and tried to sit up. Escaping was impossible though. The helplessness I'd felt being tortured in the Captitol reimerged and I panicked.

"Turn it off!" I yelled, "Please turn it off!"

Voices could be heard murmuring in the background. When I looked up, everyone's back was to me except for Delly and Haymitch. The video played on as I started to tremble uncontrollably and feel nauseous.

"Turn it off. Turn it off." I begged. It might have made me look weak, but at that moment nothing else mattered but getting reminders of Katniss away from me. I'd just partially recovered from days of total confusion, and I didn't want to go back into it.

The people with their backs to me kept talking.

Delly reamined closest to me. "I'm going to be sick, Delly," I warned her.

A feeling of doom overwhelmed me. My heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest. I pulled so hard against the restraints in an attempt to sit up that Delly jumped.

"It's okay, Peeta. I promise," Delly said encouragingly. There was fear in her voice though.

"Don't say that! _Do_ something! Make them stop it," I choked out, barely avoiding vomiting all over her.

Delly looked confused as if she was surprised that her reassurances were failing. Then she stood up. "Damn it!" I heard her scream in her distinctive District 12 accent, stomping her foot for good measure. "Pay attention to what he's saying!"

Suddenly the room was silent. The stunned people in white turned around.

"He _said_ he can't do this," Delly continued. "Stop talking about it! Turn it off! Don't torture him! He's been tortured enough already! I grew up with him, and he can handle…a great deal. If he says he can't do this then he can't."

There was a pause. Katniss' voice could still be heard…saying something about a goat. I tried unsuccessfully to ignore it.

"I think the girl's right." Haymitch said, obviously proud of Delly. "Peeta has certainly demonstrated bravery and perseverance in the past. Explain this process to him some more. Give him a few minutes. If he doesn't want to try it today or ever, then he shouldn't have to try it."

Catching my breath, I looked at Delly. I squeezed her hand in a gesture of thanks.

An attendant stopped the video. One man stepped forward.

"Peeta, I'm Dr. Aurelius. I'm the leader of the team here. I'm very sorry that we didn't explain this process well. You've been confused so much of the time. That's not really an excuse though. We're going to show you a video of you and the hijacking subject in the arena. Then we're going to give you some medicine to make you feel calm. We're hoping to change your reaction to the hijacking subject. It's a kind of deconditioning."

"By hijacking subject you mean…her…Katniss?" I asked.

"Yes," he confirmed.

Dr. Aurelius leaned over, "We know you are suffering. We want to try to stop that."

"Really? How could you tell I was suffering?" I asked sarcastically. The doctor backed away an inch or two. "And you think this 'treatment' you've developed will stop my suffering? Is that it? Becauase I don't think anything is ever going to do that, except maybe dying."

Delly squeezed my hand. Then she looked down at our joined hands and closed her eyes as if my frank words pained her.

I leaned back and stared up at the ceiling, knowing that I was not acting anything like my normal self.

_This is my life now._ I thought. _I'm stuck in a hospital completely out of my mind most of the time. I'm snapping at the people trying to help me and talking about death as a relief from suffering. Why am I resisting an attempt to "fix" me? _

"Sorry. I didn't mean that. I want to try this treatment you're describing. My only request is that you stop it if I ask you to stop it. That will give me some control over it. I'll try really hard not to ask."

"Fair enough," said Dr. Aurelius. "So you are ready to proceed now? Do you need more time?"

"No, I'll only dread it if you give me more time." I replied honestly.

"Alright."

Delly squeezed my hand one more time, and I saw Haymitch standing nearby. The video began playing again. I forced myself to look at it. On the screen Katniss was telling me a story about how she bought a goat for her sister Prim. She looked battered and bruised though still attractive. I looked awful. For over a year I'd tried to put out of my mind all the trauma that we'd endured in the games. The truth was that it followed me like a shadow no matter what I did. Worse traumas kept piling on top of it. How much could one human being take? I didn't even know how to process what happened to me anymore.

A few moments into the video, my heart began pounding again. My palms became sweaty, and the nausea returned full-force. My chest ached. I was considering asking that the video be turned off for a few minutes, when I heard Dr. Aurelius give the order to start the calming medicine. Seconds later I felt very sleepy.

/

_I hear her screaming on the train. Her nightmares have been so bad lately._

_I wake her as gently as I can._

_"Katniss," I say. "Katniss, wake up."_

_She stirs and begins crying uncontrollably. I wrap my arm around her shoulder reassuringly while knealing on the floor. It hurts my bad leg, but I don't care. I'm just glad she's stopped screaming. Katniss pulls me nearer to her._

_"Hold me," she pleads. "Please hold me, Peeta."_

_I'm unsure of exactly what I should do. Then she moves over to make room for me beside her._

_I slide into the bed and wrap my arms around her. The sheets are warm where she's been lying. Her sweet scent surrounds me. The fabric of her nightgown is silky and soft under my hands, and I wonder how I'd ever control my thoughts if I wasn't so focused on her struggle with the nightmare. At first she cries harder, but then she starts to become calmer. Soon she's asleep in my arms. I touch my fingertips to the fabric of the nightgown that covers her shoulder. Electricity seems to shoot through me. Maybe I'm just inexperienced, but no other girl has ever made me feel this way. I suspect that no other girl ever will._

_"I love you," I whisper. My voice is so low that I know Katniss couldn't have heard it. I know I've said the words though; that's something. Someday I'll say them to her._


	17. Morphling

_I'm in the bakery. Having just gotten home from school, I don't realize that nobody is minding the store. I run up the stairs to show Papa the certificate from my teacher. It says "Best Book Report." _

"_Papa! Papa!" I call._

_My older brother catches me by the shoulders in the hallway before I can run into my parent's bedroom. _

"_Peeta, shhhh. Mama's worse. Papa's in there with her." _

"_What do you mean 'worse'?" I ask._

"_Papa couldn't wake her up after we left for school. She's awake now, but she's very tired. The midwife says she has a bad infection. Do you understand?"_

"_You said yesterday that the baby died when it was tiny, before Mama even told me about it?"_

"_Yes, but now Mama is really sick. That happens sometimes."_

_I nod, but I don't really understand. The idea of not being able to wake up my mother is terrifying. All the talk about death is terrifying too. I know that if you can't wake something up then it is dead. A bird is dead if you poke it with a stick and it doesn't move. _

_Hot tears run down my face, and all I want is my father. I run through the bedroom door before my brother can stop me._

"_Peeta!" He calls after me, lunging to catch me again._

"_It's alright," my father tells my brother as I enter the room. "Let Peeta come in."_

_The door shuts behind me. My father's eyes are red and puffy. He kneels down to hug me, and I wipe a tear from his cheek with my hand. _

"_Thank you, Peeta. Do you want to see Mama? She's very sleepy."_

_I nod. He pushes me along to the side of the bed. Mama isn't moving, and her skin is very white. _

"_Marilyn, Peeta is here," Papa says._

_Mama opens her blue eyes and looks at me. She reaches her hand up to touch my hair. Then her eyes close again._

"_Does it hurt?" I ask her, not knowing what to say._

_Mama doesn't answer._

_Papa answers though. "Peeta, I think your Mama feels like you did when you had the measles. She feels really sick, but it doesn't hurt like skinning your knee hurts."_

_What I wanted when I had the measles was for someone to stay with me and hug me. I decide that if Mama feels like I felt with the measles, then that's what she'd want too. _

_I use my foot as leverage to crawl into bed with Mama. I figure that she won't mind my shoe being on the bed as sick as she is. Mama doesn't complain or even move during the process. I lie down next to her and cling to her arm. _

_I hear Papa crying. _

_/_

I was suddenly in the hospital room with Delly, Haymitch and the doctors. A fog of sleepiness still enveloped me though. The memories had an intoxicating quality that was different, so I didn't really want them to slip away. I closed my eyes and became lost again in my mind.

_Katniss and I are sitting on a beach. The sand feels rough as I put my palms on it to move closer to her. She leans towards me. Her soft hair blows gently against my cheek with the wind. Then she rests her head on my shoulder._

_Our words are inaudible, but I can feel my heart aching. There's a longing to be with her as long as possible even though I feel I'm obligated to leave her._

_Why do I have to leave her? I don't understand._

_I show her a necklace that I've been wearing, and she stares at it. Then she stares back at me with a yearning expression that I wasn't expecting. The emotional intensity is almost palpable, but I have no connection to what it means._

_I just know I love her._

_We are kissing in the moonlight that reflects off the water. Katniss' skin glows, her face and neck slightly flushed. It's probably the heat, but it is undeniably sensual. My arms wrap around her waist and hers wrap around my neck. Her gray eyes are dark with intensity, and her eyelids flit closed as she sighs. The fact that she responds to me so readily is exhilarating. If only we had more time…more time to grow together. We kiss repeatedly and I lean her against one of my arms until her back rests against the sand. Apparently, knowing that we are probably being recorded is no deterrent to our passion. I appear to be kissing down Katniss' neck when there is a loud "boom."_

_And my beautiful vision of us is suddenly gone._

_/_

I opened my eyes to see the ceiling of my room in the hospital.

"I had them take the restraints off," Haymitch said as he leaned precariously against the wall in an aluminum chair. "I told them I could handle you if need be." My mentor chuckled. "How did the new 'treatment' feel?"

"Umm. It felt kind of good."

"I'm sure it did. Morphling does that to people," Haymitch said.

"That's what they gave me?" I asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah. It was an awfully big dose too. I was afraid it was a little too much actually. You got a little…high." He laughed again.

"Oh, no. What did I say?"

"Ah, nothing we don't already know. You were talking to Katniss, I think. You told her that you loved her. That's not exactly breaking news."

"Delly heard it too?" I asked.

"Yeah. It wasn't breaking news to her either."

"We couldn't understand most of the rest of what you said. Then when you finally woke up and started talking, you talked about goats. I guess that was because of the video being the story of how Katniss bought Prim's goat. Then you were totally confused for a day or so…"

"I was out for a whole day!" I exclaimed.

"More like two. It was a big dose of morphling."

I sighed. "At this rate I'm going to spend half my life drugged."

"Not really a bad life for a victor," Haymitch replied dryly.

I glared at him.

"Not the life I want," I countered.

"I can see that," he said raising his eyebrows.

"Haymitch, I don't think I've ever told Katniss that I love her."

"Maybe you haven't. You've shown her that you do though; you've shown everybody that you do." He pointed out.

His willingness to listen without immediately resorting to wise-cracks was unexpected.

"I was on the train in my dreams. Is that what I should be calling them? Dreams?" I asked.

"Ask Aurelius. I don't know what you should be calling them. Are they memories?"

"Some of them seem to be memories."

"The one about the train, was that one a memory?" He asked.

"Yes, I think so," I told him.

"Was it about you and Katniss in her room on the train?"

"Yeah. How'd you know that?"

"Wild guess." He said.

I cringed. "I didn't say anything, did I?"

He chucked again, "Nothing anybody but me could decipher. You were telling her to wake up. I knew you did that on the train, but Delly wouldn't have known that. The staff wouldn't have known either."

"We were holding each other on the train. I think I was comforting her after one of her nightmares." I admitted.

"Is that what you did? Hold her? You stayed with her almost every night on the train, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out that it was simply to hold her. Katniss was a real mess then, and you were very worried about her." Haymitch explained.

"I think that's what happened. I can't remember for sure. It's so frustrating! I should be able to remember what happened!"

"You're right. You should, but they purposely targeted your relationship with Katniss when they distorted your memories. It's not surprising that you can't remember what happened on the train, or in the arena, or anywhere with Katniss." He explained.

"It's hard to accept that I'm crazy, Haymitch. I'm probably never going to be completely sane again. It's something I never thought would happen to me."

Haymitch nodded, his face suddenly awash with guilt.

Not wanting him to feel badly, I paused to let him recover before continuing.

"Sometimes I wish I could see her and ask her questions about the things I can't remember." I admitted.

"Maybe someday you will be able to do that, Peeta."

"Where is Katniss, anyway?" I asked.

"She's in District 2. It's the last District that's outside of rebel control."

"You mean the war is almost over, Haymitch?"

"I didn't say_ that_. There is still the Capitol. Plus, District 2 is a major military strong-hold," Haymitch clarified.

"Do you think she's safe?"

Haymitch smiled sympathetically and patted me on the shoulder, "I think you are slowly getting back to normal, Kid." He paused and added, "Katniss is safer than she's been in a long time. She insists on being in districts were the war is still raging, but they keep her away from the action as much as possible. She's the face of the revolution after all…our Mockingjay."


	18. The Person I'd Been

Haymitch's observation was true; Everybody agreed that I was "better." Sadly, by "better" they meant that my mind functioned on a basic level _some_ of the time.

Despite the fact that my memory often failed me, I remembered the person I'd been. Whenever I compared my current state to the person I had been, I was profoundly disappointed in my supposed recovery. My only option was looking forward because looking backward was too demoralizing.

Delly termed my spells of confusion "episodes." The episodes robbed me of all my energy whenever they happened. Mostly they lasted for hours, but occasionally they lasted for days. Afterwards, I would lie in bed feeling miserable and sad. I could still crack a joke, but mostly at my own expense. Some days were brighter. I was allowed to paint, but I couldn't bake because of all of the safety hazards involved.

Following the morphling treatment, I became convinced that the "dreams" about my childhood were all memories. They really happened. To test my theory, I asked Delly about the ones that involved her, and she confirmed that they were true. I decided to view anything after the reaping with caution though.

Curiosity overcame fear eventually. I wanted to know what really happened to me between the reaping and being rescued from the Capitol, and I realized that there were recordings to show me a small but significant portion of that time if I was willing to watch them. Watching them might prove problematic, and I certainly didn't want to be drugged any more than I already was. So I asked Delly for help.

"I found it," Delly said. "At least I think I found it."

"Great." I replied happily.

"I still don't understand why you don't just tell Dr. Aurelius about your interest in this recording."

"I don't want everyone…knowing about it," I explained.

"You realize the whole country saw most of this recording, right?"

"Yeah, but they weren't right beside me. It's different. I'm worried about my reaction to it too. How I feel about this recording is private, and I don't want to be judged."

"…but it's alright for me to be here, right beside you?" Delly asked.

"_Somebody's_ got to be here," I said, giving her a smirk that implied that she was just the same as anybody else to me.

She hit me playfully in the shoulder with the back of her hand.

"So what happens in the recording?" I asked.

"Why don't you just watch it?"

"I don't think I can. Watching it will probably send my mind somewhere else, like into an episode. The episode may or may not be accurate, while the recording should be accurate," I told her.

"So what are you going to do to find out what happens in it if you aren't going to watch the recording?"

"I'm going to ask you to tell me what happens…to tell me everything. Since I won't be able to see or hear Katniss maybe there will be less chance of an episode."

"That is going to be a little weird, Peeta."

"Not any weirder than kissing your best friend just so you can find out what it feels like. You turned my first kiss into an experiment!" I said laughing.

"We were kids, Peeta."

"And now I'm crazy. Help me out here, Delly."

She sighed.

"I'll try, but it's going to be kind of hard to capture the moment."

Delly started the recording on the television monitor, but she turned it so only she could see it. The volume was very low too. She stopped the recording frequently to tell me what was happening. I braced myself for embarrassment and confusion.

"You're on the beach. She's sitting beside you. Both of you are snuggled next to each other and look very content considering you're in a Hunger Games. Katniss is laying her head on your shoulder."

Delly stopped, "Peeta, do you want me to tell you what you are saying to each other?"

"Yes, but just paraphrase it. I don't want to trigger an episode like the one I had when the nurse used the same words Katniss had used once." I answered.

"Wow. This is so much pressure, Peeta. I don't want to cause you to have an episode. Maybe we shouldn't do this."

I was quiet. I didn't want to force her to help me. Delly's face softened as she seemed to move from fear to sympathy. She knew how much this meant to me.

"Alright. Let's keep going," she said. "Tell me if you feel the least bit uncertain."

She continued, "So you are telling Katniss that there is no sense in pretending about what your motives are. You point out that Haymitch has made promises to both of you. There's a locket around your neck that you take off and show to her. It has a picture of Katniss' family and a picture of Gale inside. Katniss looks surprised to see the pictures. You tell Katniss that her family needs her, but that nobody needs you."

Delly stopped and got a little choked up. "I hated hearing you say that," she whispered.

I nodded and pressed my lips together in a silent apology. I wondered if I'd even thought about how a statement like that one would affect someone like Delly who'd been so significant in my life. All my friends and family were alive when I made that statement. Those were some of the last words my family ever heard me say.

Delly recovered her composure and continued, "Katniss says that _she_ needs you."

"She said what?" I asked, shocked.

"She says that _she _needs you." Delly repeated. "Are you doing okay? Is that upsetting?"

"No, it's surprising though," I answered.

"Not really, Peeta. From what I understand, Katniss was distraught while you were in prison. She really did need you. Knowing that you were probably being tortured was killing her. Gale told me that she was so devastated after the interview when they beat you that she couldn't even do what they asked her to do as the Mockingjay. That's when the president agreed to try to rescue you."

"You know about that beating? _She _knows about that beating?" I asked, truly surprised. Nobody had even mentioned it to me since I'd been in 13.

"Yes, and we know you took it for us…to warn the people of 12 and 13 of imminent danger and death."

"You make it sound…"

"…brave, noble, selfless, amazing, extraordinary, exceptional? It is those things Peeta. You keep calling yourself 'crazy,' but you should be calling yourself a hero. That's what you are."

I squirmed in my seat, uncomfortable with what Delly was saying. She sensed it.

"They broke your ribs, and partially collapsed one of your lungs. That was to be expected though, wasn't it? In fact, you probably knew they could do and would do much worse. They might have caused a head injury too. The brain scan the doctors did when you got here showed injuries, but the doctors couldn't tell how old they were."

I glanced up at her, my heart skipping a beat. I parted my lips to ask her a panicked question, but she stopped me.

"I didn't tell them…about your mother. I knew you wouldn't want me to do that."

A sigh of relief escaped me, and my shoulders fell a full inch.

"You didn't have an easy life even before the reaping, Peeta. Have you ever thought about that…_really_ thought about that?"

"Neither did Katniss," I pointed out.

"But we are talking about _you. _You could have turned out to be a bitter, angry, and violent person. You didn't. Even when you were _supposed_ to be that way in the games, you weren't. Even now that the Capitol has tried to destroy your mind, you are overcoming what they've done."

"I choked Katniss! How is that not violent?" I asked angrily.

Delly stared at me, her blue eyes sparkling. Then she put her hands to her chin and shook her head.

She put her hands back down in her lap. "Just think about it," she said with a deep sigh of exasperation.

She turned her attention back to the recording. "Ready to keep going?" She asked

"Yes," I said with relief. I didn't want to think about choking Katniss for another second.

"Then you start kissing," Delly said smiling, "and it doesn't look like an experiment _at all_."

I couldn't help but smile back.

"And you keep kissing her for a while. You sort of lay her down on the sand," she said.

I roll my eyes, "I really did that on national television?"

"Yep!" She said with a giggle. "Don't be too hard on yourself. You were in a life or death situation with the woman you love. Besides, that's about as far as it goes."

I could feel my cheeks burning.

Delly continued, "Then there's a lightning strike and you both look startled. Finnick seems to realize you've been making out. He offers to keep watch alone, but you tell him you'll stay with him while Katniss sleeps. You walk her over to where the others are sleeping and clasp the necklace around her neck. Putting your hand on her belly, you tell her that she'll be an amazing mother someday." Delly stopped.

"So how did that feel, Peeta?" She asked, turning her head inquisitively.

"Good. Not out of control." I answered proudly.

"Let me ask you something, Delly. Do you think she meant it?"

"Meant the kisses or meant the part about needing you?" Delly asked.

"Either. Both."

"I think she meant the kisses. She's not _that_ good an actress,"

"No?" I asked.

"No." Delly confirmed.

"And yes, I think Katniss did need you. I think she still does, and I think she knows that now more than ever."


	19. The Girl I Killed

Delly and the nurse talked about the nurse's upcoming wedding for a long time before it started to bother me.

"My dress is white. The neck-line goes like this," She drew lines across her uniform with her finger to show Delly how her wedding dress fit. My mother is making a dress for me to change into after the wedding which is quite a luxury. It's going to be black…"

It was about that time that I started to feel dizzy.

I called Delly's name, trying to warn her. When that didn't work I tried to stand up, but she was so engrossed in the conversation that she didn't notice. By the time Delly and the nurse realized I was having trouble it was much too late. This time my mind didn't come back to reality for a full two days.

/

"_Peeta. Take this to your mother," my father says handing me a plate on which he's placed some bread, a few greens from the garden, and a small serving of squirrel meat. When he turns away I put my own portion of squirrel on the plate too and start up the stairs._

"_You should eat yours, Peeta." My brother says. He uses that lovingly scolding tone that he applies only to me._

"_Why? I want her to get better. Papa told her she needs to eat more meat," I explain._

"_And you're a little kid, so you need exactly the same things to grow that she needs to get better."_

"_I'm not that little!" I counter._

"_We don't need any more sick people in this house, Peeta. Eat."_

"_Mama is nicer to me. Why is that? Is it because I give her extra food?" I ask him._

"_I think she's being nicer to all of us. She needs us. She can't do anything for herself. On the other hand, being as sick as she's been might change a person forever. It's hard to say."_

"_So she might be nicer forever?" I ask hopefully._

"_Maybe."_

"_I hope she's like Delly's Mom. She's really nice."_

"_I didn't say being very sick would change a person into a completely different person, Peeta!" He says laughing. I know what he means. Delly's mother is jolly, something our mother would never be. _

"_Peeta! Upstairs! Please!" I hear my father scold. _

_I run up the stairs, leaving the extra squirrel meat on my mother's plate. She's in bed as usual. Papa says she can hardly walk though I haven't seen her try yet. _

_"Come here, Peeta," She says sweetly. "Are you going to read to me again?" _

"_Sure, Mama. Madge loaned me a new book."_

"_Oh, good." _

_I feel my heart leap. I feel loved._

"_And here's your dinner," I say, giving her the plate. _

"_Did you eat, Peeta?" She asks. _

"_No Ma'am."_

"_You go and eat. Then come back and read to me. I won't have you missing a meal." I look up at her in amazement and wonder if she really is a different person. The woman who's withheld so many meals from me couldn't possibly be saying I should not miss even one._

_/_

The nurse is calling my name. I hear Delly talking to someone else. There's no way I can respond to them, I'm too far gone for that. Defeated, I close my eyes and let it happen all over again. After all, the memory I'd just had of my mother was pleasant.

_The girl is by the fire she's built. It was foolish of her to build a fire at night, and I wonder why nobody warned her about that. What kind of mentor did she have? The careers have already debated about who should kill her and how she should be killed. Fortunately for me they are all so anxious to do the killing that they leave me out of the debate._

_Apparently strategizing about killing is important to gaining sponsors in the Hunger Games. At least that's what Cato has been whispering to us. The whole debate makes me sick to my stomach. In the end it's decided that Glimmer will shoot the girl with an arrow. There's rumor that Katniss is good with a bow, and Glimmer believes that by demonstrating her own archery skills she can impress the sponsors. I neither confirm nor deny the rumor. After all, Katniss never revealed her archery skills at the training center to anyone but the game-makers._

_The girl by the fire remains unsuspecting. I shake my head thinking about how she's not even keeping watch over the tree line. Glimmer moves ahead of the group, and the girl catches sight of her. She runs. Glimmer curses and refuses to take a shot at the girl as such a fast moving target. I speculate that Glimmer knows if she misses she will definitely not impress anyone. Cato motions for all of us to chase the girl, and we do. I try to show enthusiasm only because I want the careers to believe that I am part of their pack. In truth, my heart is breaking for this poor girl they are about to murder._

"_Please don't kill me," she begs when Cato finally catches her and knocks her to the ground. The words echo through me. Even after seeing several kids die while trying to run away from the Cornucopia, I Know I'm not prepared to watch Glimmer shoot down this girl in cold blood. I don't have much time to dread it though. Seconds later Cato lets the girl go, and Glimmer sends an arrow through her chest as she starts to run away. _

_My face contorts as I remember how my neighbor's cat plays with its prey before finally killing it. Have we been reduced to mere animals with no regard for the pain of another? The girl lets out a high-pitched, loud scream. Even the careers aren't arrogant enough to stay anywhere near her given how she's screamed. Another tribute could be attracted to attacking this poor girl's killer at any moment. _

"_Run," Cato orders, and we do. _

_We return to hunting Katniss. At least the careers believe we are looking for Katniss. I'm actually leading them away from anywhere I think Katniss might be. _

_When another debate breaks out about why we haven't heard a cannon fire and what we are going to do about it, I volunteer to go back to "finish off" the girl. I hope it will prove my loyalty to the careers' pack, but I also want to make sure she's not suffering too much. I can't get her out of my mind. Her face already haunts me, and she's not even dead yet._

_The girl is unconscious when I arrive. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't believe that I can kill her. So I decide to pull out the arrow. At least I'll be doing something. The arrow is lodged in her left chest, and when I pull it out blood pours everywhere and keeps flowing. I sigh and suspect that the arrow was in her heart or at least in an artery. By pulling it out I've probably caused her to bleed out faster, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. _

_It won't be long now for her. I am relieved that I don't have to do anything violent and that she is not feeling the pain. So I reach down and put my hand on her shoulder as I stare at the tree line. I whisper almost inaudibly how sorry I am, and I mean every word. The thought that the Capitol has succeeded in making me a killer hits me, and a lump rises in my throat. How could I have come to this point? Being complicit in this girl's murder makes me just as guilty as Glimmer. Nobody wins in the Hunger Games._

_As the girls bleeds into the forest floor, I hear Katniss saying, _

"_You said you wanted to die as yourself. Is this who you are, Peeta?" _


	20. The Bravest Person

_School is canceled which would usually make me happy, but it doesn't because the reason is a mine explosion. The whole district is a chaos. My father is insisting on bringing some older but still edible bread to the mine for the families of the trapped or dead miners. My mother is vehemently opposed._

"_It sets a bad precedent! We can't give them charity because they'll come to expect it!" She argues. _

"_Marilyn when I thought you were dying, it was awful! I just want them to feel some measure of comfort. It's just bread that I'll have to throw out soon enough anyway!" _

"_It's bread that we eat every day! I won't have you giving it to those vermin at the mines," my mother continues angrily._

"_Those people are our neighbors and customers. Some are our friends," my father counters._

"_Some of them may be your friends, but none of them are my friends."_

_My brother shakes his head at me. We both know that Mama is not going to win this argument. _

"_Your friend Katniss Everdeen's father is one of the missing miners," my brother says._

_I stop breathing for a moment._

"_What?"_

"_Katniss Everdeen, the healer's daughter. Her father is one of the missing miners. Aren't you friends with her?" He asks._

"_Not really," I say casually._

"…_but you want to be?" He asks._

_I feel warmth creeping across my face, but I avoid the question._

"_I guess that's a yes," my brother continues as he takes some loaves of bread out of the oven._

"_Are they dead?" I ask him._

"_I think they might be, unfortunately," He admits. "It sounds bad."_

"_Poor Katniss," I say, thinking aloud more than anything else._

"_It's going to be really hard on these families if the miners are dead. My friend Becki's father is missing too. She says she doesn't know how they'll survive without him if he's gone. She looked like she'd been crying all day when I saw her." I could hear the concern in my brother's voice._

_Has Katniss been crying all day too? I wonder._

_Papa walks up with a few large bags of bread. Since half the town is down at the mines, there is plenty of old bread to be had. My mother believes we are losing business over the crisis, but the bread my father wants to give away is already baked. Nobody would or could buy it right now. _

"_We need to cut these loaves into small pieces. Then you boys can help me take them down to the mine," Papa says. _

_The mine is even more chaotic than the rest of town. Families stand huddled with each other in the cold wrapped in thin blankets they've brought from the Seam. The blankets are no defense against the bitter chill of the wind though. I pull the collar of my coat up onto my neck as we start to distribute the bread. Most families readily take the bread I offer, and most thank me. A few are so engrossed in crying or staring at the elevator of the mine that they barely respond._

_When I see Katniss, my shoulders slump in sadness. Her brow is furrowed with worry, and her hair has fallen out of its braid. Her hands look red from the cold, and I find myself wanting to take them in my hands to warm them. The tattered blanket she holds around her shoulders is so thin. Katniss shivers, and I wish I could wrap my coat around her. _

_Prim clings to Katniss' blue cotton dress. Their mother stands nearby with the blank look on her face that I've seen on so many others. I know she's likely to ignore the bread if I offer it. Her mind is on her husband. I know who Mr. Everdeen is. He's a nice man, and his wife seems very happy. How sad that he may never come home._

_As I start to walk towards the Everdeens another group of miners comes up the elevator. There are frantic whispers of hope, but none of the miners are actually from the area of the explosion. Though muffled cries of joy come from the arriving miners' families, I see Katniss' head drop forward. Her disappointment is so raw. Offering her a little bit of bread doesn't seem like enough comfort to extend._

_Several arriving miners shake their heads in sadness, and it's clear from their demeanor that the explosion has been a very bad accident. Prim pulls on Katniss' skirt and speaks. Whatever she says causes Katniss to kneel down and hold her. She's always so good to Prim._

"_So, are you going over there?" My brother asks from behind me. _

"_No. They are so sad. I don't want to bother them," I say in reply and walk towards another group of families._

"_Peeta, you obviously like her, why don't you just go and give her some bread? Make today a little easier for her. If she were Delly or Madge you would," He says._

"_But she's not Delly or Madge. You do it. I don't want to bother her."_

_Out of the corner of my eye I see my father walk over to the Everdeens. He gives the girls a sympathetic smile along with the bread. Then I see him slip a small cookie into Prim's hand. Prim hugs him. As my father offers Mrs. Everdeen bread her bottom lip begins to quiver and a tear rolls down her cheek. She tilts her head to the side and stares into my father's eyes sadly. Her chin wrinkles, and I think she's going to embrace him. She stops short of an embrace, but for a moment it feels as if my father and Mrs. Everdeen are the only people standing here at this mine._

"_I'm so very sorry," he tells her. "They are in our prayers. I hope you get good news soon. He is such a good man."_

_My father pats Mrs. Everdeen's arm._

"_Wow," My brother says as he watches my father and Mrs. Everdeen._

"_What?" I ask._

"_Nothing," he explains. "Just a lot of…chemistry…that's all."_

"_What do you mean?" _

"_You'll understand someday, Peeta."_

_Katniss turns and looks directly at me. As quickly as possible, I dart my eyes to the ground._

_/_

Everything was quiet in my room when I became aware of it again. I scratched my fingernails against the sheets, and tried to speak.

"I'm so sorry. Nothing we've given him is working." The voice was Dr. Aurelius. "It will pass; I know it will…" His voice faded as I got lost in my mind again.

_I wake up with a mouth so dry I can barely swallow. The pain is much better, and I don't feel as feverish. When I look down at my leg I'm amazed at how much it has improved. The swelling is down and the red streaks have faded. I feel a strange sensation in my upper my arm though and then see that there's a syringe lodged in the muscle. I pull it out. _

_Katniss! I think. She must have gotten the medicine. Where is she?_

_The cave is dark so it's hard to see, but I find that Katniss is not far from me. When I speak to her, she doesn't answer. I reach my hand out and it touches wetness. I hold my hand up close to my face and find that the liquid is blood. Moving closer I can see a large pool of it under Katniss' head._

_I try to look for injuries in the darkness. There's a gash on Katniss' forehead that looks deep as I brush her hair away to get a better view at her. I check her arms and legs for more injuries but don't see any. Then I roll her slightly to see if there's any blood underneath her body. I stop short of touching her anywhere else, but I try to make sure she's not been cut by looking for blood and tears on her clothes._

_I think about how she's just saved my life and wonder what price she's paid for it. This isn't how I had planned it. Katniss was supposed to be the victor, and I was supposed to help her. Now she might die here in this cave. Pouring water on the gash, I try to clean it. Then I apply the burn medicine and a bandage from the first aid kit. Katniss said she thought the burn medicine might help prevent infections. I hope so. The blood quickly soaks the bandage though. So I hold my hand firmly over the bandaged gash trying to slow the bleeding. _

_Considering how I've watched her as we've grown up, it's a sad irony that I might be watching Katniss die. I told Caesar Flickerman how I'd had a crush on her forever. It was true. She had always been an amazing person. It was when she came back for me that I realized just how exceptional she was though. Thinking of me and not herself, she allowed nursing me back to health to endanger her own safety. _

_And what about Prim? She loved Prim so much. How did I fit into that? Why would she risk a chance to get back to Prim to save my life? I would have settled for her holding my hand while I died in this cave because that's much more than she was obligated to do. Katniss chose self-lessness though. _

_Looking down at her again, my heart aches for Katniss. She is the bravest girl…no the bravest person…I've ever known. Maybe she can't tell people what she needs to tell them sometimes, but she shows them. What has she shown me? Compassion? Sacrifice? Love? I thought I was the one making sacrifices, but I'm not the only one. Katniss has been making them too._

_I remember touching three fingers to my lips and then raising my arm to salute Katniss when she volunteered for her sister. Sadness and regret filled me when I heard her volunteer. I'd never told her how much I cared for her, and I'd never get the chance. I saw so much lost potential. When my own name crossed Effie Trinket's lips, I was frozen. Surely this is a death sentence for me, I thought. As the reality of my probable death hit me, I realized there was no better person in that group of teenagers in the square to be with you in your dying days than Katniss Everdeen. That realiztion proved true. _

_Stroking her hair with my fingers, I know Katniss won't mind. Comfort is worth everything now. What else does one have in this terrible situation? She'd comforted me during my fever with her presence, her warmth, her touch, and her kisses. How could I comfort this brave girl? I lay down beside her at a respectful distance and touch her arm lovingly. I repeatedly brush a small lock of wayward hair behind her ear. When it finally complies with where I want it to rest, I run my finger along the soft skin behind Katniss' ear. Then I kiss that very spot also. Her skin is so soft and warm on my lips, letting me know that she is still very much alive. _

_As my eyes fill with tears, I hide my face in her wavy hair. There is no reason for the audience to see my pain. I think again about the lost potential. I can't say goodbye to Katniss. I won't say goodbye even if she dies. She'll always be a part of me somehow._


	21. Starving

My mind still reeled from the episode, but I seemed to be getting closer to reality. It was something like trying to exit a fog. I held on as my mind drifted back to the Victory Tour.

"_You mean this will make me puke?" I ask, trying to contain my frustration as I hold the dainty glass of liquid._

_Everyone except Katniss laughs hysterically again. "Of course, so you can keep eating," says Octavia. "I've done it twice already. Everyone does it, or how else would you have any fun at a feast?"_

_I very carefully deposit the glass in its former position on the table. _

"_Come on Katniss, let's dance," I say taking her hand. I needed the support of my friend, my love. How many meals were denied her because of glasses like these?_

_/_

I woke up to someone holding my arms.

"Shhhh," Delly said. When she saw my eyes open, she brushed my hair back from my forehead with her hand.

"It's alright," said the nurse reassuringly. "Try to stay with us this time."

Taking a look at Delly in the fluorescent light, I detected small scratches all over her arm.

"Delly," I said weakly as I brought a hand close to her arm. "Did I do that?"

"You didn't mean to. I was trying to help you calm down. You can't rest. You're getting no sleep; it's all...whatever this is." She started to break down into tears, but she seemed to stop them somehow.

"So sorry…I'm so sorry," I muttered.

"I could have let go, Peeta; I chose not to."

Desperation and shame seized me. "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt people." I cried, "this isn't a life; it's…it's…I'm not sure what it is, but it's no life that I want to live." I reached for Delly's arms for emphasis and then realized the scratches might hurt if I touched them.

I lifted my body up off the bed to tried to sit up, but the nurse and Delly guided me to lay back down with gentle hands.

"You haven't been up in a while; you'll have to take it slower or you'll fall," the nurse said.

"You haven't been violent Peeta; you've been confused," Delly said kindly. "I promise. I feel totally safe with you."

"I don't know how he can still be strong enough to try to get up like that," the nurse pointed out to Delly, "he hasn't eaten in days and pulls out every IV we try to use."

Addressing me, she continued, "Peeta, you need to eat and drink something. Then maybe you can fall asleep, real sleep."

"Oh, yes! Gale brought you some squirrel meat. We saved it for you. He wanted to see you, but you were too sick. He's in another District now," Delly explained.

I heard the door open. "Delly." A voice said quietly. I recognized it as Haymitch's even though I couldn't see him. He sounded upset, and he didn't greet me. "Something's happened in 2. You need to come out here for a few minutes."

"I'll me back," Delly whispered as she squeezed my hand.

"Isn't that where Katniss is? In 2?" I ask the nurse.

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with Katniss, Peeta. Gale, Beetee, and many other people are in 2 as well. Don't worry," she said. "Alright Peeta, just lay still and try to get your bearings. Stay in this moment with me," the nurse said. "we'll get you up and eating in no time."

Her voice became distant though. I was captured by my memories once more.

/

_The elders in the district can't remember a colder and wetter winter. Nobody goes anywhere unless it is a necessity, like school or work. Last week the weather became warm briefly, but the whole district simply evolved into a giant mud puddle. Personally, I prefer the heavy, wet snow to the mud._

_Katniss has been sitting in front of me at school for much of the year. Every day I've been__ staring at her dark, lovely hair and wishing I could swish it with my pencil or my hand. After the mine explosion, my thoughts change from ways to stealthily touch Katniss' hair to ways to comfort her though. Her father is never coming out of the mine. He's gone. As the winter wears on, Katniss grows sadder, thinner, and sicklier. _

_First, I notice that the color vanishes from her cheeks. It isn't due to the winter season's lack of sunshine because my friends Madge and Delly still look the same. Then Katniss' clothes start to hang increasingly loosely on her slight frame. Either Katniss or her mother takes in her dress, and I nearly gasp the next time I see her because the alterations make clear just how much weight she's lost. _

_Soon Katniss is gripping the back of her desk whenever she stands up, her knuckles turning whiter than the rest of her skin with the effort. She never faints in front of me, but there are many days when we rise to pledge our loyalty to Panem that I ready my arms to catch Katniss if she does. Katniss wraps her blue shawl around her shoulders all day but still shivers. I shake my head sadly. While feigning an interest in math class, I think of wrapping my arms around her. _

_After class one day, she's asleep on her desk. I shake her shoulder gently to wake her. I'm relieved when she takes a deep breath and starts to sit up. Then I quickly walk into the hallway hoping she won't even know who woke her. As a twelve year old in District 12, I'm not naïve enough to disregard the signs of starvation. I start having nightmares of Katniss dying. Though we aren't really friends, she's very important to me._

"_What's wrong," Delly says the day I woke Katniss after class._

"_Nothing," I tell her. _

"_Did something happen?" _

"_No."_

"_I wish you'd just tell me. I hate it when you mope around, it's so un-Peeta-like." _

"_That's not a word, Delly."_

"_No, but it should be," she says laughing so hard that she rolls backwards a bit on the floor in my room._

"_I think Katniss is going to die."_

"_Oh." Delly said solemnly, "I see." I notice how she doesn't reassure me that Katniss won't die._

"_She looks awful, and I usually think she's so…"_

"_Pretty?" Delly finishes._

"_Yes. Now she is still pretty, but she just looks so sick. I don't want her to be sick, and I will miss her so much if she dies." I explain, "I just like to be with her even if she barely knows I'm there."_

_Delly nods. "She's special to you. She's somebody you...love."_

_I suddenly feel guilty. "I would feel the same way if it were you Delly," I say. It sounds like I'm trying to convince myself though._

_Delly shakes her head. "No you wouldn't Peeta. You would not want me to be sick or die, but your feelings would be different."_

_"not less important though...not less hard." I expain._

_"I believe that, Peeta," Delly added. She got even more serious and her blue eyes looked very sad. _"_I heard my mother talking about the Everdeens. My mother wanted Mrs. Everdeen to look at my brother's hurt arm. My father went to Katniss' house, but Katniss' mother wouldn't even speak to him. She just stared at the wall. My father told my mother 'those poor little girls are starving.'"_

_I shudder. _

_An adult! Confirming all my fears! _

_The next day, I stealthily manage to get some nearly stale bread into my backpack, but my brother catches me at the last second._

"_Hungry, Peeta?" He asks leaning against a nearby wall and folding his arms across his chest._

"_Yeah, I am." I answer, throwing the backpack over my shoulder and striding away as fast as I can._

_He's much taller and manages to catch up and step in front of me. "It's for your friend; isn't it?" _

"_Maybe. I might eat it, or I might give it away," I say casually._

_He kneels and puts his hands on my shoulders._

"_I've done that before; I've stolen bread for a friend. Don't do it," he warns. "Find another way. Mama inventories meticulously and often. There will be a beating waiting for you when you get home."_

"_What other way is there?" I ask suddenly getting emotional, which embarrasses me in front of my brother even though we are so close._

"_You'll find a way, Peeta. Don't do this. You can't help anyone if you end up in bed for a week or two." _

_I think about Mama and me. She's still bigger than me, but I might be stronger now. I wonder if I could…_

"_Have you ever hit her back?" I ask my brother, wondering if he'll be appauled by my question._

_He stares into my eyes intently but doesn't seem surprised that I'd ask._

"_Yes. Once." He says slowly._

"_What did it feel like?"_

"_Almost as bad as her hitting me." _


	22. Dying Wish

[AN: We're getting close to Katniss and Peeta seeing each other again! How exciting. Let me know what you think of this chapter. I really love it when you review. It makes my day!]

Utter exhaustion, that's what I felt. I could barely hold my eyes open, and it was a reason to celebrate! The incredible fatigue meant the end of the episode. I slept for three hours, and it was real sleep!

Hoping to avoid triggering another multi-day state of confusion, I asked for a sketch book and started sketching pictures of the people who were taking care of me. I gave them the sketches as gifts. The strangers who were the subject matters of the sketches had nothing to do with my memories, visions, nightmares, and hallucinations. With this self-prescribed therapy, I hoped to keep my mind occupied and as far away from anything that would trigger confusion as possible.

Dr. Aurelius was pleased with my efforts. "These methods won't stop the symptoms long-term, but you need a break. I think it's a great idea," he said.

Finnick came to see me a day or so after the long episode ended

"I heard you had a rough week, Peeta." He said.

"It's gotten better in the last few days," I replied, trying to sound positive.

"Good. Everyone will be glad to hear that."

_Everyone?_ I thought. _Maybe that includes Katniss._

"So how's the war-effort. I feel very out-of-touch. They're probably afraid telling me what's going on will de-stabilize me, but everything that actually de-stabilizes me is personal. It's not about the war."

Finnick fidgeted in his chair.

Maybe I'd said too much. Bearing my soul to Delly, the doctors, and the nurses here in the hospital had become second nature to me.

"District 2 fell. That means all the districts are under rebel control, though there are still pockets of resistance. An invasion of the Capitol is being planned. It won't be easy," He said.

"How's 'the Mockingjay'?" I asked using Katniss' title to see how it sounded and to avoid saying her name.

"She's…doing okay. She's back here in 13."

"Oh, I didn't know that. Good. I'm glad she's safe."

"Umm, yeah. She's safe," Finnick said.

"It wasn't a question, Finnick. I would think she would be safe here in District 13."

"Of course she's safe. She just needs some rest."

Becoming suspicious of what he was saying and his tone, I started to ask more questions about Katniss, but Finnick interrupted me.

"Peeta, Annie and I are getting married. I was wondering if you'd decorate a wedding cake for us."

Still thinking of Katniss, I slowly recognized that Finnick was actually asking me to do something. Nobody had asked me to do anything or trusted me to do anything in so long.

"Absolutely! And congratulations!" I said.

"Dr. Aurelius has already approved for you to decorate it if you want to do it," he continued.

"I'm looking forward to it. Any special requests?"

"Just something that reminds us of home, Peeta. I trust your judgment."

_Wow, being asked to do something, being trusted to do something, and being given creative license? This is a big day!_ I thought.

"Great, the wedding is in 2 days. Is that enough time?" Finnick asked.

"Sure, I've decorated wedding cakes in much less time."

"Thanks, Peeta."

"No problem. Now go spend time with the bride-to-be!" I said smiling.

I spent the rest of the night sketching the cake.

Two security guards and a nurse accompanied me to the kitchen to decorate the cake. For hours my focus stayed on developing a theme of the sea. I incorporated fish, waves, boats, and anything else I could imagine that could be associated with District 4 into the cake. The techniques I'd learned as a child remained with me despite my brain's short-comings. It felt so good to use the skills my parents and brothers had taught me so long ago. I missed my family and was honoring them in my own way by decorating the cake. Standing back to look at it, I thought how my father would have loved it.

Then something terrible happened. Two of the kitchen workers started talking about Katniss.

"So I heard she's dead. Shot on that train platform in District 2," one said.

_Katniss is dead? If that is true then why hasn't anyone told me? Could they be hiding it from me because they know it will upset me?_ I thought. My heart raced. _How could anyone hide her death from me? How cruel! _

"Yeah, I saw the shooting live on TV, but I'm not convinced she's dead. That might be a rumor," the other man added.

The imagined Katniss laying on a train platform with blood pouring out of a gunshot wound. It was like seeing her bleed in the cave only worse! I desperately tried to stop the bleeding by pressing my hands against the blood soaked clothes over the wound. The blood just kept flowing. She looked at me with pleading eyes and softly said my name.

I dropped the bowl of bright blue frosting I was holding in my hand, and it shattered all over the tile floor of the kitchen. Dizzy and fighting having another episode, I sat down. Shards of glass pierced the palms of my hands as pressed them against the floor to try to stand again. Fortunately my clothes helped protect most of the rest of me.

The nurse must have realized what was happening, "Peeta," she said. "Listen, she's not dead! Do you understand me? She's very much alive and in the hospital recovering."

Shattered, just like the bowl on the floor…that's exactly what my mind was. The kitchen became distant as my memory conquered my consciousness.

/

_I can't believe she's shoved me. I won't shove her back though. There's no point in that. Besides, I can't shove a woman! Still, I'm going to be expected to kill women, and men, tomorrow though. My hands are bleeding all over the floor, and I'm wondering when Effie is going to complain about me ruining something. Clearly, the urn is shattered. _

_Katniss is arguing with Haymitch, Cinna, and Poria about whether my revelations about my feelings for her in the interview hurt or helped her. Oh course, I think they helped her! Otherwise I wouldn't have said what I said! I stay out of the conversation except to confirm that it was my idea to share the information. Katniss obviously hates me at the moment so it doesn't matter what I say._

_It was probably foolish of me to think that Katniss would take my feelings for her as a compliment. Still, I had entertained ambitious fantasies of her telling me she felt the same way about me. I'd envisioned us spending tonight…I don't know…expressing that somehow. I'd denied that I was doing any of this to gain Katniss' affections though. In fact, when I told Haymitch how I felt about Katniss, I told him he completely misinterpreted what I said. Maybe I was shallower than I thought._

"_Oh," Haymitch had said when I revealed that I had feelings for Katniss. "So you don't want to die a virgin, and you think she's your best prospect?"_

_Haymtich laughed._

_I rolled my eyes._

"_How do you know I'm a…"_

"_Wild guess; you aren't denying it," he said._

"_I think she is too, by the way. Not that I want to think about this kind of thing, but you brought it up. Twenty-some years of mentoring tributes who think they are about to die gives you some perspective on teenage sexual tension." Haymitch made a face like he was gagging. Maybe he was gagging._

"_No, actually what I brought up was that I care about her. Nothing more," I clarified. "I want her to survive the games and get back to her sister. Protecting her is my goal in the games. I have no intention of trying to win."_

_Haymitch's brow wrinkled, but it didn't take him long to come up with snide remarks._

"_Really?" He said. "You've stunned me, kid. I thought I'd heard it all. I was ready to hire you a prostitute, but what you really need is a psychiatrist!"_

"_Haymitch, just help me protect her. Surely in those twenty-some years of mentoring you've learned to grant a few dying wishes. It's what I want! I want to protect her! Help me find a way to get her back home!"_

_Haymitch looked at me suspiciously, his eyes narrowing. "You aren't joking? You really care about her that much?"_

"_Yes!" I said in exasperation._

"_Then it's easy." His voice softened, "You tell the audience just that. Then you go into the arena and protect her in any way you can. If you are convincing, then the sponsors will want to help you succeed in protecting Katniss. Since you sincerely care about her, it shouldn't be hard to be convincing." He patted me on the shoulder._

"_When do I tell the audience? During the interview?"_

"_Yes. Make it the subject of your interview. Caesar Flickerman will love it! Everyone will! Going into the arena with a girl you care so deeply for…only one of you being able to come out alive…it's golden."_

_I looked down for a moment. He was talking about my death and maybe hers too. He might be accustomed to the horror of the games, but I wasn't. Still, Hyamitch had agreed to help me safeguard Katniss' life. _

"_We'll need to practice for the interview without Katniss, Peeta. Her reactions will appear more natural if she doesn't know anything."_

"_She's not going to like that."_

"_Then it's good that you weren't planning to try to get together with her," he said._


	23. Love

**[AN – continuation of Peeta's "episode" in the last chapter – the one where he's remembering how Katniss responded to his revelation of his feelings for her during the interview]**

_I pick the shards of the urn out of my hands nervously. It is hard to have any pride left after being rejected, shoved, and injured by the girl you love when she finds out you have feelings for her. For the first time since the reaping, I have doubts about whether or not my focus should be protecting Katniss! Wounded emotionally and physically, I try to save face. _

"_She's just worried about her boyfriend," I say._

_If she has a boyfriend she isn't rejecting me. She's just incredibly loyal, right? I think._

"_I don't have a boyfriend!" Katniss protests._

_Maybe you do, and maybe you don't, Katniss. Do you even know? I think._

"_Whatever, but I bet he's smart enough to know a bluff when he sees it. Besides, you didn't say you loved me so what does it matter?"_

_There, I've said it. It was a bluff. Nothing more! She can't hurt me now, I think. _

_It still hurts though. _

_Katniss' face softens. She doesn't make any more venomous statements. _

_She must be relieved that I don't really love her. She's glad that it's all a bluff, right? It still hurts. I'm going to live a couple of weeks at the most, and it's going to keep hurting that long for sure. Just admiring Katniss at a distance didn't hurt like this. _

_Katniss is talking to the others about how the audience perceived her reactions._

_Unexpectedly, she turns to me. She's looking into my eyes. I want to look away, but that might reveal just how hurt I am. I stare at the bridge of her nose instead. _

"_I'm sorry I shoved you," she says._

_I actually believe her. I'm so stupid, I think. It's best to deal with this situation with humor at this point._

"_Doesn't matter; although it's technically illegal," I say, managing a very faint smile._

"_Are your hands okay?" She asks. She reaches out like she's going to touch them. I hate myself for still wanting her to touch them._

"_They'll be all right," I say. Unable to avoid them anymore, I look directly into her soft gray eyes. _

_We simply stare at each other until Haymitch suggests that we eat dinner._

/

The nurse was still saying that Katniss is alive. Yes, she was shot, but she's alive. She had surgery, but she's doing well. Nobody told me because they didn't want to upset me. They're sorry that they made that choice. They're sorry that they caused an episode for me.

The episode wasn't over though. I'd been through enough of them to know that. Fighting it was futile at this point and might exhaust me further. So I stayed very quiet as I fell into my own memories again.

"_I wouldn't go to the dance with you if you were the last boy on earth…The last boy I was ever going to see in my whole life!" Delly screams._

_I grabbed her arm and pulled her off to the side of the cafeteria._

"_What are you doing?" I say, "You're embarrassing yourself."_

_She's in tears by now._

"_He hurt my feelings, Peeta. He makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I hate him."_

_She's talking about Forest. Delly has a crush on him and wants him to go to the upcoming district dance with her. The dance is associated with the time kids sign up for Tesserae, but we all try to forget about that part. _

"_He's not going to go with you. He enjoys making you feel bad. Can't you see that," I tell her._

"_Why?"_

"_I don't know. Some people are just like that," I say._

_Forest walks by, smiling and waving at Delly. Then he glares at her. _

_I roll my eyes. He's so obnoxious. I cannot imagine what Delly sees in him. She's been unable to explain it to me._

_Delly and I walk to class. _

"_My Mom says we are too young to go to dances with other people anyway…I mean people we like." She says we should go in a group," I point out._

"_Your Mom said that. That figures," Delly answers emphasizing the word "your." _

"_Peeta, your Mom will probably want to choose your wife for you! She wants to control everything you do. If you want to go in a group then that's fine, but it's okay if you want to choose a specific person to go with you too," She adds. _

_"Maybe. Maybe Mama's just trying to protect me though. Maybe she wants to save me from getting my feelings hurt," I say._

_"Well, the only person you really want to ask isn't exactly going to be dancing, is she?" Delly says._

_I turn to her, unsure of the nature of her comment._

_"What does that mean?" I ask._

_"Nothing, Peeta! I'm just so upset. It was a mean thing to say."_

_Angry, I walk faster and manage to outpace Delly. Delly's not in my class anyway, but Katniss is supposed to be sitting in front of me still. Katniss has been absent from school for three days though. I look at her empty desk, wondering if I'll see her again._

_After Delly told me about what her Dad said about the Everdeen girls starving, I waited for Katniss to stand up and leave class before I did every day. I always found an excuse. The day before Katniss started missing school I pretended to be unable to find my pencil._

_I watched her very slowly stand up from her desk, her hand gripping the back of the desk as usual. She wavered slightly as she stood which prompted me to place my arm behind her. She couldn't see me do it, of course. Katniss picked up her book and started towards the door, moving a little faster now that she was upright. I quickly found my pencil that wasn't really lost and followed her._

_Katniss stopped in the doorway though. Her white hand clutched the door-frame as her knees apparently buckled. She managed to stay on her feet though. I closed my eyes for just a second and suppressed the tears starting to form there. Katniss paid no attention to my presence behind her, but our teacher noticed. She gave me a pained little smile as if she knew what I was doing. I looked down at the floor, embarrassed. When I looked up again Katniss was walking slowly down the hall and looking slightly stronger._

_I hated the thought that such an image might be the last one I'd have of Katniss._

_/_

_It's Saturday. I haven't seen Katniss in 4 days, but I haven't heard anyone say she's died either. I'm working in the bakery when I see my mother run out the back door. She's yelling for someone to leave the trash bins alone! Even in the cold rain!_

_Oh, no! I think, Not again._

_For whatever reason, my Mother hates it when people go through our trash bins. I really don't know why she cares so much. We put very little in them anyway, and what we do put in them is certainly trash! When I see who she's yelling at, I gasp. It's Katniss. I look back to see who's in the bakery. Dad isn't. I know he'd put a stop to this if he were. I go out into the yard knowing that it's up to me to prevent Mama from doing something foolish._

_"Mama," I say softly as I walk up behind her._

_Mama doesn't hear me. She's insulting Katniss and telling her she's going to call the peacekeepers._

_Katniss looks weak and pale, but at least she's alive. She's trembling badly, and I don't know if it's from fear or cold. Katniss starts to walk away. I'm sure my mother wants her to leave faster and doesn't realize or care that Katniss probably can't leave any faster._

_When Katniss is out of sight my Mother goes back into the bakery. I slowly follow, but I don't take my eyes off Katniss. She's winding around the bakery to where we keep our pig. There's an apple tree back there, and I watch as Katniss slides very ungracefully down the trunk of the tree and onto the muddy ground. The longing to help her has never been stronger._

_At first I think she's unconscious and start to go to her. Surely my mother won't be angry if I help an unconscious girl in the freezing rain, right? Then I see Katniss move her hands and am immediately relieved. The pig squeals from its pen, probably believing that I'm going to feed it since I'm the one who usually does. That's when it hits me! I know how to get Katniss some food!_

_I rush back into the bakery and check the oven. There's raisin nut bread inside. On the up side, it's very nutritious and dense. On the down side, it's expensive and my mother is baking it herself. The bread is nearly finished baking though, and the timing couldn't be more prefect._

_I look back to see where my mother is. Fortunately, she's in the front helping a customer. I slide the oven open and knock both loaves of bread into the fire. Quickly I pull them out, burning my hand in the process. One never becomes accustomed to burns, even when working in a bakery. I let out a small cry of pain and shake my hand._

_Suddenly, Mama is behind me. I hear her._

_"What did you do?" She says angrily._

_"I took the bread out…"_

_Before I can finish my answer she's swings a rolling pin at the side of my face. I make a grunting noise as it makes contact but don't give her the satisfaction of hearing me cry out in pain. It really hurts though, and I have to breathe deep breaths to keep from making more noise._

_"Well now it's burned!" She continues angrily. "That was my bread, and you should have left it alone. You stay away from my work, Peeta. You're clumsy and stupid. I can't trust you with anything."_

_She throws both loaves of bread at me unexpectedly, but I catch them._

_"Take that bread. Feed it to the pig, you stupid creature!" She is yelling as loud as she can, "Why not? No one descent will buy burned bread!"_

_I rush into the freezing rain again. It soothes the throbbing burn on my hand and my stinging face. As soon as I reach the pig pen, I pull pieces of burned crust off the loaves and throw them to the squealing pig. I listen and eventually look to make sure my mother has gone back to the front of the bakery to help a customer. Then I walk as quickly as I can in the mud towards Katniss. Her eyes meet mine. I want to run to her and give her the bread, but I know my mother could be back at the window at any moment. So I simply throw the bread at Katniss' feet as I turn back towards the pig pen._

_"Who's stupid, Mama?" I think_.


	24. Forgiving

I remember rambling about Katniss being dead. Delirious, I called her name and talked to her. Delly told me repeatedly that Katniss was alive whenever I was somewhat coherent, but it did no good. I was stuck in my own head, and in my head grief was all too real.

_Mama is sitting on a stool in the bakery. She's crying softly. They don't know I'm sitting at the top of the stairs listening._

"_Why are you so hard on him?" My father asks. "It was just two loaves of bread, and now he has to go around with a black eye and a red welt on his face for who knows how long?" _

"_He makes mistakes, and he's so casual about it," she sobs._

"_He's twelve!" My father replies. _

"_He reminds me of you!" She continues._

"_So you hurt him because you can't hurt me?" My father asks bluntly._

_Mama doesn't answer._

"_That's never going to solve anything," my father says. _

"_You have never wanted me. You only wanted her, and when you couldn't have her you settled for me," she says as she cries even harder. _

"_That's not true. She'd been married for a while already. I had moved on with my life. I loved you, and I wanted to marry you," my father reassures her._

"_You've never moved on with your life! I've seen the way you look at her! Now she's a widow. You can have her now, can't you? Why don't you! You can make sure those little girls have bread, right? You can let my children starve!"_

"_That's absurd. I love our boys more than my very life. You are the one hurting our boys, not me."_

_My father is right; he never hurts us in any way, I think._

_My mother's words become unintelligible. _

"_It's going to be okay, Marilyn," my father says soothingly. "You have to believe me. I want to be here with you and the boys, but I want you to stop hurting Peeta. I can't let you keep doing it. It's gone on too long as it is. It was bad enough with the other two, but you are so hard on him. If the peacekeepers knew what you were doing, they'd take him away from us."_

_I startle. Is that true or is he just trying to make a better argument for her being kinder to me? I wonder._

"_Remember when you were so sick after the miscarriage? You told me how sweet Peeta was. He's still that same person. In fact, he's even better. He's more creative and funnier now that he's older. He's smart too. You haven't let yourself get to know him."_

_I remember when my mother was sick. I read to her and brought her anything she needed. I wondered what I could do to help us have a good time together again. Those good times felt so distant._

"_Peeta still loves you," Papa tells her. "It's amazing that he does, but he does. You can see it in his eyes if you are paying attention. He's very forgiving, but even Peeta can't forgive forever. Nobody can. He will eventually expect you to love him back. I don't think Peeta feels like you love him," my father points out. _

_I get up from the stairs, not sure I want to hear any more. After all, what if she's about to confirm that she doesn't love me?_

_/_

When I came out of the episode I did something I'd rarely done since being brought to District 13, I made a request.

"I want to see Kantiss Everdeen," I said.

As long as Katniss was agreeable to see me, I saw no reason why my request should not be granted. Dr. Aurelius disagreed.

"I think you should wait, Peeta," He said. "I don't think you are ready to see the person who is the object of your hijacking. You could see some people more closely associated with her than Delly first and see how that goes. Maybe Prim or Katniss' mother could come to see you."

"No, I want to see Katniss, and I want to see her now," I said firmly.

"Why?" He asked

"Because I need to know she's really alive. While you've told me she is, I also know you've been lying to me. I want to see if she's the person I remember too. There are so many versions of her in my head that I want to sort out who the true Katniss Everdeen is."

"I don't think you can do that by meeting with her one time, Peeta."

"It would be a start though."

"She'd have to agree," Dr. Aurelius continued. "She's still recovering from surgery. She might not be ready physically or emotionally."

"If she won't come to see me then that tells me something right there. If she's not well enough to see me, then maybe her recovery isn't going as well as I've been lead to believe." I crossed my arms.

"I'll see what I can do," Dr. Aurelius said in a rather defeated tone.

Delly arrived after Dr. Aurelius left, and it was the first time I'd seen her since my mind had started to function more normally again.

She enthusiastically showed me a picture of Annie and Finnick's wedding cake. "I thought you might have forgotten what it looked like because of the episode. It's beautiful isn't it?" She said looking admiringly at the picture and then placing it in my hands.

"I suppose," I said quietly, refusing to look at Delly.

There was a long silence.

"So, are you angry with me?' She asked.

I said nothing in response which I knew would speak volumes.

"I guess after all these years of being your friend; I know when you are angry with me, Peeta. Why don't we just talk about it?"

I was more than happy to talk about it. In fact, I wanted to talk about it.

"I can't believe you lied to me. If Katniss had died, you would have lied about that too. It makes me feel like I can't trust you," I explained, still not making eye contact.

"We all thought we were doing what was best for you, Peeta."

"What's best for my life is not your decision to make. It's not their decision either," I said as I pointed toward what I knew was a one way mirror. "You lied to me. I guess I can see why strangers would lie, but I don't understand why you would lie, Delly."

"I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you the truth. There's a difference Peeta."

"Really? I don't see one.

Delly's blue eyes glistened and I saw her tighten her fists in frustration. She was angry too.

"Peeta, you lied to Katniss! For a decade you lied to Katniss! Then you told her the truth on national television right before you were both about to be thrown into a fight for your lives! I would think that might be a little distracting for her! You lied to your friends and teachers about what was going on at home during your entire childhood. Rarely did you even tell me more than the vaguest details about how you got hurt. You told a thousand lies…lies of omission. You did exactly what I did by not telling you about Katniss being shot."

"That's different. Those were my secrets to keep. I had a right to keep them," I said.

"Oh, let me finish, Peeta," she said raising her hand and facing the palm towards me. "There's more. Then you told more lies. You told lies that weren't just failures to tell the whole truth but complete fabrications. You told the whole country that you were secretly married to Katniss and that you had gotten her pregnant! We all believed you back home! People like Gale believed you! I believed you! You lied to all of us! Had you and Katniss died in the arena, we would never have known that what you said was a lie. You've lied a great deal in your life. That's why you can do it so convincingly."

"I thought those lies would help keep Katniss safe. Besides, if we'd died then those lies wouldn't have mattered," I argued.

"Oh, I know they mattered to your mother! They mattered to Gale! I'm sure they mattered to Katniss' mother and Prim too. We'd have had another person to grieve for too, your non-existent baby! Did you even tell Katiniss that you were going to tell everyone you were married and expecting a baby before you did it?" Delly asked.

I didn't answer.

"That's what I thought," Delly said.

"You still shouldn't have lied to me. What I did, I did to protect Katniss. She knew that." I folded my arms across my chest. I wasn't used to being so disagreeable, but I felt so betrayed by everyone that I didn't know what else to do.

Delly sat down in the chair beside me. She paused as if thinking about what to say next. She took one of my hands from my chest and interlaced our fingers. I let her.

"You know what I think? I think you don't understand why I lied because you don't have any idea how sick you've been." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard before continuing.

"At times you make absolutely no sense during the episodes, but when you do make sense it's usually terrible. If they restrain you pull so hard against the restraints that there are cuts all over your skin afterwards. That's one reason they don't do it anymore and why I sit here with you instead. You pull at your hair and claw at your skin. It's as if you want to hurt yourself, but you can't remember how to do it. So I make sure your nails are short and keep your hands down when you pull at your hair.

Sometimes you seem to be in pain and other times you are just completely confused. It's never positive though. Never. Even though you've told us that some of what you experience is somewhat positive, you always look like you're suffering. You call my name and beg me to help you. I can't help you so I just cry.

You plead with us to give you something to make the episodes go away. Everyone tries hard to do that, and I'm always hopeful. Nothing they've ever given you really works though. You simply get more confused. So I have to keep telling you that we've given you something, and it will start working soon. I know it won't though. It's heart-breaking, but if I don't tell you that then you've got no hope at all. You go back to pleading with us to give you something.

You've even begged for me to kill you several times. The things you say about your life are broken, but I understand them. You say that it hurts too much. You say you can't stand it anymore. Sometimes you talk about killing yourself. You are pretty specific about how you are going to do it. You apparently believe you deserve to die painfully.

I don't know how your mind can do two completely different things at once, but it can. When you are lost in an episode, you're still here with me much of the time. The times that you are sort of coherent during the episodes are actually the times that you are doing the best. I'm thinking that's all you remember. I guess you don't remember all these other things I'm telling you, do you?"

I didn't. Suddenly, I had some idea of just how much strength it took for Delly to come to visit me almost every day and to stay with me much of the time during my periods of confusion. Shame filled me. I was putting her through hell, and I didn't even know it. Then I ridiculed her for trying to protect me.

Delly continued, "Every time you have an episode, I think you might never come out of it. The thought of leaving you in a place so horrific that you plead for my help, beg to die or want to painfully kill yourself is inconceivable to me. I care about you too much to consider risking leaving you in such a place. I _couldn't _risk it. Protecting you was my motivation for lying to you, just like your motivation for lying before the Quarter Quell was to protect Katniss."

I didn't say anything for a few minutes as what she she'd said slowly hit me.

Finally, I told her, "I didn't know. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to keep coming here, Delly." I took her other hand and turned towards her, "It would be better for people who don't know me to see me like that."

"No, you can't get rid of me that easily, Peeta," she said. "I want to be here when you walk out of this place!"

"You really think that's possible?"

"Yes, I do. I've seen more of what you go through than anyone here, and I still think it's possible. It may take a long time, but you're slowly getting better."


	25. The Conversation

**[AN: This is the chapter where Peeta and Katniss meet in his hospital room. The**_** dialogue**_** between the two of them in this chapter is directly quoted from "Mockingjay." They're written into this Fan fic story from Peeta's POV though. Suzanne Collins gets all credit for "Hunger Games" – including the direct quotes in this chapter.] **

Somebody called Delly out of the room, and when she came back in she had some surprising news.

"Haymitch just called. He said that Katniss is going to come to see you tonight."

I could hardly believe it. When I told Dr. Aurelius that I wanted to see Katniss, I had doubts that she'd actually come to see me - ever.

"When?" I asked.

"She's at the wedding reception right now, but it's nearly over. She saw the cake. Haymitch said she recognized it as your work immediately. She was impressed that you were well enough to decorate it."

"What should I say to her?" I said out-loud without really meaning to do so.

Delly looked at me, confused.

"You don't know what you want to say?" She asked.

"No. I guess I didn't think she'd actually visit. Maybe I should start with 'I'm sorry I tried to kill you,'" I said sarcastically.

I hated what I'd become because of the Capitol. Thinking of Katniss made me revisit just how much I hated it.

"I think she already knows that, Peeta. It can't hurt to say it though."

"I want to ask her questions about our relationship or lack of relationship," I admitted. "The doctors will be watching and listening though. I can't ask her those questions here."

Delly nodded. She understood.

Dr. Aurelius, several nurses, and another doctor rushed into the room in a flurry of activity. Delly stood up; she probably thought something was wrong.

"Peeta, Katniss will be here very soon. We need to get you ready for the visit with her," Dr. Aurelius said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You tried to kill her the last time you saw her. She's the subject of your hijacking. We have to take appropriate precautions."

I looked at Delly. She shrugged.

"What does that mean exactly?" she asked. Clearly she knew as little as I did.

"We're going to use some restraints, start an IV, and have a medication ready to be administer at a moment's notice should it be needed," he said.

"What?" I said angrily. "Haymitch has been here. Delly is here all the time, and Finnick came by to see me. I've even spent time with Gale since the hijacking. Nobody took any precautions then!"

"You didn't try to kill any of those people, Peeta!"

"I wasn't programmed to kill any of those people with tracker jacker venom!" I said defensively.

"Exactly!" Dr. Aurelius stared at me, unwaveringly.

"Who came up with this plan for restraints and medications?" Delly asked him.

"I did, in conjunction with President Coin. She had to approve for Katniss to come to see you. She has to approve of almost everything Katniss does," He admitted.

"So she doesn't want me hurting her Mockingjay? Is that it? I don't want to hurt Katniss either. I'm the one who really cares about her, after all. I cared before anybody else did, when she was just a starving girl in the Seam."

Dr. Aurelius sighed.

"If you want to see Katniss then this is the way it has to be. For the record, I don't expect you to be violent in any way. I don't have control over what precautions are taken though." Dr. Aurelius admitted. "It's late, and Katniss has been at a wedding all day even though she's still recovering from surgery. We really don't have a lot of time for debate. Do you want to do this or not?"

I saw sympathy in Dr. Aurelius' brown eyes. He adjusted his glasses. Then he pushed his hands into the pockets of his white coat as he waited for my response.

"Fine." I said holding out my arm, "if you want to make me look like I'm still completely insane to her then do it. It won't help anyone tough."

One of the nurses took my arm in her hands and started looking for a place to put the IV. Her hands were so cold that they made me flinch. Another nurse began strapping a restraint to my opposite wrist. I fought the urge to slap it away. The other nurse patted me on the shoulder encouragingly.

Thirty minutes later I was sitting on my bed with 3 different restraints on each of my arms and an IV in one hand. Attached to the IV was a bag of fluid that had a powerful sedative mixed into it. Nobody cared that the sedatives didn't work most of the time or that the IV reminded me of being tortured with tracker jacker venom.

"I do look completely insane, don't I?" I asked Delly.

"Katniss will look past all this," Delly said quietly.

"I'm not sure that I can look past all this," I confessed as I pulled my arm closer to examine the heavy looking restraints.

"Do you want me to ask them to cancel the meeting?"

"No. I still want to see her."

Haymitch came to the door.

"Good luck," Delly said as she slipped past him to exit my room.

Suddenly, the door opened again, and Katniss appeared. The Mockingjay. The girl I loved. She was wearing an orange silky dress that must have been from the Capitol because I knew we didn't have anything like that at home.

I looked at her apprehensively having no idea what to say or what to do.

She crossed her arms, and my heart sank all the way to my feet.

_She's afraid of me._ I thought.

"Hey," she said cautiously.

"Hey," I replied.

Confusion was starting to capture my thinking. Being in her presence overwhelmed me on many different levels. Dr. Aurelius had been right to warn me. I should have waited longer to see her.

My head started to swim, and I was very glad that I was sitting down. In fact, I thought maybe I should lie down. With the restraints in the position they were that wasn't possible though.

"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me," she said.

I started to see her as she was in my nightmarish visions, the ones where she wanted to kill me.

I thought, _Here I am, tied up and unable to defend myself. She'll kill me_.

"Look at you for starters," I said.

I stared at her, refusing to be intimidated. I hoped she couldn't sense my fear. She killed as a hunter though so she probably could.

"You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?"

It was true. This girl from my horrible nightmares was slight. I could easily overpower her in a struggle for my life. Why was I so afraid of her? What power did she have over me? She was pretty, but she wasn't a face that would launch a thousand ships. At least, she wouldn't be able to do that based on her beauty. I understood from Delly that she was effective at motivating others to fight as the Mockingjay.

_Twelve years? Have I really spent twelve years watching this girl, hoping to be able to talk to her?_ I thought.

"Well, you've looked better," she said.

My pulse quickened. Blood rushed to my face as rage rose in my chest.

_How could Katniss say that to me after what I've been through? My childhood friend has been here for me, coaxing me back from nightmares and suicidal confusion episodes. Katniss? All she can do is insult me? Of course I've looked better! I've been tortured and starved. I've been in a mental hospital completely out of my mind._

"And [you're] not remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through," I added.

"Yeah, we've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me."

_How could she not at least acknowledge how I was tortured? She must know what happened to me. Delly said she watched part of the beating after the interview. She'd been informed of what hijacking was, surely! Was everyone lying to me? Had Katniss simply never care that I was captured and tortured?_

Katniss gave me a dismissive shake of her hand. "Look, I don't feel so well. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow."

_As Katniss turned away she shuffled her feet slightly, and I remembered that she was recovering from being shot. I wondered if she was in pain. Perhaps it was unfair of me to respond unfavorably to a statement like "We've all been through a lot." I recalled the day she shuffled out of our classroom at school, starving and ready to fall over. I'd cared then. I should care now. _

Katniss was already near the door though.

"Katniss." I said in a richer and more sympathetic tone, "I remember about the bread."

She stopped.

"They showed you the tape of me talking about it?"

"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it?" I asked, surprised. "Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?"

"I made it the day you were rescued…So what do you remember?"

"You. In the rain." I lowered my voice. What I was saying was private. I realized the doctors were listening and understood why they did, but this story was sacred to us. "Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out to the pig but giving it to you instead."

"That's it. That's what happened," she whispered. "The next day after school I wanted to thank you. But I didn't…know how."

"We were outside at the end of the day," I whispered in response. "I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then…for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion."

She nodded slowly.

I was awash with emotions that I could almost, but not quite, feel.

"I must have loved you a lot," I said.

Katniss' gray eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them back down.

"You did," she said. Then she started coughing and grabbed the middle of her body. It must have hurt her to cough.

"And did you love me?" I asked. I held my breath. She looked down at the floor.

"Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."

"That's not an answer," I said. "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In the first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill all of you," she admitted. "You had me treed."

"Later there is a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" I asked.

"Sometimes," she answered. "You know people are watching us now."

"I know. What about Gale?" I asked

Katniss looked up, fire in her eyes.

"He's not a bad kisser either," she snapped.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" I asked. I was sure that it would not be okay with me, but I wanted to hear her answer.

"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission," She shot daggers at me with those gray eyes.

_Isn't her usual weapon of choice a bow and arrow?_ I thought comically.

"Well, you're a real piece of work, aren't you?" I tilted my head to stare at her just as intensely as she stared at me.

She turned the handle and backed herself out of the room. This time, I didn't try to convince her to stay.

**[AN : I've been working really hard...publishing two chapters in 24 hours! Write me some reviews! I want to know what you think]**


	26. Rain

The IV bag swayed back and forth very slightly on its pole because of the force with which Katniss had slammed the door. I reminded myself repeatedly that the bag only contained a sedative and not any tracker jacker venom. That didn't work. Even as I stared down at the floor, the shadow of the IV bag rocked in exactly the same manner as the actual bag. My hand had that strange sensation of something being stuck in it, the IV. Closing my eyes didn't help as much as I thought it would. When I tried to put my hands over my face, I met the resistance of the restraints. I'd been restrained in the Capitol too, of course. I panicked.

_Why are they leaving me alone? _I thought._ Why are they leaving me tied up? _

I started to tremble and my eyes filled with warm tears.

_I'm safe. _I reassured myself. _I'm in district 13. Nobody is going to hurt me here. There's no tracker jacker venom. There will be no beatings. They won't kill or torture people in front of me. _

My efforts were not very effective. Unsure of how I could possibly feel better in such a humiliating situation, I tried to pull my legs up on the bed. The prosthetic one got tangled up in the sheet. Embarrassment continued to build because I couldn't even free my fake leg.

_I'm not even a human being. _I thought. _My mind doesn't work. My leg is fake. Communicating with people who matter to me is impossible. I'm an attempted murderer! I'll never be who I once was!_

Though I was about to completely lose it, I was unwilling to call for help. Katniss might still be outside. If the restraints, the IV medication bag, and my odd conversation with her hadn't convinced Katniss that I was still crazy; having an episode of confusion in front of her certainly would. Then again, maybe she needed to see what was really happening to me. Maybe that was the only way she would she really understand why I said what I'd said and why I'd tried to kill her. I shuddered at the thought of Katniss seeing me in the troughs of an episode though, especially since I'd heard Delly's descriptions.

I fought hard, but it was no use. That combination of the IV medication bag and the restraints was too great a reminder of the torture I'd experienced. The disastrous conversation with Katniss was too great stressor. As I became lost in my inner world again, I hoped that whatever I said and did in my confusion would not be upsetting anyone.

_The rain is relentless. I could watch it for hours because it's so different from any downpour I've ever seen. Despite the fact that I know it's dangerous to have this much rain during a spring that has already had record rainfall, I can't help enjoying the way the rain beats a rhythm on the roof and the windows. _

"_Has it ever been like this before…I mean that you remember?" I ask my brother._

_He's double knotting the laces of his boot. We're preparing to help Papa move the bakery's stocks of flour and other staples from the storage room in the basement to the upper level of the house. _

"_There was a landslide when I was seven," he says. "Nobody was killed, but quite a few houses were completely swept away. The Capitol never rebuilt them."_

"_What do you think will happen if the houses flood now and nobody can live in them?" I ask._

"_That depends on how coal production is affected," my brother says coolly. "Anything that impacts the Capitol in a negative way will make them want to help us. Otherwise, they won't care."_

_My brother grabs his coat. "Ready?" He asks me._

_I nod, and we venture out into the rain. My father is yelling. His eyes appear tired and worried, but they aren't angry. He's trying to tell us something, but I can't hear him. Then he points to the porch where Mama is struggling to drag a bag of flour. It's wrapped in plastic to help protect it. Unfortunately the basement has an entrance that is external to the bakery and house. So we have to take everything out into the rain to get it upstairs. I run to Mama and pick up the bag of flour. She nods and smiles._

_We spend the next few hours transporting bags of flour, spices, sugar, and anything else of any value from the basement storage room to my bedroom upstairs. As I'm about the collapse in exhaustion on my bed, I see out of the window that a group of people is walking through town in spite of the downpour._

"_What's going on?" I ask my brother while I point to them._

"_Oh, they are probably from the Seam," he says. "I bet the Peacekeepers are evacuating them. They will probably be staying in the school or maybe even the justice building. It'll be safer for them there. The Seam is lower ground and more prone to flooding."_

"_Will they evacuate all of them?" I ask. _

_My brother smiles, "Don't you mean 'will they evacuate Katniss?'" _

"_I'm not answering that," I say in the most annoyed sounding voice I can muster. "What will they do if the merchant district starts to flood?" I ask._

"_I guess there would be an evacuation of the whole district to higher ground, but I seriously doubt that the flooding will be that bad. The clean-up is going to make carrying those bags of flour up the stairs look easy though! It's going to be so gross! All that nasty, smelly mud! You have to stay out of it too because it breeds diseases!"_

_I wrinkle my nose, and he pinches my side to make me laugh._

_Just then we hear something bumping hard against the wall outside the room. My brother swings the door open, and we catch a glimpse of my father leading our pig down the hall! The pig is resisting, of course. It's squealing, pulling, and running into the wall. My father loses his balance and nearly falls. My mother is yelling._

"_Don't bring that pig in my house!"_

"_I won't have her drowning." My father argues, "It's just for the night! I'll put her in that box I have for her."_

"_She'll squeal all night; don't we have enough to worry about without a squealing pig in the house."_

_My brother starts laughing hysterically._

"_Someday I'm going to tell this story to my kids," he laughs. _

"_Papa, Graham and I can keep watch the first half of the night for flooding if you'll watch for the second. We can make absolutely certain that the pig pen doesn't start flooding if we check it often. Then if we need to bring her in, we can."_

_Papa looks at me, presses his lips together. Then he smiles a proud smile. _

"_That's a great idea, Peeta. What do you think, Mama?"_

_My mother is standing in the hall, her hands on her hips._

"_It sounds good to me if it gets that pig out of my house!" _

_My brother laughs again, "I think that's a 'yes, thank you, Peeta.'"_

_That night my brother and I keep watch while we play cards. There's a knock at the door around 2:00 am when the rain starts to slow. _

_My brother looks out the window cautiously, then smiles and opens the door._

"_Becki, Hey." His voice is gentle and happy._

_Becki walks just inside the door and wraps her arms around Graham's waist. He pulls her to him in an embrace. Their lips meet in a kiss that I can only describe as like the ones in a Capitol movie. _

_My eyes grow wider, and I try to suppress that I'm completely fascinated by what they are doing. Taking a step back I stumble over a chair. The noise startles Becki, and she looks at me as if she had no idea I was in the room until that moment._

"_Graham!" She says, obviously alarmed._

_My brother turns around. _

"_Oh, sorry Peeta." He says. _

_Becki chuckles. "What about me?" She slaps his arm with the back of her hand._

"_You're the one who came in here being so irresistible…I can only be blamed for forgetting my little brother was behind us. Who wouldn't forget?" My brother says leaning in close to her again. _

_He turns to me briefly, a delighted smile stretching widely across his face. "Peeta, I'm going to check on the pig and see if the storage room has any standing water. You stay here alright," he said. "Um, I may be a little bit. Is that okay with you?"_

"_Sure," I say. _

_Becki smiles at me._

"_Oh, Graham. Was that bad that Peeta…" I hear Becki whisper as they are leaving._

"_No, Peeta can keep a secret."_

_Indeed, I can keep a secret. I think._

_I pour myself a glass of water and listen to Becki giggle. The storage room is right under the bakery's kitchen, and the flooring is thin. Wondering what Graham could be doing to make Becki giggle like that is a little too much for my fourteen year old brain to handle, so I decide to wait for Papa in the front of the bakery._

_Soon I hear Papa's footsteps on the stairs._

"_The rain stopped," I tell Papa happily._

"_Yes, I think it has too. I'm going to check on the pig and the basement," Papa says._

"_Oh, that's all right, Papa. I can do it. You can just go back to bed. I'll stay up." _

"_No, I don't think I can go back to sleep until I check on everything myself. Where's your brother anyway?" _

_My father's feet move swiftly. I follow, ignoring the question about my brother's whereabouts. _

"_Papa, I'll check the storage room if you check on the pig. How's that?" I suggest, my pulse quickening. _

"_Why are you acting so weird, Peeta?" My father asks suspiciously. He winds around the bakery to the entrance of the basement. I can hear voices, and I know Papa can too because he turns to look at me. _

"_Who's down there?" Papa asks with a perplexed look that quickly morphs into a scowl. _

"_Graham is," I say. I try to say it loud enough for my brother to hear but not so loud that Papa can tell I'm trying to warn him._

_Just then Becki giggles. _

"_Graham, huh? I suppose Graham laughs like that?" _

_Papa pulls his keys out of his pocket and turns to unlock the basement. I bring my hand to my face, close my eyes, and shake my head. I'm not sure if I want to see and hear what's about to happen, but I'm unable to convince myself to leave._

_Papa walks in swiftly to investigate as soon as he has the door open, and I follow._

"_What in the world do you think you are doing?" I hear my father say loudly._

_My muscles stiffen and I take a step back from the sheer shock of hearing the angry tone he's using. Then I see Becki, her silhouette is visible in the dim light. It's clear she's only partially dressed and covering herself with the rest of her clothing. There's really nowhere for her to hide in the empty storage room. _

"_Papa…" my brother stammers as he rises to his feet._

_I can hear Becki start to sob, and I walk closer to her. She's a beautiful girl, and I can't help but notice the parts of her body that are uncovered. I've never seen a girl who wasn't totally dressed. Still, she's so upset that it feels wrong to look at her. I turn around right in front of her so I'm blocking everyone's view, including my own. _

_She seems to understand what I'm doing._

"_Thank you," she whispers through her sobs. I hear her move around and know she is probably getting dressed._

_Papa looks at me. _

_Seemingly talking through me he says, "Go home, Becki."_

"_I can't exactly go there, Mr. Melark…" She begins._

"_Then go wherever you are supposed to be. I need to talk to my son. If you need Peeta to walk you somewhere then he will," he adds._

_Looking presentable again, Becki slips past me. "My cousin's store is two doors down. That's where I'm staying. I'll be alright," Becki says. _

"_I'm so sorry," she whispers to my brother._

_My brother takes her hand._

"_Maybe it's better this way. They need to know," he answers._

_Becki leaves quickly after waving goodbye to me._

"_Papa, I can explain." My brother begins._

"_Oh, you don't need to explain the things you were doing. I think I can figure that out. What I can't figure out is why you are doing them with Becki instead of your fiancé!"_

_I gasp._

_Who's his fiancé? I ask myself. Why doesn't anybody tell me anything? _

"_Becki is my fiancé. I just haven't been able to tell any of you that," Graham admits._

"_What are you talking about? What about Susan?" My father inquires. He crosses his arms over his chest._

_I know who Susan is. I wonder if she's the one Papa is saying is my brother's fiancé. That would make sense. Mama has been pushing my brother to date her for years, and he spends time with her on occasion. Susan's the second daughter of the butcher._

"_Susan isn't exactly interested in me…or any…boys," my brother says in a progressively quiet voice. _

_My father sighs._

_My brother goes on explaining, "Susan and I are just friends. I didn't want to make anything harder for her, and I knew Mama would be furious if she thought I wasn't participating in this plan of hers for me to marry Susan. So Susan and I have been pretending. We don't want to get married. Becki and I do."_

_My father is staring at Graham with an intensity that makes me shiver._

_My brother continues, "Becki is great for me. She's warm, funny, and pretty. At school she's a hard-worker. I know she'll make a good wife. She'll be a good mother."_

_My father shifts his weight from one foot to the other at that last comment._

_And she's a little silly, I think. I have a crush on someone who rarely smiles though, so maybe I'm not the best judge!_

_My father sighs again. "She's penniless. She's from the Seam and has absolutely nothing," he points out._

"_I know," my brother replies slowly as he looks guiltily down at the floor. "Papa, I really love her. I have for a long time. It's not a passing feeling, it's very real. It's been hard to hide it for so long. We've had to be apart so much just to keep our secret. I don't know what came over us tonight."_

"_How long? How long has this been going on?" Papa asks._

"_Two years."_

_I see my father's jaw drop. Mine does too. I wonder how he could have kept such a secret for so long. Then again, avoiding Mama's wrath is very motivating. _

_The next morning I hear my Mama throwing things around the bakery. I go to sit at the top of the stairs._

"_Why, Graham? Why would you want to marry her? That's the worst thing you could do! She's not of your stature! You will bring down our reputation in the entire community! She knows nothing of how to run a business! In fact, she probably knows nothing about anything!"_

"_Mama, you don't know her. She's a good person."_

"_A good person? You think that's all she needs to be!" Mama yells._

"_No. She has four younger brothers. She takes good care of them. I know she loves her parents. She makes good grades at school. She makes me happy."_

"_I am sure she finds ways to make you happy!" Mama screams._

"_Now Marilyn, he's just telling you the truth. Happiness is important, after all. This girl may not bring any wealth into his life, but if he's able to teach her the business then she could be just as great an asset as another wife would be. She obviously has some skills in the way of running a household from being the oldest daughter in a big family," my father interjects calmly._

"_Peeta! I know you are up there. Just come downstairs and stop eavesdropping!" My mother yells. "You're always sneaking around!"_

_I freeze. How many other times has she known I was eavesdropping?_

_I slowly walk down the stairs._

"_This is my last son, Graham," Mama says as she puts her arm around me. "Your older brother chose to take up with his wife's family in their business. This town is still going to need a bakery though. It's either going to be you or Peeta that runs it. I suggest you seriously consider your choice of wife because I have a feeling your brother is going to seriously consider his after what he's just heard. He might just inherit what you should have if he makes better choices than you do!"_

_I shake my head and pull away from Mama._

"_No. Graham and I can run the bakery together. I wouldn't want to do it alone no matter what," I say._

"_Peeta it won't make enough money for both of you. Graham's poor choices are your gain. You should be quiet," my mother explains._

_I look at my brother and shake my head. _

_Mama's eyes show more fury than I've ever seen in them, "now you go tell that worthless girl that you can't marry her, Graham! You tell her right now! You tell her that you can never see her again! And you better pray that she's not pregnant!"_

"_Mama, we haven't…" _

"_Go tell her!" My mother screams._

_My brother stands up._

"_You know what! I am going to go tell her something! I'm going to tell her that the toasting will be in three weeks, right after graduation! I don't care if you are part of my life or not! I don't care if I own this bakery or not! I'm marrying Becki, and there's nothing you can do about it, Mama!" _

_Graham slams the backdoor as he leaves._

"_I guess that leaves just you, Peeta," Mama says as she turns to me. "Maybe you'll let me help you choose a girl who deserves to be a part of this family!"_

_I can't help but wonder what girl would want to be a part of this family._


	27. Secrets

Someone freed my hands and put them in my lap. Someone else loosened my prosthetic leg from the sheet. They tried to get me to lie down, but I pushed them away. Then I heard Delly's voice and felt her soft fingers pick up one of my hands.

"Peeta, lie down. You need to rest," she said firmly.

"Is she gone?" I managed to ask as Delly slowly guided me to lie down. Even in my confused state I remembered that I didn't want Katniss to see me like this.

"Yes. She left as soon as you stopped talking with her," Delly answered.

No matter how many times I experienced the crushing loss of Katniss Everdeen, I never became used to it. This was just another rejection from her, but the effect was profound. I'd sacrificed so much for her, and lost myself because I was tortured. She'd deserted me when I needed her most. As self-absorbed as I'd ever seen her, she didn't even intend to help me get better. I agreed that our situation was complicated, but I felt she was being unnecessarily cruel. She could at least acknowledge what I'd been through.

"It's never been even…ever," I whispered to Delly.

"Maybe it's time to let go," Delly said squeezing my hand tightly.

"I can't let go," I felt sick just thinking about how pathetic those words sounded.

"Then maybe it's time to just take a break from her," Delly suggested.

Take a break from Katniss? When had I ever been able to do that? I thought. She'd always been in the background at the very least. "Letting her go" felt like just another way of losing her. It was a loss I'd have to grieve, and I already had too many of those kinds of losses.

I fell back into the confusion, remembering people and places that didn't even exist anymore. Perhaps that's what I wanted on some level. Even though the episodes could be difficult, the pain of rejection in the present was greater than that in the past.

"_You were great. I was amazed," Madge says._

"_Not really, but thanks for saying that." _

_We're walking along the curved, dusty road from the school to Madge's house._

"_I've never seen you wrestle better, Peeta."_

"_Well, I was feeling confident today. That always helps." _

_I take Madge's hand in mine._

"_You should feel confident every day."_

_I laugh. "I don't know. Too much confidence is a little dangerous."_

_Madge takes a few steps to get ahead of me and stops, forcing me to stop as well. Her blue dress twirls around her as she turns to face me. I look down at how it falls beautifully from her small waist and comes to rest lightly on her hips again. _

_I know I should want to wrap my arms around her the way I've seen Graham wrap his arms around Becki. I do want that. It's just…_

"_Peeta, do you really like me or is all of this about our parents?" She asks._

"_I really like you," I say immediately. I take her hand and start walking again. Madge has never been truly hungry, but she is slender. It gives her a healthy glow that many other girls in District 12 lack. _

"_I want to show you something then," she says, pulling me to the side of the road. She motions for me to follow her down a small path. We walk a little further and get close to the woods near her house. Then Madge stops and opens a small wooden gate that's mostly concealed by vines and bushes. There are high stone walls all around the gate, and they're nearly as obscured as the gate is._

"_What is this place?" I ask._

"_It's just a garden that we never cultivate anymore," Madge says as she pushes the wooden gate ajar. "I don't think anyone has in a generation or more. I come here when I want to be alone."_

_The word "alone" rings in my head. _

_Does that mean she wants to be "alone" with me? I wonder. _

_Madge is struggling to get the gate completely open, and I reach down to help her. Her soft hands graze mine. It's different than holding her hand. Together we manage to push the gate open and walk inside._

"_Nobody knows about this place, not even Delly," she adds._

"_Are you sure because Delly can find out about anything?"_

_Madge laughs._

"_I'm sure."_

_The garden is filled with various kinds of wild flowering plants and grasses. There's evidence that it was once beautifully maintained. There is a dilapidated fountain and several flower beds._

_Madge stands in front of me, her blue dress picking up the color of her deeply blue eyes. It is premature, but I wonder what our children will look like. Isn't that the reason for all this, to find someone with whom to share your life and build a family? Mama certainly views it that way. _

"_You're bright and popular, Peeta. You can probably have any girl you want. Why not go for the best?"_

_Mama determines who is "best," and she chose Madge. Madge has lived as privileged a life as any kid my age though, and with me she might need to help run a bakery. I have doubts about how practical that might be. My mother is not concerned about it at all which makes me wonder if she is more concerned with appearances than practicality. Maybe she plans to have me marry Madge only to turn the bakery back over to Graham. Who knows? My mother definitely thinks that if I marry well I'll somehow redeem our family's reputation._

"_If you can marry the mayor's daughter then that might make up for what your brother did to us," were her exact words._

_Graham still works in the bakery even though he's married to Becki. My father and I like Becki very much. My brother brings Becki to the bakery to learn the business when my mother isn't there. Becki really is a hard worker, and she wants to learn. She isn't great at the more artistic tasks like decorating, but she is very organized and productive. My mother misjudged her which is really no surprise. _

_My hope is that if Madge does marry me, we'll have enough money for Graham and me to run the bakery together. It isn't a very romantic way to choose a girlfriend or wife, but concerns about romance faded when I saw my family fall further apart. I'd already lost one brother, and I was not going to lose two. I wanted to keep my family together, and I wanted my mother to finally be happy. Marrying someone in a less than ideal way was worth that._

_So as Madge stands in front of me in this wild garden I wonder, what does she expect of me? I know I can't ruin this. I have to make myself love her, and I have to make her love me._

_I close my eyes and put my arms around Madge's small waist. Madge lifts her arms and wraps them around my neck. It's very pleasant, but I wonder if that's because I'm touching her specifically or because I'm touching a girl. Then she rests the side of her head against my chest which causes her to press against me. She's quite a few inches shorter than me so I gently kiss the top of her head and notice how her hair smells like roses._

_She sighs and says in a voice that makes me know she's smiling. "This feels so good."_

"_It feels good to me too," I whisper. I move my open hands to the small of her back. _

_Still holding her, I look around the old garden. _

"_I can't believe you shared this place with me and even Delly doesn't know about it. That's really sweet." I say._

"_Of course, I want you to know all my secrets, and I want to know yours too." _

_I'm taken aback by her statement. I know about my secrets, but what secrets could she possibly have?_

"_Oh, I don't have any secrets," I lie. _

"_Peeta, everybody has secrets," she says in a tone that sends a shiver down my spine. Something tells me she really is going to want to know things about me that I'd rather not discuss. What would she say if she knew my secrets? Would she reject me?_

"_So what's one of yours, besides this garden?"_

"_My mother uses too much pain medicine," she says quietly. The whole sentence seems like one word because she says it so fast._

_I can't see her because her face is still against my chest, but she starts trembling in my arms. _

"_But she has headaches, right?" _

_I can hear Madge's voice crack as she tries to answer. Suddenly, all I want to do is make her feel better. I feel protective of her. Is that what love is?_

"_Here, let's sit down," I tell her as I help her get situated on the ground. Then I sit beside her and put my arm around her back. I focus on her eyes, wanting her to know that I will always listen to her. _

"_But sometimes she takes so much that she can't even stay awake, or she falls," Madge admits. "It's hard to watch."_

_I pause and run my hand up and down Madge's back._

"_I'm sorry that you have to watch it," I finally say._

"_I think she does it mostly when she's thinking of my aunt. It always gets worse around the Hunger Games because my Aunt died in one of them."_

_I nod. _

"_Sometimes my mother tries to stop misusing the pain medicine," she continues. "I think someday she probably will stop because she tries really hard. I just wish there was something I could do."_

_I nod again, my hand getting lower on her back because for some reason that feels good to me._

"_If she is trying then that's good," I say. "Maybe we could find out about how to help her."_

"_Maybe," she says thoughtfully. _

_Then she gently says, "Your turn."_

"_I told you, I don't have any secrets," I say._

"_You're just shy. That or you don't trust me."_

_I realize that I've stopped rubbing her back and start again. I don't want her to think what she's saying makes me uncomfortable even though it does._

"_I trust you. Why would I not trust you? I've known you my whole life."_

"_Then tell me a secret. It's not fair for me to bare my soul to you and you stay so quiet."_

_What's the harm really, I think. I do care about Madge. She's a life-long friend at the very least. She may become my wife in a couple of years. Besides, Delly's probably already told her some of my "secrets." Telling her most likely won't give her any new information, but it will make her feel special to me._

"_I think people should be really kind to their children, like my father is," I begin._

"_I agree with you, Peeta. That's not really a secret though."_

"_It is." I hesitate for a moment and then completely change my mind about telling Madge how my mother has abused me all these years. _

"_Actually, I guess it's not." I say, "My mother had a miscarriage when I was little though. I thought she was dying. All of us did. I stayed out of school just to stay with her. She let me hold her hand."_

"_What do you mean she let you?" Madge asked._

"_She's not one to touch other people much," I explain. "I liked holding her hand."_

"_That's kind of sad, Peeta." _

"_Maybe, but it's a secret. I've never told anyone that before."_

_I guess she doesn't know much about my mother. I think. I'm glad I didn't tell her about the time Mama hit me in the head so many times._

"_I'm only telling you because I think you might be someone special to me someday," I say cautiously. _

"_Or now…" she says smiling._

"_Now too," I confirm._

"_You know that's what they want, right?" She asks. "All of them want it."_

_Clearly she's talking about our parents wanting us to marry when we are old enough._

"_I know."_

"_Do you think it would work? I mean, would we be happy?" She asks. _

"_Well, that depends. Do you like to bake?" I ask laughing. _

"_Um, I don't know. Teach me," she replies with a smile._

"_That can be arranged, Madge."_

_Madge leans over and kisses my cheek, and when she does I catch her head in my free hand._

_She closes her eyes as if she knows what's coming, and I kiss her lips gently. She melts against the hand that's been on her back all this time. I realize that she's wrapped in my arms, and it feels very natural. Her lips are soft and smooth. I find that I can't stop kissing her as long as she's willing to keep kissing me. I simply stop long enough to take a breath. _

_I have to stop, I think. We're too isolated. We should stop. But my mother approves of her. I should just follow Madge's lead. She's pretty, smart, and most importantly…not Katniss. My mother would never approve of Katniss._

_It's the thought of Katniss that makes me pull away. I don't even want to pull away._

"_What did I do wrong?" Madge asks after a brief pause._

"_Nothing," I say._

"_Nothing?" She sounds sad and disappointed. It's too late to fix that though._

"_I don't want to…be disrespectful of you. I thought I should make sure you were comfortable with what was happening."_

"_I like kissing you, Peeta. I was comfortable with it," she clarifies._

"_I'll remember that next time," I say. "I'm sorry if I stopped too soon."_

_We sit quietly with our arms still around each other for a few minutes, unable to revive the moment. She rests her head on my shoulder._

"_Have you ever kissed anyone else, Madge?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Did you like it?"_

"_Yes, but not as much as I like kissing you. You're better," she giggles. "You must have more experience at kissing."_

_Maybe all girls giggle. Becki sure does. Even now that she's married, she does._

"_No, that is certainly not it! I'm pretty sure about that," I say._

"_So have you ever kissed anyone else, Peeta?"_

"_Yes." I say. Suddenly I'm laughing so hard that it disturbs Madge's head from where it rests on my shoulder._

"_What's so funny?" _

"_It was Delly."_

_Madge laughs too._

"_Oh, my. That just doesn't even sound right."_

"_It wasn't! Delly really is like a sister to me. It was very weird."_

"_So it was not like kissing me?"_

"_No, not at all."_

_We hear a noise, possibly twigs breaking. I think of Graham and worry that Madge and I are about to be caught in this garden all alone. At least we have all of our clothes on though. And I'm not supposedly engaged to somebody else._

_Madge's eyes grow wide. She goes to the edge of the garden and peaks through the slats of the wooden gate._

"_It's a doe," she says as she plops back down on the ground. "We should get going in a few minutes though. My family will be wondering where I am."_

"_Madge, I really do like you and I'm so glad you brought me here. This isn't about our families. I promise," I say reassuringly._

"_Good, because I like you too."_

_[AN: Are you surprised about Peeta and Madge? Ha, ha, ha. There's nothing like a good surprise. I was surprised when this chapter came to mind. Let me know what you think of him "trying to fall in love with her." I did want to tell you that I'm going on vacation, and I'm not sure how often I'll be able to publish. If you see that I haven't then please don't think I've given up on the story. I haven't! It will be completed. I do not abandon stories. Thanks for reading and reviewing – keep doing it]_


	28. Who I've Loved

**[This chapter begins as a continuation of the "episode" in the previous chapter – where Peeta is remembering his relationship with Madge; The next chapter will be revisiting Peeta's visit with Katiniss]**

_It's Madge's birthday. As I'm putting more bread in the oven, I hear her knock on the back door of the bakery._

"_Hey, how's your day been so far?" I ask Madge cheerfully as I swing the door open._

"_Good. My father left this morning for the Capitol. I had breakfast with him. My Mother is in bed with a headache though."_

"_That's too bad. Will she be able to come to your party?" I ask picking up an apron for Madge._

"_Maybe. It's alright if she can't. You'll be there, and all my friends are coming."_

_I smile. She's mentioned me first and separately from her friends!_

"_Here," I show her the apron and put it over her head. As I wrap the ties around her waist I pull her close to me and brush my lips against hers. Her eyelids flutter closed. _

"_Happy Birthday," I whisper._

_While I tie the apron at her back I kiss her the way I've seen Graham kiss Becki. Madge makes a surprised little noise. It sounds like a happy one, so I keep kissing her. I'm confident that nobody in my family will be displeased if they walk in on us kissing. Madge melts into my arms as she usually does, and I pull her in even closer to me. She feels so good, and I pause to take in a deep breath just to contain my emotions._

_By now I know that I respond to Madge not just because she's a girl but because she's Madge. I'm certainly attracted to her, and I like her as a person. Sometimes I even think I am already in love with her. Kissing her is intoxicating enough, but my mind often starts to imagine doing more than kissing her. I asked Graham about that once. He told me not to worry about it. _

"_That just means you're normal," he said._

"_Really? Because it feels overwhelming, and I don't really know what to do when being with her makes me feel like that."_

"_That's normal too," he said laughing. It offended me that I'd asked for his advice, and he was laughing._

"_What's so funny?"_

"_I don't know. My noble little brother having fantasies about his girlfriend is a little funny to me. Just don't try making any of them a reality in the basement storeroom, all right?"_

"_No, I won't be doing that!" I had to laugh too. "What do I do though? I don't want her to think I'm unhappy with her, but I have to stop sometimes because it's just too much to handle."_

"_Just tell her that. Tell her that she looks so beautiful and feels so wonderful that you get overwhelmed sometimes and have to stop kissing her."_

"_Really? You think I should tell her that?"_

"_It's the truth, and it will make her feel really good about herself."_

_Amazingly, I did tell Madge just that, and when I did she smiled proudly and kissed my cheek. _

_So when I give Madge a slight squeeze at her shoulders on her birthday because I'm completely overwhelmed, she smiles at me lovingly and turns towards the cake. _

"_I don't think anyone has ever helped to decorate their own birthday cake here," I tell her quietly as I regain my composure._

"_Don't you help decorate yours? You said you're the one who likes to decorate cakes."_

"_Birthday cakes are kind of for paying customers, Madge."_

"_You mean you don't get one?" She asks with surprise._

"_No, but sometimes I get a cupcake." I smile, but she still appears shocked._

"_Would you make a birthday cake for your own child?" She asks._

_It would seem like an odd question if it weren't in the context of a relationship like ours._

"_Yes, if I could afford it then I definitely would."_

"_And can your family afford it?"_

"_Most of the time they can."_

"_Then why don't they make sure you have a birthday cake or at least make sure you always get that cupcake?" She asks. It's a legitimate question, but it's one I can't answer. Whether I get a cupcake has always had less to do with whether we can afford to spare one and more to do with how compliant I've been with my mother's incredibly high expectations of me._

"_They just don't." I shrug._

"_So, let's start frosting," I say nervously._

"_Why don't you ever give me an honest answer about anything that makes you uncomfortable, Peeta?" _

"_I do."_

"_No, you don't. You shut down. It's as if you don't want to share what's most important to you with me."_

"_I'm sharing frosting cakes with you. Believe it or not, that's very important to me," I say. My attempt to lighten the mood falls flat though._

"_You know what I mean," she says. Her hands find her hips, and she stares at me with all the intensity that her deep blue eyes can demonstrate. _

"_I guess my parents think that unless you know you can always provide a birthday cake for all of your children every year then you shouldn't create expectations."_

"_And what do you think?"_

_I think she should stop interrogating me! Of course, I can't say that. It's as if she knows there is something terribly wrong with my family, and she's determined to find out what it is. I want to take my time and let her get to know my father and brother better before she has to learn about the problems with my mother. Madge keeps pushing though, never being satisfied with any explanation for what seems strange to her. Most of my explanations are half-truths though, so maybe she has a point. _

"_I think they do the best they can," I say turning towards the cake._

"_No they don't, Peeta."_

_I put the frosting tube down and sit on a nearby stool because I suddenly feel nauseous. I can almost feel the humiliation that I know is coming._

"_I guess that's a matter of opinion," I say. "I just want to decorate your birthday cake. Can't we just be happy?"_

"_I am happy, but I worry about you."_

"_Why? I'm fine. I'm happy too."_

"_No, you are tortured. You act like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and I don't even know why."_

"_Well, I have to learn to run a business, go to school, and make my girlfriend happy…"_

"_Stop it! You know what I mean. What's going on with you?" She asks._

"_I…I can't talk about all this on your birthday," I tell her shyly._

"_It is my birthday, so why don't you give me the gift of your honesty? Let me help you. That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life if I become your wife. You'll be doing the same for me, I hope. So we have to start sometime. And if we can't start helping each other then we probably shouldn't be together."_

_She's saying I'm ruining everything! She's implying that I'm not what she needs me to be! What am I doing wrong? I try to make her feel special. I really care about her. Her happiness matters so much to me._

"_I can't do this right now. I can't do it in the middle of the bakery, and I don't want to ruin your birthday."_

_Madge unties the apron that I'd just tied around her with kisses and caresses. She tosses it to me._

"_Then I'll see you at the party, I guess." _

_Helpless, I watch as she storms out the back door._

_My brother is walking into the kitchen, just as I'm watching Madge leave. I debate whether or not to stop her but decide not to try. She'll simply resume the questions if I do._

"_You want me to frost this cake for you?" Graham says sympathetically._

"_No, I'll do it. Decorating her cake might make me feel better. I suppose you heard that conversation?"_

"_Yeah." _

"_Do I seem 'tortured' to you, Graham?"_

"_Sometimes."_

_I roll my eyes._

"_Just tell her everything that's bothering you, Peeta. She's right. You should be honest with her. She obviously wants to be supportive of you. Start with whatever is easiest to tell her."_

"_I can't. She won't like me anymore if she knows more about me. It'll make me look weak." _

"_That sounds like Mama talking, Peeta. I used to talk to Becki about things that were happening at home. She helped me feel better, and she understood me better because I talked to her like that."_

_I turn around to frost the cake, but my brother interrupts me._

"_Hey, before you start that will you help me move some boxes up from the storage room?"_

"_Sure," I say with a sigh as I follow him out of the bakery. "Madge seems to be determined to figure out what's wrong with us…what's wrong with me," I tell him._

"_There's nothing wrong with you, Peeta. You just let Mama control you. If you'd stop doing that then you'd be happier. Standing up to her is the best thing I ever did. For heaven sakes, Peeta, she's choosing your future wife for you! And the worst part is she's choosing her based on money and prestige! And you're allowing her to do it. You're just lucky it's Madge and not somebody you can't stand."_

_We're rounding the corner of the bakery as I start to respond to his comments._

"_Even without Mama's opinions, Madge is…"_

_Then I run right into Madge, her mouth wide open with shock._

_She gives me a slight shove._

"_How could you? I asked you! You're a liar, Peeta Mellark! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to trust anybody? How hard it is for me to know if anybody cares about me for who I am rather than what I have? And I trusted you! You act so sweet, but you're not sweet. You're just a very good actor."_

"_Madge, it's not like that."_

"_Then what's it like, Peeta?"_

"_Maybe I should go," my brother says. _

"_Yeah, maybe you should," I tell him angrily. _

_As my brother slinks away, I turn my attention back to Madge. Her hands are on her hips again._

"_I was about to explain to my brother that I really do care about you, Madge. I care about you more than ever. Even without my mother's opinions, I would feel the same way."_

"_Of course you were, Peeta. That's very convenient."_

"_No, that's the truth! My mother wanted me to consider dating you, but I really liked you too. I like you even more now."_

"_And if I was a girl in the Seam, what would have happened then?" She asks._

_A girl in the Seam? Like Katniss? Does she know about Katniss?l_

"_I don't know. My mother probably wouldn't have told me to consider dating you."_

"_Do you do everything your mother says, Peeta?"_

"_Not everything," I say quietly. Realizing how pathetic that last statement makes me sound, I try to explain, "You don't know her. She's…she's."_

"_She's what?"_

"_Maybe Delly could explain it to you better," I suggest desperately._

"_Delly? Delly knows whatever it is that you can't tell me?"_

"_Only because she was around more when I was a little kid."_

_Madge's face is red with anger. She crosses her arms, "Peeta, I'm going to ask you one last time to be honest with me. Please, do it."_

_I looked down at my feet and thought about how I'd feel if I let Madge into my inner world. She'd know my hopes, dreams, and fears. Right now, she wanted to know my fears. What would be so bad about that? After all, I thought I'd been successful in falling in love with her. She might love me too by now; otherwise, why would she care so much? _

_I brush some flour off my apron just to give my hands something to do._

_Still looking down I told her, "My mother used to hit me when I was little. Most of the time it wasn't that bad, but a few times it was very bad. She scared me, and I learned to do what she said."_

"_And you're still doing what she says?"_

_I looked up at her. Madge still seemed angry. Why didn't she understand?_

"_I have to do what she says, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. I think you are beautiful, smart, kind…"_

"_And rich? And from a powerful family?" She adds._

_My heart starts racing. I can't let her think I only care about her because of money, my mother, and the fact that her father is the mayor! _

"_I just want to love you, and I want you to love me back," I say gently. _

_I blink back a few tears, but I don't think she sees them._

"_Wanting to love me isn't enough, Peeta." I can see tears welling up in her eyes too._

"_I'm sorry. I'll try harder," I whisper._

"_No," she says as she reaches out and touches my cheek. I can't hold back the tears anymore when she touches me, but she's crying as well. I don't feel embarrassed. I think that the tears might show her how much I really do care about her._

"_That's all right, Peeta. I think you've tried hard enough. You shouldn't have to keep trying. You should find someone that you don't have to try so hard to love."_

"_That's not what I meant!" _

"_Yes, it is."_

_/_

The room was dark when I came out of the episode. I felt sleepy, but I couldn't sleep like I usually did.

I thought about my brother, Becki, Mama, and Papa. They were all gone now.

"Madge is dead, isn't she?" I asked Delly when I finally felt able to speak coherently.

"I think so, Peeta. She's not here in District 13."

"You said her name quite a few times," Delly said.

"Yeah, I bet I did."

"You were remembering something about her?  
"Yes," I confirmed.

"Was it happy?"

"Happy and then incredibly sad…sort of like our entire relationship," I answered.

"Did you love Madge, Peeta?"

I sighed.

"Now is probably not a good time for me to say who I've loved and who I haven't loved" I admitted.

"Do you think she loved me?" I finally asked.

"I know she did," Delly said without hesitation.

I took in a deep breath and tried not to think about what Delly had just said. Why was Delly so sure? Delly didn't leave me wondering.

"After you and Katniss left for the Capitol she was so upset. She apparently cried for hours. Her mother asked me to come over and talk to her. It didn't help that she was kind of friends with Katniss. Madge thought she might lose two people to the games, and she knew what losing her aunt had done to her mother. She was scared for you, for Katniss, and for herself."

"That makes sense," I said.

"She told me she still loved you and she couldn't bear the thought of watching you die. Frankly, I couldn't either. So we both cried. Then Madge asked me about your mother. What she wanted to know most was how your mother treated you when you were little, and she told me that you'd given your permission for her to ask me. She looked so sincere, so I told her what I knew."

"Yes, I did tell her she could do that. It made her mad at the time, but I'm glad she finally talked to you about it. I would never have been able to tell her more than I already had."

Delly nodded.

"What really helped her understand was when I told her about your mother hurting you so badly that you were stuck in bed for a couple of weeks. She remembered that you missed school, but she was completely shocked that your mother had anything to do with it. Remember how your brother told everyone you fell off a ladder?

"Yeah, I remember. That was the time Graham had to pull her away from me because she was hitting me in the head over and over. It just makes me sick to think about it. What kind of person does that?"

"Peeta, Madge clearly had no idea how abusive your mother was. When I explained some of that, it helped her understand why you were so intimidated by your mother even when you got older. I know Madge talked to Graham around the same time she talked to me, but I don't know why she talked to him. Maybe it was…"

"Delly," I interrupted. "I'm the kind of person that does that. Since the hijacking, I'm just like my mother. I can't control myself. I tried to choke Katniss. Somebody had to pull me off of her to keep me from killing her. I scratched your arms. Nobody trusts me to leave this room, and sometimes they don't trust me to have my hands and legs free. I can't live with being like my mother!"

Delly seemed to realize how awful a thought that was to me. She stood up and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

"You are nothing like your mother, Peeta. I promise."


	29. The Truth

Johanna tossed an orange at me as she entered my room.

"I'm here to make sure you don't get scurvy."

I immediately started laughing.

"Is this one half rotten?"

"Nope. I don't know how these 13ers came up with an orange, but I thinking that the Mockingjay must have some powerful methods of persuasion."

Peeling the orange I asked, "You asked Katniss to get this?"

"Yeah, but I didn't tell her that it was for you. I heard your meeting with my roomy didn't go so well."

"Katniss is your roommate?"

"Yeah, I've really moved up from being yours." Johanna sat down in the chair facing me.

"Where do you live? I haven't been out of this room at all that I remember."

"This place is full of boring claustrophobic compartments, and we've been assigned to one of them. It isn't much, but it's home. This whole underground world is a little strange for people like Katniss and me who like the woods."

"You and Katniss sound like you're best friends now," I said smiling.

"She's all right. My nickname for her is 'brain-less' though. I'm not sure if that predicts a positive future for our friendship."

"You call her that to her face?" I ask laughing.

"Yeah."

"And she lets you?"

"What do you mean she lets me? I could still take her, especially with her ribs still messed up."

Johanna was doing a good job of making me laugh until she mentioned Katniss' injuries. That's when I felt like I'd been socked in the stomach. Why did any pain for Katniss result in such grief for me? Was empathizing to that degree mutual in our relationship or was I the only one who experienced it?

"Is she doing okay?"

"Physically she's mending. She's still a mess otherwise. Based on what I've heard, that's nothing new."

"What about Gale," I asked cautiously.

"He's not around as much as you might think. He and Beetee spend most of their time in the weapons lab. Gale has all those siblings and his mother. He spends time with them too."

"So Katniss and Gale aren't together?"

"If they are, I don't know about it." Johanna answered.

"I did want to tell you something that Katniss told me," Johanna began.

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She said that she never would have gotten through your victory tour if she hadn't been sleeping with you," Johanna said with a wry smile.

I choked on the piece of orange that I was trying to swallow and coughed so hard that Johanna finally stood up and hit me between the shoulder blades. I couldn't help but notice that she's stronger than she looks. No wonder that she's a victor.

When Johanna realized that I wasn't suffocating, she started laughing again.

"Katniss said you two 'slept together but you didn't sleep together,'" Johanna added.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you? I asked her.

"A little bit. You are both goody-goodies about everything. It's so cute." Johanna wrinkled her nose and pinched my cheek.

"Except that we've both killed people," I murmured. "But getting back to the topic at hand, what the heck does 'slept together but didn't sleep together' mean? After what you just put me through I certainly hope that you know."

"Oh, I know. She had to explain. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Katniss said that on the train you slept in the same bed because you both had nightmares. She'd be screaming or crying, and you'd help her calm down. You'd wake up shaking like a leaf and be soothed by the fact that she was right beside you. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing happened back home in District 12 either based on what she told me. Apparently you did spend quite a bit of time together though. It had something to do with Katniss hurting her ankle and you keeping her company. It all made you sound so sweet, Mellark."

Johanna pretended to gag and then she smiled.

"I don't know how Katniss would feel about you telling me all that, but I'm glad you did."

"I knew that it would take forever for you two to finally discuss it, if you ever did. I decided that you needed to know. So Katniss and I had a little girl talk. I think it was therapeutic for Katniss too."

"Thanks, Johanna. It means a lot to me to know that. Delly found the video of the beach. At first Delly just described it to me, but later I was able to watch it. I don't know what it felt like, but I can see what happened and hear what we said. Katniss and I kissed and talked mostly. I gave her a locket and a pearl. I could tell we were close at the time, just like you said."

"Hmm. A locket and a pearl? I think she has those in our compartment. They seem to be important to her. Katniss might even be carrying that pearl around. I'm not sure."

I felt a surge of hope. Why I felt that way mystified me. My meeting with Katniss had failed so miserably that I couldn't imagine that we could ever even be friends again.

Johanna continued, "Katniss has lost so much that it's hard to figure out exactly what she's grieving over sometimes. I know she misses you though. When she came home the night after seeing you she flopped onto the bed and cried for an hour.

She probably thought the crying was quiet enough that I couldn't hear it, but it wasn't. Katniss didn't even bother to change out of the dress she'd worn to the wedding. In the morning she was lying there, twisted up in that fancy dress and the sheets. Her make-up was smeared everywhere. She looked small and helpless, not at all the way I'm used to seeing Katniss."

/

That afternoon Dr. Aurelius sat across from me in the aluminum chair with his electronic clipboard.

"Peeta, how are you doing today?" He asked.

I was a little surprised. During my time in the hospital, I was rarely interviewed by the doctors. Maybe I'd been too sick.

"Fine."

"So you aren't having any flashbacks, hallucinations, visions, or overwhelming memories?"

"No," I answered very cautiously.

"Are you having any thoughts of hurting or trying to kill yourself?"

"No."

Aurelius furiously scribbled notes while I wondered what he intended to do with them.

"Well, you talk about it sometimes during the confusion episodes. You know that, right?" Dr. Aurelius clarified, looking at me over his wire rimmed glasses.

"Delly told me that. I don't remember most of it."

"So you don't wish to be dead?" He asked.

"No, not lately."

"Are you having any thoughts of hurting or killing anyone else?"

"No."

"So you're not having any thoughts of hurting or killing Katniss Everdeen?" He looked me in the eyes as if this was the most important question he'd asked so far.

"No"

"Do you think she's a mutt created by the Capitol?"

"No."

"Do you think she tried to kill you?"

"Unless you count the tracker jacker nest incident, no. I understand that she was trying to get down from that tree alive. She was doing what she thought she had to do. Plus, she didn't understand my motives at the time."

"Do you think she tried to hurt you?"

I had to laugh.

"Is that funny?" Dr. Aurelius asked as he looked up from his clipboard.

"Katniss is kind of oblivious to my feelings, Dr. Aurelius. So, she may not try to hurt me, but she hurts me on a very regular basis. I don't think she's ever _tried _to hurt me physically though. She's probably never_ tried_ to hurt me in any way. She's a good person, but empathy isn't one of her strengths. Maybe she's spent too much time just trying to survive"

"Oh," he said. "That description is certainly different than what you thought about her when you came to District 13. It's much more realistic. So how do you feel about your visit with Miss Everdeen?"

"Terrible," I admitted. "You were right. I saw her too soon. I couldn't stay focused. I made statements that were not kind. Then she was cold. It was not what I'd hoped it would be."

"Would you say you're in love with her?"

The question surprised me. None of the doctors had asked anything like that before.

"Probably. I'm frustrated with her though."

Would you say you're obsessed with her?

"I don't know how to answer that. I hope not. I'd like to think it's always been love rather than obsession," I said.

"How much do you think about Miss Everdeen.?"

"You mean when I'm not completely out of my mind?" I asked smiling.

"I'll re-phrase it. Of the time you are conscious of your waking thoughts, how much do you think about her?"

It was a serious question, and it deserved an honest answer. So I told him the truth. "I worry about her. I'm not naïve enough to believe that Katniss isn't a target or that Coin can truly protect her. If something happened to her…I would want her to know that I still love her. Being unable to communicate anything like that is why I think our meeting was a total failure. I think about that...often."

"Maybe you could write how you feel in a letter," he suggested. "Just writing it would probably help you."

A letter? I thought. Why haven't I considered that before?


	30. Being Man Enough

Dr. Aurelius gave me an electronic clipboard for writing the letter, but I returned it. I asked the nurse for some un-lined paper and a black pen instead. My own handwriting on paper conveyed more meaning, in my opinion. It was a little like painting to me. So I began.

"Dear Katniss, I wanted you to know how sorry I am about what happened when I was brought to District 13."

No, that's not right, I thought. It's what I did, not what happened. I did it! I looked into her eyes and tried to I choke the life out of her while she attempted to call my name. I could feel that I loved her while I did it. What kind of monster does something like that?

I began again.

"Dear Katniss, I wanted you to know how sorry I am about what I did when I was rescued and came to District 13. Although there's no excuse for what I did, I now understand that my actions were based on false beliefs about you that were the result of the hijacking of my mind. I am slowly getting better though. Maybe sometime we could talk again…"

Uh! That just sounds so pathetic, I thought. It's like I'm begging for her to come and visit me!

I tore up the paper and pulled out a blank sheet to replace it. I rewrote the entire previous letter except the part about Katniss visiting me again. Then I added more of my thoughts.

"I have been amazed at your role as the Mockingjay. Although I completely support what you're doing if you believe in it, I worry about your safety. I wanted you to know that I care…"

I stopped again, wondering how I could ever explain my worries regarding Katniss with mere words. The Capitol was capable of unimaginable cruelties. Unfortunately, I had witnessed some of them. What would they do to Katniss if she were ever captured? I pushed thoughts of Katniss screaming from the agony of torture out of my mind.

Unable to think coherent thoughts anymore, I laid my head down on the metal desk. The coolness of the metal soothed my head, but my thoughts were already adrift. The letter, the pen, and the hospital faded away. I was home. There was the smell of nut bread and the feel of the crisp mountain air. For a brief moment I was happy, and then I realized what was happening.

"_How could you wreck this opportunity? How selfish can you possibly be, Peeta? Why don't you think about your family instead of yourself?" Mama asks furiously._

_I'm sitting on a stool near the oven. Graham is standing against the opposite wall looking sad and guilty. He chose to stay rather than go home though. Whether he stayed out of guilt or in an attempt to protect me, I don't know. Papa will be gone for an hour more at least._

"_I'm sorry, Mama," I tell her. "This is not what I wanted." My voice cracks. She's probably noticed my red and swollen eyes already. I can't cry in front her!_

"_And then you cry like a baby about it! What kind of man are you, crying like that?" She continues._

_Of course, I'm not quite a man yet. I am still in high school, and I'm not old enough to marry even in District 12. Still, my mother expects me to be an over-achiever in every area of my life. That includes growing up faster than everyone else._

_I close my eyes, bearing the full effects of my own mother belittling me. _

_No more talking, I think. If I say another word I know I'll cry, and that will give her more ammunition to use in demeaning me._

"_Tell me what happened!" Mama commands as she slaps her hands on the countertop in front of her. _

_I jump at the noise and feel the flour stirred up into the air falling on me. I don't answer Mama's question and keep my eyes closed. Clutching the wooden seat of the stool underneath me settles my nerves, but the reprieve is short-lived. _

"_Answer me!" Mama screams. "Peeta! What did you do wrong? Did you cry in front of her and squeeze your eyes closed because you were afraid? Were you not enough of a man for her?"_

_The words cut like knives. My hands shake where they hold the seat of the stool. My breathing is too fast, but I can't slow it down._

_I hear my mother take a few shuffling steps towards me. _

_Surely she wouldn't hit me, I think. I'm four inches taller than her and much stronger._

"_Mama," I hear Graham say quietly, "Please leave him alone. He's had a really bad day, and you've already made your opinions very clear."_

_I hear a few more shuffling steps and stiffen every muscle in my body. Old habits are hard to break. I open my eyes to find that my mother is standing right in front of me. I decide that the distraction of having to look her in the eyes will keep me from crying._

"_You don't understand," I whisper. "She liked me. In fact, we liked each other. We even liked the idea that we might get married when we were old enough. Everything was going well. It was only when she thought that I was interested in her only because of money and power that she stopped wanting to be my girlfriend."_

"_And who gave her an idea like that? That a sweet boy like you would be interested in only money and power?" Mama asks the question with a mocking tone, emphasizing the part about me being a sweet boy._

_I look over at Graham, and he moves his hand in a rolling manner to signal me to tell her the truth_ _regardless of how angry Mama will be towards him. Graham can go home, after all. I have to live with her._

_Before I can say anything though, I feel the sting of a slap across my face. Touching my face in disbelief, I jump up from the stool. An incredible urge to shove my mother across the room overtakes me, and my hands clinch into fists as I make what I think is a better choice of response._

"_Don't ever lay a hand on me again!" I tell her with more confidence than I knew I possessed. "If you want to blame someone for this then blame yourself! You are the one who really wants Madge's family's money and power! I really care about her for who she is, and now she won't even speak to me! Stay out of my life, Mama! You're the one messing it up!" _

_I take a few steps forward, lean over, and give my mother a look that dares her to ever slap me again. "Did you hear me? Stay. Out. Of. My. Life!"_

_My mother actually looks frightened, and it feels good to see her that way. For once the tables are turned. Still, I am not going to hurt her and I don't want to scare her. I only want to make my point. So I back away._

_I make my way out the back door as quickly as I can, throwing my apron into the yard as I go. I pick up my pace when I hear Graham following me. _

_I'm not going back there! Not now! I think. Graham better leave me alone too!_

"_Peeta wait," Graham says._

"_No, leave me alone."_

"_But I want to tell you something, that's all."_

_I stop and turn around to let my brother catch up. When he does, he rests his hands lightly on my shoulders. _

_I start to push his hands away when he says, "Congratulations. Now you really are a man. She just doesn't know it."_


	31. What I'd Like to Say

**[AN: This chapter begins as a continuation of the end of the last chapter. Peeta's brother has just told him that standing up to their abusive mother is what makes him a man, even if their mother won't recognize that fact.]**

Graham's words sink in while we walk to his house.

Maybe standing up to my mother really is what it takes for me to be my own person, I think.

When Becki hears about what happened with Madge she cries and hugs me. Then Graham tells her about what I said to my mother, and she hugs me again.

"Peeta, you did what you needed to do," she declares. "People are supposed to respect their parents, but what your mother does to you is wrong. It's cruel. You had to tell her she couldn't treat you like that anymore."

Having Becki's opinion to bolster Graham's strengthens my resolve to maintain my independence from my mother's undue influence. Becki is wise in a way Graham and I usually aren't. Despite the fact that she's giggly, she's also analytical and reasoned. She provides the exact opposite of the emotional considerations that Graham and I often use to make decisions about interpersonal relationships, and she's still free with her hugs! It's easy to see why Graham loves her.

If only we could teach Becki to ice cookies! She'll always be better at keeping the books though. Perhaps that's best since I like icing cookies. My plan is still to find a way for Graham and me to run the bakery together. I can't imagine allowing my brother to be forced into a job in the mines to support his family. I'd sacrifice almost anything to avoid that. The mines resemble tombs to me when we go there on field trips every year. For far too many residents of District 12 they have become just that.

Graham and Becki offer to let me stay with them for the night or a little longer. I refuse because they are still newlyweds and staying with them feels like an intrusion. As I walk home the whole day starts to feel like a dream. Madge's birthday party will start soon, and I won't be there. The cake I decorated will be there because Graham delivered it to Madge's house right before my fateful conversation with my mother. Mimicking the look of the old garden that Madge loves, I adorned the cake with frosting wildflowers and vines. Madge might hate me right now, but I know she loves that old garden.

My hands shook with the knowledge that I'd lost Madge the entire time I decorated her cake. Madge would never forgive me for not being transparent with her because being deceived is one of her worst fears. I missed Madge already. Despite the fact that I blamed Mama's meddling for the break-up, I also blamed myself. Madge wanted honesty, and I had refused to give it to her repeatedly.

The loss is still so new as I walk home. I forget about it for a few minutes only to remember again. Then regret fills me, and my eyes well up with tears. I know my mother will be furious when I got home. Eventually she will probably calm down, but my life is likely to be miserable at home for some time. There will be extra chores and more harsh words. I intend to avoid my mother as much as possible, but that's not easy to do when we work in the bakery together.

When I cross into the yard behind the bakery I hear a familiar voice.

"Stop." It says playfully, "that's not even true." The voice ringing in the crisp evening air is Katniss' voice. She might not sing anymore, but her voice still has a melodic quality. I'm startled by the fact that as she finishes the statement, Katniss actually giggles. It's a sound I haven't heard from her since she was young enough to wear her hair in two braids and run around the playground during recess!

"No, I'm telling you, Catnip, the baker always makes a better trade for you than he does for me. He likes you," a second voice says. It's Gale Hawthorne's voice.

I can see their silhouettes on the other side of the yard. Katniss is looking tomboyish in her hunting gear and over-sized hunting jacket. At school she wears dresses though. They're plainer than Madge's, of course. Still, Katniss looks beautiful in anything she wears. Even when Madge was right beside me, I involuntarily noticed Katniss. A boy can't always help being attracted to more than one girl.

Gale tugs on Katniss' arm teasingly and she slaps his hand away. She skips ahead of him and turns around to face him. I wish I could enjoy such casual bliss with her, but I can't even summon the courage to speak to Katniss.

Why not? I wonder. If I could date the richest girl in town, why would Katniss intimidate me so much?

"No way!" Katniss says, "He either likes Prim or my mother, people don't like me!"

"I like you, and I'm a person!" Gale replies as he laughs. The statement might not imply anything but humor, but I roll my eyes anyway.

Gale is a year or two older than me. Girls generally find him irresistible according to Delly. He's tall and has dark hair. Delly claims he has a 'bad boy' persona that many girls just love, but I have trouble comprehending why any girl would want to marry someone "bad." Delly says that Gale's not "bad" though. Maybe I should ask Becki about what all that means because when I ask Delly to explain further she simply shrugs and says that I'm not likely to ever understand what she means.

"You know, maybe you'd have more friends if you were friendlier," Gale teases.

Katniss slaps Gale's arm with the back of her hand.

"I hate you right now, you know that right?" Katniss giggles again. "Besides, I don't need more friends. That's what you are for."

As I watch them exit the yard I take a few more tentative steps towards my house.

Friends? I thought. Katniss and Gale have to be more than friends. There's no other explanation for how they act around one another.

Gale could probably date any girl from the Seam, yet he is Katniss' presumptive boyfriend. Katniss acts differently whenever she's with him. There's a muted cheerfulness that's not normally part of her that shines through in Gale's presence. I'm torn between wanting Katniss to be happy and wanting her to notice me.

Gale and Katniss understand each other. They both know what it's like to grow up in the Seam. Both of their fathers died in the mine during that terrible accident when I was twelve. They spend countless hours hunting in the woods together. Katniss and Gale probably have bonds that can't even begin to understand. There's no way they are just friends.

Katniss and I have little in common. Graham says people with opposite characteristics and backgrounds can complement each other which may provide another explanation for why he fell in love with Becki. I don't think I'll ever get a chance to find out if Katniss and I would complement each other though. Katniss will marry Gale, and I'll always wonder if something…anything...could have brought us together.

/

Peeta? What are you doing?" I heard Delly say as she shook my shoulders gently.

I raised my head from the desk but had to lay it down on my outstretched arm almost immediately because I was overcome by dizziness.

"You look really out of it," Delly said in a concerned voice.

"Not as much as usual actually," I murmured.

"You mean you had some kind of episode?" Delly asked with surprise.

"Yes," I said rolling my aching head to the side on the desk and hoping the cool metal would soothe it. At least the dizziness was better with my head down.

"I can't believe you can talk to me like this already. That's really fast, Peeta. That's amazing."

"I'll try to remember that when my head stops throbbing."

She patted my shoulder.

"You'll see it as progress when you feel better. What's this?"

Delly took the letter off the table, but I didn't mind. Delly knew all my secrets, just like when we were kids. There was really no other option since I couldn't control what I said to her when I was confused.

"It's a letter to Katniss. You can read it is you want. It's terrible."

Delly read it as she walked around the room nervously. I didn't know why she was acting that way, and my head hurt so badly that I couldn't care much.

"Is this what you really want to tell her?" Delly asked as she put the letter back on the desk.

"Well, no."

"Why don't you write what you _really_ want to tell her?' She said.

"You want the truth?"

Delly tilted her head to the side with annoyance. Of course she did.

"I don't want to be rejected," I admitted. "Plus, I don't think it is safe for her to be around me. Even if she doesn't totally reject me, I want to protect her."

"Then don't give it to her. Write the letter as if you will never give it to her. That way you have complete freedom to express yourself."

/

"Dear Katniss,

I've never forgiven you for pretending to fall in love with me in the arena. My memories may be distorted, but those feelings have never changed. I've been described as a very forgiving person. I don't know why I haven't forgiven you. The most likely explanation is that it hurt so much when I found out our love wasn't mutual that forgiveness seemed impossible. That pain intensified when the Capitol insisted that we pretend to be in love even after the games.

A lack of forgiveness hasn't stopped me from loving you though. Even as the Capitol tried to turn every memory of you into a nightmare, I loved you. Sometimes I think that I'll never stop loving you no matter what happens between us. That may not be healthy, especially now. It's never been even, Katniss. I've always had stronger feelings for you than you have for me. You're not to blame for that.

The hijacking made me question everything about us. What I found was that you are a good person. You are not the monster they tried to make me believe you to be. You're also not the angel I once believed that you were, though you've certainly come to my rescue in the past. You're somewhere in between a monster and an angel, but you're so much closer to an angel. Knowing that makes me love you more. I hope someday we can try to get to know each other all over again without the Capitol and terrible circumstances intervening. That is ultimately for you to decide though.

I've never properly thanked you for saving my life when we were in the Hunger Games for the first time. What you did was unselfish and extraordinary. I was able to be with my family for a whole year because I lived through the Hunger Games. My family is dead now, but that year with them will forever be special to me. Even though my life right now is difficult, I am learning that it can get better. If it weren't for you I probably would have died in prison. So, thank you for saving my life – at least twice.

When we went to the Hunger Games together the first time, you never gave up on me. For whatever reason, you seem to have given up on me this time. That makes me very sad, but I understand that you have responsibilities to the country now in the Mockingjay role you've assumed. I want you to know that our first meeting did not go as I had planned. I never meant to be hurtful. You once thought I had a gift for words, but I don't anymore. I become confused and upset easily. Maybe someday that will get better, but I hope you'll understand that I didn't mean to be hurtful when you came to visit me. It's just where I am right now in this process of getting better.

I've been amazed at what you do as the Mockingjay. I completely support you if you believe in what you are doing, but I worry about your safety. Please be careful. Don't let them catch you. It may be worse than them killing you. I've seen what they can do. Your family still needs you, and I need you too. Even if we never become close again, just knowing you are alive is a victory to me after all we've been through. Sometimes I feel like I have to know if you are safe to even breath. It sounds dramatic, but it's true. I suppose it comes from trying to protect you for so long.

Love Always,

Peeta

[AN: I need some help with the next chapter. I'm on vacation and don't have my copy of Mockingjay, but I need the quotes from the conversation Peeta has with Katniss, Finnick, etc. in the cafeteria. Can anybody PM them to me? I don't think there are that many, but I can't write about that without the quotes. Thanks]


	32. The Cafeteria

[AN: At long last – here's chapter 32! Thanks for the quotes Recon and J. H. Note: I have limited internet, but please reviewbecause I'll get it soon enough - and when I do it'll make my day]

[Note: All dialogue in the cafeteria is direct quotationfrom Mockingjay. All credit for everything (including quotes & creation of characters) goes to Suzanne Collins, as usual]

A new doctor walked briskly into my room the next morning. Only his uniform informed me that he was, in fact, a doctor. He never introduced himself. He didn't look as though he was from District 13, though it was sometimes impossible to know based on appearance alone. His hair was a dark blonde, and his eyes were a light shade of brown with flecks of green. Much younger than Dr. Aurelius, his style was fast-paced and a little jarring.

He didn't ask how I was feeling, but he did inquire about the abbreviated confusion episode that I'd had the day before. Apparently, he'd talked to Delly and the nurses first which offended me. Why hadn't he talked to me first? Even if Dr. Aurelius talked to Delly and the nurses first, he always started with what I thought when he interviewed me.

Petty, I thought. I'm being petty. He's here to help me.

"So you've had episodes similar to this one in the past? You simply recovered faster yesterday?" He asked.

"Yes, I believe so. Delly thinks so, and she knows more than I do in some ways. Did she tell you what I said to her or how I acted? She says it's usually different than what I say I'm experiencing."

"She said you were sad and quiet. However, that's an improvement over panic-stricken, delirious, and agitated. I'd say overall the lessened recovery time and the less dramatic reactions to the episode are probably signs of improvement, Peeta," the new doctor said.

I winced at the implied familiarity of him calling me Peeta because from the moment he entered the room, I didn't trust this doctor.

Perhaps I am just being paranoid again, I thought. After all, he's saying I'm getting better. I should be happy about that.

All the nurses called me Peeta, and Dr. Aurelius did too. Beetee certainly did. I considered them confidants though. It unnerved me that this new doctor called me Peeta with such ease and without even introducing himself. He assumed too much. I wondered why he was even in my room. As if reading my mind, the doctor explained the situation.

"Dr. Aurelius has told me a great deal about your case. I've been in District 2 for some time, and before that I was in District 8. I've been treating soldiers and civilians on the front-lines. Now that the invasion of the Capitol is being organized, President Coin wants Dr. Aurelius to review our plans for dealing with psychiatric emergencies among soldiers, civilians, and refugees.

The psyches of the people of the Capitol during this war and at other times are presumably very different than those of the people in the districts. The soldiers' attitudes towards the Capitol are different as well. What happens during this battle from a psychological perspective feeds what will happen afterwards during peacetime. That's how we got the Hunger Games, isn't it? Because of a lust for revenge? We're hoping to avoid those pitfalls this time. So, Dr. Aurelius' experience and expertise is needed nearer to the Capitol. Basically, we've exchanged locations."

I couldn't argue that my particular case was more important than preventing the establishment of something like the Hunger Games.

"So what did he tell you about me?" I asked.

"He told me about the hijacking and the other torture you endured. Dr. Aurelius feels that your nervous system is recovering from the effects of the drugs they gave you in the Capitol, and you will clinically improve over time. Once that process is over what will be left is the trauma, the memories of the pain, the distrust of people, and the occasional loss of hope."

Maybe I misjudged this doctor, I thought.

"Peeta, I saw the letter that you wrote to Katniss, and I have trouble understanding it."

"Really?" I said.

"You say you love her yet categorize reasons you shouldn't. You say you worry about her, but you sound like you wish you didn't."

…Or maybe I didn't misjudge this doctor, I thought.

"It's a complicated relationship," I clarified. "If Katniss read it, I think she'd understand."

"But you have no intention of giving the letter to her?"

"No, I don't. Maybe someday," I admitted.

"I see," he said. He squirmed slightly in the chair before he started speaking again, "I have a challenge for you today. I think you need to get out of this room."

"The last time I did that I ended up completely confused for a long time. According to Delly it was one of the hardest episodes to watch. She said I was…very distraught."

"I heard that."

"Then why would you want me to do it again? Avoiding what's going to cause an episode has proven impossible so far, even inside this room. Outside of this room, the world is much less predictable."

"You need to progress, Peeta. I've seen amazing improvement on the front-lines where there is no opportunity to truly escape from the stressors that cause symptoms. People learn to cope with them."

"Or they kill themselves or someone else," I said cynically.

There was a long silence.

"Perhaps that's what Coin wants, for me to kill myself?" I added. "She could dispose of me without negative publicity. The Mockingjay no longer cares about me. Losing me will not incapacitate her because she thinks she's already lost me."

"This is about recovery, Peeta. It's not about Katniss Everdeen or President Coin. Why do you dislike President Coin so much anyway? Dr. Aurelius mentioned that you weren't fond of her."

"She puts people I love in danger."

"She also took in 8,000 people…your people."

"And maybe if she'd stayed out of it, there would still be 800,000 you could call my people."

I could see he was giving up on establishing any rapport with me, at least for the day. I liked most everyone, but this doctor was pushing me too far too fast. Since the hijacking and the torture, I just couldn't tolerate that.

"You can go to lunch in the cafeteria," he added. "I'll send two guards with you. Be ready in an hour. I heard the beef stew is very good today."

I had been trusted to wear the standard District 13 attire for a while so I put on fresh clothes and prepared for lunch.

/

The new doctor was in such a hurry to get me out into the "real world" that he didn't even wait for Delly to accompany me. I told the nurses where I was going in the hopes that they'd inform Delly when she arrived. Perhaps she'd meet me in the cafeteria. The guards clicked shackles on my wrists, and I anticipated the humiliation of walking into a crowded room wearing them. The whole situation smacked of indignity. The fact that they'd feel the need to use the shackles was evidence of the recklessness of this approach, and the truth was that I really might need the shackles. Especially after such an irritating conversation with the new doctor, my ability to resist an episode would be very low.

The beef stew did look good. We never had beef in District 12, but I had eaten it in the Capitol and on the Victory Tour many times. When I saw Delly eating at a nearby table, I was relieved and motioned to the guards to walk with me there. Then I saw that she was sitting with Gale…and Katniss! I was torn between a drive to run in the other direction and a nearly magnetic attraction towards the table. I felt the corner of the letter, Katniss' letter, lightly jab me in the thigh from where it rested in the pocket of my pants.

Maybe I should give it to her? I thought.

Walking up to a chair across the table from her, my eyes focused on Katniss. Her dark hair was in a braid as usual. She was smiling and laughing at a joke Finnick was telling. I loved to see her laugh, and that tenderness for her that had never fully left me started to stir in my chest. Katniss glanced up briefly, and a look of astonishment crossed her face.

"Peeta!" Delly exclaimed a moment later, "It's so nice to see you out and about!"

She hesitated at the end of her sentence as if she too doubted whether I was really ready to be in this cafeteria.

"What's with the fancy bracelets," asked Johanna with a wry grin.

I gave her a slight smile back that I assumed only she could see. She meant no harm, and I knew that.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet. I can't even sit here without your permission," I said quietly. I nodded with self-deprecating humor at the guards who stood along-side me.

Giving me a sympathetic glance Johanna patted the seat beside her.

"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends. Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol, we're very familiar with each other's screams."

Johanna's words were uncharacteristically quiet and seemed to be directed primarily at Gale and Katniss rather than the guards. Gale and Katniss were sitting next to each other across the table. I saw Katniss' eyes look down for a brief moment when Johanna mentioned the screaming

Does she care what they did to me? Does she think I was weak to scream? She would scream too, she just may not know that because she's too proud to know that. Does she think Gale wouldn't scream? He would. I hope she never finds out what I know about torture.

Not surprisingly, Johanna's statements upset Annie, and Finnick looks displeased.

"What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy," Johanna explained.

You should censor your mouth though, I thought. I'll have to tell Johanna that later.

I lost my appetite quickly. Everyone seemed uncomfortable with me sitting at the table with them. The laughing and talking I heard before I approached ceased altogether. I wondered why because I hadn't done anything wrong.

Delly tried to improve the situation by bringing up my one universally recognized moment of competence since I arrived in District 13, the wedding cake. Annie gave me a very kind compliment, and I thanked her sincerely. Pride in my work was something I hadn't felt in so long, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes to hear her say what she said about the cake.

At least I am still good for something and can make somebody happy, I thought. I certainly can't make Katniss happy.

While I daydreamed, Finnick and Annie decided to leave the cafeteria. I didn't want them to go.

"Good seeing you, Peeta," Finnick said.

I reached out with my hand to try to catch his arm, but the shackles stopped me.

The indignity of being unable to reach out and touch a friend didn't help my mood. Plus, Katniss hadn't even spoken to me since I sat down, yet this disturbed girl named Annie who I'd never even met managed to give me a compliment.

Perhaps only two disturbed people can really understand each other anyway, I thought.

It's a mistake to say something when you are truly desperate and don't know what to say. Unfortunately, I said something anyway.

"You be nice to her, Finnick or I might try to take her away from you."

I was so mixed up! I wanted Katniss to know that I could be with someone else someday just like she was with Gale now. If Madge hadn't been dead, I might have mentioned her. Unfortunately, I referred to Annie who I knew was married to Finnick.

"Oh, Peeta. Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart," Finnick said as he pulled Annie along gently.

Immediately my mind flashed back to the time my heart stopped in the capitol. The unreality, the coolness, and the slowness all hit me at once. I was dying all over again.

I fought the desire to give in to the dizziness and nausea that were quickly overtaking me. This was definitely not a memory I wanted to relive, and I couldn't collapse here in the middle of the cafeteria.

"Peeta! He did save your life twice," Delly said, scolding me.

As much as I hated to hear Delly sound frustrated with my behavior, her words kept me in the present for the moment.

"For her," I managed to say. "For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything."

Becoming part of the conversation again helped too, although I was probably more grateful to Finnick than I was revealing.

"Maybe not. But Mags is dead, and you're still here. That should count for something," Katniss blurted out.

The dizziness and nausea got worse. My heart raced uncontrollably, and the tenderness I had been feeling for Katniss was replaced with the most intense anger I'd ever felt towards her.

"yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. At lot of nights on the train for instance."

I saw Delly cringe, and Johanna looked slightly panicked about what I might say next.

Using my spoon to point towards Katniss and then Gale I asked, "So are you two officially a couple now or are they still dragging out the star crossed lovers thing."

"Still dragging," Johanna answered because nobody else bothered to do it.

The muscles in my hands and arms tightened and then released. It was just like pulling against the restraints. Confinement, whether mental or physical, is infuriating. I knew I was getting sick again, and I couldn't stop it.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself," Gale said.

"What's that? You'll have to be more specific," I answered.

"That they've replaced you with an evil mutt version of yourself," Johanna answered.

I turned to her, angry and confused.

Is that all I am? I thought. Yes, maybe it is.

And with that thought my mind couldn't hold back the onslaught of the damaging chemicals that still controlled it at times.

Gale asked Katniss if she was finished eating.

I watched them walk away as my vision blurred. Her braid was swishing back and forth as she walked. His arm was behind her but not touching her.

"Delly," I whispered as I laid my head down on the table beside my tray. "Please make sure I get away from this crowd before I pass out."


	33. I Can Handle It

_I pull Katniss' dress shoes off her feet and place them on the floor by the bed in her train compartment. The heel of one catches on the satin coverlet, and I have to untangle it from a newly loose thread._

"_Are you all right?" I ask her. My question's fair since Haymitch and I just finished nearly carrying her to bed. _

_She leaned on me so much when we were dancing at the District 5 Victory Tour dinner a few hours earlier that I almost had to pick her up in my arms. It would have been good for our "romance" act, but Katniss doesn't like being made to look like she needs me in public – or anytime. When we made our way back to the train, Haymitch and I had to stand along either side of Katniss and hold her up so she could walk. I doubt she was bearing much of her own weight._

"_I'm just tired," she says with an odd smile, her eyes closing slowly._

"_Tired people can still walk, Katniss," I point out gently as I place the back of my hand on her forehead to check for a fever._

"_Not if they are tired and drunk," Haymitch says dryly._

_My jaw drops as I turn to look at Haymitch._

"_I'm not drunk," Katniss protests._

_It's then that I notice that her speech sounds different. I might have thought it was tiredness but now that Haymitch has pointed out the truth I can hear that she's slurring her words._

"_You are drunk, Sweetheart. It doesn't take much when you don't eat. I'm going to go get you a glass of water. Drink it or you'll have a heck of a headache in the morning."_

_I've never seen a drunk woman before. The thought never occurred to me that Katniss would drink. It is technically legal, but it's discouraged at our age._

"_Did you do it on purpose?" I ask her as I sit down on the bed beside her. _

"_Not really," she says. Her eyes are still closed and she snuggles close to me. _

"_I didn't know what it was at first," she adds. "It didn't smell like alcohol to me, and it must have been mixed with something sweet. After I drank it I started to feel better. So, I kept drinking it." _

"_That kind of sounds like you did do it on purpose," I say, worried. _

_She was already such a mess. Drinking was not going to be good for her at all. _

"_It's not a way to solve anything, Katniss. Can't you see that in Haymitch."_

"_I know, Peeta. It's just that…they stopped haunting me once I had some of it…that's why I had more to drink."_

_I understand that she is talking about the other tributes. They haunt me too. Their faces are never far from me, whether I'm asleep or awake._

"_Are you going to do this again?" I ask as I touch the back of her hand lightly. _

"_No," she says as she snuggles even closer to me. _

_It's starting to become hard for me to concentrate. The affection surprises me, especially since Haymitch is due to return any minute._

_Haymitch comes back with the water. Handing me the glass he whispers in my ear, "She's very likable when she's drunk. Maybe we should get her drunk more often." _

_I roll my eyes at him, and he smirks as he exits the room. I know he's worried about her too, but he allows himself to laugh once in a while. He tries to make me laugh too._

_Katniss never drinks the water Haymitch brought despite my encouragement. I play with her hair as she falls asleep, afraid of lying down beside her. _

_It wouldn't be right, I tell myself. I can't do anything differently tonight. She'll only hate me later if I do._

_It's always difficult to be so close to her and know she doesn't love me, but the gentleness she is showing me tonight makes it worse._

_Finally, I drift off to sleep while I'm still sitting up._

_Sometime during the night I feel Katniss wrap her arms around me. She gently pulls me down beside her. I'm so sleepy that I simply comply._

"_Peeta." She whispers. _

_The depth of the darkness makes me wonder if we are passing through one of the long tunnels underground._

"_Yes," I answer, barely awake. _

"_Prim says I'm in love with you," she says softly. _

_I hear her make a slight noise that sounds like a gasp, and I wonder if Katniss intended to say the words that have just escaped her lips._

_Waking up comes rather quickly to me after that. _

_Did I hear her correctly? I wonder. I try to think of the best response._

"_Are you?" I ask cautiously._

_There's a long pause, and she wraps her arms tighter around me._

"_I don't want to hurt you," she says._

_I sigh in exasperation._

"_You're already hurting me, Katniss.. All the time. Just tell me the truth. I can handle it."_

_I feel her start to tremble, and I'm filled with guilt. What must be one of her tears lands on my arm. With my other hand I reach over and touch her hair in an attempt to reassure her._

"_I don't think I know what love is," she confesses._

_It's probably the most honest statement she's ever made about us._

"_I wouldn't know what it is either if it weren't for you," I tell her._

_I turn on my side to face her just as the light from some kind of station in the tunnel enters the window. Her eyes are soft, and they glisten because of the tears. All the lines in her face have evened out with this sudden change in demeanor. She should let her guard down more often. It wouldn't take alcohol to do it, just trust._

"_You know that I love you, Katniss. I've made no secret of that. Prim is 14 years old though, and she doesn't know everything about you. What I need to know is if you think you love me."_

"_Sometimes I do."_

"…_But you're still drunk," I point out. "Tomorrow evening we'll see the ocean. We'll bury our feet in the sand and watch the waves roll onto the beach. If you really think you love me, tell me again then."_

_She nods._

"_I will."_

_/_

_It's sunset when we arrive at the beach. The colors are beautiful, and they reflect off the ocean. I memorize every detail because I want to paint it. Katniss is wearing one of her dresses and walks out into the water. The dress blows all around her in the ocean breeze. I walk out into the water to take her hand. She'll think we're being filmed, but I know the crew has already left for the party._

"_Do you have anything to say?" I ask her as I intertwine our fingers._

"_About the ocean?" she asks. "It's lovely. Truly lovely. I like it almost as much as the mountains."_

_She smiles at me. _

_I take a deep breath._

"_Yes, it is. I'm going to paint it so we can always remember what it looks like."_

"_Thanks."_

"_Anything else, Katniss? Anything you wanted to say to me?" I ask her as I look deeply into her eyes. _

_She doesn't look away, and she doesn't look confused by my question._

"_No," She says. "Just that I'm glad you are here."_


	34. Soldier Mellark

[This chapter begins with Peeta continuing to remember some events from the Victory Tour]

_I don't bother to knock on the door of her train compartment as I walk inside. Katniss probably wouldn't answer if I did, and I'm carrying a tray of food. _

_Walking over to the bed, I see that Katniss is curled up like a cat. She's clutching one of the soft train blankets and wearing a dress she brought from home. _

"_Katniss?" I say as I sit on the bed with the tray on my lap. "I brought you something to eat, but Effie says you have to start coming to meals again."_

_She still doesn't move, and I lay my hand on her shoulder._

"_Later," she says as she sleepily opens her eyes._

"_Please eat, Katniss. Effie's blaming me for all of this." _

"_Why would she blame you?"_

_Katniss readjusts the blanket and the way her arms are supporting her head._

_I hesitate, not wanting her to know what Effie thinks if she can't guess on her own._

"_She just does," I finally answer._

_Katniss closes her eyes and looks like she's trying to go back to sleep. Apparently she's satisfied with my vague answer which is a relief to me. I could imagine her jumping up, finding Effie, and explaining in embarrassing detail that all her assumptions are wrong. Katniss would probably make me sound very undesirable in the process. I'm more like disposable, but that's not important right now._

"_She wants you to see a doctor when we get to District 3," I continue._

"_Why? For more sleeping pills? No thanks. You and I both know what's wrong with me."_

"_Yes, but Effie doesn't really understand what's bothering you, Katniss. To Effie, this tour is mostly still a very well-organized party. Please eat something. Regardless of what Effie thinks, you need to do that. Remember when you made me eat when I was sick during the games?"_

"_That was different; you were dying."_

"_No, that was different because it was me. You protect other people, but you don't take care of youself."_

_She doesn't move. Katniss can be so stubborn!_

_I sit the tray on the floor, being careful not to break any of the fancy dishes. Provoking Effie further isn't something I want to do. I've already received an exhaustive lecture on "responsibility" from her today. Katniss would have heard it too if Haymitch hadn't proclaimed that Katniss "needs her rest." He had to stifle a chuckle, but Effie didn't notice. I just shook my head at him. _

_Of course, Haymitch is well aware that Katniss and I kept our distance from each other during the time between the games and the Victory Tour. Katniss spent every Sunday with Gale though. I wonder if Haymitch has considered that fact. I certainly have._

"_This tour is another game, Katniss. If you give up now, Snow wins. You forfeit. Neither of us can afford for you to do that." _

"_I thought you were tired of being a piece in their games, Peeta."_

"_Sometimes you have to be to survive," I admit. "What do you think we are doing when we go to these events and play the role of 'victor' that they've assigned to us? We have a purpose though, to try to protect the people we love."_

"_Then the games never end, do they?"_

"_Maybe they don't, but there are ways to play on our own terms. They'll never completely control us as long as we can think for ourselves."_

_/_

Someone shook my shoulder and called my name. I opened my eyes to see that it was one of the nurses, and she looked a little frightened.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

She stepped back, but she didn't say anything.

"Hello, Peeta." The new doctor said cheerfully. "How are you feeling today?"

"Today? Has a day passed?"

"It's 5 am. A little more than half a day has passed," he clarified. "How do you feel about your visit to the cafeteria?"

"I think it is obvious that it was a complete failure. I managed to alienate every friend I have left including Delly."

"No, Delly's been here all night actually. I sent her home to get some rest just now."

"Then the cafeteria trip resulted in an episode – does that matter?" I inquired.

"Yes, but the episode appeared to be mild. Was it mild to you? What were you experiencing or remembering?"

I wondered if I really had to tell him.

"The Victory Tour," I said.

"Something sentimental?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You said her name…you sounded mildly upset at one point. Gale's name came up. You were calm at other times."

"This really isn't relevant! I don't want to talk about it. I'm pretty sure Katniss was sick on the Victory Tour, and I tried to take care of her. We were friends. That's all there is to tell. Drop it!"

"Anything that gets you that upset is very relevant, Peeta. We'll move on if that's what you prefer though. Plutarch wants to get some television footage of you training with the new recruits for the invasion of the Capitol. The guards will take you over to the training fields in a couple of hours."

I feel my insides contract and my eyes open wider. How in the world can he think I'm capable of that? I can't even have lunch without falling into an episode.

"That's ill-advised. I'm the crazy one, and even I know that."

"Ill-advised or not, that's what we've been ordered to do. You haven't been here long, Peeta. That's how this place works…you follow orders. Just do your best to stay away from thoughts and people that trigger episodes. You know…like Katniss."

/

Avoiding Katniss proved impossible. The trainer and camera crew put me with her group for physical conditioning immediately. I tried to avoid eye contact with Katniss even though I knew it would make me look crazy. Safety was more important than pride.

Johanna would normally have been a support to me, but I didn't know what to say to her since she'd called me a "mutt" in front of the others at lunch. So I avoided her too.

Amazingly, I managed all the physical conditioning for the day except the extended run. I was excused from that anyway because of my prosthetic leg.

"Soldier Mellark," the trainer said after lunch, "you're to report to for stage1 training over there."

He pointed to the other side of the field where a group of boys was assembling.

I dutifully walked over and was ordered to turn around and face in the direction from which I'd just come. The other recruits were ordered to line up too. It was unfortunate that they chose to assemble the group that way.

All I could see was Katniss standing with Gale at the shooting range, and Katniss had a gun!


	35. Plutarch's Idea

The trainers started at one end of the line of recruits and moved down. They verified names, orders, ages, and other important information. All this time I was required to stand there and look across the field at Katniss. I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes or look down. The nightmares jumbled together, but I didn't lose consciousness. I just stood completely still.

_/_

_"I have something for you, Peeta. I found some berries," Katniss says. She puts the spoon in my mouth. It's full of smashed berries._

_"You're going to go to sleep, Peeta. You're not going to wake up. It's for the best though."_

_/_

_"Peeta, I have to make it home to Prim; I have to take care of her…And you know what that means." _

_"It means I have to die."_

_/_

_"On the count of three?"_

_"The count of three." _

_"one." _

_"two."_

_"three!" _

_I'm falling to my knees. She's guiding my down so I don't fall too fast. I wonder, why isn't she falling too?_

My vision narrows on Katniss where she stands across the training field. I jump and stare at her gun when I hear the cannon that fires only in my head.

/

Everything started to look blurry, but I could still stand. I didn't move.

"Peeta. You're looking kind of green." A voice said. It was Haymitch.

"That doesn't surprise me," I said quietly. The trance was broken, and I looked down at the ground.

"I need to talk to you," he added.

He nodded to the trainer and pulled me aside. Thankfully, we walked to a command tent out of sight of the firing range which left me feeling much safer.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"Not great."

"For the record, I'm completely against this."

"But you can't stop it?"

"No, but I'm doing everything I can to minimize it. You want to sit down?" He asked as he pulled a chair to me.

I sat down gratefully. Closing my eyes, I put my elbow on the arm rest and supported my head with my hand.

"Plutarch wants you and Katniss to do a Propo together. He wants you to look like a happy couple."

I sighed and looked back at him, defeated.

"I can't do that, Haymitch. Orders or no orders, I can't."

"I know," he said. Haymitch sounded as sympathetic as I'd ever heard him sound. "I just wanted to warn you. Be prepared to tell him why."

"How about 'I'm afraid I'll try to kill her again' as a reason?"

"Are you?" Haymitch asked.

"I'd never do it in my right mind, but I'm not always in my right mind."

"You could tell him that. It may not matter though. Protecting Katniss is not as much of a priority as it once was."

I stared at him with unprecidented intensity. He had to know how disturbing that would be for me to hear.

Haymich patted my arm.

"She's with a good unit though, Peeta. Gale and Finnick are going to be with her. Boggs is her commander. The soldiers are the best, and they aren't going to be in any areas where heavy action is anticipated. It could be much worse."

The trainer was motioning for Haymitch to send me back to the group.  
"You better get back," Haymitch said. "Good luck at training. "Oh, one more thing. When Plutarch comes to talk to you, be sure and tell him that you can't kiss her."

I winced and shook my head where it still rested against my hand before replaying. "He wants me to kiss her? These people are going to finish what the Capitol started."

Back with my group I could still see Katniss on the shooting range. She was talking to Plutarch. I saw her scowl and angrily walk away.

Another rejection of me, no doubt. It's a wise one though, I thought.

Plutarch appeared late in the day when my group was learning to assemble guns. I was reasonably good at it, and my gun was already assembled when he arrived.

He took me out to the same command tent where I'd spoken to Haymitch.

"Peeta," he said, "you're doing remarkably well here at training considering what you've been through in the past few months. We've gotten some decent video. You could show a bit more enthusiasm though; it would help the quality of the propos."

I was silent, glaring at him in a way I hoped would scare him. I didn't really mind if Plutarch thought I was crazy.

Plutarch cleared his throat uncomfortably before continuing.

"I want to do a propo with you and Katniss as a couple. She's not very excited about it yet, but I think that's simply because your recent encounters with each other have been so uncomfortable. I'm sure you can warm up to each other enough to do the propo if you try harder."

I crossed my arms and stared more, avoiding blinking until my eyes stung so much that I couldn't keep them open any longer to strengthen the effect.

After an uncomfortably long pause, Plutarch asked, "so what do you say?"

"No!"

I slung my newly assembled but unloaded gun over my shoulder and rejoined my training group without another word.

I arrived back at the hospital that evening to find Delly angrily arguing with the doctor. It was actually shocking to me because I'd only known Delly to act this way a few times in her life. Delly had a very protective instinct, kind of like a mother bear. It was usually applied to her brother. This time she was protecting me, and I was very glad to be on the side of the protected rather than the threat.

"This is _wrong! _After everything he's done for you! How he warned you about that bombing!" She took two steps closer to the doctor and pointed her finger at him accusingly. "They nearly beat him to death for that! Ask Johanna! Ask her! Go look at those x-rays and scans. Even I can see what they did to him!

Watch some of the video of these episodes and see what happens! It's bad enough that you are sending my fourteen year old brother to the Capitol, but at least he's sane. What is wrong with you? What kind of people are you? You are no better than the Capitol if you have no more sense than this! It's like sending children to the Hunger Games!"

She finally took a breath which allowed her to hear the heavy steps that my prosthetic leg makes on the tile floor.

"Peeta!" She said, turning around gracefully and acting as if I couldn't hear what she just said. "How was training?"

"Um, not great."

"Actually, everyone said he did very well."

Delly glared at the doctor.

"I am here to help him," she said pointing to me, "not you! If you want me to continue helping then stay out of my conversations with Peeta."

Haymitch cursed from the other side of the room. "I think you should all be glad that they didn't teach Delly how to assemble a gun today!" He said to the doctor.

The doctor sighed, adjusted his clipboard under his arm, and left the room.


	36. District 3

When Delly and Haymitch left, I realized how tired I was. I had made extraordinary efforts to keep up at training, but I wasn't really sure why. Maybe I just wanted to prove that I could.

But lying in the dark in such an exhausted state showed me I'd over-exerted my mind as well as my body. Being around Katniss may have been too much, and the war becoming ever more personal didn't help. The shadows made by the safety lights they left on at the hospital during the night began to startle me. They seemed to move and looked like animals: squirrels, raccoons, and skunks. I recognized that the shadows weren't animals, but the strange way my mind was working reminded me of the night I was rescued from the capitol. That was the night I had the hallucinations of the beetles.

Soon I was lost in the past again. I wasn't really sleeping or dreaming, just remembering.

/

_The roar of the crowd is intimidating as we approach the District 3 platform. Katniss' hand trembles in mine as we climb the stairs. The people shout the two syllables of Katniss' name with ferocity and admiration. When we reach the top of the platform the cheering only intensifies and many people throw their hands up in the air in the District 12 salute immediately. Katniss cuts her eyes over to me with obvious anxiety._

_I nod nearly imperceptibly. This crowd wants Katniss which insures that they will get me. Hopefully by disappointing them we can defuse the situation._

_After the speech given to honor us, I rise to speak with Katniss trailing me by our hands. I try to sound dull during the speech, but I smile lovingly at Katniss so the other districts will see attractive pictures of us on television tonight. Katniss lowers her eyes in deference to me. The more child-like and innocent she appears the better. She stays slightly behind me almost all the time. Near the end the mayor pushes her forward, and Katniss waves weakly to the crowd. There is thunderous applause. _

_Finally Katniss feigns being unable to resist kissing me lightly on the lips and then giggles as if embarrassed at her actions. Nobody seems to notice or care. To the residents of District 3 our appearance is a political rally, not a celebration of our victory in the games or our love. The crowd is still shouting "Kat-niss" as we descend the platform and are whisked away in a car. _

"_Oh, Peeta!" Katniss wispers, "That was awful. They chant my name like it's a call for vengeance on the Capitol." _

"_I know," I say as I squeeze her hand. "We're doing our best. That's all we can do."_

_Effie escorts Katniss to the doctor she's insisted that Katniss see. While they are gone, Haymitch and I receive a personal tour of a computer factory from the mayor. _

_The camera crew films only me, not Haymitch. The factory boasts amazing technology, and some products are made without ever being touched by human hands. Unfortunately, the mayor chooses to show us the types of computers that control the special effects used in the Hunger Games which only makes me nauseous. Haymitch shows interest though._

_Katniss arrives in a stormy mood with Effie following her at a quick pace. _

"_Let's get out of here!" Katniss says angrily as she grabs my arm and pulls me toward the door. _

_Pulling back I thank the mayor and glance at Haymitch. He shurgs._

_Katniss doesn't stop pulling my arm mercilessly until we reach the car which has been waiting for us in the executive parking lot. _

"_They thought I was pregnant!" She says much too loudly._

_I survey the area all around us, but she's managed to outrun everyone. _

"_Really?" I say, trying to sound astonished._

"_Yes! And then when I said I didn't need any…any…anything to prevent me from getting pregnant….they didn't believe me!"_

"_Really?" I try again since it seemed to work the first time. _

_Katniss looks past me and to the right. Then she suddenly leans in and kisses me hard on the mouth. She hesitates when I don't respond happily the way I usually do for the camera. Then she pushes me back against the car a little and tries again._

_This time I kiss her back, though I have no idea why she's doing this since the camera crew is still inside the factory. As we continue to kiss I wrap my arms around her waist. Leaning against the car fully, I pull her closer. This is what I've wanted to do every day and night for the whole tour. _

_This can't be for the cameras, I think._

_When Katniss finally pulls away she looks up at me with a self-assured smile. _

_She shoots an angry glance over my right shoulder and says, "Stay out of my business, Effie. If Peeta and I want to have a baby together then that's none of your concern."_

_My eyes grow wide, but Katniss can't see them while she's glaring over my shoulder. I dare to look behind us, swallowing hard. Haymitch and Cinna are there along with Effie. Haymitch starts coughing. Cinna crosses one arm over his chest and raises the other hand to his chin. Effie looks dumbfounded. She turns and walks away. I listen to her heels click the concrete and realize she couldn't walk faster without breaking into a run._

_Katniss opens the door of the car and sits down on the plush seat, motioning for me to follow. Slowly, I do._

_Once we are in the car and alone, Katniss bursts into tears._

_I hold her against my chest and smooth her hair. _

_It's no wonder Effie made the assumptions she did. It's strange to me that Katniss apparently can't see that. _

_Since the District 3 speeches were before the scheduled factory work-day, we have a few hours before dinner once we get back to the train. Katniss continues to cry for a while in her compartment, and I stay with her. While I'm probably just reinforcing the lies she's just told, I can't leave her. _

_Katniss rambles about Prim and wanting to make sure she's safe.  
"I've never wanted to get married, and I don't want any children! Since I was twelve I've just wanted to make sure my sister grows up without starving." She sobs. "I don't want Snow to put anyone I love in the Hunger Games! It's a cruel world, Peeta. I don't want to bring another soul into it!"_

"_Okay. You don't have to, Katniss. Just calm down," I say. I run my fingers along her back hoping to relax her._

"_Yes I do! They want me to marry you, Peeta! Haymitch told me. Don't you see it? They'll want us to have children too! Imagine it! The children of two victors!"_

"_Who wants us to get married? Effie? Well, maybe right now she does, but that's because she thinks we are acting like we are already married. And she thinks we're trying to have a baby!"_

"_No! Snow! The Captiol! They will want us to get married soon. You'll see."_

"_And you think that's an awful fate?" I ask. I sound more sad than questioning._

"_Of course not, Peeta. You'll be a wonderful husband and an amazing father. Any girl would be lucky to have you. You deserve better than me, for sure. I just don't want either of us forced into a marriage or a life we don't want."_

_I pull my hand away from her back. Katniss lifts her eyes to look into mine deeply._

"_But you do want it. Don't you?" She asks me. For the first time today, I feel like she's caring primarily about how I feel instead of how she does. _

_I sigh and look away. _

"_I don't know what I want, Katniss. Seeing you like this, that's definitely not what I want."  
_


	37. Sleeping Alone

[AN: This chapter involves Peeta and Katniss talking with some detail about his bad leg, so if that is bothersome to anybody then skip the middle section of this chapter – beginning after the first "\" mark and ending with the second "\" - this part of the chapter is kind of sweet though and might change your opinion about being bothered by such things]

_Haymitch stops by my train compartment after the dinner in District 3. I'm sitting in bed reading, but I tell him to come in. He's trying hard to stay sober on the trip so he can be of the most use, and sometimes he just needs some company to distract him._

_"Some of us are going to play cards. You interested?" He asks. Not surprisingly, Haymitch loves to gamble. Usually we gamble for "respect" at home. We measure "respect" in acorns. Haymitch always wins the most acorns. I suspect real money will be gambled tonight though._

_"No, thanks."_

_Haymitch looks down at the floor by my bed where I've already placed my prosthesis. It's uncomfortable to sleep in it, and the skin around where it attaches is sore from all the dancing I've been doing._

_"Settling in for the night?" He asks sounding rather surprised._

_"Maybe." I answer vaguely._

_"Want to talk about it?"_

_"About what?"_

_"What she did? What she said?" He continues._

_"There's nothing to talk about."_

_I look back down at my book._

_"I hope you at least told her not to surprise you like that again in public," Haymitch continues. "It could be dangerous in the future. Even your gift for words won't be able to save her if she doesn't learn to control herself."_

_"It sounds like you think we will be spending a lot of time together," I say scornfully. After all, Haymitch had shared information with Katniss but not me again._

_"Yeah, I do. So she talked to you about everything the Capitol is likely to expect?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And what do you think?"_

_"I think that unless she suddenly falls madly in love with me and changes all of her ideas about marriage and family, she's going to be utterly miserable if we're forced to get married and have children. I may spend the rest of my life trying unsuccessfully to make her happy."_

_"I'd say that's pretty accurate. Except I think she does have feelings for you."_

_I forgot about my book for a moment._

_"Feelings that say 'go away, Peeta?''' I ask dryly as I look up at Haymitch._

_"No, feelings like 'I care about you deeply and I'm not sure that I want to care that deeply about anybody. I'm scared and want to make it stop.'"_

_"hhmmm. I don't know, Haymitch. I'm only sure about the 'I'm scared' part. And she'll never admit even that much."_

_"You seem kind of surly, Peeta. You sure you don't want to unwind by playing some cards?"_

_"No, I'm fine." I lie._

_"Suit yourself. Come on in if you change your mind."_

_/_

_My intention is to sleep alone, nightmares and all. Something about what Katniss said today in the parking lot makes me want to see if I can resist the opportunity to stay in her compartment. When Katniss comes by to check on my before going to bed, I complain of not feeling well._

_"What's wrong?" She asks._

_"My leg hurts. Too much dancing, I think."_

_Katniss' gray eyes narrow, and her head tilts slightly. She almost looks like she's hurting too. I rarely complain of any physical pain from my leg even though it does hurt sometimes. No matter how wonderful the technology is, it still has to press against my skin all day long. The gait I must use is unnatural and makes my muscles hurt and spasm when I overuse them._

_"Does anything help?" She says very softly._

_"Rest."_

_"Anything else?"_

_Katniss reaches her hand across the blanket that covers me, and I hold my breath. She starts to remove the blanket from around my waist, but I clutch the blanket tightly._

_"What else is wrong, Peeta?" She asks innocently. Her brow is furrowed, and her eyes are sad. It's such a change from the angry girl we all saw this afternoon._

_What's wrong? I think. The list is long, Katniss. The lights are on, and they are usually off. I have a stump for a leg, and you've never seen it. Today you told everyone you are trying to have a baby with me when actually we don't even kiss in private. You probably consider marrying me a kind of punishment. Despite all that I'm still very attracted to you at this moment, and I really don't want that to be obvious to you._

_"I'm really tired," I say as I turn on my side and lie down completely. The blanket is up around my shoulders now._

_"Are you coming to my room?" She asks with what I think might actually be longing._

_"I don't think I can tonight. I'm sorry." I close my eyes from the pain that refusing her brings me. To her it probably looks like I just can't hold my eyes open any longer._

_Katniss moves to the end of the bed and pulls the blanket out from under the mattress. As she inches the blanket upwards, her fingers get closer to my bad leg._

_I'm truly afraid of her touching the stump because she's so squeamish._

_"Katniss! Don't!" I say sitting up. "It's embarrassing to me. Please don't."_

_She looks wounded, and I can see tears welling up in her eyes._

_"I just want to make you feel better. Your leg has touched me before in your sleep. It's my fault you lost your leg. I just want to make it feel better."_

_As usual, seeing her cry makes my insides feel like they will melt._

_"All right. Just remember, I'm still Peeta. No matter how you feel once you've touched or seen my leg, I'm still the same person."_

_Katniss tilts her head sympathetically and touches my cheek. It strikes me that she may be harboring a deep guilt about how I lost my leg that I've completely ignored. She certainly has no reason to feel guilty._

_She inches her fingers under the blanket a little more, and I help her find my leg. She still can't see it through. Unfortunately, her hand touches the flesh where it is most sensitive first, and I flinch. It's the place where the skin has been rubbing the prosthesis too much, but Katniss doesn't know that._

_She stops and looks at me mournfully._

_"It's all right," I encourage her. "It's just sore from all the dancing. It's not like that all the time."_

_I take a deep breath and resolve to stay perfectly still. Very carefully, Katniss starts to soothe my leg the way one would a sore shoulder. The muscles of my leg start to relax. My anxiety starts to recede, and feeling her touch me begins to take my breath from me in a completely different way._

_I try to remember that this is not a sensual act, but an act of friendship. It isn't easy to do because Katniss' touch is gentle and loving. It doesn't feel clinical like those of the rehabilitation therapist who helped me learn to use the prosthesis. Finally, Katniss' hand moves slower. She seems to tire._

_"Thank you," I whisper. "That does feel so much better. I'm sure I'll be dancing tomorrow night again."_

_My leg still rests underneath the covers, and she hasn't looked at it. I see her lean over though. She places her lips gently on the blanket right over my leg in a kiss._

_I sigh. This is not life and death like it was at the river. Katniss needn't care for me like this. She is so beautiful when she chooses to love._

_"I'm so sorry about your leg. I shouldn't have used the tourniquet. It's my fault." She says sadly._

_"No, Katniss. Please don't feel that way. I would have bled to death without what you did."_

_I take her hand and encourage her to slide up so I can see her face more clearly._

_"You saved my life. Don't ever feel guilty about that," I clarify._

_The sides of her mouth lift slightly._

_"Thanks, Peeta."_

_Her eyelids are heavy. It has been an emotional day, and Katniss is more exhausted by emotions than anything else. Within minutes she is asleep in my arms._

_So much for sleeping alone, I think._

_/_

_"No! No! No! Stop!" I hear her scream as loud as I've ever heard her._

_"Katniss, wake up," I say shaking her shoulder._

_She lets out a scream that makes me shudder._

_"Don't! You're monsters!" She continues._

_Katniss thrashes around in bed, screams, moans, and cries for nearly 10 minutes before I can wake her fully. Even then, her eyes are wide with terror. My arms hold her tightly though._

_When I reach over to touch her cheek, Katniss jumps and takes in a sharp breath._

_"It's Peeta. You're safe. It was just a nightmare. Where were you?" I ask reluctantly._

_"The arena," she says in a whisper._

_I hold her tighter than ever_.


	38. District 2

[AN: This chapter begins while Peeta's still remembering the Victory Tour]

_Katniss runs her fingertips along the marble wall inside the justice building of District 2. I'm impressed too. The building is beautiful and in much better repair than any justice building we've seen so far. The sound of a band playing can be heard through the massive justice building doors. _

"_Show time!" Effie's sing-songs as she puts her arms around our shoulders. _

_While we walk out onto the platform there is the respectful clapping of hands from every direction. The square looks like it is part business district and part train station. The train tracks have been roped off, but the streets are filled with people._

_Banners hang from the buildings lining the square, but the banners don't have Katniss' image or mine as they have had in some districts. Instead, they have the Panem symbol and the District 2 symbol. The crowd is mostly young people, children really. They are dressed in white from head to toe. Our arrival must be a signal to them because they begin forming rows and stand with their arms at their sides. _

_The band leader changes the music to a march, and the children turn in unison and begin forming groups of rows. A well-organized march down the street begins, and every third child holds either a Panem flag or a Distict 2 one. After half an hour of marching and a demonstration of "military athletics" which includes marksmanship and an obstacle course, the children reassemble in the center of the square where they were when we arrived on the platform._

_The mayor rises and congratulates the children on an excellent performance, and the children salute him with a Panem military salute. Katniss squeezes my hand and whispers, "this is…different."_

"_Yes, it certainly is," I answer._

_After the mayor's speech Katniss and I approach the podium where I give yet another rendition of our standard speech for the Victory Tour. Katniss looks down, clearly avoiding the elevated booths created for the families of Cato and Clove to the right of us. I pull Katniss closer and intertwine our arms. _

_She'd watched both Cato and Clove die. Of course, their families had watched them die too. Katniss was simply in close enough proximity to take in every detail. The television could not capture the stickiness, heat, blood, terror, and sweat that Katniss knew. She'd told me earlier in the morning that the nightmare last night was primarily about Cato. Everybody would agree that his was one of the most gruesome deaths of the games in recent years. Engineered to be long and painful, it was incredibly disturbing._

_At the end of the speech we wave and receive more polite applause. The children march to passenger trains that appear on the nearby tracks. Katniss and I watch as the trains begin traveling into an adjacent mountain stone mine. _

"_It's our largest mine," the mayor explains._

"_Children go inside the mine? All those children at once?" I ask. _

"_Well, they aren't really children. They are at least 13. They consider it a source of pride to be able to enter the…mine," he explains._

"_And it doesn't disrupt the mine's activities. We always had to visit in such small groups and at inactive areas of the mine as kids in District 12. We never had passenger trains going anywhere near the mines either," Katniss points out._

"_Well, stone mining is a different business than coal mining. It's cleaner," the mayor says with condescension dripping from his statement. _

_Katniss looks at me with a confused expression._

_I have to say, it does seem odd that such a large group of children would be ushered into a working mine on passenger trains. It must be a massive mine, for sure. Plus, all those children were wearing white, and I doubt that most of them were 13!_

_Haymitch clears his throat. _

"_So, why don't you show the victors some of the products produced with the stone you mine here, mayor. They are always interested in district industry."_

_Katniss starts to chuckle, and I stealthily put one finger to my mouth to signal her to stop immediately. She does. _

_The mayor follows Haymitch's suggesion by showing us polished countertops, pavers, and bricks._

_That afternoon I watch as Katniss pulls all the hairpins out of her hair before lying down for a nap in her train compartment. _

"_I can't stop thinking of them," she says. "My head is splitting. I wish I could turn off my thoughts and stop this awful headache."_

"_I know. If it weren't for us they almost certainly would have been the victors."_

_When Katniss finally releases all of her hair she lies down on the bed and hugs a pillow. I go to the bathroom and run cold water over a washcloth, bringing it back with me._

"_Katniss, you were right about that mine. Something is strange about it. Haymitch shut us up on purpose. He didn't want us discussing it with the mayor."_

"_Yeah, something is wrong with this whole district! It's nothing like the others. It's like they are brainwashed or something."_

"_Those kids are shooting guns and doing who knows what else!" I add, "No wonder this district has so many victors." I touch Katniss' shoulder and pull back on the bones to encourage her to turn over on her back._

_Her gray eyes meet mine, and I smile as I hold up the washcloth._

_As she turns I neatly fold it. Then I cover her forehead and eyes, hoping the coolness will help._

_This is how we spend our days, comforting each other._

"_Do you want me to ask Effie for some pain pills?" I ask her._

"_No, you will do." _

_I can't help but smile at the comment._

_Lying down beside her, I kiss Katniss gently where the washcloth covers her forehead. Then I wonder if I should have._

_Katniss doesn't seem to mind though. I hold her hand. Neither of us got much sleep last night._

_Outside the window I can see hovercraft approaching that mysterious mine near the square. Behind it, they seem to disappear. Then out of nowhere, there's an explosion! _

_/_

_Katniss jumps out of bed. I grab her hand and run to the compartment door._

_Haymitch is in the hallway._

"_What's going on?" I yell._

_There are sirens outside, and the noise is deafening._

_Haymitch shakes his head, and his face is crinkled into a worried expression._

_Effie arrives with some kind of goo on her face. She must have been interrupted during a beauty treatment. _

_There's the sound of gunfire from somewhere outside. It must be close if we can hear it over the sirens. Haymitch orders us all on the ground by motioning with his hands. Everyone complies. __I kick the door closed behind us with my foot. Then I scoot close to Katniss, prepared to protect her just like I tried to in the games. I see Katniss glancing at Haymitch. He's pulled his knife from his pocket and it's in his hand. _

_We lie there for an hour before Effie rises to answer the phone. It's been silent outside for about 20 minutes at that point, but nobody is sure what to do._

_Effie comes back from the phone acting remarkably perky._

"_Oh, it was just some sort of police action. An illegal drug crackdown, they said."_

"_Here? Near our train?" I question._

"_And what about that explosion?" Katniss asks turning on her back and holding her head again._

"_Well, I don't really know. The mayor says the entire area is secure now though," Effie chirps._

"_Why don't I believe that?" Hyamitch mutters._

"_We are at a train station after all, Haymitch. How do you think drugs get into a place like District 2! Besides, if anyone can stop criminal activity, it would be District 2," Effie continues._

_I can't help but notice Haymitch giving her a hard look and nodding his head over towards us. Effie's obviously said something she shouldn't have said in his opinion._

"_Is there something you aren't telling us?" I dare to ask._

"_No," they answer in unison._

"_All right," I say getting to my feet slowly with Katniss helping. She seems to really understand my struggles with my leg these days. _

"_If you ever decide that we children have a right to know what's really going on in our lives, you know where to find us."_

_Katniss raises her eyebrows at me, and we make our way to her compartment once again._

"_Peeta, do you think that explosion had something to do with us?" Katniss whispers._

"_I think it had everything to do with us."_


	39. Trying to Pretend

_When we make it to the Capitol we learn that there's an endless string of parties, dinners, and celebrations planned in our honor. _

"_I hate it here," Katniss says as she looks out the window of our training room apartment. She's wearing a striking red dress, but its loveliness can't surpass the overpowering sorrow Katniss conveys with every move and every word. Katniss hides most of her negative feelings in public, but I absorb all of them when we are alone. They are a weight that I sometimes feel I can't carry._

"_Yeah, I know. Me too. At least our job will be easier here. Everybody believes in the 'Star Crossed Lovers from District 12' here," I point out._

"_We still have to fawn over each other though."_

"_True. If you have to pretend to be madly in love with someone in the Capitol, better me than a native though. Right?" I smile. I've learned to joke about our relationship. It actually seems to endear me to Katniss. It feels wrong sometimes though, like I should be treated better._

"_Oh, yes! I'm so glad it's not someone with purple hair and lion whiskers!"_

_I smile, but my bottom lip recedes as a twinge of emotional pain from her comment takes over._

"_So, what's our tentative plan for tonight?" I ask her as a way to change the subject._

_She sighs._

"_I say that we try to sneak off together to be alone after dancing the night away. We'll be sure to be caught, of course."_

"_Sounds good. We haven't used that one in a few days."_

_Effie arrives, chattering about remaining on schedule. Haymitch follows, and Effie readjusts his bow tie._

_She never thinks Haymitch looks quite up to standard no matter what the stylists try to do to him._

_The party is a long one. We dance until Katniss takes me by the hand and leads me gently to a deserted area of the banquet hall. As we lean up against a wall I begin to kiss her. It isn't difficult to pretend that I can't resist her sometimes because I can't. The kisses deepen, and she seems to follow my lead. Our arms wrap around each other in the most natural of loving embraces. It feels so real! My eyes close, and I forget that this may still be intended as pretense._

_I kiss her repeatedly. Each time more hungrily._

_My hands move up and down her back and then come to rest at her waist._

"_Peeta," she says. My eyes feel heavy as they open and stare into hers. "What are you doing?" she asks. I can't help but notice the breathless quality in her voice. _

"_Kissing you." I say as I lower my gaze slightly and brush my lips against hers._

"_Yes." she lowers her voice. "But you are really, really kissing me." Her voice still sounds strange, breathless and pleading. I don't know what she wants. Is she pleading for me to stop or keep going? _

"_I know," I finally say._

_I'm aware that my eyes must reveal my desires. I loosen my hands around her waist because I'm not sure what to do with my hands. Katniss hasn't asked me to stop doing anything. I wait. My lips still linger close to hers and occasionally accidently brush hers. The darkness of the train compartment often hides my longings for Katniss, but not tonight. Not here. Tonight they are undeniable. _

"_I can't do this. It's too much," she mutters._

"_I'm sorry." I almost breathe out the words. _

"_I'm sorry too."_

_Katniss lays her head on my shoulder, and I hold her as her body trembles. _

_This is what Haymitch means, I think. She doesn't want to care about anybody this much._

_\\\_

I heard a soft crying.

Katniss. I thought. She's crying.

I sleepily patted my hand toward the sound hoping to comfort her.

It must be a nightmare, I thought.

I couldn't seem to find her.

More crying.

Why am I so sleepy? I asked myself.

I willed my eyes to open.

"Katniss?" I said softly before I was even able to see straight.

I saw blonde curls as my eyes focused.

As my vision cleared I could see that they belonged to Delly.

Oh course they do, I think. I'm in District 13.

Her hands were pressed against her face, and she really was crying.

Delly brought her hands to her lap. No smile graced her face. She looked down despondently.

"What is it?" I asked.

Delly shook her head as I turned on my side to inch closer to her.

"Please tell me," I said. I watched her as she wiped tears from the corners of her eyes.

"I've never seen you like this." I said. Worry gripped me.

"He left today. I don't think I'll ever see him alive again. He's fourteen, Peeta. He's small for his age too."

Her brother had had orders to go to the Capitol for the invasion for a week. It was only a matter of time before he was transported there. For Delly, it was reaping day. The war was taking away the one family member who had survived the bombing with her.

My heart sank.

Some of the boys I was training with were fourteen. A few were very adept with the use of the weapons and in good physical condition. They did not have the physical strength of most of the older soldiers though. Delly was right about that being a significant disadvantage in the kind of battle the invasion was likely to be.

"What's it like?" She whispered as she finally looked me in the eyes. "What's it like to go into something violent and know that chances are you won't live through it."

I remembered, and I told her.

"It feels terrifying, but sometimes it feels oddly peaceful as well. It's easier to think when it's peaceful. So I tried to emphasize the peaceful part as much as I could. You kind of resign yourself to what's happening to you after a while."

Delly nods her head, her face thoughtful.

"I don't want him to suffer…if…"

She stopped and fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I know. You've seen too much here and back home."

Taking her hand, I felt utterly helpless.

There was no way to reassure her.

War, even a "necessary" war, is a terrible thing.

/

I was sent to the firing range when I arrived at training.

"Are these real bullets?" One of the younger recruits asked.

"Does it matter? They will be when we get there." Another answered.

It was my turn. I had fired guns at the training center before the Hunger Games. Though there were rarely guns in the games, we were trained on all kinds of weapons just in case. Still, the gun felt alien in my hands as I held it. The targets were pictures of peacekeepers.

The trainer called my name and instructed me to shoot. I aimed at the target, but suddenly all I could see was Darius. He used to come to the bakery and buy bread all the time. His favorite was the sour dough my brother was fond of making. I watched Darius die…a terrible death…worse than Cato's death. I lowered the gun.

The trainer would have reprimanded any other recruit harshly, but my situation had been thoroughly explained. Instead of yelling at me, his voice was calm.

"Soldier Mellark, on the battlefield you'd be dead."

"I know."

"Shoot!" He said firmly. "Shoot!"

The gun tumbled out of my hands, and I felt someone catch it.

The trainer's voice faded away as another pair of hands sat me down in a chair.

.


	40. Proposals

I heard him talking.

"He's got no business carrying a gun!"

"Soldier Hawthorne, this is none of your concern!"

The first voice was Vick, Gale's brother.

He was right, of course. Being in my training group was probably not pleasant for Vick anyway, and I was sure Gale had told him that I was crazy. What surprised me was that Vick was standing up to the District 13 military!

"We have our orders. He's not going to hurt anyone with all of us here," one of the other trainers said.

"We should get him out of the sun. It's an opportunity for the recruits to practice dealing with an incapacitated fellow soldier if nothing else," another suggested. "Have them pretend he's wounded."

That's not far from the truth, I thought. Torture just causes a different kind of wound.

Someone touched my wrists, probably to move me, but the feeling transported my mind to the past.

/

_Katniss' fingertips graze my wrist as we talk with Haymitch about strategies for our Victory Tour interview with Ceasar Flickerman. _

_I'm not sure if she's touched me on purpose or not._

"_I think Peeta should ask me to marry him," she blurts out._

_I sit up straighter and tense every muscle in my body. _

_Haymitch glances in my direction, waiting for an additional response._

_Katniss strengthens her argument for the marriage proposal. _

"_It's the natural progression of what we've been doing for the whole tour."_

_Interesting choice of words, I think._

"_It makes sense that he would ask me," Katniss continues. "If it happens here in the Capitol we'll maximize the publicity and the impact."_

_Haymitch glances at me again._

_Then he raises his eybrows, "Wow, Sweetheart. You've come a long way from the girl who ignored the crowd when she first arrived for the Hunger Games."_

"_Not really. I've just learned what's expected of me," Katniss explains._

_I decide that now is the proper time to respond._

"_And I suppose you all think that this proposal is what's expected of me?" I ask._

"_The girl makes some good points. Whether you go through with the proposal is up to you two." Haymitch says. He looks directly at me when he says "you two." _

_My mother's words return to haunt me. Her rants about who I should and should not marry echo in my ears. My power to decide for myself is being taken from me again. Again this time, I care very much for the person I'm being asked to take as my wife. The reasons feel wrong though, just as they did with Madge. I want to marry Katniss more than anything. I don't want it to be this way though; I don't want it to be for these reasons._

"_Katniss, I'll ask you if that's what you want me to do." I say quietly. Her gray eyes search my face. Perhaps my meaning is not clear. _

"_I'll ask you to marry me," I clarify._

_Katniss is business-like in her tone when she says, "Well, let's get started on planning this proposal then."_

"_I want to go to my room for a while," I say instead._

_Nobody argued with me. Even if they had, I would have gone to my room anyway._

_As I walked down the corridor of the train, I overhear Katniss say, "I thought it's what he wanted anyway."_

_Haymitch replies, "Not like this. He wanted it to be real."_

_/_

"_How's it going?" Haymitch asks cautiously when he comes to check on me a few hours later. It's unusual for me to spend the evening alone._

"_Not well," I say as I crumple another paper and toss it at the half full waste basket. "There's no guide for how to propose when it's all fake."_

_Haymitch presses his lips together._

"_Peeta, you and Katniss will end up married. The Capitol will see to that. So, in that way it is a real proposal. I think she'll come around in time."_

"_Forgive me if I say that that doesn't make me feel any better, Haymitch." _

_I pause as he sits down in a nearby chair._

"…_and what about Gale?" I ask._

"_She seems to enjoy spending her nights with you these days. Maybe Gale is no longer an issue."_

"_You know our 'nights' are not what people think, Haymitch," I say gruffly. You're the only one who seems to realize that._

"_Maybe they aren't now, but maybe someday they will be."_

"_So I'm just supposed to wait for her, hoping that she decides to love me."_

"_Isn't that what you are doing now?"_

_I hate it when Haymitch is right! There's not much I can say, so I'm quiet. Haymitch taps his foot on the floor._

"_Hopefully Kanniss will have the sense to be careful about spending any time with her 'cousin' Gale," Haymitch adds. "Otherwise she'll endanger us all."_

"_Katniss has been known to take a few risks when it comes to Gale. And what about me, am I supposed to stand by and watch my 'wife' cheat on me for the rest of my life?"_

"_If Katniss insists on a relationship with Gale then maybe you should find a 'cousin' of your own. I know you'd be smarter about it than she would be."_

"_That's your solution? Having an affair?" I ask._

"_I didn't say it was a good solution. Besides, if it's a fake marriage then it's not an affair."_

"_That's the problem, Haymitch. Marrying Katniss is never going to feel fake to me even if it does to her! I'm not sure I can live like that."_

"_Son, I think you're going to have to."_

_/_

_As I'm kneeling on the stage before Katniss, I wonder what our future holds. _

_I forget everything from the script I've written and simply tell her as if she's the only person there how I feel about her. Then I finish with a promise._

"_I promise I'll spend my life trying to make you as happy as you can possibly be." I say. "Will you marry me?"_

_Tears fall from Katniss' eyes. _

_Are they real? I wonder. Does she know that I mean all of this?_

"_You've already made me as happy as I can possibly be, Peeta. Yes, I'll marry you."_

_/_

I heard Vick again. I was lying on the ground, and he was sitting beside me.

"Call Delly. This is silly. Peeta can't be here to train if he's going to be like this," Vick suggested.

"I had no idea. I thought Peeta would be finished out here in a day because all they wanted was a few promotional pictures." Gale replied.

"Apparently they're planning on putting him through the full training, but he's in his own world, Gale. This isn't safe for him or anybody else." Vick continued.

"I'll talk to them. Just stay here with Peeta.

Vick and Gale…survivors from home. They understood. Why didn't anyone from 13 seem to understand that I wasn't capable of this training yet? I wanted nothing more than the see the Capitol fall. They leveled my entire district! They destroyed my family and my future! I'd fight them if I could, but right now I could only fight for victory over what they did to my mind.

I remembered the last time I came home to District 12…after the Victory Tour. Looking out the train car windows, I could see the mountains, the valley, the bakery, the justice building, and our school. I'd never see my home again because it didn't even exist anymore.

/

_As we arrive at the station we're greeted by a crowd happy to see us once again! A dinner at the Mayor's House is planned in a few hours followed by the Harvest Festival tomorrow. The Harvest Festival is being hosted by the Capitol this year, so tomorrow our fellow District 12 residents will be fed the best meal of their lives! As we exit the train, I see that every door in the merchant district is decorated with corn this year, not just corn husks. _

_Graham and Becki are the first to greet me when we get to the Mayor's house for dinner. _

"_Congratuations," Graham says as he hugs me. "I guess patience does pay off." _

_I don't know what to say. He has no idea that the engagement is a ruse._

_Becki hugs me and I notice how much her belly has grown in the time I've been gone. "It's kicking a lot right now. Do you want to feel it?"_

_I'm hesitant, but I guess the woman who I once hid from embarrassment in the basement storage room feels very comfortable with me. _

_So I nod, and Becki places my hand on her belly. Then she moves it a little to the right where I feel tiny movements under my fingers. I smile. _

"_I guess the baby can't wait to meet its famous uncle!" Becki says._

_Could Katniss ever be that happy about having a baby? I wonder as I watch Becki beam with pride._

_Madge greets Papa at the door. He is wearing his best shirt and pants. There's not a speck of flour on them. He embraces me and tells me how glad he is that I'm home. Mama is noticeably absent, but Papa says she's simply baking the last items for the dinner tonight._

_I doubt that._

_Katniss is greeting her mother and Prim. Effie is making sure the centerpiece is perfectly centered on the table, and Haymitch is examining the wine selections sent by the Capitol. The two people that work for the Mayor pass trays of appetizers around the room. The Hawthornes, minus Gale, arrive. The camera crew will be here any minute._

_Amid all this activity a small, soft hand takes mine. I sigh as I intertwine my fingers with hers. Maybe, Haymitch is right. Maybe Katniss is slowly discovering that the idea of marrying me isn't so bad after all._

"_Peeta, I need to talk to you." A voice whispers close to my ear. I'm startled that it's not Katniss' voice._

_My eyes glance down at my hand and then up my arm. My eyes meet blue ones, and I see that I'm holding hands with Madge. _


	41. Running

_I let go of Madge's hand as I look around for Katniss. I'm relieved to see she's talking to Hazelle across the room, and there's no way she could have caught a glimpse of the hand-holding. As I scan the room I note that the camera crew hasn't arrived yet._

"_What are you doing?" I ask Madge sternly. I know that I'm frowning, and it feels foreign to my usually neutral or smiling face._

_She looks back at me sadly, "I didn't mean to startle you; I just want to talk to you."_

"_About what?" _

_Madge has put me at risk for trouble, but maybe she doesn't know that. I try to stay calm._

"_Ummm…I can't say here. Just come with me. We'll talk."_

_She yanks my arm hard, and I follow her to avoid making a scene. As I suspected, once I start following her Madge lets go of my arm._

"_Where are you going Peeta?" Effie asks when we pass her. She's straightening the napkins on the dinner table._

"_To the kitchen. Madge wants to show me the cake," I answer._

"_Oh, come back soon," Effie trills._

_Madge smiles at Effie. Then she leads me into the kitchen and out the back door into the darkness. We don't stop to look at the cake. _

_She starts pulling my arm again until I'm walking so fast that I'm nearly running._

"_Madge," I whisper. "I don't think this is a good idea. You don't know the trouble this could cause."_

"_That's where you are wrong. I know all about your troubles."_

_Her voice reveals a strangely mysterious and mature quality that I've never noticed in the past. Then again, we've barely talked since we broke up._

_We reach a small gate. _

_Of course, the garden. _

_I suddenly feel safer. It's unlikely anyone will find us here unless the followed us. Going back to the party will be tricky though. _

_Madge pushes the gate open as I nearly trip over a wayward vine. We decide to sit down just inside the gate._

_Madge takes my hand again and squeezes it gently._

"_So they are forcing you and Katniss to get married, right?" She asks as if she already knows the answer._

"_Oh course not! I love Kantiss. I want to marry her." I answer. _

_Madge lets out an exasperated sigh and scoots a few inches closer._

"_I have no doubt that you love her, Peeta. That's not the question. Isn't the Capitol forcing you to marry her?"_

_There's a long pause while my former girlfriend's intense blue eyes stare into mine. They confirm how important this conversation is to her, so very important._

"_Sort of."_

"_Sort of? All right," Madge pauses. She's obviously irritated at my vagueness. "Let's try this a different way. Does Katniss love you? Does she want to marry you? _

_She squeezes my hand even harder._

_She's breaking me down. The truth is that I need to talk about this. Besides Haymitch, Madge is the only person who's given me the opportunity to talk about how I feel about being engaged to Katniss. I have a feeling Madge might have better advice than having an affair should Katniss fail to ever be a true wife to me._

"_I don't know," I whisper honestly. _

_I feel the muscles in my neck and back release tension I didn't even know they were holding. _

_Madge smoothes her skirt with her free hand._

"_You don't have to do this. Neither one of you has to do it. There are places you can go…to get away from them…the Capitol. I can help you," she says in a barely audible voice._

"_I 'm…I'm not sure what you mean, but I want to marry, Katniss. I think we should get back to the party."_

_I start to turn away, but Madge pulls me back._

"_But even if you marry Katniss, don't you want it to be on your own terms? Don't you want to be free?"_

_I shake my head._

"_How do you know all this, Madge?"_

"_My father is the Mayor, Peeta. Don't you think he's manipulated by them every single day of his life? My aunt died in the arena…the very year Haymitch won the games. I've heard about how they operate all my life. I know what they're capable of doing, and I don't' want you to be hurt."_

_Madge leans over and kisses me gently. I am so shocked that I just stare at her. _

"_I just want you to be happy and safe, Peeta. Katniss is my friend, but she's not good to you. She makes you…sad. The Capitol is calling all the shots in your life. You have that tortured look you used to have again. Let me help you. I'll help her too. Then you can sort out if you should be together or not."_

_I swallow hard. Is this conversation about love or poitics?_

_Risking humiliation I inquire, "But you wouldn't mind me being happy and safe…with you?"_

"_I'd be lying if I said that wasn't true. This is not about me though. It's about you, and it's about…more people than you can imagine. If you never speak to me again, I still want you to consider running."_

"_What about my parents, Graham, Becki, and the baby? Then there's Katniss' family and Haymitch?"_

"_Peeta, you can bring anyone you want. Let's just say that my father and many others have been working on this for a while. Something has to be done about them, Peeta. They can't be allowed to keep killing children and starving the districts!"_

"_Where would we go?"_

"_I can't tell you that. You'd just have to trust me," She adds._

_I shake my head. "No, I have to know more than that. I'd never convince them without knowing more than that."_

_Madge leans in and squeezes my hand even harder, to the point of pain._

"_Something big is coming, Peeta. It's something that will change all our lives forever and stop the Capitol from abusing us. It'll happen whether we like it or not. We can't just sit here! We have to help! Everyone knows your name and your face. They know hers too. Do you know how valuable that is?_ _You are…powerful. You can persuade anybody to do anything…even fight for their freedom."_

_I suddenly felt a wave of anxiety so strong that I could swear I was in the arena again. She is talking about a revolution._

_/ _

_We make our way back to the party from two different directions. There are multiple doors to the Mayor's house so I enter the back kitchen door and Madge enters another one. When I enter the dining room, Effie scolds me. _

"_Peeta! Where have you been? I've been waiting for you!"_

"_Umm, I had to check on my moth…" Then I see my mother tapping her fingers against the hardwood of the tabletop._

"_Mother," I finish. "I see she's already made it here though."_

"_Yes, let's get started!" Effie says as she recovers from the lapse in the execution of her carefully planned schedule. _

_I see Madge enter the room from the other side of the house and sit beside her father._

_The night goes smoothly even though Katniss is somewhat distant now that we are back home. We kiss a few times for the cameras. There will be dancing at the harvest festival, but there's none tonight. Around 11 pm I walk her to her house in Victor's Village and kiss her on the cheek._

"_Goodnight, Katniss. I hope you sleep well."_

_Katniss tilts her head and wrinkles her brow sympathetically._

"_You too, Peeta."_

_I'm struck by her thoughtful mannerisms, and I think she could have added "I'll miss you tonight" if she were brave enough to say it._


	42. Shame

[AN #1: There's been some concern that Peeta would somehow end up with Madge. What? This is not AU. You needn't worry about Madge or anyone else stealing Peeta away!]

[AN #2 Violence against women is common in war for sure. The second part of this chapter will mention it and talk about characters reactions to it (without actually describing it). The topic is treated respectfully, but I wanted to warn you none-the-less.]

Slowly sitting up, I realized I was in the command tent on the training field.

"Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty," Haymitch jibed.

I rubbed my temples gently with my fingertips. Why didn't they offer me morphling now when it would be so helpful? I thought.

"I guess I don't need to ask what happened," I said.

"Not really. Same crap, different day," Haymitch said.

I sighed.

He offered me a cup of tea, and I gladly accepted hoping it would help my headache in some small way.

"Peeta, I can't convince them to stop making you do this training. Even Gale talked to them. He thought that he might be able to help since he's a respected soldier around here. It didn't matter though. They want you back in training tomorrow after that absent-minded -professor doctor of yours has adjusts some medication."

Examining several tea leaf fragments floating around in my teacup, I wondered what Madge meant when she said I should run away…that there were people who would help me.

"Haymitch, did Madge Undersee know about District 13?"

"Why would you think that?" He asked, looking rather confused.

"Because after the Victory Tour she told me she could help me escape the control of the Capitol, Katniss too. She said there were people that would help us. Not only that, Madge seemed to know that the rebellion was coming. She talked about how powerful Katniss and I were and about doing exactly what Katniss ended up doing as the 'Mockingjay.'"

Haymitch raised his eyebrows. His lips puckered.

"She shouldn't have said all that, but I suppose she really was trying to help you. It could have gotten you both killed to talk about it though," he began explaining.

He paused to take a sip of tea and then added, "Nobody was completely convinced that the rebellion would happen until after the victory tour when District 8 erupted into violence. At the time we thought you and Katniss were reasonably safe as victors who were supposed to marry each other. The Capitol doesn't normally kill victors, only some of the people they love. By the time the Quarter Quell rules were announced, it was too late to try to escape.

The Capitol planning your wedding and putting Katniss in the Quarter Quell was completely incongruent. We just didn't anticipate that happening. If we had I would have made sure you made it to District 13 myself. It sounds like Madge was boing more cautious than the rest of us." Haymitch explained.

Though I was angry that he'd never been completely honest with me about…anything…I knew Haymitch had saved my life in that first arena. I would always owe him that debt at least.

I caught sight of Katniss' unit across the field again. They were working on an obstacle course of some kind, but it had all kinds of hidden traps. I jumped when a net fell on top of her and another woman soldier.

"There's something else you should know, Peeta," Haymitch said.

I braced myself for bad news. Almost all news was bad lately.

"Johanna didn't pass her training exam, and she's been hospitalized again. Apparently they used water to flood the streets during her exam and because she was tortured with water in the Capitol, she…became unpredictable."

I shook my head sadly.

"I want to go see her."

"I was hoping you would say that," Haymitch said patting my shoulder.

/

Johanna was sleeping when we arrived. Haymitch left, and I sat by her bed for about an hour watching her sleep peacefully before she started stirring.

It was almost certainly a drug induced sleep, but at least she was getting some rest.

When she woke we resorted to old, comfortable patterns of friendship. Johanna and I had relied on each other's friendship in prison more than anyone around us would ever know.

"Hey, I heard the army has lost all sense. They are training me and side-ling you? Is it true?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's true," she said smirking. "They apparently think it's a good idea to test people by re-torturing them as well."

"Hmmmm. I'm sure to fail then."

Her face grew serious. "Did you hear what happened?"

"Yeah, water. It sounds benign unless you know what can be done with it," I said solemnly. "Electricity is not so harmless sounding though, especially when the two are combined. I'm so very sorry, Johanna. That must have been indescribably awful."

"I never told you about it because you were going through so much yourself. It just didn't feel right."

"You had no obligation to tell me anything."

Johanna's lips pressed together as she frowned. I saw that drops of moisture had formed in the corners of her eyes. Uncharacteristically, she looked down.

"They did other things too. Things I feel I can't talk about with anyone. But you know that already. Don't you?"

She shivered.

"I do," I said as gently as I could. "You haven't told anyone?"

"No. They asked me, but I denied it," she said. "You already know. It happened close enough to the cellblock, didn't it? You heard me beg them to stop?" She said as the first deep sobs escaped her. It was such a foreign sound coming from Johanna.

"Yes, I did," my voice cracked with the raw emotion of the conversation. I'd never talked about anything so personal with anyone – not even Katniss.

"I think they wanted me to hear it. They wanted me to feel utterly helpless that I couldn't make them stop hurting you. Is it worse that I know? I'm so sorry, Johanna. I would have done anything to stop them." I babbled.

"At least you…couldn't see it," she said.

I could tell that this fact gave her back some measure of dignity, and for that I was grateful.

"I wanted them to stop!" She continued. "I really did! So much. Please believe me that I wanted them to stop!"

She sobbed as fresh tears ran down her cheeks.

"Oh course you did," I said shaking my head in confusion. "I know that, Johanna." Then it hit me; she was ashamed. That shame somehow made her feel like she had to tell me that she hadn't wanted to be violated.

How sad, I thought. What a terrible weapon this is to use against a person.

"Johanna, what they did was absolutely not your fault. They did it because they could and because they are incredibly cruel. You did nothing wrong…nothing."

Johanna paused, apparently letting the words sink in.

"But even if that's true, nobody will ever want me. Not after that," Johanna whispered.

I sighed deeply, knowing that it was likely to be impossible to dissuade her from her opinions because in the short-term shame is always more powerful than rational thinking. I tried anyway.

"It doesn't change who you are, Johanna. Or what kind of person you are."

Then I thought about how I might be the only man she talked to about this for some time.

"I don't think of you any differently. Any man worth anything will understand that what happened to you isn't your fault. He'll still love you _and want_ _you_. I promise. He'll wish it hadn't happened to you for certain. It'll make him feel protective of you – but that's all."

"I'm not so sure about that, Mellark. You are kind of…different."

Johanna gave me a smirk, relieving the intensity of the conversation.

"Not that different," I said smiling.

"You're the only one around here who I'd let see me like this!" Johanna muttered as she wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.

"I know."

"I'm sorry I called you a mutt," she added.

"I know that too."


	43. The Test

The trainers issued no advanced warning when it was time to take the exam. Nobody expected that they'd make me take it except for Vick, but Vick was right. Fortunately for our entire training group, Gale had told Vick what to expect during the exam process. Vick described it in detail but focused primarily on the individual skills test.

"The individual skills test is the part of the exam that focuses on your weaknesses. It's the one a friend of Peeta's didn't pass," Vick explained as he gestured in my direction. "She's really tough, but they exploited a terrible fear she had and used it against her," He continued.

"I can vouch for the fact that my friend is tough as nails, and they did zero in on her fears," I said sadly. "It was so bad that it landed her in the hospital."

Some of the other recruits squirmed uncomfortably where we sat on the grass eating lunch. Vick and I looked at each other. Vick's classically Seam gray eyes looked sad, but I knew he agreed that it was better for the other recruits to know what they were about to experience.

The one recruit I was convinced would pass this exam was Vick. It wouldn't matter what he was put him through. I was just as certain that I would fail. After all, such common triggers as explosions, trees, bees, peacekeepers in uniform, green surgical scrubs, IV bags, and swords could send me into episodes sometimes. Although my reactions varied widely there were so many trigger that I knew something was bound to send me on a downward spiral eventually.

I thought about my many weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Which one would they choose? Maybe they would choose more than one.

Vick Hawthorne didn't trust District 13 although he never said it directly. I was grateful for how they'd tried to help me rather than simply imprisoning me or executing me after I tried to kill Katniss, but I didn't trust them either. Delly was not as gracious in her attitudes towards 13 as I was, and she told Vick about her feelings too.

Vick had taken more than a passing interest in Delly. He was a little younger than Delly but only a year or so. Plus, Vick had had to grow up fast just like Gale.

"So what's going on with you and Vick?" I asked Delly one day.

"What do you mean? We sit together at dinner just like most of the people I know from District 12 that are about our age. You should try joining us again, Peeta. It's kind of fun."

"No thanks and you are changing the subject. Are you and Vick…more than friends?" I said smiling.

"Umm"

She paused, and her face turned bright red.

"I'll take that as a 'yes,' Delly." I said as I jabbed her arm with my elbow.

"He'll probably leave for the Capitol soon anyway," she said as she sadly looked down at her hands where they were folded in her lap. "He's another person I may never see again. They take everyone away from me."

Unfortunately, I hadn't thought about how talking about Vick might upset Delly since he was being trained for the invasion.

"If it makes you feel any better, he's the best in our group. Being a good soldier must be partially genetic. He'll be in a command position before he knows it if the war goes on very long. Vick will be safer as he moves up in the ranks."

Delly nodded.

"He respects you, Peeta."

I laughed.

"Why would he do that? He sees me lose it every other day."

Delly rolled her eyes.

"He knows_ why_ you do that though. He knows what you've been through for Katniss and all of us. I'll never convince you of what you really represent to other people, will I?"

"Not if you keep insisting that I'm some kind of hero." I smiled just a little.

No, hero status was not something I deserved, but it was sweet that Delly insisted on trying to help me feel better about myself. She was a good friend.

What Delly said about me ran through my mind as I waited to take the exam. One by one the members of my training group left the room. I was last. Vick patted my shoulder when the trainers called his name. He wished me good luck. I knew he wouldn't need any, but I wished him good luck anyway.

Perhaps the trainers knew that if I had to be removed from the training area unconscious I'd disrupt the exam for others following me. Maybe that's why I was last. In any event, waiting so long gave me more time to fret over what was about to happen.

As the door to the exam area clanked shut behind me I saw that the streets of the Capitol had been reproduced in amazing detail. The very sight of it was enough to send cold chills down my spine.

I'd heard about this replica from Vick, but it was so real that I truly thought I might be hallucinating. My commander and squad appeared behind me. The commander was my trainer, but the others were strangers who probably worked in the exam area every day. The commander shouted orders about seeking cover and I followed them. Then he motioned for all of us to move forward and take the next block. All the soldiers playing the roles of the squad members and I followed his lead.

Peacekeepers appeared firing automatic weapons. All of us instinctually hit the ground. One member of my squad fell to the pavement with a thud though, and fake blood appeared all over his shirt. He even made an effort to sound like he was in pain. One of our fellow squad members crawled on his stomach towards the wounded man and tried to assist him.

_I don't think I can do this_, I thought. _This is too real. Then again, are they going to expect me to do this for real? In the Capitol?_

My squad members and commander were returning the peacekeepers' fire while I was looking back at the wounded soldier. I joined them. A group of peacekeepers took refuge behind a trash receptacle. I thought it was odd that they'd gather like that rather than fanning out. I spotted an overturned bench near me crawled over to take refuge behind that.

My commander signaled me to use the grenade in my procession, moving his finger in an arch and then pointing to the trash receptacle. He could have tried it himself, but I was much closer to the trash receptacle. Even after my imprisonment and time in the hospital, I'd regained upper body strength quickly. It was just how I was built and one reason I'd been a good wrestler. He was right that physically I could easily hit the peacekeepers by lobbing a grenade.

I pulled the pin, but _then_ I hesitated.

_Body parts,_ I thought frantically_. There will be body parts everywhere…Darius! I can't do this,_ I said to myself. _I'd rather die._

Of course, hesitating was probably going to mean the death of my commander as well as me. The explosion might even reach some other members of the squad. I reminded myself that this test was a fake battle, but it didn't feel fake.

I couldn't let go of the grenade. It might as well have been glued to my hand.

"It's not just you out here, Mellark! Throw it! We're all going to die if we don't take them out!" My commander shouted over the mayhem.

My stomach lurched as I threw the grenade. I knew as soon as it left my hand that it would reach the target. I sighed deeply as I ducked behind the bench to take cover once again.

The explosion was realistically deafening.

I shook all over even after the explosion.

Refusing to look over the bench I waited. My commander gave the signal to advance. I reluctantly took my gun and followed.

My heart raced as we quickly made our way up the block. The only route apparent was through the alley were the trash receptacle had been. Of course, only a portion of it remained after the explosion. There was no enemy resistance to our advance. As we walked through the alley I vowed to look straight ahead. I could still see the peacekeepers lying across the ground looking as bloodied and dead as the administrators of the exam could make them.

_At least they didn't leave some of them alive and suffering as would almost certainly be the case if I'd really thrown a grenade, _I thought.

Then I noticed a soldier who lay face down in a rebel uniform among the dead. My curiosity was peeked and I started to look down rather than strictly ahead. The members of my squad were sweeping the sides of the alley with guns pointed. Some were looking upward for snipers while I stared down at the dead. I grew closer to the dead rebel and noticed that behind him was a slight figure in a dark uniform. Clearly female, she lay face down too.

Reaching down, I thought I'd surely fall over or get sick. I reached out and touched the woman's shoulder. I could feel her; she was definitely not a hallucination. Her black uniform was accented with small white feathers at the arms, and I touched them too. They were distinctive and nobody else in the army would have them on a uniform besides this woman. They weren't practical, but they weren't meant to be. This girl I'd just "killed" was our Mockingjay…my love…Katniss. At least that's who she was supposed to represent. The peacekeepers had gathered to guard her. She was a prize to be protected and delivered to Snow, no doubt.

My worst fears rolled into one neat package: Katniss had been captured, and I'd killed her.

I sat down on the ground beside her, trembling and unable to move forward with my squad. I hadn't felt so overwhelmed in weeks, but there was no stopping the disorientation once it started on this replica battlefield. By the time my commander reached me, I must have looked awful because even though he was a hardened soldier he didn't even yell at me to keep going. He just shook my arm and called my name as if this test had already abruptly ended.

"You all right, Mellark?"

When I didn't answer he continued, "It's over. She's not really who you think she is."

Indeed, maybe she never had been.


	44. Family

_I haven't had a single good night's sleep since the Victory Tour. On the first night back, I awoke at 2 am after a nightmare in which Cato killed Katniss at the Cornucopia in front of me. So I opened my bedroom window and pushed my bed as close to it as I could. The autumn air was crisp but not cold. Because of the curve of the road through victor's village Kitniss' bedroom is visible from mine even though her house is three doors down. I wanted to hold Katniss and make sure she was all right. Instead I had to settle for staring out the window and letting the cool breeze blow over my face as I lay trembling over fears for her safety. _

_Katniss has almost certainly been waking up terrified at night too, but I'm not there to comfort her. Hopefully Prim and Mrs. Everdeen have noticed and helped her. Maybe Katniss and Prim climb into one of the big beds in their Victor's Village house like they did back in the Seam. I wonder if an ever-present sister's love could replace my loving arms wrapped around Katniss. Would it be just as comforting? I suppose it depends on how Katniss really sees me. I certainly don't know that! _

_After a particularly sleepless night, I arrive at the bakery early. "Early" for a baker is really, really early! I work at the bakery every day for a few hours because it keeps me occupied. Unlike when was younger, I do only the tasks I enjoy most. Graham, Papa, and Becki focus on the ones I'd prefer to avoid. What they don't know is that the reason I avoid certain tasks is that they require a kind of concentration that my exhausted and distracted brain can't muster these days. This morning I'm frosting cookies with simple swirling designs, and that is positively therapeutic for me._

"_Hey, Peeta. How long have you been here?" Graham says when he arrives. I can already hear the concern in his voice._

_He's asked me several times what's bothering me. I give him vague answers that he doesn't accept._

"_I don't know," I answer honestly. Time starts to lose meaning after too much sleep deprivation._

"_Where's Becki?" I ask._

"_She wasn't feeling well today."_

_I look at him, a little panicked._

"_It's all right, Peeta. I think she just has a cold. She's taking it easy because of the baby. Besides, you being here today lightens our work load. Thanks."_

"_No problem. You can always ask me to stay longer if she needs to rest or if there's a problem with Mama or something." I say as I begin frosting another cookie._

_Graham takes the frosting tube out of my hand gently. I am surprised because I didn't see him walk up beside me._

"_I want you to tell me what's wrong," he says firmly. "And don't try to tell it's nothing."_

"_I'm fine."_

"_Fine? Peeta, I'm your brother. You don't look well. What's wrong? Are you sick? Is Katniss okay?"_

"_I'm not sick. And I'd be the last to know if Katniss is okay or not."_

"_Oh," Graham says. The implications hit him slowly. "Wow. I'm sorry Peeta. So, you aren't together?" _

_He pauses before asking, "What happened? Did you break up? Or is it that you can't really break up because of the Capitol people?"_

"_I'm not even sure that we were ever together, but we can't publicly break-up for sure," I confess._

_Graham pulls two of the bakery stools over and pats the wooden seat of one to encourage me to sit down._

_I surrender to the conversation. He is my brother, and maybe I will sleep better if I talk about what's happening._

_I'm unable to tell Graham that his life is in danger and that Katniss and I have been trying to save the lives of our loved ones by making everyone believe we are both madly in love with each other. _

_It won't save his life for him to know that, I think. If the Capitol wants him dead then he'll be dead. Telling him will only make him worry._

"_You still love her, don't you?" Graham asks as if he already knows the answer._

_I wrap my fingers around the seat of the stool the way I always do when my mother ridicules me here in the bakery. _

_Graham's eyes grow sadder when I don't answer._

"_Come stay with us, Peeta. Maybe you'll rest better with family. We'll help you through this. Becki and I know what it's like to have to pretend." _

_Not like this, I think. The threat looming is much more sinister than Mama's anger this time._

"_That's a nice offer, but even though I'm not really with Katniss…"_

_I stammer over my words, swallowing hard before I can finish, "I want to try to protect her and help her any way I can. I don't want to be that far away."_

"_Peeta, I've never seen you quite like this. I don't know what to say."_

_Just then Mama walks in and looks at us crossly._

"_What are you two looking so sour about?" She inquires._

_I pick up the frosting tube again and begin frosting the next cookie without answering. I no longer feel obligated to answer Mama when she's trying start an argument. Being at the bakery is optional for me, and she knows it. If she decides to chase off free help by irritating me, then that's her own fault. Graham's poverty means that he's not so fortunate. He needs to be here to earn sustenance for himself and his growing family. I've told him that he could easily live off some of my winnings as a Victor, but he won't allow me to give him much. Most of what he's accepted are items purchased for the baby._

"_Graham, answer me."_

"_Peeta was telling me about all the troubles they are having planning the wedding. Mama, you have such a sense about these things. Maybe you could call that woman from the Capitol, Effie Trinket. Katniss doesn't care about the wedding planning. You could tell the Capitol people what Katniss and Peeta would want." _

"_Oh, so the Seam girl has no sense of or interest in style? That's not surprising," Mama mutters in my direction. _

_I shouldn't have taken the bait, but I couldn't help it. Protecting Katniss had become second nature to me._

"_I'm going to leave if you say anything else that's negative about Katniss, Mama."_

"_It's my bakery. I'll talk about whomever I wish, however I wish. I still can't believe you are going to marry her, Peeta. You're a Victor. You could marry anyone, why her?"_

_Graham turns around to mouth "sorry."_

_I shrug._

"_She saved my life, among other things."_

"_And what an embarrassment that was, having your life saved by a 5'3'' woman who might weigh 110 pounds soaking wet. It's humiliating if you ask me. It'd be better for you if the whole country forgot about it."_

_I squeeze my hands against the frosting tube so hard that the tube beakss open, and frosting oozes between my fingers._

"_Would you have preferred that she leave me to die?" _

"_I'd have preferred it if you didn't sound like a screaming school girl when she turned you over by the riverbank. I'd have preferred it if you killed her instead of letting her convince you to swallow those berries! I'd have preferred it if you came home with both legs instead of trying to prove how much you love a gray eyed Seam girl!" _

"I'm your son. _How can you say that?" I ask through layers of mounting shock and hurt. _

"_You're her fiancé. Go home to be with your Seam whore! That is, if she's home. She might be in the woods someone else."_

_I freeze, unable to respond in any meaningful way. _

"_Mama!" What in the world do you think you are doing?" Graham yells. "For heaven sakes, he looks like he hasn't slept since he's been back. He needs our help, not your…your disdain for who he is! For what he's done! For what happened to him through no fault of his! The Capitol didn't turn him into a monster, and that's a very good thing!"_

"_Don't be so sure about that, Graham. Monsters come in many forms. Besides, maybe that Seam girl is the source of all his troubles. If that's the case then dumping her would solve them."_

"_Forget it, Graham. I know where I'm not wanted," I say as I toss the frosting tube in the trash and I pull off my apron to leave._

_I turn back to my mother and start to say something, but she's already kneading dough._

_/_

_I'm groggy the next morning when I hear the desperate knocks on the door. Sleep has eluded me for so long, and now someone was disturbing it._

"_Peeta! Peeta!" Becki's frantic voice repeats. _

_I had to deal with my leg before I could run to the door and fling it open._

"_It's your mother," Becki says breathlessly._

"_What about her? If she wants to tell me what a disappointment I am again then I'm not available." _

"_You just have to come with me," she begs. _

_Not being in the habit of arguing with pregnant women, I slip on my jacket and walk out the door with her. Fortunately, I'd fallen asleep in my clothes anyway._

_Becki is moving faster than I thought was possible for her at this point. _

"_What's wrong?" I ask as our boots crunch the dried leaves on the path from Victor's Village to town._

"_She's...sick."_

"_She was fine yesterday."_

"_A lot has changed since yesterday."_

_As Becki opens the door to the bakery I see Prim. _

"_What's going on?" I ask her._

_Instead of answering Prim pulls me into my mother's bedroom where I find Mrs. Everdeen and my father._

_My father looks up sadly._

_My mother is lying in bed with her eyes closed._

_I'm suddenly overcome with emotion. _

_Why doesn't anybody ever tell me anything? I think._

_Afraid, I turn to Mrs. Everdeen._

"_What's wrong with her?"_

"_What happened yesterday?" Mrs. Everdeen asks in her most serious and clinical tone._

_I hesitate. Telling Mrs. Everdeen anything in ear-shot of my mother would not be wise. I can't even believe that Papa let her treat Mama given Mama's attitude towards her._

"_Is she awake?" I ask._

"_No, we've tried to wake her up several times," Mrs. Everdeeen adds._

_I watch my father as he recoils at this statement of Mama's lack of awareness. He leans forward in his chair and starts wringing his hands nervously._

"_What happened yesterday, Peeta?" Mrs. Everdeen inquires again. "I'm not trying to be insensitive; I just need to know so I can try to take care of your mother."_

"_She said some terrible things about Katniss and me. You can ask Graham if you want to know what she said."_

"_Yes, Graham told me about that."_

_I wonder if Graham included the fact that my mother thinks I should have killed Katniss and called Katniss a whore! _

"_Then I left. I told her I knew where I wasn't wanted. Graham told my mother that she was being cruel. She was angry, but she seemed all right otherwise. She was kneading dough when I left."_

"_She took something," Mrs. Everdeen says. "I'm quite sure of it. I just don't know what. Do you know what it would have been?"_

"_You mean she did this on purpose?"_

"_It looks that way. She left a note." Mrs. Everdeen gestures towards a pink paper on the desk._

_I pick up the paper and read it as I slump into the desk chair._

"_Oh, my God." I whisper as I rest my forehead on one of my hands. "Don't ever let Katniss find out."_


	45. The Letter

_The paper is thick, not like the kind that's used in District 12. I brought her some of this paper from the Capitol. I wonder if she remembered that it was a gift from me. _

_My hand trembles as I try to read the letter. My eyes start to well up with tears, and I shake my head. My mother's neat and flowing script blurs before my eyes. _

_This is a suicide note. That's what Katniss' mother is saying. How is that possible? Mama was sure enough about killing herself that she sat down and wrote a note? It wasn't even an impulsive act? Even in the arena, I never considered suicide until Katniss put the berries in my hand. And that was different, so different. Why would my mother do this?_

_I wipe the tears away as subtly as I can. Mama's handwriting is perfectly even throughout the whole note. It never becomes shaky or messy. I'm kind of an artist, and I don't think I could do that under such emotional distress. It's heart-breaking to think of her writing the letter so carefully. _

_I read it very slowly._

_"To my family,_

_Being a mother is harder than most people think. I know I haven't been a good one sometimes_

_I chased Ethan away. It is acceptable that he doesn't talk to me, but I wish he would talk to the rest of you. Maybe if I'm gone he will._

_Owen, _

_You have been a good husband even when I was impossible. It couldn't have been easy to watch me do the things I've done. I know now that you loved me. Maybe you still love me. Either way, you've been loyal to me. I'm grateful. At least the children are grown up. Now you can just enjoy them. I know you already do. Take good care of our first grandbaby. _

_Please forget about me as much as you can. I served a purpose in your life, but that's over now. If you want to spend time with the first woman you loved or someone else, then don't feel guilty. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't even care what people think anymore. I hope you find happiness. I never let you be happy._

_Graham, _

_Becki is a nice girl. I can see why you love her. You probably shouldn't have married her, but I can see why you wanted to marry her. You were right to think that she'll be a good mother. I just hope you don't starve. I suppose Peeta will make sure you don't though. Take care of the baby and Becki. If she ever acts like me, don't allow it. Tell her how much I hurt you. You are a very wise man. I think you get that from your father and from the fact that you are always paying attention._

_Dear Peeta, _

_Graham is right. What I said to you today was awful. It was wrong to make fun of you for getting hurt in the games. Actually, I cried when it happened. I can't believe I'm telling you that, but I did. It's hard to see your child in pain. Maybe that's why I made fun of you for how you acted; it was hard for me to watch it. It's hard to know that you will always be reminded of the games because of your leg, and I'm sure it gives you trouble more than you say it does. _

_I do wish you'd won the games alone, but that probably wasn't possible after you got hurt. You needed Katniss, and for some reason you think that you still do. When it was down to just you and Katniss, I knew you wouldn't kill her. Graham says that's okay, and maybe it is. I'm not sure. I just wanted you to fight harder, and I knew you wouldn't. The only person you fought for was her. _

_Please don't marry Katniss though. I don't like where she's from or who she is. That's not all though. Most of all, I'd hate to see you spend your life with someone who treats you the way she does. I've treated you with no respect and almost no love. Graham and I talked about that today. I knew it deep down already, I guess. _

_You've always been the kindest, and you were the youngest. That made it easy to be mean to you when I was angry. She's mean to you too, Peeta. She's cold. Even though I'm that way too, I don't want that kind of wife for you. I know I've taught you that it's okay for someone to treat you badly, but it's not. It never was. I feel responsible. I am responsible, but please don't allow yourself to be hurt anymore because of me."_


	46. Too Little, Too Late

_The morning light shining through the stained glass windows in the mayor's house foyer casts eerie_

_shadows on the red carpeted floor. _

"_Here to see Madge?" The mayor's housekeeper asks me sweetly. She waves her hand towards the staircase. "She's upstairs in the sitting room."  
_

_I knew this might be uncomfortable, but I didn't expect to start feeling nervous in the foyer._

_Taking a deep breath, I start up the stairs. Madge is lying on the sofa reading a book._

_She looks up, clearly surprised to see me._

_In one sweeping series of movements she closes the book, jumps up from the sofa, guides me into the room and shuts the door._

_Madge stares at me with the same unwavering intensity that she's demonstrated every time I've seen since I returned from the Victory Tour. _

"_Are you here about my advice?" She asks._

"_No. Although I appreciate your advice, I can't follow it right now. Especially not right now." My voice starts to crack._

_Madge turns her head slightly and her forehead wrinkles._

"_What's going on, Peeta?"_

_I sigh and remind myself that Madge is one of my oldest friends. _

"_Remember when you told me your secrets, and I didn't tell you mine," I begin._

"_Yes," she says expectantly. _

"_You told me that sometimes things happen that are hard to watch?"_

"_Yes, sometimes. That's gotten much better over the past few months though."_

"_And later you said that there's a medicine that you and your father keep for that person; you said you keep it for emergencies to wake her up…"_

_Madge nods and puts her finger over her mouth to tell me to be quiet._

_I lean over as close to her ear as I can. Her hair still smells like roses._

"_I need some," I say._

_I pull away to look at her face and wonder what her reaction will be._

"_Why?" She mouths as she raises both her arms to signal the same question._

_It's clear that she doesn't want to talk out loud._

_I lean in again, my lips so close to her ear that they brush her earlobe. _

"_For my mother."_

_As I pull away again I see that Madge's eyes are wide with shock._

_Madge pushes the desk chair up against the bookcase and uses my shoulder to steady herself as she steps up onto it. Then she takes two books from the shelf. Behind them is a black bag. Madge's small fingers untie the string that closes the bag. Then she pulls out a syringe and a vial and pushes both of them down into the pocket of her dress. Madge carefully replaces the bag and jumps down from the chair. As we are leaving she looks back and seems to find something amiss._

_Running back to put the desk chair in the right place, Madge calls to the housekeeper, "I'm going to the bakery. Need anything?" _

"_No, Honey. Tell Mr. Mellark that I said 'hello'."_

_Madge and I walk as fast as we can without attracting too much attention. When we reach Mrs. Everdeen in my mother's room Madge presses the vial and the syringe into her hands. _

"_It's all I have. I hope it'll be enough." Madge says. She looks at my mother, and then back at me. _

_Madge takes my arm gently as Mrs. Everdeen starts to fill the syringe with the medicine from the vial. _

"_Probably better not to stay in here, Peeta. This medicine might make your mother seem frantic. I think it has something to do with it suddenly taking away the calming effects of the medicine making her sleep."_

"_That's right, Madge. This medicine reverses the effects of narcotics like morphling and sleeping syrup," Mrs. Everdeen explains as she calmly flicks the syringe with her finger and pushes a little of the liquid through it. "If a narcotic is what's making Peeta's mother sleep then this will wake her up in a hurry, but it won't be easy for her. Of course, we have to wake her up to save her life. She's not breathing deeply enough." _

_I look at my mother feeling guiltier than ever. _

"_I shouldn't have even come to the bakery yesterday. Staying away from my mother would be better. All I do is upset her," I lament._

"_Madge, why don't you take Peeta outside?" Mrs. Everdeen suggests._

_Madge pats my arm, and we walk down the hall to my old room where I sit down on my old bed and Madge sits on Graham's._

"_How did Mrs. Everdeen know I had that medicine for my mother?" Madge asks._

"_I told her I knew someone who might have it. I didn't mean for her to find out who it was. Don't worry though. Katniss says her mother can definitely keep a secret and is very careful about peoples' privacy."_

"_I'm not worried."_

"_I can't believe my mother would do this," I say as I look down at the floor. The scuff marks from where I used to slide my boots under the bed are still there. "She did it on purpose. It wasn't an accident like with your mother. She even left a note."_

"_I'm not so sure it's always been an accident with my mother, Peeta. She never left a note though."_

"_Oh," I pause. "What a sad thing to have in common...our mothers both wanting to die at some point."_

"_True. But it also means that I have some idea of how you feel. Whatever your mother did, it is not about you. It's about her. Just remember that. I know your mother is very hard on you, Peeta. Don't let her blame you for this somehow."_

_Madge waited. I was quiet._

"_What did the note say?"_

"_I think my mother was trying to say she was sorry for how she's treated me. She explained why she might have said some things she said yesterday. Yesterday she kind of made fun of my performance in the games, and she called Katniss a name. She was rather insensitive about the fact that I lost my leg in the games. Anyway, she kind of expressed some remorse for saying all that."_

"_What do you think about it?"_

"_I think she should have actually said she was sorry if she's sorry instead of kind of saying it."_

"_So she didn't say enough?"_

"_No, I guess not." I sigh. "I feel like I should be more forgiving though. I think she tried to say she was sorry. I really do."_

"_Peeta!" Madge said in a nearly scolding tone. "You've been forgiving her for a long time. You deserve a real apology, and as much as I feel sorry for your mother right now she is taking the easy way out by leaving you a note and dying! She needs to stay here and earn all the forgiveness you've been giving her!"_

_I put my elbows on my knees and ran my fingers through my hair before resting my chin in my hands._

"_I'm sorry. Did I say too much?" Madge asks gently._

"_No, you are probably right. I do wish she'd talked to me about this instead of writing it in a note. I bet she thought she couldn't talk about it. She probably wouldn't have been able to write it in a note if she hadn't been planning on being dead by the time I read it."_

"_So however this turns out, it's good that you know she's remorseful."_

"_Yes, I guess so."_

"_Peeta, I've always wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't understand what your life was like when you were little."_

"_It wasn't all bad," I say feeling embarrassed._

"_No, but as you once tried to tell me…sometimes it was really bad. And I wish I'd stayed with you and listened to you. I missed you."_

"_I missed you too."_

_There was an uncomfortably long pause._

"_Madge, you know that you'd never be safe with me. Even if I wasn't going to marry Katniss, I would never put you in danger by associating you with me. I'm a target. So is Katniss. So is everyone we love."_

"_I know you wouldn't put me in that situation, Peeta. Unfortunately, I'm probably going to be a target soon too. We all need to be very, very careful."_

_/_

_The medicine worked, but not as well as we'd hoped. My mother breathes deeper and responds more when we try to wake her up, but she's still unconscious most of the time. Mrs. Everdeen supposes that she must have taken a lot of sleeping syrup. She hopes that in another day or so my mother will be more alert. _

_I beg Mrs. Everdeen not to tell Katniss about my mother's suicide attempt, and she reluctantly agrees. I don't know how much Mrs. Everdeen knows about our relationship, but I'm sure she would believe that Katniss should know what's happening with her would-be husband regardless of how valid that role is. She probably thinks Katniss would want to know too. I simply don't want to burden Katniss with anything else._

_Graham and Becki look exhausted as they sit in the living room. Becki has her hand lying across her belly, a common way to sit for her these days. _

"_I should have left well enough alone," Graham says. "I was just trying to make her realize how mean she was being to Peeta."_

"_Graham, you didn't do anything wrong," Becki argues. "And you, Peeta. This business about it being better if you aren't around the bakery, that's not true. Your mother just worries about you when you're not here."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yes! You should have seen her during the games. She tried to hide it, but she was terrified. She still worries. She said that the videos from District 2 looked scary to her, like the people there didn't like you and Katniss," Becki continues._

"_I wish I'd known that," I say sadly. "I thought she wouldn't care at all if I died in the games unless I embarrassed her."_

_Becki sighs and closes her eyes. Her shoulders fall. Mothers hate thinking of the games, even ones who won't have to worry about them for 12 years. Or maybe Becki is thinking of my pitiful relationship with my mother. That's disturbing to a new mother too, I suppose._

"_Well, at least she thinks I'm poor but nice now. That's a big improvement over 'worthless,'" Becki says sincerely. "I thought we were making some progress. She seemed excited about the baby sometimes."_

"_She was," Graham adds. _

"_Why would she do this? This is just not her. She's feisty. She doesn't give up!" I say too loudly. "I'm going to go home." I say as I start to stand up. Graham and Becki stand up too._

"_No, don't go. Peeta, you shouldn't stay by yourself. You were under enough stress already," Graham says. "We can all stay here together."_

"_Go upstairs and try to get some sleep. We'll watch out for your parents. Then when you wake up one of us will try to sleep. It'll help Graham and I get more rest too." Becki adds._

_I think of how far away I'll be from Katniss. Exhaustion is a powerful force though, and it's taking over._

"_All right." I say. _

_Graham pushes his hand up in the air a few times and jokes, "Off to bed." _

"_What are you doing? Practicing for the baby?" I laugh. "Your baby will be much less compliant than me; I can assure you of that." I shake my head and make my way up the stairs. _

_Graham and Becki manage to laugh too._

_In my old room, I lay down on top of the quilt my mother made so many years ago. As a wide eyed child I'd watched as she spread our old shirts and pajamas across the table and cut them into precise rectangles. Running my fingers across the tiny stitches, I thought of the hours by the fire when she sewed and I played. I bunch a corner of the quilt up in my hands and remember how many times I clutched it while I wished Mama be nice again. What had I done wrong? Was it even about me? _

_For weeks Graham and Papa tucked me in under this quilt while my head ached and my stomach turned. Being eight and having your mother scare you and hurt you to that degree changes you. I loved her, but I never trusted her again. Papa and Graham were so worried, but Mama mostly stayed away. It wasn't the first time or the last time she hit me, it was just the worst time. And I still don't understand why she did it. Certainly it wasn't over a stupid cookie, was it?_

_Why did she say Katniss was like her? Madge said Katniss makes me sad. Am I so blinded by love that I can't see that Katniss is not good to me and never will be? Katniss can't express herself well, that much is certain. Will she ever learn? Will she bother to try? And even if she loves me, will she ever show it? _

_Amazingly, I fall asleep._

_I don't know how much time passes, but Becki soon shakes my shoulder._

"_Peeta, your mother is awake."_


	47. Confessions

_I'm always last: Last to be born, last to stand up to my mother, last to know Katniss didn't really love me, last to know how important our performance was on the Victory Tour, last to know my mother tried to kill herself and last to talk to my mother after she woke up. Graham and Becki think I'm made of glass, and they try to protect me right now. They can't protect me from what I'll feel when I see Mama though, and making sure I'm last only delays the inevitable._

_I sit down on the bed which is a violation of my mother's usual space requirements, but I don't care. She chose to try to leave me for good, and I think I deserve to be close to her right now if I want to be. _

_Her eyes are defiant and fiery. I can tell she's not pleased that we stopped her from taking her life._

"_Please don't ever try to leave us like that again," I say softly, still looking down._

"_I've already been made to promise that, but the others didn't put it so nicely," she replies in a begrudging tone._

"_Your father says what I did was selfish, but I was trying to save all of you from having to put up with me," she continues._

"_You are assuming a lot about how we feel about you that isn't true. We don't put up with you, but we do try to manage your outbursts. Trying to have fewer outbursts would make more sense than dying."_

"_Easier said than done," she says._

"_I'm sure that's true, but you can work on it. There's no reason to give up."_

_I stop talking and think about what my mother's done. The question of why keeps echoing in my head._

"_I know I shouldn't ask…but why did you do this?" _

_Guilt takes hold of me immediately. The question will relieve my curiosity but not her pain. I shake my head._

"_No, I'm sorry. That's really not my business," I say. I won't look at my mother because if I do she'll see the tears welling up in my eyes. She won't think her attempt at suicide warrants me crying. Expressions of sorrow are not allowed, but maybe that's changing because my mother starts acting in a way that surprises me._

"_Peeta." My mother says with more raw concern than I've ever heard in her voice. She actually pulls me closer to her. She says nothing about my tears when I look into her eyes._

_I lean over further and pick up her shoulders to hug her because Mama's pulled me halfway into a hug anyway. At first she resists, but then she lays her head on my shoulder and starts cry. Maybe it's just the sleeping syrup making her more open to affection._

_Mrs. Everdeen left some coffee mixed with herbs that we were supposed to brew for my mother to drink when she woke up a little. I knew Becki was preparing it. So I wasn't surprised when Becki creaked the door open. Her eyes softened when she saw my mother and me. She smiled hopefully, and backed into the hallway._

_Mama can't tolerate the closeness of hugging for too long though, and I sense that she's wiggling because she's uncomfortable. I lay her back down gently while she leans on my arms. It strikes me how small she is, or maybe it is just that I've grown up._

"_I guess you read my note," she says._

"_Yes." I take my mother's right hand and wrap it in both of mine._

"_Every time I was mean to you, I hated myself more," She begins. "You always went along as if nothing had happened."_

_I nod. That was true. Never wanting to let what she did change anything, I pretended I was all right if I could._

"_Do you remember when you were little…and I hit you…and you had to stay in bed for a few weeks?"_

_I sense a burning in my chest. Remembering that painful time in front of the person who caused it unsettles me._

"_Yes," I say softly. I can't stop myself from looking down again. The blanket on the bed is blue, just like my mother's eyes. To distract myself, I think about all the colors of blue I can mix when I get home._

"_That was the most terrible thing I've ever done in my whole life," she confesses. "And I did it to you, my own child. I will never forgive myself for it."_

_Her confession stuns me and gives me the strength to look at her again._

"_You should! Forgive yourself, that is."_

"_Why? I could have killed you. Graham said so, and he was right. For weeks you were sick. When you went back to school you couldn't remember things. Even the teacher was worried about you. You would go up to your room and lay on your bed after school. Eight year olds don't do that, Peeta. Something was wrong. I think you had headaches still, but you wouldn't tell Graham or Papa that. It went on like that for months, and it was my fault."_

"_I did still have headaches, but Papa got upset with you all over again when I said my head hurt so I stopped saying it. It's true that it was your fault, but I got better. Everything is okay now. I promise."_

"_I forgave you a long time ago," I add. _

"_You forgive too easily then," she says harshly. The harshness is directed at her though, not me. She doesn't believe she merits my forgiveness._

"_You forgive your fiancé too easily also." _

"_It's a very different situation, Mama."_

"_She doesn't treat you the way she should."_

"_Maybe she doesn't sometimes, but it is mostly because she doesn't know how. We are trying so hard. You have to trust me."_

_Saying too much about Katniss is a risk, but saying too little makes no sense either. It's a balance I'm afraid I can't strike._

"_So you are still going to marry her?" Mama asks. _

"_Mama, I can't talk about this. I love Katniss very much, and there are many other factors too. I want to marry her. Just try to be happy for me."_

"_Happy for you! You aren't happy for you!"_

_I sigh deeply. How can I ever explain this? I can't._

"_You cared more for her life than yours in the games!" Mama says "Why are you giving her your life now? You've done enough!"_

"_I didn't think of it that way. Her survival was what was important to me."_

"_She's the reason you were hurt so badly. You nearly died because you protected her! She didn't deserve what you did for her!"_

"_Do any of us deserve it when someone makes a huge sacrifice for us?" I ask her. "Katniss risked her life for me too. Besides, I wanted to do something good with what was left of my life. I was convinced I'd die in the games. Katniss had a chance to win. You said so yourself."_

_My mother's face falls into a frown, and I know for sure that I've said too much. She'll shut down emotionally in a matter of moments. _

"_I'm tired," Mama says._

_And there it is. Just as quickly and unexpectedly as my mother opened up to me, she closes again. I can only hope there will be more chances._

_/_

I heard Vick and Delly talking: words about numbers, locations, prayers, promises, and letters.

"I'll miss you so much," she said. "Come back to me."

My eyes fluttered open as his lips reached hers. Vick's hands held Delly's arms for a moment, and then he moved one of his hands to the back of her neck and the other to the back of her head as if he couldn't get enough of her. I held my breath to keep from ruining their moment.

I turned towards the wall to give them some privacy, but they must have heard me.

"Peeta!" Delly exclaimed. "You're awake!"

"Vick, when do you leave?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," He answered.

It seemed so fast; no wonder he and Delly wanted to spend every minute together…even minutes when they were watching after me.

"I'm not surprised you passed. You are great at everything they asked us to do in training," I told him. "It's no great shock to me that I failed miserably either. I knew I couldn't handle that test."

Vick was quiet. He looked at Delly strangely and then back at me.

"But Peeta, you passed," he said.


	48. The Assignment

[AN: Quotes in the italicized portion of this chapter are direct quotes from Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. Credit for all quotes goes to her. The Hunger Games is hers. I just love writing new stories about the world she created.]

"Pass? How could I pass? I fell on my knees in the middle of the battlefield and blacked out because they made me think I'd killed Kantiss. How can that be a 'pass' on the test?" I asked Vick.

"I don't know," Vick answered with increasing concern, I didn't even know what happened. I just saw a number stamped on your hand."

"What number?" Dally asked grabbing my wrist and searching for the mark that would indicate I'd been assigned to a military unit.

"Vick!" She scolded. "Why didn't you mention this?"

"I thought you knew. Didn't they tell you that Peeta passed?"

"No, they didn't!" Delly said.

"Well, I've been a little distracted Delly," Vick said timidly, and I sympathized with him. He was still young. We all were. And falling in love and going to war _were _distracting to anyone. "I'm sure he's assigned to something far from the battlefields. Maybe some work in a field command area. Maybe they are just going to do publicity work with Peeta."

"They didn't train Kantiss to do publicity work! She just did it! I don't like the sound of this, Vick." Delly fretted. "I'm calling Haymitch."

As Delly left, Vick looked at the number on my hand.

"Oh, Peeta," he said in a worried tone, "That's not just any unit, it's Gales unit."

My heart sank.

"…but that means it's Katniss' unit" I stammered.

Delly returned fuming about how she'd never understand District 13.

"Don't worry, Peeta. Haymitch says he'll talk to Plutarch," she continued. "Maybe Vick is right, and they've assigned you to something that will be safe."

Vick and I exchange knowing glances.

Safe for whom? I wondered.

/

Although he appealed t to Plutarch, Beetee, and anyone else who would listen; my assignment didn't change. The order to send me to the Capitol and assign me to Katniss' unit had come from President Coin according to Plutarch. So Haymitch appealed to her too, but she wouldn't even consider the matter further.

On the morning I left district 13 Delly appeared devastated. She'd given up on stamping her foot and yelling at the doctor. She knew there was nothing he could do to change the situation. Delly hugged me and whispered encouraging words about what to do if I felt like I was getting sick.

"Be careful. Don't let them leave you behind, Peeta." She said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

Her brother was still alive, but Delly knew that he'd been in at least one battle already. Vick was probably just reaching the Capitol. I hugged Delly several times and thanked her for all she'd done for me. I held her head against my shoulder and thought of the day she brought me the notes from school when we were eight. "You are a good friend," her note had read. "Everything is going to be okay." I would take those thoughts with me, the hope of a child.

The transport train is packed with soldiers. I'd been warned that we'd pass through District 12, and when we did I thought my heart burst with grief. My home was nothing but gray ashes. There were still fires burning, probably because of the coal that permeated everything. Even the merchant district had always been covered in a fine layer of coal dust which then was swept into ever crevice in every floor and tracked about by peoples' boots.

I hadn't talked much with the other soldiers on the train even though all of them certainly knew exactly who I was. They kept their distance either out of respect or because they knew I was crazy. As I stared out the window at the parts of the former merchant district that were visible from the temporary depot that District 13 had built, the man standing beside me laid his hand on my shoulder.

"You're Peeta Mellark, right?" He says.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry about this." He said as he gestured towards the window.

I nodded but couldn't find the strength to speak.

"I just wanted you to know that I appreciate what you've done for us, and I'm sorry they did this to your district. That's the kind of thing we're fighting to end, you know?"

I nodded again and looked down at my uniform. For the first time I felt like a rebel. Given the chance, I would fight the Capitol with what little fight was left in me. Maybe I was about to get that chance.

/

I tried to sleep with my head on my pack, but I couldn't turn off my thoughts. Seeing District 12 was overwhelming. My memories of the time after the Victory tour but before the Quell were most prominent.

The road between Victor's Village and town had been visible from the train. Victor's Village was still there which I hadn't known before this train trip. I thought of Katniss, and the conversation we had on that road that could have changed our fate. If that night had gone differently we might never have been sent to the Quell, and I might not have been captured. My mind would still be whole.

/

_On my way to my parents' house in the snow I ran into Katniss. My mother had recovered from the overdose and was trying hard to build bridges with all of us instead of constantly destroying them in fits of anger. I was elated by what was happening with her, and I found that nothing could really get me down in the face of all this hope for a good relationship with my mother. Even my worries about marrying Katniss were abating. Even though I still worried about whether or not she loved me, my faith in us was growing. I knew she cared for me very much, and that counted for something._

_So when I saw Katniss, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I was thrilled, and I decided that was okay whether she liked it or not._

_I'm always amazed how Katniss can look attractive in anything, whether it's an evening gown or hunting attire. This evening she looks like she's spent all day in the woods. I do wish she'd stay away from the woods though. I know she's happy there, but being there is illegal._

"_Been hunting?" I ask. _

"_Not really. Going to town?" She asks._

"_Yes, I'm supposed to eat dinner with my family," I say. When I say "family," the word fills me with pride._

"_Well, I can at least walk you in." She offers. _

_I'm surprised because Katniss usually avoids me, but I'm always happy to have her company. _

"_Peeta," she says, "if I asked you to run from the district with me, would you?"_

_I think of Madge and how she and Katniss spend time together sometimes. I wonder if Madge has also talked to Katniss about running away from the district just as she's talked to me about it. Unsure, I keep my responses vague. I take Katniss' arm to let her know I'm taking in every word though. She stops._

"_Depends on why you're asking." _

"_President Snow wasn't convinced by me. There's an uprising in District Eight. We have to get out."_

_I consider what she's saying. We failed on the Victory Tour, that's what she's saying._

"_By 'we' you mean just you and me?" I pause. Realizing that can't be true I add, "No. Who else would be going?" _

"_My family. Yours, if they want to come. Haymitch, maybe."_

_I think about who she's not mentioning._

"_What about Gale?" _

"_I don't know. He might have other plans," she says incredulously._

_I shake my head._

"_I bet he does. Sure, Katniss. I'll go."_

"_You will?" She says like she can't believe I've agreed. What does she expect me to do, I'm hopelessly in love with her and we're obviously all in terrible danger here in District 12 now that there's an uprising. That's exactly what Snow promised to punish us for._

_Then I consider what leaving will mean. I wonder again what Gale is planning. Would he join a fight against the Capitol? Madge said something big was coming…a revolution. Katniss wouldn't be able to resist being a part of it. After all, she's the one who pulled out those berries._

"_Yeah, But I don't think for a minute you will," I say._

_She pulls her arm away from my gentle hold._

"_Then you don't know me," she says with a twinge of anger. "Be ready. It could be any time." _

_She walks away, and I follow her._

"_Katniss," I say. She keeps walking, and I regret questioning what she might do or not do. When will I learn just to listen to her when she's like this? The truth will always come out in the end anyway if I just wait._

"_Katniss, hold up." _

_I catch up to her as best I can without slipping on the ice. I'm so much more unsteady on my artificial leg than I had been on my natural one._

"_I really will go, if you want me to. I just think we better talk it through with Haymitch. Make sure we won't be making things worse for everyone." Of course, I personally want to talk to Madge too. We need to explore all our options._

_Then I hear a sound that made my pulse quicken. _

"_What's that?" I ask as I take a step towards the sound. It's coming from the square._

_It's a whistling sound and an impact, not unlike the sound of the belt my mother used to use to "discipline" Graham. This sound is louder and harsher than that though. There is a collective gasp from a crowd with every impact. With Graham I was the only one there to gasp._

_I turn to Katniss. She looks bewildered._

"_Come on," I say._

_The crowd is large, and I can't see over it. I step up on a crate to get a better view. Reaching down, I start pulling Katniss up beside me. Then I see Gale. He's the one being beaten! _

_Oh, no. I can't let Katniss see this, I think._

"_Get down. Get out of here!" I tell her as I jump down from the crate. I'm pleading with her. Her association with Gale will only mean trouble for him and perhaps her as well._

"_What?" She asks._

"_Go home, Katniss! I'll be there in a minute. I swear!" I plead with her, but I should have known that would only peak her curiosity and fear._

_She pulls away from me and moves through the crowd. Her size and agility mean that I can't catch her as she weaves her way amongst the people around her. I can only pray she stays back and is not noticed by anyone who would harm her._

_The man in the head peacekeeper's uniform raises the whip again, and I cringe for both Katniss' and Gale's sakes. _

_I hear Katniss scream, "No!" My heart races. I watch helplessly as Katniss flings herself over Gale. Taking a step forward as if I'm close enough to block the impact myself, I close my eyes tightly to try to minimize the horror of the whip hitting her._

_Nothing can really make it better though, and as I hear the whip's impact I'm overcome with rage._

_Haymitch has joined Katniss now which gives me some hope that Katniss won't receive another lash. I make my way through the crowd. As I approach Katniss I hear the head peacekeeper tell Haymitch that Gale was poaching and ask what business it is of Katniss' if he punishes Gale._

"_He's her cousin." I answer. I take Katniss' hand, aching for her at the sight of her cheek where the whip hit her. "And she's my fiancé. So if you want to get to him, expect to go through both of us."_

**_[Thanks for reading. Even though I've cotinued to get some really positve feedback, I'm kind of down about my story. :( So if you have time to encourage me a little or give me suggestions then please do. You can PM me or write a review - either way it is appreciated. If you have constructive criticisim then please share that too - it may be that my discouragement is there for a reason.]_**


	49. Reunited

The shock on the faces of the members of my unit showed when they saw me. Katniss displayed the most disturbed expression. Gale followed as a close second. His eyes glanced at my gun and then he glared at me with protective ferocity. Although Gale had been generous to me at times, his loyalty was always to Katniss first and foremost. Actually, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way given the situation. Gale would do anything to protect Katniss, even kill me. I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.

Boggs, ever the professional, examined my hand to make sure it said "451." Then he relieved me of my weapon and went to call command. I knew they wouldn't listen to reason.

"It won't matter," I told him, "The president assigned me herself."

I admired him for trying though. If this unit didn't include Katniss, I'd be honored to have Boggs as my commander. It did include Katniss though.

Seeing Katniss set off a wave of emotions I wasn't expecting. What I expected was confusion and anger. Instead I felt that familiar tenderness, and there was nothing painful about it except that it was not reciprocated. I'd felt that tenderness to some degree even when I choked her though. Flashes of happiness ran through my mind: kissing her in the cave, pressing my fingertips against her soft skin on the train, feeling her hand accidently brush against my body, taking her hand in mine while we stood in the waves, dancing with her at countless parties, and laying her down in the sand. She seemed to care for me so many of those times. If only we could go back.

She didn't have to be my girlfriend; I only wanted her to be my friend. Well, that's not what I wanted, but I'd settle for that. Like Johanna said, there are many kinds of love. Couldn't' she find at least one kind that could be applied to me? Then again, many people knowingly hurt those they claimed to love. I'm not capable of that. At least I wasn't before the hijacking. When I loved someone, all I wanted to do was love them. And I wanted was to love Katniss. She had never let me love her though.

"Hey, Peeta. How are you doing?" Finnick asked cordially.

I was glad to see him and smiled.

"Okay, considering the situation."

"I thought you might like this," he said offering me a piece of rope.

Confused, I took the rope cautiously. It was not a very long piece of rope, but I was surprised he gave it to me since it was long enough to wrap around someone's neck.

"It's for tying knots," he said. "Tying knots helps me relax. You got anything you do to help you relax like that?"

Thinking hard, I couldn't come up with anything. Certainly I'd developed ways to cope with stress and anxiety, but none of them were as simple as tying knots. The simplicity appealed to me.

"Not really. Not like that. I used to bake, draw, and paint, but it would be hard to do most of that out here."

Finnick laughed, kicking a rock with his boot.

"Yeah, it would be."

Finnick started teaching me some knots, some of them seemed familiar but I couldn't remember ever learning them before. Finnick laughed at some of my attempts but soon enough he'd taught me to tie two types of knots correctly.

"Peeta, do you ever feel like you are…bad? Like worse than other people?"

"Yeah, every minute of every day of my life," I answered with a touch of irritation.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Mainly because I tried to choke Katniss. It probably started before that though."

"And why do you think you choked Katniss?"

I sighed. Was I really going to have to prove that I understood this again?

"Because I was programmed to do it during the hijacking."

"So why do you feel so guilty about it?"

"Because I love her, and I hurt her so much."

"I love Annie."

"I know you do," I said wondering how that related to me and Katniss.

"And I slept with countless other people when I was dating her because President Snow threatened to kill people I cared for if I didn't. Do you think I'm bad the same way you think you are bad?" He continued.

"No. Of course not. You were trying to protect Annie."

"She didn't know that at first though. The first time it happened while we were dating, she thought I'd cheated on her. It hurt her so much, and she refused to tell me what was wrong for a long time. We didn't speak for months."

"Really?"

"Yes, but when she understood what really happened…really understood it…everything changed. When you choked Katniss, you were trying to protect…you. You thought Katniss would kill you, didn't you? You knew she would, and that's why you choked her. Am I right, Peeta?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I thought," I admitted.

"And who made you think that? President Snow did. What happened to you and Katniss is not that different from what happened to Annie and me in some ways. President Snow made you do something you'd never normally do, and it hurt Katniss. It hurt her more emotionally than physically. I think once she truly understands all that, things will change.

"But everyone says I've changed and that I'll never be the same."

"Ah, well. Annie changed too. She was a different girl when I first met her, before she went into the arena. She got very sick after she won the games. Again, it was not unlike what recently happened to you. You are different than you were before the hijacking, but I can see some of who you used to be peaking through. Katniss will too. She still loves you, Peeta. I'm not afraid to tell you that because I know it's true."

Jackson called Finnick away, but he left the rope with me. I tied a few more knots hoping I wouldn't forget how to do it. I was a little humiliated when the other members of the unit were taking shifts to guard me, but I decided that if it kept me from hurting Katniss again then it was worth it. Since it was getting late, I decided to pitch my tent.

Then I saw katniss return from her walk with Boggs. She asked Jackson, our second in command, what time her shift started. Jackson hadn't put her in the rotation which obviously infuriated Katniss. I tried to ignore them as they argued. Finnick gave me a concerned glance and started helping me with the tent while keeping an eye on Katniss as her anger escalated.

"I'm not sure you could really shoot Peeta, if it came to it," Jackson said. I shuddered to think of any of them shooting me. They were talking of desperation measures though, and I knew that.

Katniss raised her voice even more, "I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts."

Finnick stared at me, waiting for my reaction. I went to the edge of our section of the camp, pulled the rope from my pocket, and started tying knots.

As my fingers manipulated the rope furiously, I still couldn't get Katniss out of my head. I wished that I could just leave, but there was no place to go.


	50. Fear

My thoughts racing, I fought off images of hurting Katniss all night…thoughts of killing her at times.

_What__ if I kill her?_ I thought. _What if I wake up and strangle the life out of her without even being aware of what I'm doing? Oh, God. Please don't let me kill her._

Pulling the sleeping bag up to my shoulders, I allowed my leg to fall asleep under me because I was afraid to move any more.

The part of my brain that lies right under my forehead started to feel tingly just like it sometimes did when I was tortured with the venom, and I considered it a warning that another violent image was about to flash into my mind.

_Stop it! _I told myself._ Focus on something else. You're safe. She's safe._

It didn't work.

I buried my face in my hands, my palms becoming wet with my tears because I knew it was going to be awful.

_Katniss is pleading with me, and the pleas are like those I heard from Johanna when she was attacked just outside the cellblock. Katniss knows the name of her attacker though. It's me. She cries out just like Johanna did. She begs me to let her go and leave her alone. I don't listen. I overpower her anyway because I don't care. I am completely devoid of compassion for her._

As the images became increasingly intense and brutal, I lost more sense of myself.

It can't be me doing this…it must be a monster…a mutt, I thought. That's what I am now.

_The words I say to Katniss only make sense in the context of our relationship. I justified it all. The Capitol gave her to me, but she won't conform to her role as my wife. This should have happened long ago! Not only that, she's lead me on a thousand times. I deserve this. It's her fault. She's toyed with my emotions one to many times!_

I pressed my fingernails into my palms to try to feel a physical sensation stronger than the emotional agony. My hope was that my efforts would confirm for me that what was happening in my head wasn't the truth, but the technique was only partially successful. I rubbed my head harshly where it continued to tingle on and off. Nothing helped. I readied myself for the most disturbing part of the vision.

_There's no doubt about what I'm doing. I'm taking away Katniss' choices over her own body, taking what she doesn't want to give me. There are tears running out of the outside corners of her eyes, over her ears, and into her dark brown hair. I stare down at her, seeing the shock and hurt in her eyes for the first time. _Suddenly_ I feel guilty…but it's much too late. _

As quickly as the terrible images hit me, they vanished. The remnants of the horror remained though. I was heartbroken. How could I even think such thoughts? Terrible thoughts! Whether tracker jacker venom induced or not, I could not live with them.

I jumped up and struggled to remove the sleeping bag from around me. Jackson appeared beside me, and Finnick pointed his gun at me hesitantly.

My face must have shown my anguish because upon seeing me Jackson's eyes narrowed with concern.

She barked instructions at me to sit down though, and I did. Then she came over to sit beside me as Finnick lowered his gun.

I couldn't stop myself from talking; the words poured out like water over the falls back home. My mouth could hardly utter what I _had _to say fast enough.

"They didn't give me one of those nightlock pills," I stammered. "I want one."

"I think this is why they didn't give you one." Jackson pointed to my trembling hands. "Those pills are only for if you are captured, and you might use yours at another time because of all that's happening to you."

She cast her eyes downward a bit once she'd said it. Was she thinking about how I was the one who really knew what being captured was like? What it could do to a person?

"Just give me one, please. Nobody will care if I take it no matter when I do it."

"You know I can't do that. Besides, we'd all care. Katniss would care too, whether she's willing to admit that or not." Jackson protested.

I began rocking back and forth which allowed me to stay quiet for the moment.

"Lie down again, Peeta. Rest." Although Jackson's tone was kind, these were intended as orders from my superior officer. So I did my best to obey.

I could feel my mind slowing, but it wasn't recovered yet. It was simply getting lost a little in the past. The place it went certainly was more pleasant than anything I'd experienced all night though.

/

_We haven't been back from the Victory Tour that long._

_There is a loud knock at the door in the middle of the night. I am stunned to find Katniss in just her nightgown and coat when I open it. I hurry her inside to get her out of the cold._

_"Katniss, you'll freeze to death out there in that! What are you doing?"_

_"Coming to see you, Peeta. Nothing else helps. I've tried everything."_

_"What do you mean?" I ask as I sit her down by the fire and remove her boots. The lower part of her nightgown is quickly becoming wet as the snow that is attached to it begins to melt. I dust the snow off her coat and hang it up._

_"Peeta, will you hold me tonight?" Her voice sounds desperate. "I know I shouldn't want it, and it's not fair to you…"_

_"Yes," I say, interrupting her._

_"What?"_

_"Yes, I'll hold you."_

_Her eyes soften; she's relieved. She's been afraid I'd say no. She tugs on my shirt and then pulls herself up so she is standing in front of me. Her breath feels warm on my neck._

_"Peeta," she says. She runs her fingers across my cheek. "You really are good to me. Sometimes I wish I was different so I could be what you need and want."_

_"You are what I need and want," I say slowly as I wrap my hands around her elbows. I'm too afraid of scaring her off to put them anywhere else._

_Katniss looks deeply into my eyes; she barely blinks._

_"You know that if I could be a wife, I'd consider being yours." She says._

_"I thought you were already going to be my wife."_

_"Well, yes. I guess that's true. It's just…if I were going to marry someone and have children with them for real, without the Capitol's input, it might surprise you to know that I'd want to consider doing that with you."_

_I genuinely smile._

_"That's one of the oddest but best compliments anyone has ever given me, Katniss."_

_She smiles._

_As we walk slowly up the stairs I wonder what we'll tell her mother and Prim in the morning. Technically, we are engaged. It would seem reasonable that we'd miss each other and want to see each other in the middle of the night. They probably knew about Katniss' nightmares and might suspect I had them too. Katniss' mother might understand our "treatment" for them._

_Pulling a shirt out of my closet, I give it to Katniss._

_It will be as long as her nightgown on her, I think._

_I sit down beside her on the bed._

_"We need to get you out of those wet clothes, Katniss."_

_She snuggles up beside me, clutching my arm. I notice how she is allowing me to see her vulnerability. She trusts me, maybe more than anyone. She might trust me even more than she trusts Gale._

_It reminds me of the night she was drunk, but she isn't drunk. She's just let her guard down like I'd hoped she would someday._

_I motion towards the bathroom. "It's all yours," I say._

_Katniss shakes her head. "I don't want to be that far away."_

_"Okay. I'll just turn around then."_

_I turn my whole body around and close my eyes as an additional precaution. Once she finishes changing we snuggle underneath the covers and hold each other tightly. She feels so good. I'd almost forgotten the pleasure of feeling her soft body in my arms, the bliss of running my fingers through her hair, the elation of brushing up against her lightly when one of us moves. I recognize that she'll know something of how she's affected me tonight. There is no nightmare in these moments to distract her from my reactions. I don't care much though. The truth is the truth. Besides, she'd come to me. Maybe she would marry me, and maybe it would be for real._


	51. Games We Play

As much of unit 451 sat around a fire the next day, my spinning head came up with questions so fast that my mouth couldn't ask them fast enough. So many questions! When the answers weren't forthcoming I sometimes couldn't contain my frustration.

"Slow down!" Mitchell said with a touch of frustration.

Jackson gave him a stern look.

I kept talking, interrupting really.

"It's hard because there's so much I want to ask …" I answered, speaking too fast and too desperately.

Jackson came up with the game. The rules were simple: If I wasn't sure whether something was true or not, I could ask. If the members of my unit knew the answer, then they would answer "real" or "not real."

"My family's bakery made strawberry and cheese tarts, real or not real?"

"Real, I think. I never ate one," Gale said "I did sell your father plenty of strawberries, and I think I saw…"

Before he could finish, I'd posed another question, "Katniss likes cheese buns, real or not real?"

"Real or not real!" I repeated impatiently when nobody answered immediately. Katniss wasn't there to answer. She avoided me if she could.

"Real, I think. You made them for her didn't you?" Gale asked. He turned to Jackson, "Why does he have to get so upset?" He asked her.

"Not sure, but I don't think he can help it," she answered.

"You were whipped in the square in District 12, real or not real?" I asked Gale.

Gale glanced downward and scratched the ground with a stick that he was already holding.

"Real," he said. "And you helped stop it actually. That's what I heard anyway."

It went on that way for a few hours until I'd exhausted everyone and my mouth was dry from talking so much.

We ate before I spoke to Katniss. I was sitting by the fire, finally quiet. The others appeared to be trying to leave the two of us alone while still keeping an eye on us.

"I suppose you want to play this game with me," Katniss said quietly, sounding unenthusiastic.

"Only if you want to help me by playing it. Otherwise I can go back to asking Gale about home."

"No, that's okay. I know that you have more important questions than where people bought their soap in District 12. Incidentally, I bought ours at the Hob. Your mother probably bought yours at the general store though."

"The Hob. That was a little like a black-market, right? No, I bet my mother didn't go there," I said as I felt the corners of my mouth lift slightly. I imagined what my mother would say about soap from the Hob.

These were the calmest moments of the last twenty four hours, yet Katniss was there with me. I wouldn't have predicted that. The peace was short-lived though. Katniss nursed wounds of her own, and the conversation started to reveal them.

"You miss her, don't you?" Katniss asked.

It was what one of what I like to call Katniss' "emotionally clueless" questions. Anyone else: Delly, Haymitch, or even Gale would have known the answer without asking. Not Katniss though. How could she have been so important to me if she understood so little about me?

"Yes, I miss her…and all of them. I loved my family very much."

"You think I killed them, don't you?"

"No, not now. Not for a long time, I guess. Besides, the others just confirmed why Snow bombed District 12."

Katniss shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry…that they died," she stammered. "Sometimes I feel guilty that your whole family died and mine lived. I'm glad my mother and Prim lived, of course. I just wish your family had survived too. You've paid a bigger price than me in all this, Peeta."

My thoughts were with my family. Katniss didn't seem to be expecting an answer from me, and I was grateful for that. We sat silently for a few minutes.

When I had recovered a little from the sadness of thinking of my family, I threw caution to the wind.

"You liked letting me hold you on the train. Real or not real."

I kept my tone neutral, my voice as emotionless as possible.

She sighed, but she didn't appear angry.

"Real."

Staring at her face, I noted the tiny lines at the corners of her eyes. They demonstrated more strain than a girl her age should have had to endure. Perhaps her occasional vicious statements and her willingness to say she could shoot me were rooted in those worry lines.

"You wanted me to kiss you. There on the train. While we were alone. Not just in front of other people or for the cameras. Real or not real?"

Katniss blinked her eyes very slowly.

I've scared her, I thought. I went too fast.

"Real," she whispered, and I distinctly heard her voice catch.

"I wish I had. Fear stopped me. Fear that you'd reject me and tell me I couldn't hold you like that anymore."

She started to cry very softly.

"I'm sorry," I said. Her tears made me far sadder than I would have imagined they could. I reminded myself how confused I was about her though. She meant more to me than I could remember she did.

"I've been thinking about these things, and I just had to ask you about them. That's all. I can stop now. Sometimes I can remember what happened but not how I felt or how I interpreted how you acted. Other times I can only remember how I felt but not exactly what happened," I added.

"If it helps you then it's all right to talk about any of that. I want you to help you, Peeta. You would help me if I'd been hijacked. All I've done is ignore you and insult you, and that was wrong."

I gently wiped a tear from her cheek with my trembling fingers, then another. It felt natural, like I'd done it many times before.

"You asked me to run away from the district with you? Why did you do that?"

"Because we had to get out. Snow was going to hurt us, maybe kill us."

"And why didn't we go? I can't remember exactly why."

"There were many reasons."

"What were they?" I asked.

She paused.

"Can we go back to the "real" or "not real" game? It's easier for me to answer questions that way."

I nodded, pretty sure I knew the answer to my 'why' question.

That night passed more easily. I dreamed of some of the answers I'd gotten that day.

/

_I'm in the bakery helping customers and decorating a few cookies with blue frosting for Graham and Becki. I want them to be able to give them to friends who come to see the baby, and I'm going to pay Mama for the cookies so there is no controversy._

_When Papa told me that Becki was in labor, I went to be with Graham. I knew he was nervous about the birth. For the first time, I was happy that Katniss didn't want to have kids! I couldn't imagine seeing her have to go through that! Although I never saw Becki, I could hear her._

_The worst sounds were the ones that sounded like groans but contained a sharp scream somewhere within them. Just when Graham would relax, the scream would make him jump. It broke Graham's heart to know Becki was in such pain. I felt so sorry for both of them, especially Becki. At one point my mother went in to be with her, and Graham said Mama was surprisingly supportive._

_"Mama doesn't even speak, Peeta. She just rubs Becki's back and holds her hand. She helps her move any way the midwife tells her to move. I'm supposed to do all that. Somehow I can't, but Mama communicates with Becki on a level I can't even understand."_

_I was amazed that Mama and Becki were communicating at all during such a stressful time for Becki, but Mama had delivered three babies. Maybe this was the first time Mama felt like she could truly relate to Becki. Maybe this finally made Mama understand that they had circumstances in common._

_After many hours, I heard a high-pitched cry. It sounded loud and weak at the same time. The midwife proclaimed the baby one of the healthiest she'd seen in a long time._

_"He won't have much trouble staying warm," she'd said. "He's not skinny like so many of our babies. Just hold him close and cover his head with a hat," she told Becki. "Graham, you did a good job making sure Becki got enough to eat."_

_Graham beamed with pride._

_I watched as an exhausted but delighted Becki held her son._

_Graham passed the baby to me long before I expected to be allowed to hold him. Though I loved children, I was clumsy. Being the youngest, I hadn't held many babies._

_The baby's eyes were like Becki's, a light gray. They had the rounder shape of Grahams' though. What little hair he had was a dark blonde. He was small, but the midwife claimed his size was perfect._

_While everyone else was busy, I quietly promised my nephew that as long as I lived he'd never be hungry, cold, and impoverished like most of district 12. He sucked on his hand and stared at me in response. The ability to make and keep those promises represented one of the few pleasures I derived from being a victor._

_What I couldn't promise him was that he'd never be dropped into an arena to fight for his life. I thought of what Madge had said about the Capitol and somebody needing to stop them from killlng children. I was not a revolutionary, but my heart had never burned with more hatred of the Capitol as when I thought of them putting my nephew in jeopardy. There were some things worth fighting for...worth toppling governments for._

/

The next day command gave our unit an actual mission. Everyone seemed pleased, but the mission involved going into the streets of the Capitol. All I could think of was the test. My trainer explained to me why I'd passed it before I left District 13.

"You followed orders. You correctly used all the weapons. You sought appropriate cover," he'd said.

"But I stopped in the middle of the battlefield," I countered.

"Ah, but you would have kept moving if your life depended on it. Besides, we weren't scoring you on that."

"What about Katniss? I broke down because I killed her!"

"Yes, but that was appropriate too. Your doctor said the healthiest response would be you being upset, and you were. Had you been thrilled that you killed her then we'd have known that the hijacking was in control, but _you_ were in control Peeta. Weren't you?"

I sighed. He was right. That was _me_…the _real_ Peeta.

But could I stay _me_ during an actual mission in the actual Capitol?


	52. Real

**[AN: I think you will really like this one! Let me know what you think! Who knows, I may be wrong.]**

Broken glass! Smoke! Gunfire!

It was just like the test, but even more real. It _was_ real.

When the bullets started flying, I froze until Finnick pulled me down.

"Peeta, you're going to get shot!" He warned.

Katniss was somewhere in front of me.

_The grenade,_ I thought_. I killed her during the test with a grenade. _

I didn't even have a grenade, and I was certainly glad.

Just as I started to realize I had to be a real soldier to survive this mission, the gunfire stopped.

The smoke began to clear.

The _camera crew_ announced that they needed close-ups.

I turned to Finnick.

"Are you trying to trick me? I have enough to be afraid of without fake battles! I want to get out of here. I want to go home! Except I don't have a home! Thanks to her!" I pointed to Katniss who was laughing with some of the other members of the unit.

"Calm down, Peeta. You know none of this is her fault. You said so yourself yesterday. Everything is going to be fine. This is just a publicity shoot…a propo," Finnick consoled.

I watched Katniss as she reenacted her part of the "mission." I knew what her real mission was, to kill me!

_What a liar,_ I thought. _She's acting, just like she did when she pretended to love me"_

Everyone started laughing as she and Mitchell finished "acting."

_They are laughing with her_…at my expense. I thought._ She's telling them all the ways she's tried to kill me before; I just know it! She's making fun of me because she knows I still love her!_

_/_

Her words of condemnation echo in my head…

"_You're going to go to sleep, Peeta. You're not going to wake up. It's for the best though. It's supposed to be this way. This is why I'm here. I have to kill you."_

_"I can do whatever I want, Peeta. You are so weak. That's what love does, it makes you weak. That's why I don't love."_

_/_

"Pull it together 451!" I heard Boggs' say.

Then, without any warning, an explosion boomed through the block.

Blood! Blood and body parts littered the ground.

_Darius, _I thought. _Like Darius._

A few anguished sounds escaped Boggs' lips. His legs had been blown off by the blast. I looked down at my own fake leg.

Turning, I saw that Finnick was trying to revive an unconscious Messalla.

Then Finnick began running towards us.

I turned back in another jerky motion and saw Katniss carrying Boggs away. He screamed in agony.

I remember her making me scream like that…in the cave!

/

_"You're going to die, Peeta." She said. "I'm not going to kill you though. That'd be too easy for you. I'm going to stay here and watch you die." _

_She took a firm hold of my wounded leg causing me to gasp. Then in one quick motion she pushed it down mercilessly against the cave floor and twisted her hand and fingers into the wound. I screamed a dreadful scream._

_I tried to catch my breath as I held my leg above and below the wound. As I looked down, I could see that she'd loosened some of the skin that was previously intact. I craned my neck upwards, trying to regain my composure and swallow the pain._

_/_

_She's hurting Boggs now, just like she hurt me then. _I thought.

I looked down at my bad leg again.

_No!_ I thought! _I can't let her do that! Not to me again. Not to anyone else!_

I ran towards Katniss grabbing her and pulling her backwards and to the ground. She was so small, so light. Why was I so afraid of her?

I turned her so she faced me, wanting to see the fear in her eyes.

My gun contained only blanks. No doubt she made sure of that so it would be easier to kill me eventually. I had another plan though.

I raised my gun above her head with both arms. My hands shook violently, and I had to wait a moment to get a firmer grip on the gun. I felt that tenderness towards Katniss that never really went away, but I pushed it down inside me.

_I have to do this! _I concluded. _Somebody has to stop her!_

Pushing the gun down with both arms as hard as I could, I thought about how she'd be gone in moments. Dead. Forever. If the first hit didn't kill her, there would be another.

Before I could register what was happening, Katniss rolled to one side. My gun slammed into the pavement rather than her head.

There were arms and legs everywhere, holding me down. One of the men managed to pin me down.

I remembered the restraints! My wrists, my ankles, my waist, my chest.

_"This is going to get intense, Peeta," The woman in green had said when I was in prison._

_They're going to torture me here too! _I thought._ They'll give me more of that venom…that shoots lightening through my body and makes me afraid to trust anyone. It'll make me see things that aren't there..terrifying things. I can't go through that again! _

I used my arms and legs to push the man who had me pinned off of me in one swift movement. He flew upwards, but instead of just falling to the ground he was caught in some kind of net.

More blood.

I covered my eyes for a moment.

When I opened them I saw a black cloud. It was filling the streets quickly, blocking out all light.

_"Touch it,"_ Johanna's words reverberated in my mind, "_Whatever you see; touch it."_

Ignoring the advice, I backed away from the blackness.

_"Touch it, Peeta. Whatever it is, it's not real." _

I took a step towards the blackness. Then several more. I reached out to touch it, but it was still too far away.

Someone grabbed me and pulled me down the street and away from the black cloud.

"Stop, let me go! It's not real! It's not real! I can prove that it's not real!"

Having been confined in prison and then in the hospital so many times, the feeling of being unable to move freely was intolerable to me.

I was pulled across the floor of an apartment, and a woman I recognized as Jackson handcuffed me.

Struggling harder, I kicked my legs and flailed my arms. I could still hear Boggs' suffering even though he was quieter.

Katniss was with him.

"Please leave him alone," I muttered. "Please. Just let him die in peace. Don't torture him, Katiniss. " I muttered under my breath.

"What's that, Peeta?" Jackson asked.

I cringed and backed away from her, kicking at her.

The next thing I knew I was tossed into a closet.

I kicked the door repeatedly, trying to get out to help Boggs. I felt blood trickle down my arms as I inadvertently made gashes in my skin, trying desperately to open the closet door from the inside. Once again, I was trapped and helpless. I couldn't fight anymore, and my mind started to lose itself somewhere in the past. Though I felt guilty for leaving Boggs at the mercy of Katniss, I was escaping the pain of listening to him suffer at her hands.

**[AN: 52 Chapters! Wow! And you are still with me! ****In celebration of that fact, I going to choose one of you (the readers) at random and let you come up with a topic or prompt for a one-shot story that I will write for you and then share on . **** There are a few restrictions: T rating or lower, no villain POVs, No OOCs. AU okay unless it's **_**really**_** far off the original. The only way I have to identify you as a reader of this story is if (at some point) you have reviewed with your name, sent me a PM, added yourself to story alert, or added this story to favorites. If you want to be in the random drawing, and you haven't done any of that, you still have time. I will draw for the "winner" once the vast majority of readers have read Ch 52. Thanks again for reading!]**


	53. Loss

_Even at school the huntress moves lightly on her feet. She's across the lunch room finding a place to sit. _

_I'm fourteen, and I still haven't been able to talk to Katniss._

"_Peeta," Delly says teasingly from over my right shoulder, "What are you looking at, or should I say who you are looking at?" Delly giggles. "Do you think if I keep harassing you you'll decide to talk to her?" _

"_No, but I might decide to stop talking to you," I joke, turning to my friend._

"_Very funny, Peeta. You should tell a joke to Katniss."_

"_Shhh. Keep your voice down, Delly."_

_When I resume watching Katniss, she's sitting alone while eating some berries and bread. It's district bread like the kind people make at home. I wonder how many slips of paper adorned with her name will be in the reaping bowl this year just to provide bread like that. I know if I ever see her reaped I'll simply die right there in the square. Seeing her near death once in a lifetime was enough for me!_

_Katniss looks like herself again, not like the emaciated girl of two years ago who nearly starved. When she gained weight she developed curves that are hard for me to ignore when I see her pass me in the hallway or walk home from school. She walks with a quiet confidence I find irresistible, her braid bopping up and down on her shoulder with every step._

_I close my eyes so I don't get too lost in thinking about her...or maybe it is so I do get lost._

_When I open my eyes again, she's gone._

_/_

There were voices outside the closet door…I wanted them to go away. And they did when I slammed my head against the wall.

_Katniss' slightly almond shaped eyes stare up at me with such intensity that I envelop her in my arms before she is even inside the front door of my house. I can feel the contour of her body against mine as she trembles. _

_She only says one word, "Rue."_

_All I want is to make her pain stop. Whether or not Katniss wants to marry me seems irrelevant at times like these. The need we have for each other strips away questions about what we want. I wonder sometimes if her doubts would be swept away if Katniss would allow us to be together always instead of in fits and starts._

_Tonight is not the first time I've found Katniss at my doorstep in the middle of the night. It probably won't be the last time either. Katniss usually tells me her fears when she arrives, but I'm left to wonder what her thoughts are in the morning when the demons of the night have been chased away. What does she feel towards me? Regret? Gratitude? Love? _

_I guide her up the stairs as she mumbles about wildflowers and bread. _

"_There was a net…" she says, her eyes wide._

"_It's over, Katniss. You're here with me, Peeta." I remind her gently._

_She stops walking._

"_Peeta…poor sick Peeta. I have to keep him from dying." _

"_No, you already did that." I squeeze the hand I'm holding and wrap my other arm even more tightly around her body. We slowly ascend more stairs. "All you have to do is rest. I'll help you rest."_

_Whatever did this must have been one heck of a nightmare, I think._

_Once we arrive in my room I sit her down on the bed and kneel down to remove her boots. _

_Staying there, I take her hands in mine again._

"_Peeta's going to die!" she says as she stares blankly ahead. "I can't live if he dies!"_

_I swallow the lump rising in my throat. It's difficult to know how to feel about a statement like that. _

_As gently as I can I open her clinched hands and put them on either side of my face. She shivers before gazing down at me. _

"_Peeta," she breathes out in recognition. _

_I push down the longing for her to say my name like that again; like she's finally found something she's looked for all her life. _

"_Yes, and I'm fine. See." I press her hands against my face and then my shoulders. _

_She reaches one hand up to feel my forehead._

"_You're not sick." She says._

"_No, not anymore. You saved me."_

"_Good," she whispers, relief all over her face. Her eyes open and close slowly like a drowsy child's._

_I slowly lay her down on the bed as her eyes grow even heavier._

_Stopping for a moment, I sit down on the floor._

"_I have to stop sometimes because it's just too much to handle," I once told Graham. This is so much more intense than what I told him about back then though. It's not just about romance, every fiber of my being wants to rescue Katniss from what haunts her and then… I lay my arms over my knees and rest my head on them wearily. _

_From where she lies halfway sitting and halfway laying down, I hear Katniss stir again. Standing up slowly, I make my way to the bed and pick up her legs. She crawls to the far side of the bed and curls up tightly. Pulling my old quilt up over Katniss' shoulders, I lean in to let my lips graze her cheek. Then I crumple into the bed beside her, knowing I share her exhaustion. _

_Katniss sleeps peacefully beside me while I study the slight color variation of her eyelids that makes it look like she's always wearing eye make-up even though she's not. I move a stray hair from her sweaty forehead and hook it behind her ear. Even after all we've been through, good and bad, Katniss doesn't have to do anything to take my breath away._

_/_

Finnick's voice was nearby. "Na, I'll carry him. Wow. He's really out isn't he?" Yes, Finnick was right. I was. My vision darkened once again.

_My family is at the bakery. Graham is in and out of the kitchen checking on a large order we are baking. The baby happily lies in the crook of Becki's arm underneath a thin blanket while she nurses him. Mama, rocks in her rocker to the rhythm of the baby's gentle sounds. Papa studies the months' receipts. Then he binds the receipts together with a rubber band and places them neatly in the small wooden spice box that he uses for storing them. _

"_A good month," he says, "I have hope."_

_As the program begins I watch in awe as the pictures of Katniss in wedding gowns flash onto the screen. She looks amazing in each one._

_Graham smiles at me._

"_Peeta." He teases as I continue to stare. "The groom isn't supposed to see the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding. It's bad luck. "_

"_Since I don't know which one will be her wedding dress, it doesn't count!" I counter, never taking my eyes off the screen._

_Even though I'm not sure how Katniss really feels about marrying me sometimes, she keeps coming back to me. That is something. At least, I tell myself that it is. _

_My blood runs cold as President Snow rises to make the "special announcement." He always affects me that way. As he proclaims that victors will be tributes in the Quarter Quell, my state of mind degenerates into emotional chaos. I'm not the only one. Becki gasps and stands up abruptly. The baby, removed from his comfortable location, screams furiously. Tears quickly start streaming down faces. Mama takes the crying baby in her arms and rushes to my father. She's shaking like a leaf with fear or anger. I'm not sure which. Knowing my mother, it is probably both. Papa takes off his glasses and lays them on the table before burying his face in his hands, my mother and the baby draped over his shoulder. Graham freezes in the middle of the room, having heard the announcement just as he was going to check the ovens again. _

"_Peeta…" Graham begins hesitantly as if he doesn't even know what he's going to say._

_I don't wait for Graham to think of something. Instead I run out the backdoor and make my way to Haymitch's house._

_/_

I saw black gel on boots. Gale's boots maybe? Why didn't they just leave me? I can't even keep my mind on where we are. The dizziness takes over again.

_Walking through Katniss' backdoor at dawn, I toss some cheese buns and a few muffins into the breadbasket on the table. Every once in a while I like to shake things up a bit by offering the Everdeens something besides cheese buns! Buttercup startles me by jumping off a nearby chair._

"_Those aren't for you," I laugh as I scratch Buttercup behind the ears._

_Buttercup purrs loudly. _

_Katniss appears in the kitchen, dressed in the light-weight clothing from the Capitol that we've been wearing during training. _

"_Ready?" I ask as I take a bite of a muffin for myself._

"_As ready as I ever am," she replies._

"_Aw, don't be so glum. Wait until you see the sunrise out there," I say pointing to the window. "The colors are lovely. The weather's nice too. It's a great morning for a run."_

_I lob a muffin at Katniss, and she manages to catch it._

"_See, you're awake. You're even thinking fast," I tell her, a grin breaking across my face. _

_Katniss rolls her eyes._

"_Has anyone ever told you that you're overly cheerful in the morning, Peeta?" _

"_Yeah, it's been mentioned." I shrug. "But you want your baker to be a morning person so you can have fresh bread when you finally drag yourself out of bed."_

"_I don't get a chance to drag myself out of bed anymore because somebody requires that I get up at the crack of dawn to train!"_

"_You'll be thanking me…soon."_

_The gravity of the comment hits me too late. Katniss grimaces._

"_By the way, I added some extra sessions with Gale about snares on Sunday." I said, trying to get back on the subject of training and not why we're training._

"_Oh, no. I'm done on Saturday evening. You're the only one who needs more help with snares."_

"_Katniss!" I scold._

"_Peeta!" She mimicks._

_Every time I think about why we are training I panic and add more training sessions to the schedule. Katniss then bickers with me about why she should not have to do any more than she's already doing. Then Haymitch takes the opportunity point out that he needs alcohol if he's going to be expected to put up with our "lovers' quarrels." Katniss usually scowls at one or both of us and stomps away. She's always back soon though, trying not to let me down. It's a vicious cycle, but it keeps us somewhat sane. By focusing on the details of training, we can avoid the brutality of the truth temporarily…at least one of us is going to die._

_Sometimes we do let Haymitch sleep through the morning run. It is easier to train without his grouchy snide remarks, but I always make sure he is training by mid-day. There is no other choice. What if he lies to me and volunteers for the Quell even though I've tried to make sure he won't. He'd be in the arena with Katniss in that case, and he'd have to be prepared to protect her life._

_Katniss stops running for a moment, leaning over and panting for breath._

"_Peeta. You'll be the death of me! Let me rest!"_

"_All right. 5 minutes."_

_We sit on the edge of Victor's Village hidden by the large bushes that surround it. Katniss' eyes appear gentle but that could simply mean that she's tired._

_Actually, it's easier when she's angry with me now. I can't afford to let any relationship whether it is a friendship or romance blossom between us at this point. Katniss has to survive! For that to happen, I have to die. Any attachments to me will only make surviving harder for her to accomplish. _

_So spending the night wrapped in each other's arms is no longer an option no matter how many nightmares we have. Comforting her comes only in the form of words now. When her eyes are gentle like this or she accidently touches me, the whole predicament is immeasurably more depressing to me…and maybe to her too. Katniss' mother observes us sadly. She seems to know that we're distancing ourselves from each other and for what reason. If anyone would understand, she certainly would. _


	54. Darkness and Light

Katniss wouldn't listen to reason! Maybe when it came to me she couldn't see reason. Of course, it wasn't Katniss alone, nobody in 451 seemed willing to leave me behind or kill me as a solution to our dilemma.

While I didn't remember attacking Katniss, I saw the footage on the television when I first woke-up from my mental haze. In fact, the broadcast of the explosion that killed Boggs was the sound that tore me out of the episode.

I never hated myself more than when I saw what I'd done. The murderous glint in my eyes, how I raised my arms so purposefully to kill her, and the stunned expression on her face were more than I could bear.

I wondered how many other people had seen this homicidal version of me. Delly, Haymitch, Katniss, Gale, Finnick, and Vick…they'd all seen me when I was having these episodes. Were all the episodes that out of control? What had I done? What had I said? Were people telling me the truth about them?

"Don't let them leave you behind, Peeta." Delly had said right before I left 13. She didn't understand what it would be like out here though. 451 _needed_ to leave me behind. I couldn't be trusted.

Delly would be horrified that I wanted a nightlock pill as well, but she didn't know what it was like to almost kill someone you loved…twice…without even wanting to do it. The knowledge that it could happen again at any time terrified me.

I wondered how the citizens of the Capitol would view my attempt to kill Katniss. Then I remembered what I'd said she'd done to me. How I'd gone on television saying that she betrayed me. Perhaps they would assume that my anger finally gotten the best of me. They were far more likely to trust Capitol produced propos than Rebel ones, after all.

In the end Katniss gave me only two choices for moving forward. I could either continue with my unit willingly or they'd knock me out and carry me! I chose to go willingly only because failing to do so would endanger everyone further. Besides, I didn't think I should be a literal burden to them as well as a figurative one.

Since our plan was to navigate the city from underground we squeezed through maintenance shafts to get to the great tunnels underneath the city. A dark world appeared to us as we dropped off the ladder that brought us to our destination.

Castor explained that Pollux had worked in the tunnels for five years as an Avox in the Capitol. I couldn't imagine being in this place for five years. Then again, I couldn't have imagined the months I spent in prison until they actually happened to me. Nobody seemed to know what to say to poor Pollux when it was revealed that he'd never even seen the light of day during that time, but Pollux's long years here meant he knew everything about these tunnels.

"You've just become our greatest asset," I told him.

Pollux smiled widely.

I noticed Katniss looking back at me as we continued to walk and wondered why. What did she think of me now that I'd tried to kill her twice?

The tunnels were too much like prison: dark, dank, foul-smelling, and confining. I started to feel dizzy again. I swayed to one side, my shoulder landing on the filthy wet wall which was only a few inches away.

"You all right, Peeta?" Finnick asked.

"This place reminds me of prison, that's all." I said, beginning to panic.

Finnick pulled the thin rope from my shirt pocket.

"Just hold this and touch it with your fingers. Remind yourself that you didn't have this rope in prison."

I nodded and wrapped my shaking fingers around the rope. Pushing my wrists against the handcuffs also grounded me, but I had to be careful not to hurt myself. Although I was mostly numb, I knew Katniss would be upset if my wrists were cut by the handcuffs.

"I can't do this," I whispered to Finnick as my anxiety continued to grow. The rope and the handcuffs failed to calm me enough. "You have to convince Katniss to leave me behind. I'll make it above ground somehow and go out on my own."

"No offense, Peeta, but you wouldn't last long. Your black-out episodes and the fact that everybody knows exactly who you are would make you an easy target. Besides, Katniss would probably be totally immobilized from worrying about you. We need her to be at her best."

I nodded, furiously twisting the rope in my fingers.

"Okay, okay…I'll keep trying…" for_ her_, I thought but didn't say it.

We traveled deeper and deeper into the tunnels. They were something like the mines back home. The mines had always felt like tombs to me when we visited them on field trips. They weren't a place for the living. Neither was this place. How many of us would ever make it out of this tomb?

Suddenly I heard a loud noise behind us and a wooshing sound.

"Get up here!" I heard Gale yell. He scrambled up to a higher tunnel and motioned for us to follow.

A wall of water was flooding our current tunnel. Finnick and I climbed up last and barely missed the water and sewage that passed under our feet.

Pollux pointed down another tunnel.

"He says that one is safest," Castor explained.

Katniss sighed.

"Alright then," she said.

I could tell she wasn't comfortable in this role. From what I clearly remembered about Katniss, she was a bit of a loner. Leading a rag-tag team through a sewer system didn't seem like her style.

We reached a transportation hub, and Pollux pointed out several triggers for pods. We managed to avoid active ones which would never have been possible without him. Even with Pollux, avoiding so many pods was a virtual miracle.

"Thank you," Katniss told Pollux as we exited this most dangerous part of the tunnels.

Pollux smiled proudly, reveling in the opportunity to assist the team.

I wondered if I'd ever feel that useful again. If Pollux could then maybe I could too.

We reached a monitoring station filled with gauges and computers. As Jackson set up watches, I found a spot on the floor near the entrance. The subtle sounds of the equipment were soothing. I quickly fell asleep, and I dreamed of how it could have been…how it should have been…

/

"_Peeta!" Katniss cries as she wraps her arms around me, burying her face between my neck and shoulder._

_I'm at District 13's hospital already, but I'm still wearing the filthy prison jumpsuit. I must smell like a sewer. Katniss doesn't seem to care though. Her soft lips brush my neck a few times._

_My heart speeds up. I wonder if I am dreaming…or hallucinating. _

_I gingerly run my hands up and down Katniss' back and then I pull her away from me so I can look at her. She certainly feels and looks as though she's real._

_Gale is sitting on the stretcher across from mine, and he gives me a crooked smile as he shakes his head._

"_I told you," he says quietly. _

_I stare back at him, feeling bewildered._

_Then a nurse jerks a curtain between us so we can no longer see one another._

_As I sit there, Katniss continues to lean against my chest and cry softly. _

_When the medic from the hovercraft arrives with the doctor, Haymitch has to pry her away so the doctor can examine me._

"_Let them look at him, Sweetheart. You want to make sure he's all right, don't you?"_

_The medic and the doctor help me remove the dirty jumpsuit so I'm sitting there in just my undershorts with a sheet over them._

_Katniss is still upset, and Haymitch's efforts to calm her fail miserably._

"_Katniss," I say gently. "I'm okay. Stop crying."_

_I try not to react to the sharp pain I feel when the doctor tells me to take deep breaths, but I wince when the doctor touches my side. Then I start coughing and can't help but show how much that hurts me. _

"_Just get a full battery of scans since we know they beat him," the doctor says. "He's going to need some antibiotics I think…lungs don't sound great…but we'll wait for the scans."_

_As soon as the doctor leaves Katniss has her arms around me again. Her hands gently touch my shoulders, my arms, my wrists._

_I've never seen her gray eyes so full of sadness. I'm confused at why she's so sad rather than relieved, but I'll find a way to make her happy._

_/_

_They let me shower and change into clean clothes before assigning me to a compartment near Kantiss, Prim and Mrs. Everdeen. I suspect that they want the three of them to keep an eye on me._

_There's no need now to distance myself from Katniss. For the first time since the reaping our lives are not immediately threatened._

_She knows I'm tired, and I crawl into bed almost immediately when I get to my room. I pull the sheet of my new bed up over me; it's so clean._

_Katnisss sits by me, watching._

_I move over as far as I can in the small bed and then I pat the space beside me while I stare up at Katniss._

_She smiles and lies down carefully. I know she's trying not to hurt my side._

"_Peeta."_

_My whole body tightens just from hearing her speak. She says my name that way again…like I'm something she's been looking for all her life._

"_I didn't know. Leaving you in the arena would never have been okay with me. I didn't know anything about their plans."_

"_Shhh. I believe you," I whisper so close to her ear that my breath tickles her. She raises her shoulder to stop the tickling and in doing so her face turns slightly._

_I sigh, close my eyes, and kiss her._

_She smiles under my lips and opens her mouth slightly. It's all instinct after that._

_The whole world fades away, and there is just Katniss left…and this feeling of elation._

_Despite how tired I feel, her warmth ignites whatever life is left in me._

"_I missed you so much, Peeta." She says between kisses, her voice deep and captivating._

_Our kisses go on and on. Katniss' breaths are heavy, but her touches are light. I loose myself in the sensations of her fingers against my skin._

_She runs her hands up and down my chest, and I sigh deeply. _

_When she moves her hands to my sides, I jump._

"_I'm sorry…" She begins as she starts to cry again._

"_It's all right, Katniss. I loved what you were doing up to then. The ribs will heal. You heard the doctor."_

"_No, I mean I'm sorry you were captured and that they did this to you. It should have been someone else…probably me. I'm the one who took out those berries." _

_She takes her index finger and runs it along the ribs on the other side from the broken ones. I know she is feeling them because she never could before, and it shows how much weight I've lost in prison. Was she punishing herself? _

"_What did they do to you, Peeta?" She asks slowly. "I want to make it up to you somehow."_

"_Katniss, you don't need to do that. That's not your job. Just be…my friend…or my girlfriend…whatever you want to be. I prefer the second option." I laugh and then wince as the laughing jostles my sore ribs._

_Katniss kisses my chest in response._

"_I'm so tired," I admit._

_She reaches one hand up and buries it in my hair. Then she kisses me._

_The next thing I know I'm falling asleep._

**_[AN: Our story winner hasn't contacted me back, and our alternative story winner doesn't have any ideas SO...that means that anyone who does have an idea for a one shot story can suggest it...making everyone a winner! If you have an idea, write a review (annonymous ones are OK) to let me know what it is. It would make me VERY happy to see lots of ideas b/c I really want to challenge myself. _**

**_Here's a few examples: (related to this story) What's Delly's point of view to one of Peeta's episodes? OR How did Peeta ask Madge on a date / what was one of their dates like? OR How does Haymitch feel about having left Peeta in the arena once he finds out about the Hijacking? OR You can also suggest something that has to do with my other story "Banana Nut Bread," something from the original books you've wanted to see expanded or a "what if" type of AU]_**


	55. Mockingjays

_Click! Click! Click!_

The sound the holo produced roused me from my pleasant dream. Katniss and Pollux studied it nearby. Soon Katniss sat down by a wall near me, her feet close to my head. Why she felt so safe with me after two attempts on her life, I didn't know.

Katniss asked me what I'd meant when I talked about "shiny" memories and how I knew that "shiny" ones were more likely to be false. I explained what I meant, and Katniss seemed to think I would be able to tell easily what memories were real and not real by using the test of whether the memory was "shiny" or not. If that were the case, my life would have returned to near normal long ago.

"Well that's good, isn't it?" She asked "If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true."

My "shiny" memories were personal though. They were not as easy to deem unreal as giant orange bubbles! That's what Katniss had seen when stung by tracker jackers…giant orange bubbles! Not only that, our lives had been so unbelievable since the reaping that it was hard to discount even the wildest tracker jacker induced nightmares as implausible.

"Yes, and if I could grow wings I could fly. Only people can't grow wings," I replied, "real or not real?"

"Real," she answered. "But people don't need wings to survive."

"Mockingjays do," was my only response.

Katniss encouraged me to lie down, and I did. I couldn't even close my eyes though; thinking too much, too fast. When Katniss reached over to touch my hair, I didn't know what to make of it. I just tried to relax and remind myself that she wouldn't hurt me. As she ran her fingers through it a few more times, I closed my eyes and felt my tight muscles unwind. Katniss touching my hair felt good and right. It felt like how it was supposed to be…how it had been at one time.

"You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real?

"Real, because that's what we do, protect each other."

I believed her, and soon I was falling asleep.

/

"'_Mockingjays' by Peeta Mellark," I say in front of the class. I hold my paper in front of me, reading my report on "something that flies" to the class. My eyes dart to Katniss. I know she likes them too…mockingjays, that is. _

"_Mockingjays are songbirds. They are gray, black, and white. Mockingjays are very tough and can live anywhere in Panem. They eat mostly insects and fruit. They can eat prey though: worms, grasshoppers, beetles, ants, wasps can all be meals for a mockingjay. _

_Male and female mockingjays make nests together in trees and shrubs. First, the male gathers twigs and begins several nests. Then the female chooses the one she likes best. Next, the male finishes building twigs into the nest she chose until it looks like a cup. Finally, the female lines the nest with soft roots, leaves, and grasses. The female lays white eggs that have brown speckles._

_Mockingjays sing most of the time. Often they even sing at night. Their nighttime songs can sound sad. These sad songs happen more if the mockingjay doesn't have a mate. In the day time most mockingjays sing happy songs. _

_Mockingjays love to copy the songs of other birds, frogs, and humans. They can learn hundreds of songs in a lifetime. Sometimes mockingjays teach each other new songs and all sing together. If you have a mockingjay living near you and you are very patient then you can teach it a song after only a short time._

_Mockingjays do not like other birds in the area they think should belong to them. So they chase other birds away. They even chase dogs and cats away sometimes!_

_Mockingjays fly leisurely or drop to the ground from a height suddenly. They often hop along the ground too. Mockingjays make sure they can be seen. They sit on fences, in trees, on power lines, and in other obvious places. Most people think they do this to show they own their territory." I say, reading my report._

_I notice that Katniss fidgets in her desk and taps her pencil eraser on the desktop._

"_Some people don't like mockingjays because they say they are annoying. Some people think they are mean because they chase away other birds. A few think they sing too much or too loudly, especially if they sing at night. Others don't like how tough mockinjays are. _

_Mockingjays are very stubborn. My aunt had one living in her yard once, and it sang day and night. She tried to get it to move away by scaring it with wooden statues of owls my father and I made for her. It didn't work. It's very hard to get rid of a mockingjay if you don't want it around."_

_I drop my paper to my side and look at my teacher._

"_Very good, Peeta," she says. "Very thorough. Let me ask you a question though. You said that some people don't like mockingjays. How do you feel about them?"_

"_I like them," I answer._

"_Why do you like them?" She asks._

"_I like how they sing all the time and how they appreciate good songs. I like that they are smart and tough; they have to be that way to live so many places. I think it's okay for them to chase other birds away if the other birds are near their nests or food. I was kind of glad when the wooden owls didn't work, and the mockingjay in my aunt's yard stayed!"_

"_So you like mockingjays for the same reasons some people dislike them?"_

_I nod my head._

_Katniss looks up from her desk and stares at me._

"_Very good, Peeta. That was an excellent report, and thank you for sharing what you think of mockingjays."_

_I'm getting an "A!" I think proudly._

_I start to go back to my seat._

"_Oh, wait," the teacher says. "Don't forget to show the class the picture."_

_I go to my desk and retrieve my drawing of a mockingjay. It's done with a pencil. Papa and Graham say it is very good. I return to the front of the room and show the picture to the class._

"_Very nice. Thank you," the teacher says._

_Several kids laugh, but I don't care. Katniss is still looking at me. That's all that matters. _

_Amazingly, Katniss is the next student called to present her report._

_She slowly makes her way to the front of the classroom._

"'_Honeybees'" she says softly, "by Katniss Everdeen…"_


	56. Momentum

_**[AN – this is a chapter where I have to say what happened in Mockingjay from Peeta's point of view to move my own story along. So, if you prefer the more original storylines, it may not be one of your favorites, but it's important! You will see more original storylines soon…esp. at Tigris' place and as Peeta separates from the group. This is also not a happy chapter, but don't worry...happiness is coming too! Some quotes in this chapter are direct quotes from MJ. Also, as always, credit for The Hunger Games trilogy goes to Suzanne Collins.]**_

_They are saying her name…with a hiss at the end of it. _

"_Kat-nisssss. Kat-nisssss. Kat-nisssss." _

_A command comes from nowhere. Still two syllables._

"_Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!"_

_I shudder. _

"_No, I don't want to!" I groan. "You can't make me do it! I won't!"_

_New voices join in…a chorus of them…murderous voices!_

"_Just stop…" I moan pleadingly. "Leave me alone. Leave her alone."_

"_Kat-nisssss. Kat-nisssss. Kat-nisssss"_

/

I startled and sat straight up from the floor, my mouth forming Katniss' name. I turned around and saw the target of the hissing voices standing over me. A glimmer of light reflected off the edge of an arrow that she had aimed directly at me. My heart sped up instinctually.

_She really is going to kill me, _I thought. _I don't care; let her kill me. It'd be better than what's coming to kill us all! She has a chance to escape though, if we all work together. _

"Katniss! Get out of here!" I exclaimed.

"Why? What's making that sound?" Katniss asked.

"I don't know. Only that they have to kill you. Run! Get out! Go!" I screamed. She hesitated and started discussing the possibility of running ahead alone in the hopes that the rest of us would be spared. I was about to try physically pushing Katniss out the door to get her started when the group began arming itself quickly. We entered the tunnels with Pollox guiding us away from the hissing.

We made good time until we heard the screams of dying avoxes. I pushed down the memories of Darius and silently thanked him for the fact that his horrible death was now a motivation for me to do everything I could to save my companions. If I knew anything it was that people who suffered wanted there to be some value in their suffering.

Katniss started arguing that she should go on alone. Finnick told her she was wasting time. In the chaos I heard the hissing change locations.

"Listen," I said.

I saw the terror on Katniss' face. She heard it too. The hissing was behind us _and _under us. We ran, and even Katniss didn't argue.

Moments later Katniss began gagging and coughing. Jackson ordered us to put our masks on, but I wasn't bothered by whatever hindered Katniss' ability to breath. She started to tremble, and I inched over. I wanted to be ready to catch her if she fainted. Before I got to her, she stumbled into the transfer.

Katniss tried to guide us through the dangerous transfer area by destroying threats along the way. She was amazingly successful until Messalla stepped on a trigger. A shining yellow beam shot up from below him. As the beam caught him I instinctually covered my head and backed away. Gales did the same. When we both looked up seconds later, Gale shot two arrows at the beam. I lost hope almost immediately. Messalla was melting away, dying quickly before our very eyes. The beam must have been some form of radiation.

I saw Katniss standing with Finnick on the other side of the beam, and a wave of panic gripped me. I'd learned in prison that sometimes you have to accept that you are no longer of any help to another. Sometimes, they are just going to die no matter what you do. For some reason, even after all she had been through, Katniss had never learned that. Fighting that beam wouldn't save Messalla's life. He was already gone, but Katniss was likely to try to fight the beam that killed him anyway.

"Can't help him!" I screamed. After pushing Gale and Jackson forward I ran to Finnick and Katniss to do the same to them. "Can't! Can't!" I continued to remind them.

We ran faster than ever until we were surrounded by gunfire. Everyone armed stopped and fired back. Since I was unarmed, I ducked behind a trashcan. By peering underneath it, I could still see what was happening.

What I saw made me gasp! Mutts! Lizard-like slithering mutts that hissed Katniss' name! They started decapitating the peacekeepers and speeding towards us, their claws scraping the ground noisily. Katniss called to us to follow her, and we did. Then she set off a pod that killed many of the mutts. I couldn't hear Katniss all the time, but she and Pollux appeared to be leading us to ascend a pipe. Then we had to make our way across a narrow ledge.

Pollux lead us to a ladder that would take us above ground.

But Katniss stopped. "Wait! "Where are Jackson and Leeg 1?" She turned around as if she was going to go back for them. I knew they'd bravely stayed behind to shoot at the mutts, but Katniss must not have known. My heart ached for her, and I wondered if she'd be completely immobilized by losing Jackson and Leeg 1.

As Holmes tried to convince Katniss that Jackson and Leeg 1 were already gone, Gale and the others began firing at the mutts who were reaching the bridge. Then Holmes and Katniss joined in. Katniss, consumed with destroying the mutts, didn't run when everyone made for the ladder that Pollux had pointed out. Everyone yelled for Katniss to come along, but she just stood there firing arrows at the mutts despite the fact that they'd quickly advanced.

Finally, I pulled on her shoulder with my handcuffed hands. Gale turned her around and firmly placed her hands on the rungs of the ladder, and to my surprise she started to climb. I pushed Cressida in front of me and allowed her to climb up too. Just like when we were 12 and I woke a starving Katniss after class, I hoped Katniss wouldn't even notice that I was part of breaking her trance. I followed Cressida quickly, determined to protect Katniss as best I could from whatever lay ahead.

When we reached a second platform Cressida stood guard while Pollux, Katniss, and I ascended the ladder. At the next platform, Katniss' eyes grew panicked while she surveyed the group. She tried to go back down the ladder.

"No, no!" I called to her.

Then I heard Gale's voice. "Climb!" He ordered her. Katniss started back up with Gale.

A scream I recognized as Finnick reverberated off the tunnel walls.

_Another one lost_, I thought sadly, _and what about Annie?_

"Nightlock, nightlock, nightlock," Katniss said softly before dropping the holo in the sewer.

The remains of the mutts and their victims rained down on us. I struggled to stay upright. Voices started to seem far away.

"We can't stay here," I heard Katniss say.

_No, I know I can't,_ I thought through the haze that usually accompanies my insanity. I sunk to the ground.

"Peeta?"

It was Katniss calling my name.

"Peeta?" She said again, pulling my hands from my face.

"Leave me," I whispered. "I can't hang on."

"Yes, you can," she said gently. It was that same tone she used in the cave when she wouldn't let me tell her goodbye.

"I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them."

I blinked several times, trying to see her clearly even though my eyes didn't seem to want to focus.

Then I felt her lips pressing hard against mine. The back of my head was forced against the wall. My body was trembling, but Katniss didn't stop. Finally, she looked at me. My eyes focused as Katniss' hands grasped mine.

"Don't let him take you from me," she said, begging me not to give in to this hopelessness. She didn't know what I knew though. A kiss would not cure what had happened to me.

I continued to shake as what I told myself were false memories tore through my consciousness.

"_I'm not going to kill you…That'd be too easy for you. I'm going to stay here and watch you die." _

_"I'll be glad you are dead, and I won't be the only one…You started out as a disappointment, and you'll die an embarrassment…"_

"_If you get to be close to me, you don't mind being used at all. It's happened a thousand times already."_

I looked up at her, but her image was still blurry. Was she using me? Was she keeping me with her for only her own selfish purposes?

_"You've never been able to resist me, Peeta. What makes you think you can now? Even though you know I'll be the death of you, you still come back for more."_

She really had used me. Hadn't she?

_I recalled feeling that way…she told everyone that we were trying to have a baby together to prove a point to Effie, and she wouldn't even let me kiss her in private. She probably considered marrying me a kind of punishment._

_On the beach in District 4 when I held her hand as we stood in the ocean she had a chance to say something…anything…to clarify her feelings…"Do you have anything to say..._ _Anything else, Katniss? Anything you wanted to say to me?" "No…" She'd replied, "Just that I'm glad you are here."_

_Then she mocked the torture I'd been through, "Yeah, we've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me." She'd said._

_When she said she could shoot me easily, she'd said I was a mutt! Maybe she changed her mind?_

_"I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts."_

I shuddered.

_Why do I love her?_

_Because in the end, she doesn't give up on me?_

_Because she is a survivor, and I can count on her to survive anything?_

_Should I stay with her?_

"No, I don't want to…"

I felt Katniss' hands nearly crushing mine.

"Stay with me," she said.

That broke me. Those words. I did want to stay with her. No matter what she was to me, I wanted to be in her life right now...to get through this with her. If only I thought she was safe!

She was wrong about me not having a choice; this was my choice. For all of those awful moments with Katniss….real and unreal…and they were awful…there were many beautiful ones. I still had faith that if Snow and the war were a distant memory, Katniss and I could be together…always.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"Always," I choked out.

She nodded, and a faint smile broke on her face before she turned to lead us forward.

I followed Katniss hesitantly, still a little dazed.

_She hasn't given up on me…despite everything. _

Making it through a utility door and into one apartment, I watched Katniss shoot a woman in the heart. I had no idea why she did it other than out of sheer madness, anger and terror.


	57. One Morning

The woman shot through the heart only took a few minutes to die, but I stayed nearby while she did. I never wanted anyone to die alone.

"I won't hurt you; I promise," were the only words I said to her. I lifted my handcuffed hands where she could see them. "See," I continued. Her eyes closed a minute or so later, and they never opened again.

Gale walked up behind me and leaned over the woman. Perhaps he wanted to make sure she was dead.

"Why did Katniss shoot her?" I asked him quietly.

Gale shrugged. "Not really sure. I think Katniss probably thought she'd alert the neighbors. It's over. This woman probably bet on whether or not you'd survive in the arena _twice_. Don't let her death paralyze you now."

_I'd lost count of how many people I'd watch die right in front of me. It was hard not to be paralyzed by it. I understood what Gale was saying. This was war, after all. Still, it was too much. This woman's life should have mattered more, just like the tributes' lives should have mattered more. The peacekeepers that Snow allowed his mutts to kill should have mattered more too. They were on his side even, and they didn't matter to him._

I looked down at the woman's ashen face and felt the need to sit down. I heard the others rummaging through the apartment. The trauma of the last hour or so finally caught up with me. As I stared at the dead woman's face, I blacked out again.

/

_The morning sun shines through the window of my Victor's Village house. It catches the auburn highlights that are scattered throughout Katniss' brown hair. She's right there beside me looking like a sleeping angel. I sigh softly and turn over towards the wall. _

_There are the usual desires that being so close to her bring. I ache to touch her and have her touch me. This happens especially in the mornings when the nightmares are gone. Surely she knows. How could she not know? She never acts as if she knows though. Katniss can't be that naïve. I close my eyes and let my forehead touch the wall, trying to think of anything else but her._

_One thing I know for sure, if we get married I can't do this every night indefinitely. We'll have to learn to sleep separately or…relieve these desires at least to some degree. Maybe I'm weak, but I can't go on like this. I have no idea if she even realizes what a challenge it is for me to be with her like this and never get to even kiss her. I'll have to tell her somehow though. It wouldn't be fair not to tell her. How do you bring up something like that though? What do you say?_

"_Katniss, when we get married are you planning to…you know…act like we are married or not? I need to know because I don't think I can handle the way it has been…if we are married and living under the same roof."_

"_Katniss, I'm just so in love with you, and I'm so attracted to you. I'll be miserable married to you and never being able to have you. I need you to know that we'll have to create some distance between us if we aren't going to…"_

_Ugh! It will sound so crass to her, I'm sure. _

_Katniss makes a noise. It sounds like a whimper. I wonder if she's all right and turn over again. She appears to be sleeping, but she rolls over in her sleep so that she's closer to me than ever._

_I'm already so far gone that my breathing becomes obviously heavy almost immediately. Looking down at Katniss again, I start to inch away slightly. She stirs again and bumps her hand and arm against me._

_This time the whimper comes from me._

_I close my eyes tightly, not sure if I'm trying to block everything out or take it in._

_Katniss moves again, and my eyes fly open to see her gray ones staring at me sleepily._

"_Good morning," she says._

"_Good morning," I choke out._

_She has to know! I think. _

_Katniss turns her head slightly and smiles at me. _

_Then she lays her head against my chest, and I can't slow down my breathing. _

"_What's wrong, Peeta?" She asks._

"_Nothing. Nothing at all."_

"_No, there's something," She backs away, bends her arm, and props her head up to listen to me. _

_I look down a little. Maybe it is time that we talked about some of these things._

"_Are we going to live together after the wedding?" I ask her._

"_I think we'll have to do that. Actually, I think we'll like it. Wouldn't we stay together every night now if we could?"_

"_Um, yes. I guess we would."_

_She would stay with me every night if she could? I think, rather surprised but trying not to show it._

"_And if we are married, are we going to live like a married couple…or just pretend?" I couldn't look her in the eyes when I said it. "I wouldn't ask, but it's just…important to me…I mean…that's only natural that it would be important to me. It would be important no matter who I was marrying…not the most important thing…but still important," I ramble. "Maybe it's important to you too; I don't know."_

_I wince, knowing I should not have said that last part. _

"_I can't say I haven't thought about it…what it would be like. I mean, we are engaged," she says._

_She's thought of what it would be like to do that with me? I think. That's more than I expected. Or maybe she just doesn't understand what I mean?_

"_I think it would be…very beautiful," she says. "You are very…passionate. You make me feel loved. I think you would in that situation too."_

_Now I definitely couldn't look at her!_

_I hold my breath, wanting so badly to kiss her. I finally gather the courage to look up. She smiles, and suddenly I am afraid she is just teasing me._

"_You aren't joking with me, are you?" I ask hesitantly._

"_No," she whispers and shakes her head, "I wouldn't do that."_

"_And I'd be the only one…you were with?" I take in a deep breath involuntarily after I say it. I don't want her to be my lover if she is someone else's too. That would never be acceptable to me. _

"_I would not cheat on you, if that's what you mean," she says, sounding a little annoyed by the question._

"_But you still don't want to get married, right?" I ask feeling confused by her acceptance of this marriage she's always resisted. _

"_I have accepted that it's what I need to do, and you are a good man."_

"_But that's all I am to you?"_

"_Peeta, you can't expect me to change everything I feel at once. I'm doing my best. I'm trying. My feelings for you are complicated, but they are certainly there."_

_I nod. She is trying. Not only that, she's telling me about it which is also different._

"_You know I'd want to be a good husband, right? That's really important to me too. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy." _

"_Peeta, Anybody that knows you knows how important family is to you. I'd be family. I told you once that you would be a good husband, and I meant it. Besides, you are a good fiancé, aren't you? You even handle all of this," she motions her hand around us where we are lying in the bed, "which is probably pretty difficult for you when I seem so unsure."_

"_You know that?"_

_She rolls her eyes. _

"_Of course I know that! I also know that you don't exactly want me to leave. You look a little wounded when I do."_

_I stare at her. _

"_So, why don't we ever kiss or anything?" I ask._

"_Because I'm terrible at this. I don't know how to...do this. I don't know what will happen if I do. Maybe something bad will happen."_

_I pick up Katniss' free hand and squeeze it._

"_You have to stop being afraid of everything. Let yourself enjoy something, Katniss. It's as if you think if you enjoy something, it will disappear. I'm not going to disappear. I think I've proven that my feelings for you are persistent."_

_She laughs. "That's true," she says. Then her brow wrinkles with concern, "You might not willingly disappear, but you could be taken away from me. Everyone I love seems to get hurt, Peeta." she adds._

"_Well, let's not think about that right now."_

_I take a chance and lean in to kiss her, and I'm elated when she kisses me back._


	58. Violet

_It's one of those dreary winter mornings when the walk to the bakery is so frigid that I question why I keep working there! Once I sit by the fire for a few minutes I remember why, for my family. They need the extra help more the ever since we all want to give Becki some time at home with the baby while he's so young. _

_Papa is the only one working when I get to the bakery. Graham has been coming in a little later, and Mama has a bad cold. Papa smiles at me as I pick up an apron and survey what's happening in the bakery. He's left several slips of paper on the countertop; that's how he organizes his work. He has enough work listed on the papers for three or four people though. His style is different from Mama's, and I know he isn't expecting her to be baking today if he's using his way or organizing as opposed to hers! _

_I pick up a paper and start gathering ingredients._

"_Papa, I've been wondering about something," I say._

"_What's that?" He answers without looking up from the batter he's making._

"_I've been wondering what happened with you and Mrs. Everdeen."_

_Papa stops stirring the bowl of batter and stares at me for a moment. I get the impression that he's trying to decide why I want to know. Then he starts stirring again._

"_That was a long time ago, Peeta. Maybe it's not worth discussing now."_

"_It is to me. I mean, she's going to be family soon. Knowing what happened will help me understand her better."_

"_You get along with Violet, don't you?" He asks._

_I smile, "Yeah, but I never call her 'Violet!'" I laugh. " It's funny to even think of that being her name."_

"_It's not any funnier than 'Katniss.'"_

"_You have a point," I concede, "and with the name I have I guess I shouldn't laugh at anyone else's."_

"_What's wrong with your name? I like it. I like it better than Graham and Ethan's names. Your mother named them, but I named you."_

"_Really?_

_"Yes, you didn't know that? You were kind of my idea from the beginning. She did have a girl name picked out for you. Since you turned out to be a boy she said I should name you."_

_I knew my mother wanted a girl, but I didn't know she'd gone so far as to not even choose a name for me if I didn't turn out to be one. I shake my head._

_"So what was my name supposed to be if I was a girl?"_

_Papa smiles, still stirring the batter. "Rosemary."_

_I roll my eyes._

"_I want to know how Ethan got a name that doesn't have anything to do with baking!" _

_Papa shrugs. "I still say that I like your name."_

"_And what about the baby you lost; whose idea was that?" Even as I'm saying it, I know I shouldn't. Papa turns away to get something from the spice shelf, but he looks upset. _

"_Well, that one wasn't planned," he says softly. "Your mother had a hard time with you, and we thought she was going to have a miscarriage then. So we were scared when she got pregnant that fourth time. It turned out even worse than we feared."_

_Papa doesn't say anything else about it, and I conclude he doesn't want to talk about the baby they lost and how Mama got so sick. Maybe they'd grieved for the baby more than I knew, or maybe the experience of Mama nearly dying was just too painful to remember._

"_Well, I get along with Violet just fine," I say, emphasizing Mrs. Everdeen's first name._

"Y_ou probably don't need any more than that. Just be good to her daughter, and Violet will like you."_

"_But I really want to know what happened. I think Katniss knows, and I want to know too," I argue._

"_Maybe you should ask Katniss."_

"_No, I don't think that's a good idea. Besides, you're my father. I want to know what happened from your perspective."_

_He pauses, and then sighs._

"_All right, Peeta, if it means that much to you."_

"_It does."_

_Papa pours the batter into the muffin tins. Then he pulls up two stools and puts them as far from the door as possible. He looks around and finding nobody, he sits down. _

"_Violet and I didn't know each other very well before your aunt Ginny was burned with that boiling water. You remember her telling you about that?"_

"_Yes. She was always terrified when I was near the stove! Even when I was near the ovens she got upset, and I couldn't avoid the ovens! She said the she lifted the handle of a pot as a kid, and it burned her hand. So then she dropped the pot spilling boiling water down her other arm and leg. Right?"_

"_That's right. It was terrible. To this day I've never heard another scream like that one…not in person anyway. So Aunt Ginny's was burned badly, and Violet was there when we took her to the apothecary. _

_Violet was a little like Prim back then, helping whenever she could. She kept Ginny as calm as possible. They gave Ginny some sleeping syrup. Then they told us there was burn medicine from the capitol and how much it cost. We couldn't afford it. We could afford some more sleeping syrup. So all we could do was try to keep Ginny comfortable and hope infection didn't set in. _

_Violet looked so sad. She offered to come over and help take care of Ginny after school, and my mother gladly accepted the offer. So every day I watched Violet take care of my little sister. She changed the bandages and tried to keep the wounds clean. She helped my mother ration the sleeping syrup for the most important times. I helped Violet, but mostly I just watched her in awe. _

_Soon we became friends. We liked many of the same things and could talk for hours. I quickly fell for Violet, and I hoped she was starting to notice me as more than a friend too. We were 17, but neither of us was engaged. In fact, we both thought we were a little young to be engaged and that our engaged friends were rushing into commitments._

_At first Ginny did well, but Violet said the burns were taking too long to heal. After a few more weeks, Ginny got weaker and was hurting more. Violet took me out to the yard one day; we sat behind the storage shed. She told me that some of Ginny's burns were infected, and we both cried. It was clear that Violet didn't think Ginny would survive, and I knew that Violet probably could predict something like that accurately. Violet said she'd keep coming back and she wouldn't give up on Ginny._

_The next day Violet said she'd found a recipe for an anti-infection medicine that we could make, and she'd already talked to a friend of hers who would gather some special plants that she needed to make it from the forest outside the district fence. She said the only reason the apothecary wouldn't sell this particular home-made medicine was because selling it would tip off the peacekeepers that they were using materials from the forest. _

_Back then, you could be beaten or even hanged for going into the forest. I don't know how the peacekeepers would have known what the apothecary put in their medicines, but Violet was terrified of the peacekeepers. So I trusted that her fears were justified._

_The next day Violet arrived with the special plants and ingredients as well as the recipe for the home-made anti-infection medicine. We made it together. The medicine seemed to help even on the first day, but by the third day we knew Ginny's infection was clearing up. She started getting a little stronger, and her burns looked better. I was so grateful to Violet, and I was definitely falling in love with her. So like any good baker, I baked her a cake!"_

_I smile. Of course, he baked her cake!_

_Papa continues, "But that's when things got complicated. When I went to Violet's house I could see that there were peacekeepers inside. I stopped and watched. When the peacekeepers finally left I went to the door and asked for Violet, but her parents said she couldn't come downstairs. So I just gave them the cake._

_Violet missed school for several days, and she didn't come by to tend to Ginny. When Violet did come back to school, she had a partly healed black eye. Of course, I asked her what happened. We were pretty close by that point. She wouldn't tell me at school, but when we walked home she told me that the peacekeepers slapped her around when she wouldn't tell them who went into the woods for the plants. Her parents had told her to cooperate, but she refused. She just kept saying she didn't know even though she did...very brave for a 17 year old girl._

_I asked her who had gone into the woods and how the peacekeepers would even know about the plants, but Violet wouldn't tell me anything else. Her parents were hesitant to let her come back to our house, but I kept seeing Violet at school and sitting with her at lunch. We got along very well and walked home together every day. I didn't really know if we were dating or not because we couldn't visit one another's houses or go out together. Her parents associated me with the incident with the peacekeepers. We were always together at school though. I felt sure that I was in love with her, and I wanted to marry her. I was too shy to tell Violet how I felt though."_

"_Well, I guess we know where I got that now!" I say. _

_Papa grins.._

"_Yeah, I guess so."_

_Then he goes on, "One day on our walk home from school I asked Violet if she still thought 17 year olds were too young to be engaged. She said 'no.' I got very excited because I thought she understood what I was thinking…that I was thinking of us getting married. Then she said, 'In fact, I'm engaged.'"_

_"Seriously? That's how you found out about Mr. Everdeen? Oh, that's awful!" _

"_Yes, unfortunately. Violet told me she was engaged to Katniss' father. She knew it hurt me, and she cried. She kept saying she was sorry. Then she said she would have told me sooner, but she had to protect him. Her parents would be furious if they knew she was going to marry him. She was planning to marry him secretly so the two of them had agreed not to tell anybody about their relationship. _

_Violet wouldn't come right out and say it, but I was sure Katniss' father was the one who had gathered the plants for the medicine that saved Ginny's life. We talked about how Mr. Everdeen was from the Seam. Violet was worried because he had no money, but she also told me so many reasons why she loved him…including that part about the birds listening to him sing. What she admired most was his bravery. I wanted to tell her I was brave too, but I wasn't brave like Katniss' father. She was right about his bravery." _

"_So…how did you two handle all that? Were you still friends?"_

"_No, I couldn't handle being friends without the hope of something more. We went our separate ways. It took me a long time to even believe she was going to marry Katniss' father. I loved Violet very much, and the revelation of her engagement was such a shock. In hindsight I realized that she didn't really lead me on. We were never more than friends, but at the time I was truly devastated."_

_I brought my voice down to a whisper. "Papa, why did you marry Mama?" I asked._

"_Your mother was very beautiful and very smart. We were 19, and most of our classmates were married. Your mother had been engaged, but she and her fiancé broke up before the wedding. Our families were friendly with each other. Since we were the same age and neither of us was promised to anyone else, they encouraged us to date each other. _

_She liked the bakery, and we enjoyed each other's company. Our families really wanted us to get married. I loved your mother, but it was a more grown-up kind of love than I'd had for Violet. Your mother wasn't one to show her feelings outwardly, but neither was Violet so I was used to that. Although your mother was always a little harsh and overly practical, she was kind to me."_

_I could feel my eyes get wide with surprise. Papa notices._

"_It wasn't until the stress of having a child and running a bakery together hit us that she really started to become such an angry person."_

_He looks down guiltily and pats my hand where it rests on the countertop._

"_I didn't do a very good job of protecting you from her anger," he admits._

_I don't say anything. It's true, but I don't blame him._

_Graham opens the back door and starts taking off his coat and scarf._

"_So cold out there!" He mumbles. _

_He makes his way over to the fire as he tells us how many times the baby woke Becki up last night._

"_Now she can't get him to stop crying. She's so tired. I wish Mama wasn't sick. Maybe she could figure out what to do for him," Graham laments. "I swear Becki's like a different person when she's that tired!"_

"_Graham, why don't you go back home and help her." I suggest. "Papa and I can handle things here for a while. I'll stay here as long as I need to stay."_

"_Really? Are you sure?" He asks._

"_Yes, I'm very sure._

**_[AN - I am a writer who listens to the readers when they review! I want to thank the reviewers! Please keep reviewing! _**

**_I have been getting some very thoughtful reviews that I believe have been very helpful. You are helping to make the story even better, and I truly appreciate it. I will not mention particular reviews by name b/c I don't know if the reviewers would want that. I did PM one reviewer back when he/she reviewed the "Mockingjay" chapter (55) to ask if I could point out his/her review. It was TheDragonWaiting's review on 8/13/12 and it compares Peeta to a honeybee (since that's the topic of Katniss' report. If you liked that chapter you might want to check it out. Again, there are many other wonderful reviews as well.]_**


	59. Comfort

_It's 10 am when I arrive at the Everdeens. Prim greets me happily._

_The house it quiet except for the soft clicking of Mrs. Everdeen's knitting needles. Since the peacekeepers have cracked down she's been busy. I'm surprised she has energy or time for knitting, but maybe she knits to calm herself. _

"_Is Katniss still asleep?" I ask Prim._

"_Yes." Prim says. She sounds serious, maybe worried. Bringing her voice down to a whisper she continues, "She has nightmares. Last night she had a bad one, and her ankle started bothering her really badly. Mother gave her some sleeping syrup, but it made her confused. She cried and cried."_

_I touch Prim's shoulder reassuringly. "You know, Prim, I think you will be a wonderful healer someday." Prim grins proudly._

_As I go to greet Mrs. Everdeen, Prim runs up the stairs. She returns a few minutes later. _

"_Katniss says to tell you she wants to be alone today. I don't think it's a good idea though."_

"_Why not?"_

"_It's not good for her."_

_I think of Katniss on the Victory Tour train. When she was the saddest she wouldn't talk to anybody unless we forced her to do it. The longer she stayed isolated, the worse she got. Once we managed to get her to talk, she seemed happier._

"_I'll go talk to her, Prim."_

_I walk up the stairs, thinking of the times we've spent together lately. The proposal wasn't supposed to be real, but sometimes we act like it was. Other times we ignore it. With the peacekeepers here in District 12 in force, running is no longer an option. Katniss and I take comfort in each other's company, and I have no complaints about that. _

_I knock on Katniss' door softly.  
"It's Peeta," I say. She tells me to come in but doesn't sound enthusiastic about my visit today._

_She's lying in bed with her ankle propped up on several pillows._

"_I brought you some cheese buns. Want to come downstairs and have one?"_

"_I'm too tired," she says, not even looking at me._

"_Did you have a bad night?" I ask as I pulled up a nearby chair. _

_Katniss turns her head, and I see the tears in her eyes. She lays her hand on her head as if it hurts before slowly reaching down to each cheek to wipe her tears away._

_I get up to get a cool washcloth from the bathroom._

"_Do you want to tell me about it?" I ask as I sit back down and slowly begin wiping her tearstained cheeks. She looks at me appreciatively. She really can't move around very much._

_Katniss suddenly clutches my arm and turns her gaze straight up to the ceiling. She stares blankly._

"_He killed Prim!" She blurts out._

_I move the washcloth up and gently pat her forehead with it. Nothing seems to calm her though._

"_Who did, Katniss?"_

"_Snow. He had her executed…publicly._

_My jaw locks with indignation at even the thought of it, but in a moment I can speak again._

"_I had one sort of like that recently. It was about Becki's baby though."_

_Katniss' eyes glance over at me, full of empathy._

"_Why is it always children?" She asks._

_I sigh as I pull the washcloth away for a moment._

"_Because it's so disturbing; children are so vulnerable," I tell her._

_She rolls closer to me, but grimaces when her ankle moves._

"_Katniss, let's go downstairs. You need to get out of this room, and Prim is really worried about you being up here by yourself. It's very quiet down there. You might even be able to sleep."_

_Katniss sighs, but she can't refuse once I've brought up Prim's wishes._

_As Katniss slowly moves her ankle off the pillows, I see that it is more swollen than yesterday. _

"_I think I couldn't keep it up last night," she admits. "I moved around too much with the nightmares."_

_She holds my shoulders for a moment as I lean over her. Then she wraps her arms around my neck and interlocks her fingers. She's wearing a light yellow nightgown that reaches to just below her knees. I reach one arm underneath her knees and the other under her arms. When I lift her up I get the sense that I've done it too fast even though it's no faster than usual. Her fingers press hard against my neck and a sharp cry of pain escapes her throat. _

"_I'm so sorry, Katniss," I say._

"_No, I'm just so worn out. I can't handle anything"_

_Katniss kisses my cheek gently before she buries her face in space between my neck and shoulder. I squeeze her tighter and start to carry her down the stairs. _

_A grateful Prim waits below with some tea and cheese buns._

"_Maybe I can draw that picture you wanted for the family book today," I whisper to Katniss . "I worked on the sketch a little last night. I'll show it to you while you eat."_

"_That would be nice."_

_/_

_I make it into the bakery by late afternoon. Although it's not the time of day when we do the most work, I can still be helpful. _

"_Where have you been, Peeta?" Graham says with a chuckle._

_He knows I've been spending most of my time with Katniss. The question doesn't require an answer._

_I sigh, "I love that girl so much it hurts sometimes. Is it like that forever?"_

"_I can't speak about forever, but I still love Becki. I remember feeling like it hurt to love her so much too, but I don't feel that way so much anymore. I just hold her or tell her how much I love her when it starts to hurt…or we end up in bed together…which is also nice," I can hear in his voice that a smile is breaking across his face. "I think you'll like being married, Peeta."_

"_Yeah, well. For us, that's what causes the hurt sometimes."_

_He shakes his head. "So you haven't?"_

"_No, not even close," I say._

_I seriously don't know how you two do that. Becki and I never could have done that. On the other hand, you don't want to rush into things at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons."_

"_Why not? We're engaged, aren't we? She wouldn't get any arguments from me if she decided one day it was time."_

_Graham is quiet for a moment. I look over at him because it's odd that he just stopped talking like that. He's kneading some dough, looking thoughtful._

"_Do you remember the day that Mama found out about Becki, and she said I had to break up with her?" He asks finally._

"_How could I forget?" _

"_And then Mama said I better hope and pray that Becki wasn't pregnant?" He continues._

"_Yeah, I remember that too. It was more information than I wanted to hear at 14!"_

"_And then I tried to tell her that Becki being pregnant wasn't possible because…you know…that kind of activity hadn't even happened yet. It made me so incredibly mad that Mama said that! So then I announced that the toasting would be in three weeks."_

"_Yeah, I remember all that."_

"_Well, I went to see Becki right after that conversation with Mama. I asked her if she'd marry in three weeks. She was very happy and said 'yes.' Then…we…did what Mama thought we'd already done. "_

"_You what?" I ask in disbelief, "Where?" It wasn't as if the two of them had much privacy!_

"_That's not important. The point is that…it was wrong…and I did it for all the wrong reasons. Becki even cried. I felt so bad about it later. I ruined it for her," he says sadly, almost mournfully._

_All of a sudden feel sad too. Becki cried? The girl who giggled so much when making out with Graham in the storeroom had cried? _

"_Do you know why she cried? Maybe it was a happy kind of crying." _

"_No, it definitely wasn't. I held her for a long time, but she just kept crying. Then we both had to go home with that sadness weighing on us."_

"_Graham, I'm sorry." _

"_It's all right now. We did have a little bit of a hard time with it in the beginning because it was a difficult way to begin that part of our relationship. I think it happened that day because when Mama said she thought we were already doing that, my response to that in my head was something like 'if that's what she thinks we're doing then maybe we should do it!' So my actions were motivated in part by anger, spite, and rebellion."_

"_Not love; not commitment?"_

"_Well, I did love Becki dearly, and it wasn't like we'd never had any physical aspects to our relationship before that day. You know that…and Papa!" He shook his head in embarrassment. "But the point is that Becki and I giving ourselves to each other in that way should have been really special, and I turned it into a way to get back at my abusive mother! A way to rebel against my upbringing! I loved her, and there was love there for sure. I don't know…it's hard to explain. _

_Those other reasons just shouldn't have been a part of it. Becki knew it, Peeta. I know she did. That's why she cried. She all but told me later. She said she'd done it then because she wanted to comfort me. She really wanted for it to happen in our house on our wedding day. I knew that, and I ruined that for her by bringing these other feelings into it…feelings she thought she had to ease."_

_He stops kneading the dough and turns away to get a pan, and I suspect he's never talked to anyone about this but Becki. He's also never described Mama as "abusive" before, but the term certainly fits._

"_Just be really sure that you understand what you are doing when you do something. Think about whether it's the right thing to do and if it's the right time to do it. Consider the consequences and the other person's feelings. Your relationship with Katniss is even more complicated than mine was with Becki. I don't even know how you two sort out what your feelings are when the Capitol is always manipulating you like they do."_

_/_

I woke up overhearing the hasty plans of our group being discussed. Pollux brought me a coat and scarves. We tried to disguise each other because the plan was to go out into the street and make our way towards the President's mansion.

"Hurry! We don't have long," Gale warned.

I dressed as quickly as possible. Pollux helped because of the handcuffs.

Katniss came over and turned my hands over, looking at the cuts on my wrists. She tried to unlock my handcuffs, but I refused to let her. Feeling their cold metal against my skin was the only thing that made me sure I was still alive sometimes…the only thing that grounded me. So I hid the handcuffs under my coat.

On the street there were pictures projected of us everywhere. Even Finnick's picture was there. Finnick. I really didn't know him that well, but I missed him already.

The picture of me was from the interview when I'd said all those terrible things about Katniss. I wondered if she knew about that. Did she understand why I said them?

I heard her talking to Cassida very softly..

What caught my attention most was the term "fur underwear."

_Fur underwear?_ I think_. Did I even hear that correctly? Who wears fur underwear? I guess people in the Capitol do! How do you even clean fur underwear? _

The Capitol never ceased to amaze me.

That was our new plan though. Cassida knew of a safe house that was really a business, and that's one of the items they sold there…fur underwear.


	60. Hide and Seek

I'm not sure what I was more surprised by, the fur underwear or the owner of the shop! She was the closest approximation of a cat / human hybrid that I could imagine. Cressida told her we needed help, but the owner didn't seem to understand. Katniss took a few steps forward and started removing her layers of disguise. I stepped forward too, trying to stop her.

It was too late though, the shop owner had already recognized Katniss.

_That may have been necessary, but Katniss needs to be less reckless! One of the others could have stepped forward first…maybe me. _I thought. _ Perhaps Katniss believed that since so many others have died, she should too. _

The shop owner's name was Tigris! She motioned for us to follow her, and we entered a dank hidden cellar.

We probably couldn't have hoped for a better hiding place, but it reminded me of my underground cell in prison. It was larger than my cell, but it was just as dreary. I started to tremble and pushed my raw wrists against the handcuffs. The wounds had taken on a redder color. One wrist was covered in crusty yellow scabs.

_I really should be gentler with them,_ I thought.

_This is a safe house in the Capitol…This is a safe house in the Capitol. _I told myself repeatedly emphasizing the word "safe."

I didn't believe it, but it convinced me that I was not in prison…at least not the same kind of prison.

I glanced over to Gale and noticed how pale he was. Katniss and the others had noticed too; they made him a bed out of animal pelts. I watched as Katniss stitched his shoulder. Gale closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Katniss cared for my wound in the first Hunger Games. She was so squeamish she barely got through it. Though Gale's wound was not as severe, I was still amazed that Katniss didn't appear squeamish at all.

It dawned on me that I hadn't had an episode. None of it: watching helplessly as Katniss revealed her identity, entering the dank cellar, or watching Katniss stitch Gale's wound caused me to fall into my inner world. I smiled to myself about my private victory.

_If I survive the war, there might be hope for me yet, _I thought.

Katniss gave Gale some pills for pain, and he fell asleep. I've learned more about Gale here in the Capitol than I've ever known before. It's easy to see why he and Katniss get along so well. They are very much alike. All that time before the reaping when I looked at him jealously because he seemed to have what I'd always wanted was ancient history. Were it not for Gale, Katniss and I would probably both be dead by now. I would never look at him the same way I once did no matter what happened with Katniss.

I felt someone touch my arm and jumped. Turning around, I saw Katniss.

"I'm sorry," she said. "We need to clean your wrists. If you don't want me to touch you, I can have…"

"No, it's all right. You just surprised me," I replied.

We knelt down by the water faucet. It was so primitive it could easily be in District 12. Katniss started to take out the key to the handcuffs, but I shook my head.

"No. Please don't. I don't want to hurt you."

"Do you think you would?" She asked quietly.

"I hope not, but I'm not willing to take a chance. I can't be calm…unless I know I can't hurt you."

Katniss' eyebrows wrinkled into one another, and her eyes glistened.

"I can't be calm unless I know you are safe. Stay safe, Peeta."

Staring back at her I played the game, "You want me to be safe for me, not for you. Real or Not Real?"

"Real. For you, Peeta. Something should be for you, shouldn't it?"

Katniss pushed the cuffs up on my arms and turned on the faucet. She pulled my wrists under the water. Then she poured an antiseptic on them and dried them before applying a soft bandage.

"You've got to keep them clean, otherwise the infection could spread and…" she began.

"I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss, even if my mother isn't a healer."

She looked at me in disbelief.

I smiled.

_Yes, I remember._ I thought. _I remember, and it's not shiny._

Within a few minutes fought the image of Katniss trying to drop the tracker jacker nest on me alone though. There were no careers, and she was not in a tree. She just wanted to kill me. I dug my wrists into the metal as I shook, but soon the image passed.

_Another victory_, I thought.

I was so very tired…so tired of fighting mentally as well as physically. I confided in Katniss about my exhaustion. I knew she was exhausted too.

Katniss lead me over to where she thought I should sleep. It was a pile of pelts. I refused it.

"You have to handcuff me to something. There are so few of us left. I will never sleep if I think I could hurt you and there would be nobody to stop me. Here, do it this way," I suggested as I demonstrated how I could sleep with my hands over my head.

Katniss shook her head sadly.

"Please, it's the only way I'll be able to sleep, Katniss."

So Katniss handcuffed me to the beam. She had to unlock the handcuffs long enough for me to wrap my arms around the it. That alone terrified me. When my arms were safely secured I remembered something…the rope.

"Katniss, I want to hold the rope."

I glanced down to the pocket of my uniform. I'd stripped off all the Capitol clothes because I hated them, and just my uniform was left. Katniss unbuttoned the pocket and pulled out the rope. For a moment she rubbed her fingers against it. I wished I could kiss her hands the way I once had.

"Finnick was so happy. He was finally free," she said, "and now he's gone."

I nodded.

"I know, but he would want you to go on. He would want you to rest too."

"Yes, he would want that," Katniss agreed. She leaned over me to put the rope in my hands. "Goodnight, Peeta."

"Goodnight."

/

"_Seventy-two, Seventy- three, Seventy-four, Seventy-five! Ready or not, here I come!" _

_I rush through the yard looking for my friends. I think I hear Delly giggle and turn in that direction. She always gives herself away because she can't be quiet! She giggles again. The sound is coming from underneath the bakery. I circle the foundation, listening for her. _

_I'm suddenly distracted when Katniss and her father walk up the front steps. Delly giggles again, but I pay no attention. At a distance, I follow Katniss and her father into the bakery. I duck behind the counter into a tiny alcove underneath the display case. Being small is bad sometimes, but it's good when you want to hide. I peek through the glass to see Katniss running her fingers up and down the display case. My mother would give me five lashes of the belt for that, but Katniss doesn't seem concerned. Her pigtails bounce behind her when she skips over to the cakes. Her father starts to hum and then sing softly. _

_He can sing too. I think. That must be where she gets it._

_I listen to the birds that are flitting around the screen door of the bakery. Will they stop singing? I wonder._

_The song Katniss' father sings is about a tree. It's something called a 'hanging tree,' and I don't know what that is. Maybe it's like a Christmas tree since you hang things on it. _

_Katniss sings a few phrases here and there, but she doesn't seem to know all of the song. _

_Someone rushes through the kitchen door. I scurry further under the counter just in case it's Mama. I know Ethan and Papa are probably still the only ones here though._

"_Can I help you?" My father says, "Oh! Mr. Everdeen. Hello…"_

_I peek out to find Katniss again as my father and Katniss' father barter._

_Katniss picks up the tune where her father left off…_

"_Are You, Are You; Coming to the tree; hm-mm, hm-mm, hmm, hmm, side by side with me; Strange things did happen here; No stranger would it be; If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."_

"_Peeeeta!" I hear Delly call. "Peeeeta! Where are you? Did you forget about the game?"_

/

Katniss was apologizing, but I wasn't listening. I already knew everything she was saying. There's no way she'd have been sent to personally kill President Snow. She was important, but she was a girl who they weren't even sure if they should put in the army!

Gale was arguing with Katniss about how everybody already knew she was lying about the mission. Katniss was a lousy liar, and an even lousier actress. Gale was right. We all knew the truth. Even I did. They went round and round trying to convince her. I fiddled with Finnick's rope. Finally she asked me what I thought.

"I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have. None of the people we lost were idiots. Thew knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow."

_And let's just face facts, Katniss. The whole country has followed you because they think you can figuratively kill Snow. _I thought. Of course, I don't say it. If she doesn't think a few people would follow her then she won't believe a country would.

Katniss stared at me. There was fire in her eyes again, and I could tell she was not feeling sorry for herself anymore.

She pulled out a map, and the planning began. At first the strategies seemed reasonable, but then Katniss mentioned something so disturbing that it took my breath away.

"I bet Snow would come out for me if I was captured. He'd want my execution on his front steps. Then Gale could shoot him from the audience," she said.

My hands wrists trembled against the handcuffs. She was talking about my worst fears! _Volunteering_ for my worst fears!

_I have to be calm when I tell her not to do this. _I think._ She won't buy that she shouldn't sacrifice herself. Her life means nothing to her right now. I have to tell her that it won't work. Only that will convince her._

"No." I began. "There are too many alternative endings to that plan." I listed them, wincing as I forced myself to say some of them aloud. The hardest one to utter was that Snow could torture her to death. Her screams suddenly echoed in my head.

Kantiss turned to Gale, asking his opinion.

"It's seems like an extreme solution to jump to immediately. Maybe if all else fails. Let's keep thinking," he answered.

_Ma_ybe_? _I thought as my blood boiled with rage. _Maybe? There is no maybe to that! She is not going to give herself up to be tortured and killed! Not while I'm alive! Maybe I was wrong about Gale caring about her as much as I do._

I jerked the handcuffs against the support, trying to breathe deeply and calm myself. Attacking Gale verbally or physically would not have helped the situation; but if Tigris hadn't distracted me by telling us it was time to eat, I'm not sure what I would have said. If I hadn't been handcuffed to the beam then I'm not sure what I would have done. Fortunately Pollux was the one who unlocked my handcuffs long enough for me to remove my arms from the support. His gentle spirit was soothing, and I managed not to entertain thoughts of harming Gale.

The stale bread we ate reminded me of home. I tried not to watch the television or add up how much money Tigris could make by simply turning the five of us over to the authorities. Then I heard Tigris laugh and say that nobody has ever known what to do with Katniss! Truer words have never been spoken in Panem! I've known her since I was five, and I don't know what to do with her. The best I've ever been able to do is react to her. I've never been ahead.

There was more planning downstairs after dinner, but I only listened to it to make sure there was no more mention of Katniss turning herself over to Snow. Unfortunately, the only possibility ruled out was Katniss turning herself in _before_ she entered the mansion. She still considered it reasonable to turn herself in afterwards. Arguing this point would do no good, but I knew I had to continue to drop hints that such a plan would not work.

_Why in the world does she think she can kill him like that? _I ask myself. _It's only going to give him the satisfaction of killing her if she turns herself in! He's not going to make himself vulnerable even if she does. It's suicide for her to turn herself in. _I shivered with the sudden insight. _She doesn't care if she dies because she wants to die. _I thought. _Only the desire to kill him remains. How could she leave Prim though? Then again, she considered leaving Prim once before…with me…in the arena._

Soon the planning session broke up, and I was back in my sleeping place…safely handcuffed to the support.


	61. Survival

_After the bakery finally closed last night, Papa and Mama chose some un-sold bread and visited the butcher. There they bought meat for a special meal for us for today. So today is like a holiday, except that everyone is sad. It's called Reaping Day. _

"_What's Reaping Day?" I ask my brothers._

"_It's the day when either Graham or I might have to go away," Ethan says._

_I look from Graham to Ethan and then back to Graham. Graham looks down at the buttons on his shirt, very slowly going about buttoning them. He isn't saying that Ethan is wrong!_

"_That woman with those silly wigs, Effie, calls two kids' names. Those two kids have to go away," Ethan says._

"_Forever?" I ask._

"_Forever." Ethan says. "It won't be me though. I know it won't be."_

_I look over at Graham who is just starting to put on his boots._

"_What about Graham? Will it be Graham?" _

"_Probably not."_

_Tears start rolling down my cheek, and all I want is for reaping day to be over. I don't even care if I get to eat that good food Mama is making! _

"_I don't want you or Graham to go away!" I say through my tears._

"_Ethan!" Papa scolds from the hallway. "Stop talking about it! Peeta's too young to understand."_

_Still crying, I lie down on the bed and roll up in a ball._

"_Don't worry, Peeta. If one of us gets picked then you can have your own room!" Ethan says._

_"I don't want my own room!" _

"_Stop it, Ethan. You're scaring him," Graham says softly, "he's just a little kid."_

"_He should have figured this out by now. It's not like he hasn't had to watch the whole dangerous predicament we're all in every year!"_

"_Maybe he doesn't want to think about it!" Graham counters. "I don't."_

"_Fine. Baby him. It won't make him any safer. Just the opposite actually," Ethan adds._

_My father walks into the room and gives Ethan a little bit of a glare._

"_I know it's a bad day boys, but making it worse for someone else doesn't make it better for you. Now finish getting dressed."_

_Papa scoops me up and carries me downstairs to the bakery kitchen. Mama has put her hair up in a different way than usual and is wearing her favorite dress. I know it's her favorite because she wore it to my Aunt Ginny's wedding. _

"_Peeta, stop crying," Mama says as she wipes my face with a towel. _

_She puts a half of a stale muffin in my hand. "Let's go sit by the apple tree while your brothers finish getting dressed." _

_I eat my muffin while sitting on a low tree branch. I don't have the courage to climb high into trees like Katniss. _

_My mother sits under the tree quietly. Every once in a while I see her body shake as tears run down her cheeks too, but she doesn't make any noise. _

_When I finish the muffin, I wrap my legs around the branch at the knees and slowly let myself fall backwards. Our bakery comes into my view again, but it's upside down! _

_My brothers walk slowly out of the bakery and up the street towards the justice building. Mama watches them, shaking even more._

_Reaping day is a bad day._

_Later, the woman named Effie stands on the platform with the Mayor. Her dress glimmers in the sun, making it hard to look at her. _

_We all watch Effie pull a paper out of a bowl; I cover both of my ears with my hands. Hearing Effie call the name of someone you love is a very bad thing. I watch as the crowd of girls parts, and one girl slowly walks towards Effie. _

_I look back at Papa who is standing quietly. I can see Graham ahead of me. He's rocking back and forth on his feet. Ethan is too far away for me to see, and I'm not sure where Mama is._

_Effie chooses another paper from a different bowl and holds it up._

_She starts to say the name before I have time to get my hands over my ears again. It doesn't matter though because she stops when she's said only a little of the name._

"_Gra…"_

_Then she stops and turns toward the Mayor._

_I turn back to look at my father. His sad eyes have darted towards Graham. _

_I've forgotten about covering my ears._

_She can't say my brother's name! She can't!_

_I start to cry again, but it's a quiet crying that won't attract anyone's attention._

_The Mayor stands up. He and Effie Trinket look at the paper. _

_She points her long painted fingernail at it._

_Not my brother! Not my brother! _

_I stare at Graham._

_He rocks back and forth faster._

_I run in his direction. My father calls for me to come back in a harsh whisper._

"_Gresham Bartram," Effie finishes._

_As I reach Graham I see him sigh just before I nearly knock him over by tackling him and wrapping my arms around his legs. _

_He leans over and pulls me up, hiding me behind him._

_The boy whose name Effie called walks forward to meet her on the platform. I know him. He's one of Ethan's friends. _

_Nearby I hear a woman sobbing, and I wonder if it's Gresham's mother. Mothers are always crying on reaping day. _

_/_

_I'm coughing so hard, harder than I ever remember coughing before. I can't stop. Graham turns over in his bed and puts his pillow over his ear. I cough some more before managing to suck in a much needed breath of air. Laying down makes me cough more. _

_The birds are singing outside signaling that morning has arrived, and I don't think I've been asleep at all. More coughing._

_Papa opens to the door and Graham sits up. _

"_Can I please go downstairs? I can't sleep."_

"_Sure, sleep on the sofa. I'll tell your mother, and maybe she'll let you rest longer."_

_Graham sighs as he picks up his pillow and blanket. He looks at me with frustration, but I know he isn't mad at me. _

_I cough some more._

_My father sits down beside me. _

"_Are you cold?" He asks._

_I nod my head, afraid talking will make me cough again._

_Papa lays his hand on my forehead and looks worried. Leaning into him, I feel his coolness soothe me. My eyes start to feel heavy before another coughing spell hits me. Papa puts his arm around my back and side. When the spell keeps going he starts to rub his hand up and down my back while I cough and gasp._

_As I start to catch my breath, I lay my head against papa. In a few minutes I drift off to sleep. _

_When I wake up Papa's friend is there. There's a tight feeling in my throat, but I manage to avoid coughing._

"_You know they could prevent this for pennies per child! It's been preventable for hundreds and hundreds of years, Owen. The mayor says he could've vaccinated half the children himself, but they wouldn't even sell him the vaccine! You probably could have bought it for Peeta, but somewhere it's collecting dust when it could be saving lives. "_

"_Why won't they sell it to us?"_

"_You know why."_

"_Because they don't care?"_

"_And because their children don't interact with ours…and our children's lives don't matter to them! They don't care if our children die. They revel in watching it every summer, after all!""_

_My father puts one finger over his mouth signaling her to be quieter._

_She continues, "You don't have to go all over town seeing these poor kids. It's hard not to be…upset by it. It's even worse in the Seam. Those kids aren't as healthy as your boys, Owen. Some of them don't have a chance."_

"_I know," Papa pats her arm. "Just be careful. I shouldn't have asked you those questions. It only encouraged you to answer them out loud…and say more than you should say."_

"_Well, I can trust you. That's the only reason I'm saying anything."_

_Papa's friend turns to see me looking at her, surprised to see me awake._

"_Peeta.," Papa says, " My friend is here to see you. She's going to see if she can help you with your coughing. Do you know Katniss? She's Kaniss's mother."_

_I nod my head enthusiastically._

"_Good," the woman says, "Katniss is my older daughter. She's just your age, right?" _

_I nod._

"_I have two daughters, Katniss and Primrose. I bet you see them together sometimes, don't you?"_

_I nod again._

_She smiles and squeezes my hand._

"_Owen, he looks just like you," turning around to my father, she adds, "acts just like you too." _

"_That's what everybody says," Papa tells her._

"_What happens when you talk, Peeta?"_

"_I…_

_I start coughing violently again and have trouble catching my breath. _

_Papa sits down beside me again, just like before. _

/

I woke up truly coughing. I saw Gale look down at me from the pile of pelts that have become his bed.

"Want some water?" He whispered.

I noded.

Katniss had the handcuff keys so I simply sat up and Gales held the cup while I drank the water. I didn't like that he had to help me because I was still mad at him a little.

"You seem to be better, Peeta? Are you?"

"Yeah. I'm managing."

"That's good."

"It's good for everyone." I pause. "I've been a real problem, I know."

"Probably not as much as you think," Gale said.

"Oh, you don't have to pretend. I'm not stupid. Rescuing me was a mistake."

"Not really. We would have lost you both if we hadn't rescued you, Peeta," he said solemnly.

I looked at him incredulously.

"That's the honest truth. She was…like I'd never seen her…completely without hope," he added.

"Kind of like now?" I asked.

"Now is a little different. She has a goal."

"Yes, a goal that's likely to get her killed," I said sadly.

There was a long pause. His face grew sad too as if he didn't like to think about it but knew that what I was saying was absolutely true.

Gale, you wouldn't really let Kaniss turn herself in to Snow would you?" I asked.

Gale pressed his lips together tightly for a moment.

"I don't think I could stop her if she made up her mind that she was going to do that," he said. "All she has to do is walk out into the street and take off her scarf."

"…But shouldn't we try to stop her? I mean, she won't be able to kill Snow that way. Maybe you could if there really was a public outdoor execution, but there would be absolutely no guarantee that he'd even handle it that way. The rebels are too close, and we are on the loose! I don't think he'd do it that way."

"There's nothing I can do, Peeta. She doesn't listen to me. She never has unless it was about hunting tips. The person she listens to most is you."

I scoffed at his comment. "Not anymore. Not now that I'm crazy."

Gales rolled his eyes and then sighed.

"You aren't as useless as you think you are, you know."

"Oh no? What good is a handcuffed soldier?" I asked pulling against the beam with the cuffs lightly.

"You keep her going," he said emphatically, his eyebrows rising sharply.

"The idea of killing Snow keeps her going."

"And why does she want to kill him? It isn't for her…that's for sure. I don't think she does much of anything for her except to make sure she survives. It's been that way since I first met her when she was12 years old! After survival it's all about Prim and her mother…and later you. She's not in this for the revolution. We had to _convince _her to participate in the revolution. She wants Snow to pay personally because of what he did to you. He killed your family, took your memories, made you forget her, and took you away from her. Those actions made her hate him much more than any Hunger Games ever could. This is personal for Katniss…very, very personal."

"I never forgot her though," I countered. "Never. I mean, I never really forgot who she really was…totally."

"Really? Does Katniss know that?"

I pondered the question, "I guess I don't know the answer to that."

Gale tipped the cup toward me again, asking silently if I wanted some more. I shook my head. Then he looked down and swirled the water around in the cup.

"She doesn't really understand what happened to you Peeta. I guess none of us do, but Katniss wants Snow to pay regardless."

"I don't want her to make him pay at the cost of her life, Gale. That's the last thing I'd ever want."

He sighed. "I know. I know."

Katniss stirred a little. Gale looked over at her. I glanced at her too.

"You think she's really out?" He whispered.

I watched for a moment.

"Yeah, that's how she sleeps when she's peaceful. She isn't likely to wake up for a while…not from a nightmare anyway."

Gale stared at me curiously, his brow wrinkling.

I realized my mistake.

"Thanks for the water," I said, trying to move the conversation along quickly.

"No problem. I wake up ten times a night anyway."

"To make sure Katniss is still here?" I asked.

"Something like that."

"That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her."

"Well, we never have," Gale admitted.

I laughed, and he did too.

"She loves you, you know. She as good as told me after they whipped you. That's why I asked you about the whipping. I wanted to make sure those memories were real," I said.

"Don't believe that she loves me, Peeta. The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell…well, she never kissed me like that."

"It was part of the show," I said. Then I considered how bad Katniss can be at putting on a show, and suddenly all the feelings I'd felt of the beach started to hit me. Before, they'd always been muted or I couldn't feel them at all. The rush of them was overwhelming. I had to close my eyes for a moment as they washed over me.

"No, you won her over," Gale went on, "Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her. I should have volunteered to take your place in the first games. Protected her then."

There was a pause before I could tear myself away from my feelings to answer.

"You couldn't. She'd never have forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter to her more than her life," I managed to say.

"Well, it won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss' problem. Who to choose. We should get some sleep."

I agreed.

"I wonder how she'll make up her mind." I asked out loud.

"Oh, that I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without."

_Maybe Gale is right_. I thought, still feeling the waves of emotion from the memories of the beach. _Maybe it's all about survival…hers, Prim's and mine. If Gale's assumptions are correct, then why isn't Katniss trying to insure her survival now though? If she thinks we don't need her anymore, then she's dead wrong._

I sighed and laid back down, taking in the beach all over again.


	62. Career Paths

_[AN - This one is interesting! Hope you like it! After this chapter we'll be moving quickly to through the Capitol from Peeta's POV! So hold on tight!]_

_The careers are securing their supplies. Then they'll settle in to rest and eat before going out to hunt. I've seen this strategy during many Hunger Games before and recognize the signs. I'm sitting in front of a large tree and plotting my next move as I drag a stick across the soil in front of me. I've scraped off the topsoil already so that I can draw on the lighter ground underneath._

_Deciding which career to fight is vitally important. It can't be Cato because he's so impulsive that he'd kill me before I could open my mouth to speak. I suspect that despite her years of training, the males wouldn't be impressed that I could physically overpower Glimmer. Clove is simply too good with knives at a distance. I might never be able to get close enough to her. So, I choose Marvel. _

_I step back to examine the message I've been writing into the soil. Saying it isn't enough. I have to make sure the camera has ample opportunity to record it because it must get through to everyone…it's addressee as well as the sponsors. I hope Katniss will see it someday, or at least that someone will tell her about it. I use the darker topsoil and every artistic skill I have to make sure the message very visible. _

"_Primrose, she'll be coming home!" It says very plainly._

_The hidden message is that "I'm not." I think of my family, but I don't have much time or energy for thoughts other than those about protecting Katniss. After one last glance at my work, I'm off to find the careers and put myself directly in their path._

_As the careers begin moving out into the twilight, I keep watch from a safe distance to see which way they go. They make their way into a thick forest area. They are too arrogant to move stealthily. I circle around them._

_This creates a myriad of dangers for me, but that won't stop me. This plan was one of dozens of strategies Haymitch and I discussed._

"_You'll have to isolate one of them and overpower them. Make sure you don't embarrass the careers though. They'll kill you immediately out of pride alone if you do. It has to look like you stumbled upon each other by accident, and that you just happened to overpower a career before you were killed," He'd said._

_As a group they move slowly, and I've managed to position myself ahead of them in a short period of time. As I track them I wait for the perfect opportunity. It comes when the cold starts to bother Cato, and he orders that the others build a fire. Marvel and Glimmer start to gather firewood. I set my eyes on Marvel._

_Once he's well out of knife throwing range for Clove but before he can get too far from the group I crack a large curved stick under my foot. Marvel looks up, his knife drawn. I make a run for it so he'll believe he's catching me. Marvel is lousy at throwing; I know that because Clove berated him for it relentlessly. He won't use the knife until he has me close. _

_Marvel manages to knock me to the ground quickly, and I can hear the others' footsteps approaching. This is the point where I may very well die. I grab Marvel and flip him over without too much difficulty. He clearly wasn't expecting resistance. Is he really that arrogant? I suppose so. He seems surprised by my swiftness and dexterity. I manage to lock my arm around his neck just as Cato and Glimmer arrive. I place Marvel's knife in my other hand but not in a threatening manner towards anyone but Marvel._

_Panting hard, I tell them what I've come to say._

"_I want to join up with you." _

_Glimmer laughs, and Clove arrives holding one of her knives menacingly._

"_Why would we let you do that, Lover boy? Clove here can take you out in a second. You won't feel much of anything, unless she wants you to feel it," Cato goads._

"_Because I'll break his neck if you don't!" I scream._

_Marvel starts to cough a little._

_Cato looks as if he might not care if I break Marvel's neck._

_Glimmer looks worried though. _

"_What good would you be to us?" Clove asks._

"_I can do this, can't I?" I say as I tighten my grip on Marvels neck. "And a lot more."_

_Cato looks at Marvel and smiles, apparently enjoying the fact that Marvel's in a headlock. _

"_If we take you in Lover boy, what happens when we run into your girl?" Cato asks._

"_I tried to form an alliance with her, but she turned me down. She says that this is the games, and she'll shoot me just like she would anyone. I've known her since we were 5, but if I run into Katniss now then I'm a goner. District partner or not, she's no ally!"_

"_You're a goner already," Clove says._

_I tighten my grip on Marvel's throat as Clove plays with her knife._

"_Cato!" Glimmer says pleadingly._

"_You want Katniss dead, don't you?" I scream, sounding increasingly desperate on purpose. "I know her. I know how to find her." _

"_Get up!" Cato yells as he lunges towards Marvel and me. "I do want that little bitch dead!" He screams as he changes direction and slams his fist into a nearby mossy tree trunk._

_Glimmer tries to calm him, running her hands up and down his shoulders._

"_You can kill her, Cato. I promise. Let him lead us to her. It's a good idea."_

_Clove rolls her eyes._

_I'm stunned. Cato must be as out of his mind as he is a skilled fighter. It doesn't matter right now though. His hatred and jealously of Katniss seems to have landed me a place among the careers more easily than I'd imagined. _

"_All right, Lover boy. You're in. _

_/_

I woke up to Katniss screaming my name. Gale jumped up and ran to her.

Being handcuffed to the beam, I couldn't. I sat up to see her though.

"It's a dream, Katniss!" He said. "Be quiet. You'll wake everyone."

"Peeta!" She said again, but quieter.

"He's over there." Gale said pointing to me. "See."

I was unsure if the dream was about someone harming me or me harming her, but it certainly seemed like Katniss was worried about me.

I adjusted my handcuffs around the beam hoping to reassure her that I couldn't attack her if that's what she was worried about.

Katniss stood up and slowly walked over towards me. I noticed that the rest of the room was completely silent. She knelt down and touched my arm as she stared into my eyes.

Confused, I just stared back.

Her eyes filled with concerned. She moved her hand from my arm up to my wrists.

She turned her head slightly in sympathy.

I felt sure that under different circumstances she would have wrapped her arms around me.

Hadn't she before?

After a few more awkward moments Gale asked, "Are you all right, Katniss?"

"Yes." She answered in a vacant tone. All the emotion was still trained on me.

Gale made his way back to his pelt bed with a troubled expression on his face.

Katniss continued to stare at me as she pressed her fingers very lightly against the bandages on my wrists.

"Goodnight, Peeta." She whispered.

"Goodnight. I hope you sleep better this time," I told her.

Katniss settled on her pelt bed, but she never turned her face away from me.

I waited for her to go to sleep before lying back down also.

_/_

_I put my hand behind my nephew's head and laid him down across my arm before lowering him down to Katniss. She's still down about having to stay so still, and I'm hoping the baby will cheer her. She'll fall in love with him like everybody in my family has. I just know it! Then again, if he starts crying she may not. Mama says he's the fussiest baby she's ever seen, but she always says it with a bit of a smile on her face._

"_Becki says it's better to hold his head up quite a bit higher than the rest of him in case he spits up or something," I say nervously._

_Katniss looks at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language._

"_I don't know about this, Peeta."_

"_Oh, it's fun to hold him. You'll like it."_

_My nephew settles into the crook of Katniss' arm and she tentatively wraps her other arm around him._

"_See, he likes you," I say softly._

"_He's asleep, Peeta. He doesn't know who is holding him."_

"_Oh yes he does! If he didn't like you he'd wake up and protest. Trust me."_

_I watch Katniss gaze at the baby. She looks very much like my sister-in-law when she first held him. I can't help but imagine Katniss holding my baby...our baby._

"_So he cries often?" Katniss asks._

"_Yeah. Your mother thinks he has stomach problems. She says he'll probably grow out of them. Becki cries with him sometimes because she wants so much to make him feel better."_

_Katniss looks up at me suddenly._

"_See, Peeta. That's one reason I could never do this. I'm not like Becki. I bet she's a really good mother."_

"_I think she is, but you would be too. You don't give yourself enough credit."_

"_No, you're wrong. I would be a terrible mother."_

_Katniss looks back down at the baby. _

_I think for a moment about whether or not to say the next words that come out of my mouth because I really don't want to disrespect Mrs. Everdeen. It's usually worth it to tell Katniss what I really believe though._

_I begin in a whisper, "you know that you've mothered Prim, don't you?"_

_Katniss is quiet, still watching my nephew as he slumbers._

"_That's was different Peeta."_

"_You were 11 or 12. She was 7 or 8. She was young, Katniss. You were young too but old enough to take care of her in some ways. You mothered Prim because there was nobody else to do it."_

"_I did my best," she says in a distant voice that seemed to drip with unexpected emotion. _

"_And you were amazing," I add sincerely. _

_I sit down beside Katniss and wrap my arm around the arm she's got wrapped around the baby."_

"_But it's still different than being a mother," Katniss counters._

"_Maybe. But maybe it was actually harder than what Becki's had to do in some ways. Becki has Graham to help her. She has Mama, Papa, and me as well. You didn't have anyone. Even so you fed Prim and made sure she came to school. You did such a good job; nobody would ever have known that her mother was completely incapacitated."_

"_How do you even know all that?" _

"_I told you before; you are the one who wasn't paying attention." I say._

_My nephew's eyes open just a little. _

"_Oh! Look at that, Peeta." Katniss says softly._

_The baby gazes at Katniss without fussing at all. He raises a hand to his mouth as he often does and watches her curiously._

"_I told you he likes you."_

_[special thanks to **thedragonwaiting** for advice on this chapter]_


	63. Taking Chances

_Do you think they can hear us? Katniss asks quietly._

"_No. They're asleep, and I don't think they care anyway," I answer._

"_Prim cares. She'll tease me."_

"_Let her tease you then." _

_We're sitting on the floor facing one another in front of the sofa as the fire burns next to us. Katniss lets the plant book fall off her lap, my newest sketch falling from its pages. She awkwardly scoots closer to me until she's close enough to lay her head on my chest. _

_Katniss' hesitancies evaporate quickly. The first kiss is teasing, but Katniss makes sure the next one is languid and passionate. I ache to touch her, but I have no idea where I'm allowed to touch her. One hand is soon buried in her hair. The other one runs down her back starting at her neck. When the hand on her back reaches lower, Katniss takes in a hissing breath. _

_She looks into my eyes as though she's startled by her own reaction._

_I smile at her reassuringly. _

_"That's beautiful," I tell her as I run my fingers through her hair._

_She closes her eyes and __takes no more time for reflection. Her hand moves to my jaw as she captures my lips again. I'm not sure what I'm more amazed by: the fact that we are kissing so hungrily or the fact that Katniss is initiating the kisses. _

_Suddenly she stops and presses her forehead against my chest. She squeezes her eyes closed and her mouth opens a little as she tries to catch her breath._

_Then She wraps her arms around my body as if she needs to steady herself._

"_Head rush?" I tease._

"_Something like that," she answers softly._

_I lean down and allow my lips to graze her ear._

"_Don't fight it," I whisper._

_Her fingernails scrape lightly against my shirt._

_She exhales deeply and lets her head fall back into my hand in response. As her hair falls away as well, I eagerly kiss down her neck._

_My hand grazes the fabric of her blouse accidently as I move it from her back to her face._

"_Peeta." She says as she melts further into my embrace._

_The way she says my name…so pleadingly…so like she loves me…sinks into my very soul. _

_As my fingers reach for her cheek, she raises her head to meet them. _

_Not sure what she wants me to do, I just look at her for a moment._

_I want to say that I love her, but I won't. Not now. Not when everything is so perfect. _

_Katniss crawls into my lap._

_I press her closer several times. Each time she whimpers softly, almost inaudibly. My lips tease hers so I can feel the breath that accompanies each sound…and know for sure that I'm not imagining all of this. _

_If there's one thing I know for certain, it's that Katniss Everdeen wouldn't allow herself be this vulnerable unless she was subdued by the intoxicating effects of love. _

_/_

I woke up pulling against my handcuffs, reaching for Katniss. She was not in my arms anymore though. My body felt cold and lifeless without her near it.

Closing my eyes, I tried to bring back that beautiful feeling. Was it possible for me to ever feel that happy again? Could I ever be so normal again? Would being with Katniss like that be possible again, even if she would let me?

The day continued to fill me with uncertainty. Katniss paced the floor trying to decide if we should take advantage of the chaos the flood of refugees from other parts of the Capitol was creating in the streets.

Tigris offered early in the morning to go out and find out whatever information she could, but as the day progressed I became unable to fight the notion that she'd gone to turn us in to the peacekeepers. She was a citizen of the Capitol, after all. No matter how much she hated the government, the bounty on our heads was incredible. It rivaled my victor's salary.

My dreams had been happy, but all day I fought memories of being tortured. Katniss cared so much about completing her "mission," but my greatest concern was our safety. The rebels were winning. Every moment of watching the television revealed it even though the Capitol tried to hide the truth. Why Katniss felt she had to personally kill Snow before the end of the war mystified me even after Gale's explanation. Her determination was unwavering though. Reasoning with her did seem futile.

I couldn't help but obsess about the possibilities. Didn't Katniss understand what they'd do to us if we were captured? I did. And those nightlock pills offered no guaranteed protection against it. We could be incapacitated before being able to swallow them. Perhaps the peacekeepers knew about them and would take them away even faster than they would take our weapons.

The prospect of being forced to watch my friends being tortured rocked me to the core. Not only that, Plutarch had made sure that the entire country saw me transform into a rebel through his propos, disparaging Snow and his characterization of me as a Capitol loyalist. There was not doubt that Snow would hate me now more than he ever had before.

Those Snow used to do his dirty work already knew what hurt me most and could target all my weaknesses. They knew torturing the others in front of me was one of them. And this time they'd have a new weapon against me, Katniss.

It didn't matter if they killed me before Katniss or not. Both possibilities were equally horrific. Watching them kill her would be unbearable. Only seeing that they can't hurt her anymore might bring some solace. Dying knowing that the Capitol _hadn't _killed her would be terrifying on other levels. The fear associated with my own death would co-mingle with the uncertainties about what else they would do to her. The knowledge that I'd no longer be able to try to comfort her would be heartbreaking.

For some reason my thoughts kept darting back to Johanna and the day she was raped. Perhaps it was because of the helplessness I felt. Perhaps the reason was that I knew deep in my heart that they were certain to torture Katniss that way if they captured her. The thought of it brought tears to my eyes.

Katniss had already been exploited sexually in some ways. As sad as it was for me to think about, I'd been a tool in that exploitation. She didn't want to kiss me all the times she had, maybe not even most of the times. Accepting my proposal on the stage in the Capitol was something Katniss felt she _had_ to do.

Some might say I was a victim too and that I'd been exploited in similar ways. I'd wanted to kiss Katniss and wanted to marry her though. Maybe I just used our circumstances to get what I wanted from her.

I felt guilty for the things I'd said to _protect_ her…that we were married…that she carried my child. Had I said those things solely to protect her? I hoped so. Delly was right! I hadn't even asked Katniss if it was okay with her for me to say those things to the _whole country. _To save my own life I'd said she'd betrayed me and was almost indiscriminate in her pursuit of men at home…that there were many who could have fathered her baby! It seemed so twisted when I thought of it, but at the time my motives had always felt pure. Were they?

Then there was that terrible vision of me doing things she _really _didn't want me to do! That she didn't even agree to do! So awful! Katniss didn't know about it, but I was so incredibly disturbed by it. The vision had happened more than once and was always exactly the same. The Capitol must have caused it to form in my mind somehow, one more legacy of their torture. Though I was horrified by the vision, I feared that it might become part of some sick attack on Katniss if I ever lost control again.

What if the Capitol could use my hijacking against us in prison? Could they trigger me to attack her? To torture her? To rape her? To kill her? That look in her eyes at the end of the vision came back to me…that hurt, horrified, agonized look. "How could you do this to me?" It said without words. "I thought that you were a good man." "I thought that you loved me."

My stomach lurched as I searched for a private place to get sick. Finding a corner I huddled there, but Cressida found me just as I finished cleaning up the mess. We'd eaten so little that there wasn't much anyway.

"You all right?" She asked.

I was so tired of people asking me that! Being "all right" was no longer possible for me! Didn't they know that by now?

"It's nothing you need to worry about," I said. "It's not an episode coming on or anything like that."

Cressida bit her lower lip.

"Just let me know if you need anything," she said before returning to the others.

In the evening Tigris returned. We ate and watched the news. The refugees were starting to occupy shops as well as homes and the streets themselves. It was clear our time at Tigris' shop was limited unless we wanted to wait out the rest of the war hiding in the cellar. Katniss was opposed to that, of course.

After dinner Gale and Katniss disappeared to wash dishes, but when they came back they have a long talk with me. I could tell immediately that Katniss was afraid of telling me whatever they came to say. Gale did most of the talking. As usual with Gale, there was little introduction.

"Peeta, we need to move out tomorrow and leave you here with Tigris. She's proven that she's trustworthy," he said.

I must have looked surprised because Katniss chimed in.

"It isn't that we want to leave you behind. It's just that we are afraid you might have an episode," she said.

Though I appreciated her overly kind explanation, I knew that I was useless to her mission as well. That's another reason I was being left behind.

Despite the fact that I had been asking Katniss to leave me behind or kill me throughout our time in the Capitol, the idea of leaving her now seemed distressing. I didn't trust Gale to protect her anymore, not the way I would protect her anyway.

Katniss looked at me with such sadness. She didn't want to hurt me, and I refused to let her think that she had.

"If it will help you, then I'll stay behind. Just promise me you'll be careful."

I knew they wouldn't be though. They never were.

**[AN – Next chapter: Peeta goes out on his own! ]**

**[AN #2 I am trying really hard, but this is a difficult part of the book write about! I thought the sewer would be the most difficult, but I'm finding it's the end instead! Please let me know what you think and give me suggestions! We are nearing the end, and I want the story to end well.]**


	64. Trapped

Considering staying at Tigris' house became more upsetting as the night went on. The fact that I'd be alone was disconcerting also. The cellar resembled another cell, and I would be trapped in it as soon as Tigris was forced to take in refugees. Alone. Without Johanna this time. I wasn't sure I could volunteer for that.

"I can't stay here," I told Katniss firmly. "I just can't stay cooped up in this place." I motioned my hand around the cellar. "I'll go crazy here by myself. Besides, I might still be useful."

I explained my plan to create a diversion if they needed one.

"You saw what happened to that man who looked like me," I said.

Of course, the crowd would probably beat me to death if I had to create a diversion. We were all in danger though. My plan invovled no greater risk than the one they were taking by going to the mansion.

"What if you...lose control?" Katnis asked.

I delighted in the fact that she realized I had control most of the time now.

"You mean...go mutt? Well, if I feel that coming on I'll try to get back here."

Katniss finally agreed, but I think she did so only because she knew she couldn't stop me. We were even, I suppose, maybe for the first time ever.

Gale made the unexpected decision to give me his nightlock tablet. In any other circumstances, giving a friend the means to commit suicide would not be seen as compassionate. It was somehow when Gale did it though. Katniss closed my hand around the nightlock as thoughts of the berries in the arena swirled through my mind.

_Trust me._ She'd said then.

I no longer believed she'd kill me through deception. The memory of her letting me fall to the ground dying while she still lived was "shiny." It wasn't real. She was willing to swallow the berries too, then and now.

While the others slept restlessly, I thought about my decision to leave Tigris' shop. It was the right one for many reasons. As I drifted off to sleep, I could feel the nightlock tablet in my shirt pocket right beside Finnick's rope.

/

_I hear something hit the window of my room but pay little attention. I'm drawing a sketch._

_Then I hear it again along with a scared voice._

"_Peeta!" _

_Recognizing the voice immediately, I throw open the window. Looking down I see that Delly is poised to throw another small rock. The night air is chilly but not cold. She drops the rock as soon as she sees me._

"_Get out of here!" I whisper harshly. "You're going to get me in trouble…again!"_

"_No I'm not. I promise. I'm sorry. You know it isn't my fault," she pleads._

"_Just go away! Please! You know you should. Think about it." I shut the window only to hear my mother's footsteps behind me._

_She watches me for a moment, frowning. _

"_What are you doing, young man?" _

"_Drawing."_

"_I don't see you near that pencil and paper."_

_She points to my drawing and pencil on the bed._

_I look down._

_It's been 5 days. Mama hasn't let me go to school or talk to anyone. Graham and Papa come in to talk to me when she's busy. She requires me to do my chores at night to make sure I don't run into any customers or friends. That's my punishment. For someone who loves people as much as I do, it's a painful one. _

_I embarrassed her, an unforgivable sin. _

"_There's work for you downstairs in a few hours. I brought you something to eat," she says._

"_You did?" I say looking at her gratefully._

_She hasn't let me come downstairs for meals in 5 days either, but she has let Graham bring me most of them. The fact that she brought me something herself is…comforting._

_I swallow hard._

"_Thank you," I say._

"_You're welcome."_

_I take the plate of food in my hands. _

_She won't take it away now. She's not that heartless…well, probably not._

_I take a few more seconds to summon more courage, "How long…?"_

"_Until you learn not to humiliate me in public, Peeta Mellark!" Her jaw clinches. She's just as angry as ever._

_I nod my head. _

"_Okay. Okay." The fork starts clinking slightly against the plate in my hands. I sit down and put the plate on the bed tentatively. Determined not to make the situation worse by speaking again, I wait. I lay my trembling hands in my lap and stare at a crack in the wood floor. _

_She'll leave. I wouldn't have asked her anything normally, but she's the only one who can answer the question of how long she's going to make me stay here. My brother and father can't answer that._

_She does leave, but not before looking out my window. She suspects something._

_As she leaves I take a bite of bread and drink some water. I am really hungry. We don't have that much to eat anyway, and being deprived of what little we have even part of the time is hard for me. _

_I think over the events of the last week. What a silly prank. _

_It was the week of the harvest festival, and we were incredibly busy at the bakery. Delly came by one afternoon and asked for some waxed paper. I said I couldn't give her any, but she pointed to a few trays of baked cookies._

"_Just give me the sheets under those cookies. That will do."_

_I thought nothing of it. Delly was one of my very best friends._

_The night of the harvest festival was unusually warm for the time of year. Graham and I had already set up the bakery's vendor stand. Mama was surveying it from across the walkway to see if we should change anything. People were starting to gather in the lantern lit square. That's when the commotion began._

_The mayor's wife emerged from the outdoor restrooms that were across the walkway. She was crying, and her dress was all wet. Madge, who was standing near the main stage just to the right of our stand, ran over to her. By then the Mayor's wife was almost hysterical and saying she had to leave. Everyone knew Madge's mother was a little "fragile," but this behavior seemed out of place even for her._

_Madge's mother whispered in her ear, and then Madge picked up the skirt of her mother's dress a bit to examine it. Madge turned to me with a strange look of indignation. Then she slowly encouraged her mother to walk in the direction of their house._

_Whispers and snickers continued all night, and eventually I found out that the toilets in the women's side of the restrooms had been wrapped under the seats with waxed paper. So that's how the Mayor's wife's dress got wet and why she was embarrassed. She actually made it worse for herself by getting so upset, but I suppose she couldn't help it. The woman barely left the house except for special occasions._

_As the night went on a few of the comments about the incident were followed by comments like, "Good one, Mellark" and "I wish I'd thought of that!" I started to get nervous and walked up to Graham. _

"_This thing with the Mayor's wife. You don't think people think I did it, do you?"_

_He looked at me like he hadn't thought about it._

"_Well, the toilets were wrapped with waxed paper. Who else in town uses waxed paper but us?"_

_The answer was "nobody."_

_I was sure the greasy cookie stains on the paper wouldn't help my case if I tried to argue my innocence! _

_The prank seemed a little juvenile for Graham also. No wonder everyone suspected me!_

_Panicked about what all this would mean, I searched for Delly. She was dancing with her obnoxious boyfriend, Forest. He was a rotten dancer._

_I pulled at her arm._

"_Hey, Mellark! What are you doing? Haven't you caused enough trouble for tonight?" Forest asked._

"_No, I haven't," I answered firmly. "I haven't caused any. You have!"_

_Delly looked at me, wide-eyed. She gave me a tiny push away from Forest. It was a warning more than anything else._

"_I need to talk to you," I told her._

"_No now," she said seriously._

"_No, Delly. I really need to talk to you. You don't understand. No, you do understand. What were you thinking?" I was becoming increasingly distressed which Forest seemed to find amusing._

"_What's wrong, Mellark. Can't take the heat? Maybe you should get out of the kitchen," He taunted. "You're such a sissy."_

_I was so angry. Worse than that, I was completely unable to manage being that angry. There were so many times I couldn't defend myself, and I resolved that I would defend myself this time._

_I lunged for Forest but missed. He took a punch at me, but I caught his arm. In no time we were wrestling around on the dance floor with a crowd of teenagers encircling us to get a better view. I got him pinned down, and finally punched him in the nose. Blood started to trickle down Forest's lip as I felt familiar hands grab my shoulders and pull me backwards. _

_I continued to kick, scream, and threaten. _

_Graham whipped me around so I was facing him. He looked directly into my eyes as he shook me hard. "Stop it! Stop it, Peeta!"_

_Then I saw her over Graham's shoulder…my mother. She was still a few yards away. My heart sank as it dawned on me that I had just made matters a thousand times worse with my impulsiveness._

"_Home," was the only word she said to me. It was an ominous word when she said it like that._

_I walked slowly, thinking of running away. It would do no good though. There was nowhere to run in District 12. The only way to run away was to get married like Ethan! I'd have to wait a while for that._

_Shutting the door behind me, I sat down in the dark and cried. Forest was right. I was a sissy. I'd cry when she whipped me too. She would; it was inevitable. What was I supposed to do? This was where I couldn't defend myself. I lived here, and I couldn't get away from her. Maybe I deserved it anyway…all of it. _

_My mother's footsteps could be heard on the porch, and they sent shivers down my spine. The door opened, and I stood up. Leaning against the wall, I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve and hoped the lights wouldn't reveal my tears when she flipped them on. The rest of the night was predictably awful._

_/_

I watched as my Cressida and Pollux made their way into the crowded streets.

Katniss unlocked my handcuffs, and the sudden freedom was a little startling.

She looked like she wanted to say goodbye but couldn't bring herself to say it.

"Listen, Don't do anything foolish," She said instead.

"No. It's last-resort stuff. Completely," I told her, fully meaning what I'm saying.

Then Katniss did something so unexpected that I didn't know how to respond. She hugged me! I could feel her fingers touch the back of my neck and her arms rest on my shoulders. It felt like...it was supposed to happen. So I wrapped my arms around her waist. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Gale watching uncomfortably. I tightened my nervous embrace just a little.

"All right then," she said moments later as she let me go.

"It's time," Tigris said. Then, Katniss and Gale joined the flood of refugees in the street.

It was my turn. "Stay safe" Tigris told me in an urgent voice. "I'll put this blue 'Sale' sign in the window if it's safe for you to return here. If you don't see the sign, it means you should stay away. I'll only ask you to stay away if it's for your own safety, Peeta."

I nodded.

"Thank you for everything. We could never repay you for what you've done, but when this is over I'll try…if I'm still alive."

"You will be."

Tigris patted my shoulder and opened the door. The crowd was thick. Katniss and Gale were only a little in front of me. The spacing was perfect actually.

As my feet hit the pavement of the street I saw a little of the misery inflicted on civilians in this war. The Capitol had been complaining of shortages of what we would consider luxuries in district 12 for some time. Now they were begging for clothing to prevent them from freezing to death and food for their starving children. Starving children…all too familiar. I saw a mother begging for water and food for a small child who was crying. A peacekeeper directing traffic looked sincere when he told her he had nothing to offer.

"Make your way to the mansion. They are trying to organize food and shelter there," he told her.

I thought of my nephew. He'd never even learned to walk. Had he been in the bakery when the Capitol bombed District 12? At home with Becki? I started to feel sick again.

Ahead of me, Gale and Katniss cut through the crowd. Because I was alone, I could keep up easily for a while. Then came the gunfire, and everything changed.

I instinctually hit the pavement. I must have learned something in District 13 after all. Beside me were the woman who had been begging for food and her toddler. She was lying motionless on the pavement, though I couldn't see any blood from where I was lying. The toddler wailed, and he was still standing. I yanked his arm hard until he fell. Then I pulled him up under my chest. He cried harder, and I counted.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, _this is real. I'm here and alive, and this is real. I have to stay safe. I have to stay down. I can't run. 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12._

Bullets continued to whiz over our heads. One man's small dog escaped his grasp. He ran after it and was hit by a bullet almost immediately. It was hard to tell who was being shot and who'd already been shot because both sets of people were crying and moaning at the same time.

_13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Make sure this little boy gets out of here alive. If you can do that then you'll be safe too. It's a reason to stay alive. He's a reason to keep fighting, and he should be more valuable than this! 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32…_

When I got to about 100 the boy's mother opened her eyes and turned towards her wailing son. I tried to turn away, but I was so focused on holding myself together that I was too slow. She saw him lying there underneath my chest. She turned her head a little, staring at me. Then she looked down at my legs.

The boy was reaching for her, and I laid my hand on his back so he'd stay low as he crawled to her.

Her lips parted. My heart raced. This was it. I was going to die right here, right now.

_Too real. 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108._

She mouthed the words, "Thank. You." Very, very slowly.

I let out a cautious sigh of relief and rested my head on the hand that had been steadying the boy.

His mother's eyes told me she knew exactly who I was.


	65. Raw

I wrapped my scarf around my face in order to hide my features better. The woman whose toddler I'd briefly sheltered from the gunfire scooted a little closer to me, making an attempt to hide me. The thought crossed my mind that some people in the Capitol might not hate Katniss and me even now. There might be people who didn't blame us.

Gradually the gunfire diminished and I felt safe enough to look up. Wounded and dead people were scattered up and down the street, and I was amazed that I didn't sink into an episode immediately when I saw all the blood and gore.

Ahead of me, I could see rebel soldiers standing on the rooftops. I quickly concluded that the rebels must be moving along the adjacent avenue and taking out as many peacekeepers as possible as they went. If that was true then they'd eventually have to cross into the avenue where I was.

Tigris had dressed Katniss in a red cloak. Fortunately red was not a stylish color for Capitol citizens that winter, and even in their rush to evacuate most of them had chosen something stylish to wear. How they managed to do that was a mystery to me. Maybe they simply rid themselves of old clothes every year so that stylish ones were the only ones they owned. I thought briefly about how every shirt I owned before the Hunger Games had belonged to both of my brothers first.

I had been able to follow Katniss by keeping my eyes on the red cloak so far. Scanning the crowd, I frantically searched for it again. When I couldn't locate it, I started to panic. I cursed my wandering mind for being distracted from protecting Katniss. Ducking from the gunfire was what truly caused me to lose sight of her though.

_Where is she? I have to find her! I have to keep her safe! _I thought desperately.

My eyes darted in every direction. I took the chance of raising my head higher to survey the crowd better. Soon I saw Gale and Katniss moving along the storefronts that lined the sidewalk of the avenue. Gale had a gun which seemed much too conspicuous to me! Just as I suspected they were taking too many chances!

I watched in horror as Gale shot a peacekeeper and handed Katniss the man's gun. I'd been recognized because a woman got a good look at me while I was trying to protect her child. What made Gale think he and Katniss wouldn't be recognized as the only civilians on the street holding guns!

By then the able-bodied people around me were beginning to stand. They were more terrified than ever, but they still managed to move in the direction of the president's mansion. The peacekeepers who had been directing them were no longer present. A few lay dead around us, and I suspected that the others had taken cover to regroup and attack the rebels.

Following Katniss grew harder as she moved further down the street because the crowd blocked me in all directions. Gale and Katniss moved faster along the store fronts. When the avenue curved sharply, I finally lost sight of them. The last glimpse of Katniss I had was the hood of the red cloak blowing off her head in the cold wind.

Crushing fear, that's what I felt.

_I'll never see her again. She's going to die. _I thought.

I moved along with the crowd feeling vacant, hollow, and lost.

/

"_Don't let go of my hand, Peeta." Papa says as we walk through the crowd._

_The idea of getting lost is terrifying. There's no way I'd let go!_

_I look down at the snowy ground. My boots are getting a little wet. Other boots, much larger ones, trudge along beside mine. _

"_My feet are cold, Papa." I complain. _

"_It's only a little further. Don't you want to see the train?"_

"_Yes."_

_We walk a little more, but my feet feel too numb for me to keep going. They don't work as they should._

_I pull on Papa's hand and obstinately refuse to move. The truth is that I feel like I can't move._

"_Peeta. Let's go." Papa says._

_I shake my head._

_Then Papa leans down. His hands are folded inward a little and he places the backs of his fingers on my cheeks. People are passing us on every side. _

_The sides of his mouth turn up slightly as his lips press more tightly together._

"_Sorry, son. You are cold, aren't you?"_

_Then with some effort Papa picks me up in his arms. _

"_Oh, you've grown so much! Not our baby anymore, are you? You'll be as big as your brothers before I know it!" He says as I wrap my arms around his neck. _

_Over his shoulder I watch new snow begin to fall. It's so pretty and white. Reaching out one hand, I catch snowflakes on my fingertips. They melt slowly._

_I hear the whistle and turn around in my father's arms making him shift how he's holding me a little. I'm not afraid he'll drop me though._

_Then I see it, the train! It's red, black, and silver. I've never seen anything so bright, shiny, and beautiful._

/

Suddenly a pain shot through my ears! I whipped my head around to try to discover the source of it. My hands instinctually covered my ears tightly, but that didn't relieve the pain. It felt like something was stabbing them from the inside out. All around me other people were covering their ears too, but I noticed that most of the middle aged and older people looked at the rest of us in bewilderment and didn't cover theirs. One woman tried to pull the hands of her teenaged son off his ears, but he kicked her when she managed to get one hand loose. I pulled my hand back slightly and felt the intensity of the pain increase dramatically. Slapping my hand back over my ear as hard as I could, I started to understand why the boy had kicked her. The crowd couldn't move forward because the members of the group who had their hands over their ears seemed paralyzed by whatever was causing their ears to feel like they'd explode. Older family members refused to leave the younger ones.

I pressed harder and harder against my ears and head, trying to block out the source of the pain which I knew had to be external. A few people fell to the ground beside me but still appeared to be conscious. My good knee felt wobbly too, and I knew I'd fall if it got much more unsteady. I chose to lower myself to the ground instead. The piercing pain was so intense that it took me back to the last time I was in this city.

/

"_Peeta," the woman in green says softly, even sympathetically. _

_My eyes open a little, and I turn my head slightly as a moan. I feel the stinging pain over most of my body grow worse because of the movement. _

_My arm stings the worst of all, and I know that means they aren't finished._

"_Peeta, how do you feel?"_

_I softly moan again feeling incapable of answering. This woman still doesn't seem to be that much help to me if she is really a rebel spy. _

_Though I don't know how long I've been under the tracker jacker venom, I know it's been long enough that I passed out from the exhaustion of trying to cope with it. They've never been able to keep it going so long before._

_Trying to breathe without moaning, I look at the woman. _

"_Stop it," I say in a raspy but coherent voice. Then I glance up at the venom in its benign looking plastic bag which dangles from the IV pole. "Nobody will…know." I add._

"_But they will, Peeta. They'll kill me, leaving you in more danger."_

_She rearranges the syringes on the little table beside me, a nervous habit of hers._

_I feel the sensation of the venom going into my arm. It burns so intensely. How much are they giving me now? How fast?_

"_Help me," I whisper desperately to her as I start to feel the venom take me again. _

"_I'm so sorry," she says. There's an unmistakable sincerity in her voice. She's trying to calm me, stroking my arm._

_My heart can't work the way it should when the venom affects it. It slows down, beats harder, and feels like it skips several beats often. Even though I am lying down I feel on the verge of fainting constantly when it courses through my veins._

_Trying to swallow despite my dry throat, I reach for the woman's arm with my hand. I grasp on with what little strength I have._

"_Then kill me," I choke out. My breathing becomes labored from the venom's effects._

_Her face takes on an anguished expression, and she looks on the verge of tears._

"_I can't. I'm so sorry."_

_My hand falls back on the bed with a thud. Defeated and in worsening pain, I moan again. I can't help it. The waves of nausea hit me. I turn my head to the side as the vomiting starts, but there's nothing to throw up. The way the heaving movements my body makes tire me shows how weak I am though. I'm unsure how much more I can take._

_The woman quickly frees one of my arms and loosens the restraints across my chest and waist so she could pull my upper body to the side._

"_Please don't try to hurt me. It'll only get you in trouble with the guards. I just don't want you to feel like you are choking or get anything that might come up into your lungs," she says._

_I shake my head slightly. I couldn't hurt her if I tried. Katniss once said I was strong; I'm certainly not anymore._

_Just being able to lay my free arm up against my chest is comforting, and I'm grateful for it even though that isn't why she freed my arm. I close my eyes and try to catch my breath as the vomiting subsides._

"_How many more?" I ask breathlessly as another wave of nausea hits._

"_I don't know. Until you are where they want you to be, I guess," she says sadly._

_Breathing through the nausea and pain, I look at her inquisitively. _

"_Until they've changed you…changed your mind," she continues._

"_They have," I say. "I can't…think."_

_Staring up at the IV bag again I plead with her, "Make it stop."_

"_I'm so sorry. I can't."_

_While I don't have the energy for tears, my chest fills with that deep sadness that usually accompanies them. _

"_I'm so sorry," the woman says again._

_The door opens abruptly as the man in green enters._

_And the sadness mingles with despair. _


	66. City Circle

Peacekeepers running through the crowd ended my disturbing recollections.

_I have to get out of here!_ I thought_. These pods are almost always lethal. I may have only seconds left. _

The peacekeepers running by used the butts of their guns to push the civilians away. Oddly, all of them appeared to be officers. Some had gray hair. They weren't covering their ears. One started shooting at a metal plate on the surface of the pavement. Sparks flew everywhere causing civilians to scream and back away as much as they could. Another officer hit the ground with a thud and reached his whole arm down inside an opening created by the repeated gunfire against the metal plate. He struggled with something inside the hole before lowering some kind of small metal device inside. Then all the peacekeepers backed away. Wary, the crowd did too.

Suddenly the noise stopped. Though still a little stunned, most of the crowd started moving forward again. Peacekeepers quickly moved in behind us, and it became clear that the pod had been turned off so they could move in rather than to save any refugees.

Gunshots rang out again. There was no way to hit the pavement this time, no room. We were packed in too close. The gunfire simply mowed down whole lines of civilians. As many as were able crouched down to get as low as they could. Others began to shield themselves with the bodies of the clearly dead; at least I hope they were dead.

The rebels poured in from the side streets to engage the peacekeepers. I looked towards the bridges over the canals. Refugees occupied them as well. In the street ahead of us, more refugees were caught between the two armies. The rebels were progressively moving straight towards the middle of City Circle and the president's mansion. Snow was buying time; he was buying it with our lives.

_Why doesn't that stubborn bastard just surrender! He'd rather let all these people die than admit inevitable defeat._

More peacekeepers! So many more! Rebels streamed in through the side streets. The civilians were literally crushed against the sides of the buildings along the sidewalks as the combatants met one another in mass. Glass crashed down behind me, and I looked around to see that a storefront plate glass window had been broken by a member of the crowd. While the people in the store pushed back, the refugees outside pushed inside. Soon glass was breaking everywhere up and down both sides of the street.

I managed to force my way into a window, but my arm caught on a glass shard on the way through it. I gritted my teeth and continued. If I stayed outside I would likely be crushed, and that would be far worse. The gash was deep. By the time I was inside the building, I'd covered it with my other hand. There was no time or means to tend to it further.

Once inside the building I saw that my situation was not really better. The store was actually a fancy café. People were pushing and fighting each other even though they were closely packed. There was a backdoor, and some refugees were escaping through it. I ran for the door, toppling over two women fighting over some bread that had apparently been found on the floor. Outside, my options ground to a halt. I only had one; make it to the bridge before the rebel army!

The crowd was slightly less dense here, primarily because there were fewer soldiers. I made my way as fast as I could towards the bridge, but others had the same idea. A bottleneck formed within minutes. As the rebel army pushed forwards, the refugees were again forced into danger. The bridge was the only "safe" place. Some civilians who couldn't get to the bridge were being forced into the canals where the water was ice cold. Shrieks of pain and fear could be heard.

_Some of these people will be dying of the cold in no time, _I thought. _This is all so senseless! _

The bridge was so close, but the crowd became a crushing mass of arms, legs, and bodies. I wasn't sure I could make it. My feet shuffled along as I was pressed into the back of the man in front of me. Behind me, a suitcase or bag hit my thigh and caused the knee of my good leg to buckle.

_I can't believe somebody is still carrying a suitcase! _

Even though I lost my balance, there was nowhere to fall! The pressure grew and the crowd crushed in further. Children gathered around their parent's legs and seemed to be the safest among us at the moment. They were small though, and if this lasted much longer they're small bodies would be crushed too. I was pressed so hard against the person in front of me that I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I asked myself, "_Is this how Katniss felt when I choked her?"_

Suddenly I'm somewhere else, the cornucopia with Katniss and Cato.

_/  
_

_"Drop him, Cato. Drop him to the mutts!"_

_"No, just shoot him. Why not? It's' much cleaner."_

_"I want him to watch what they do to him," Katniss says smiling._

_My face falls._

_What's she doing? I ask myself. She just saved my life and now she's going to let him…no encourage him…to feed me to mutant dogs?_

_"No time for that. You have me to contend with, remember?"_

_Katniss aims her bow._

_"Oh, I remember…you're next."_

_I fall…finally free of Cato's graps but…_

/

I shivered.

_Not real! Not real!_ I told myself.

A few people hoisted small children over their heads and were attempting to move them to safety along the raised hands of other members of the crowd. It was actually working. A few children were arriving safely on the bridge. I wondered how many would ever be reunited with living parents. As the people beside me struggled to raise their hands, I did too. Interestingly, we seemed to have just a little more breathing room, if only for a moment.

_I love you Katniss. _I thought._ If I don't make it back…or if you don't, I love you. And that is real._

_/_

_I'm not just watching Katniss walk home from school today, I'm following her. All those berries! Where is she getting them? She has to be going into the woods. How can she possibly have the courage to do that? Then again, hunger can drive people to take chances._

_Out of place in the Seam, I try to act as though I'm making a delivery. Even that would be unusual though. A few doors down from where I'm standing Katniss goes inside what I presume is her house. I hide between an old fence and a dilapidated shack across the street and wait. Katniss looks so much healthier, and I wonder how she's getting enough food. That's my excuse for following her, but I'm not sure it's my only reason._

_Katiss reappears on the porch wearing pants, high boots, and a brown jacket. She looks around as if she's trying to make sure nobody is watching her. Then she makes her way down to the end of the street. There isn't much there…except for the woods. I follow at a reasonable distance. _

_I'm 13 now. For 8 years I've been watching her. What's one more afternoon? I'm afraid of the woods though. Not only is it illegal to go in them, we've all been warned about the wild animals that live there. There are more than rabbits and squirrels! There are bears and mountain lions! And what about the fence? It's electrified._

_Katniss stops at the fence. Signs warn that it's a high voltage area. I duck behind someone's clean laundry handing on a clothesline. When I look around the sheets I'm standing behind, Katniss has her head close to the fence; she's listening. Then she pulls up the bottom a little and scoots on her stomach underneath it._

_Staring at the hole in the fence, I think about the consequences of the choice I'm about the make. It would satisfy my curiosity to follow her into the woods, but I might be caught by her. I might be caught by someone else too. My mother would be furious if I was caught; her punishment might be worse than what the peacekeepers would do. I think about the dangers of the woods: the animals, the drop offs, the poisonous plants. Then I run over and duck under the fence, crawling on my belly._

_Katniss walks stealthily but quickly. I have trouble keeping up with her. She's carrying some little bags with her. I assume that's what she uses for gathering. Sensing a goal to her wanderings, I consider exactly where she's going and why she's going there. Maybe there's a berry patch nearby._

_Then she stops in a clearing and puts her bags down on the grass. I hide behind an enormous tree._

"_Hey, Catnip. You're late." A male voice says. He sounds older than me; he has a deeper voice. _

"_Prim needed me to do something for her at school. You know I have to do everything like that. Sometimes I wonder if the teacher knows about my Mother," she says._

"_I don't know. I doubt it. Even if she does, she's not likely to say anything as long as you take good care of Prim. My Mom knows though. She makes it a point to know what's going on with you these days."_

"_Oh, really?" Katniss asks._

"_Yes, she likes the berries. She wants to stay in your good graces because you have a knack for finding them."_

_Katniss laughs under her breath. Katniss. Laughs. Acutally, that's pretty unbelievable. I feel my mouth drop open._

"_So, are you going to show me how to make those snares or what? I can't survive on berries forever, and I sure don't want to have to keep depending on you to hunt meat for me!" Katniss says mockingly._

"_Oh, is that it? What about your bow?"_

"_Ummm, I'm not so good with the bow yet."_

"_Well, you are better than me," Gale chuckles. "Keep practicing. Okay, this is a hoop snare. It's really easy to make and use. I've been using them…"_

_Who is this guy? I ask myself. Since I figure they're both staring at the snare he's showing her, I peak around the tree tentatively. It's Gale Hawthorne! My eyes roll back with disgust. Great! All the girls love him. Well, the Seam girls are the ones who openly love him. The merchant girls just wish they could love him, but their parents would disown them if they did. _

_Gale has his hands all over Katniss' hands, manipulating the snare around in her fingers, presumably to show her how it works. She's smiling. Is she smiling at the prospect of using the snare to catch a rabbit, or is she smiling because Gale is touching her fingers? _

_She should give me a chance, I think. I can do what he can do. I can do better. _

**_[AN - I'm thinking you all didn't like the last chapter much (although a few of you wrote reviews that said you did). Did you like this one better? Is the pace fast enough? Tell me the truth. I can take it. This is hard material to write. I'm not great with action scenes.]_**


	67. Cold

The sound of an explosion ripped through the air, and I hid my head in my raised arms. The explosion turned out to be about a block away though. We could see the gray smoke rising against the white clouded sky. Moments later the crowd lurched forward, and suddenly I could breathe freely again.

The man behind me put his suitcase on the ground and stood on top of it. He stared in the direction of the explosion.

"They're blowing up the walls around the government buildings. Maybe that will give us more room," the man said.

"Who is blowing them up?" The woman next to him asked.

"Maybe the rebels. That would mean they are on both sides though," the man said.

The woman looked at him with a worried expression. As impossible as it was for me to imagine that the people of the Capitol didn't seen this invasion coming, I did feel sorry for them in their lack of preparation. They had lead lives of distraction, and now they had nothing that could distract them from their suffering.

"I don't know. I just see the smoke rising above the walls around the treasury building. People are climbing over the walls. People, not soldiers"

More explosions followed. The crowd surged towards the bridge again. Before I knew what was happening, I was walking with the crowd across the bridge.

When I had almost reached the far side the crowd pushed forward again, knocking me into the woman in front of me. I heard a loud snapping noise and looked up in horror to see a suspension cable fly into the crowd about 10 yards away. More snapping sounds followed. The panicked crowd started pressing forward again, crushing those not be able to move fast enough. The next sensation I felt was the shock of the icy water.

/

_We've been looking for him for 2 hours now. I feel frozen, and I can't imagine that Ben has fared much better as he's been lost at least a few hours more than that. The one positive is that the snow has stopped, improving visability._

_I stop in the middle of…I'm not sure what. It's so hard to locate any landmarks in the snow drifts. Narrowing my eyes, I analyze the snow like I would a drawing that's only partially finished. Where does it need to be evened out? Where are the points that seem wrong or out of place? I walk a little further and do the same in the next area._

"_Ben!" I call. "Ben!"_

_As I scan the snow one more time, I see something that appears to be black or brown fabric._

_I run and fall on my knees in the snow, uncovering what I believe I've seen._

_I can feel his small arm, and that's how I know it's him. Even through my gloves I can tell that he's cold! So cold._

"_Oh, God. Please don't let him be dead. Please. Please. I can't go back and tell her he's dead! I don't know what to do!"_

_As I turn him over I can see that his face hasn't been covered. In fact, he's been rolled up into a ball almost like he'd formed a little blanket for himself out of snow._

_I lay my head on his chest and hear the faint sound of his heart._

"_Ben! Wake up." I say it softly as I'm shaking his shoulder._

_No, I think. Louder!_

"_Ben! Ben!" I yell as I shake both of his shoulders hard. "Wake up!"_

_He moves, but barely. His eyes flutter open for a moment._

"_Open your eyes!" I scream. "Open them!" _

_I give his arm a harmless but firm slap. I have to try to keep him awake._

___I yell for the group, but I don't hear them return my call. They must be too far away. I'll just have to try to make it back with him on my own._

_My fingers feel the chill of the wind when I remove my gloves to unbutton my coat. I take off my hat and pull it down over Ben's head and ears. Then I tie my scarf over it to keep his head even warmer. Reaching down to pick him up, I rest him against my chest. For once I'm thankful for the over-sized nature of the hand-me-down coat that I'm wearing, but wrapping Ben with me in my coat chills me. I wonder just how cold he really is. Of course, the goal is for me to warm him while I'm carrying him rather than for him chill me._

"_Alright, Ben. You just stay awake, okay. I'm going to take you to Becki. I know you want to see Becki, right?"_

_When he doesn't answer, I yell the question again._

_I feel him nod his head against my chest. _

_After wandering for a few minutes, I recognize the road to town. My arms are aching, and my feet are numb. I'm glad I joined the wrestling team this year though; otherwise I don't think I'd have enough strength to carry him this far. _

"_Mama!" I yell as I near the bakery. _

_She's outside getting firewood from the woodpile but drops it when she sees us. She runs over to me and looks at Ben gravely._

"_Is he conscious?" She asks._

"_No, he was moving when I found him. He's not anymore. He never talked," I answer._

"_Get him inside. Quick. Don't let Becki see him yet," she orders. _

_I do as I'm told, laying him on the counter in the bakery._

_His clothes are wet, and I start unbuttoning his shirt but realize that this time my fingers are much too cold to work. My mother lightly slaps my hands away and does the unbuttoning. _

"_Hand me some towels, Peeta."_

_I give her the ones we use in the bakery. This is no time to be particular about the laundry sorting. _

"_You can't warm him too fast; it could do more harm than good. He's not shivering though. He's too far gone for shivering. Not good," Mama says, thinking out loud._

"_It's bad if he doesn't shiver?" I ask._

"_Yes. Shivering is a way to keep warm. It stops as the body's temperature keeps going down. He's gotten so cold he can't shiver. Plus, he's fainted. This is bad," Mama answers. _

_Mama's emotional states are a subject I've studied extensively since knowing how she feels is a survival skill for me. Right now, she's scared to death that Ben, Becki's youngest brother, is going to die._

_After Mama's got the boy dried off, she wraps his body in a blanket and wraps his head in towels. He looks so fragile, nothing like the boy who runs to and from school every day._

_Sighing, Mama pats my hand, "Get your own wet clothes off, Peeta. You were out in the cold too long."_

_As I turn to go upstairs, I see Becki at the door. She runs to her brother and starts to cry, scream and…to my shock…curse. I sit on one of the stools. My arm falls to my knee as I helplessly watch her for a few minutes. She's trying frantically to get Ben to wake up and talk to her, and it's incredibly sad that he's not responding._

_Mama decides it's time to put Ben closer to the fire to continue warming him. I try to pry Becki's hands off of Ben's arms, but she won't let go. _

"_Becki, let me move him over by the fire," I plead._

"_He's so cold!" Becki sobs, "They'll take him away and not let me see him!"_

"_He's not dead, Becki. He's still breathing," Mama says in her gentlest voice. "We just want to warm him. Peeta won't take him away from you. You know that."_

_I turn to my mother, listening to her. When she is kind, she is very kind…and good. Feeling my brow wrinkle I look from the boy to my mother and then back to the boy. _

_Why are we hardest on those we love yet treat acquaintances with respect? I wonder. _

_Another sob from Becki brings me back to the task at hand._

_As much as I know Becki trusts me, she can't be convinced to let go of Ben._

_So I pick Ben up with Becki still grasping both his arms and awkwardly carry him to the floor near the fire._

_/_

As I hit the water, the wind was knocked out of me.

Then I gasped under the water from the stunning effects of the cold.

I immediately panicked over my lack of ability to swim and the fact that my lungs felt full of water already.

As I kicked my feet to try to get my head up I thought about how Katniss' swimming lesson at the Quarter Quell might have been helpful after all. As I break the surface of the water I see the suitcase and grab it. Amazingly, it didn't sink under my weight. Its owner is nowhere in sight, but I notice that people above me are grasping and hanging onto the remains of the bridge. Frantic screams fill my ears.

I lay my head down on the suitcase for a moment, trying to decide what I can do next. My arms and legs are not going to be useful much longer as they are already starting to lock up from the cold. Trying to ignore the chaos around me and mustering all the strength I have, I begin kicking my legs. The side of the canal is not far away.

As I reach the edge of the canal I realize that I've lost some of the outerwear I was using to disguise myself. Plus, I'm soaking wet and extremely cold. I take a chance and climb from the canal bed to the street. Once there I duck behind a building for relief from the wind and relative seclusion. I sit down, panting and shivering.

Something beside me moves, and I jump to my feet. It's only a cat, but how startled I am serves to remind me how scared I feel.

Leaning against the side of a building, near the dumpster, I slide my body down to the pavement.

I'm so cold, and I'm getting colder…shivering…shivering harder…then dizzy.

Taking my hand to my breast pocket, I feel the potential escape that's stored there. Unbuttoning my pocket, I take it out. Then, without thinking, I start to roll it around in my hand. I briefly fantasize about taking it. Calmness settles over me.

_This nightlock isn't going anywhere. I don't have to use it_, I think_. I'll just…keep it in my hand for a few minutes._

I'm so cold, and getting sleepy.

_Why am I so sleepy?_

Something tells me I should try not to go to sleep.

_Katniss,_ I think. _Where's…Katniss?_

_She's put the berries in my hand…twice._


	68. Billy

[AN: Peeta is getting very close to the mansion, and I think you'll be pleased with how things play out in the next few chapters. I think it's going to be a very unique ending to MJ from Peeta's POV...so stay with me. We are almost done. PS - send me some reviews if you have time, it always encourages me and gives me good ideas]

Still vaguely aware of what was happening around me, I heard the footsteps and then the voices. I was still sitting on the cold pavement, but my body wasn't so cold anymore.

"He's not talking and seems kind of stunned. He has hypothermia. Maybe a combat stress reaction too, who knows?" One voice said.

"Yeah, well. So does half of what's left of the division," another man said. As he knelt down and came into view I could see that the one speaking wore a rebel uniform with command insignia. The other man, who appeared to be second in command stood right beside him.

"He sure looks like Peeta Mellark, doesn't he? Any ID?" The commander asked.

"No."

"Huh. That's kind of strange," the commander pointed out.

"Maybe they wouldn't ID him since he's a VIP. ID might make him immediately identifiable to the enemy if captured."

I touched my hands to the warm plastic that covered me from shoulders to past my toes. It consisted of plastic layers and some kind of warm blue colored liquid or gel that ran through them. When I touched my fingers to it plastic layers, the gel would recede as if fleeing from my cold hand. Then it would return, radiating even more heat but never too much.

The commander reached down to my hand and tried to pull away the nightlock capsule which I was still holding in my palm.

Closing my hand in a tight fist, I made that impossible.

"Easy there. You're not going to need that, soldier. You can give it to me for safe-keeping," the commander said.

I knew I should do what he said, but instead I reached up and put the nightlock capsule back in the breast pocket of my shirt.

"Fair enough," the commander said.

He paused and turned his head curiously before asking, "Are you Peeta Mellark?"

Not knowing if I should try to answer, I sat motionless.

The commander sighed and said to his second in command. "We _really_ don't have time for this. On the other hand, if he is Mellark, I don't just want to leave him at any old field hospital. Get somebody from 12 over here so we can figure this out in a hurry. How 'bout Johnson?"

"Dead," the second in command said solemnly.

"Taylor?

"Dead. Killed near the bridge."

"Lucas? Jones?"

"Jones is missing; Lucas is dead."

"Hall?"

"Dead too, sir."

"Damn, who's left?" The commander said in frustration.

There was a pause before the other man answered.

"Smith, Webb, Gray, Cartwright, and Bell. Smith's wounded, but the medic says he'll probably live if we get him to the field hospital in time. Bell is seeing to his evacuation."

I heard the commander curse some more.

"There's not going to be anybody left from that little district when this thing is over," he pointed out.

I looked down at the pavement.

_No home. No people from home. What will I have left then? _I asked myself.

The commander noticed my reaction and tried to get me to meet his gaze by lowering and turning his head. He was unsuccessful.

"Get Cartwright over here," the commander ordered as he continued to look at me suspiciously. "He knows Peeta Mellark, I think. I heard him brag about it once."

A few minutes later Billy Cartwright's boyish face was right in front of me. He looked shocked, but other than being dirty he _looked_ the same as he had when he left 13

"Peeta! What're you doing here?" Billy asked impatiently. "I mean, how'd you get sent here?"

"Cartwright, you sure this is Peeta Mellark?" The commander inquired doubtfully.

"Yeah, he's like my sister's best friend. I've known him all my life. Our store was across and two doors down from their bakery in District 12. His family and my family…" Billy began, intending on finishing.

"All right, kid. I don't need a complete history," the commander muttered. "Soldier Mellark is coming with us. Get him ready, Cartwright."

Billy turned back to me, looking uncertain.

I shrugged in agreement.

Billy looked back at the commander who nodded affirmatively. "Good. That worked out well. We leave in 15."

After they'd left Billy leaned over to me, "You think you've gotten warm enough?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I need new clothes if I'm going to stay that way though. These are warm but still wet."

"Here," said a voice from behind me. A soldier who looked about Billy's age passed over a crumpled uniform and a military issued coat.

The boy looked at Billy genuinely. "There are no more dry uniforms. This one was Hall's; he'd want Peeta to have it."

Billy paused for a moment before tentatively asking, "Gray, where's Hall's body?"

"In that building," the boy Billy called Gray answered as he pointed down the alley. "I dragged it there. I knew we needed a dry uniform so I wrapped Hall in a sheet I found inside the building. I left a note about who he is and why he's there…He has his ID on him too…I…I," the boy stuttered, growing increasingly upset.

"You did the right thing," Billy said sensing the distress. "Really, you did. I would've helped you though."

"No, it was something I had to do myself…for him…and for Peeta. He'd have wanted to help Peeta," Gray said as he slung his gun over his shoulder.

Feeling moved by the boy's thoughtfulness even in the face of losing someone who was obviously his friend, I started to put on the uniform. I noticed the bullet hole and the mostly dried blood stains. The coat was in better shape. I made sure the coat covered the bullet hole for Gray's sake.

When we rejoined the commander his second in command was rattling off information while pointing to a small electronic map. "These pods are out. These are known pods that are still active. Over here are areas where command thinks the enemy can still detonate pods remotely. Command says the enemy's controlling the pods from this location," He pointed his finger to a building near the main block of government buildings. "We're to meet up with the 687th Special Forces unit and provide cover for them while they capture and / or detonate that facility. That'll effectively shut down every pod in the city circle and the mansion block."

"Sounds like a plan to me," the commander declared, "and we'll drop Mellark here off at the command center outside of these already detonated pods. Nice and safe." The commander pointed to an area that was not far away.

"No, I want to go with you. You can't expect me to stay at some command center when there are pods that need to be de-activated, not after what I've been through today." I said. "The sooner those pods are inactive, the better. I could be useful. Nobody in this group has seen more of the Capitol than me. I _lived _in that building for weeks at a time," I say pointing toward the training center two blocks away. "Besides, you can't just leave me somewhere against my will?"

"Actually, we can," the second in command said.

The commander held up his hand to signal his second in command to hold back his opinions.

"Soldier Mellark, I think you'd be more valuable to the war effort by letting command decide where you should be assigned."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but refrained. Command had not shown any wisdom so far in "assigning" me, at least not in my opinion.

"That said," the commander continued, "you are on your own; presumably your unit is missing or dead, correct?"

The commander smirked at me. I knew he was telling me to say, "yes" so I did.

"And since that's the case you are eligible to join a unit with a similar level of service and skill set in this army. That includes ours. Let's move out."

_Good. The closer I get to the mansion, the better_. I thought. _And if we turn off the pods then Katniss will be safer._

_/_

Walking through the streets, I saw that many civilians had surrendered to the rebels. Groups were walking by with their hands lying on their heads while armed guards escorted them. In the courtyards of the government buildings rebel soldiers searched the civilians and brought them into the buildings, presumably for shelter. Amazed that I saw no violence except for a few minor scuffles when contraband was found on a civilian, hope started to creep into my heart which had been so full of despair earlier that day.

Sadness started to settle in again when we walked through the courtyard of the treasury building though. A sign there read "unaccompanied children." Two female soldiers lead a group of 5 or 6 toddlers to the front of a line of dozens of other children crowded under the sign. One soldier had a baby in her arms.

"How are we supposed to figure out who he is?" The soldier with the baby said about him.

"I don't know. Ask those women from the church to take care of him until we get orders on what to do with the infants. We'll have to come up with some way for relatives to claim these younger ones."

Another soldier carried an electronic clipboard. He pinned a number to each of the older children's clothes. Then he asked each child to say their name and address before writing it on the clipboard. One boy choked up and couldn't speak. The soldier still gave him a number but told him that he'd come back later to ask about his name and address.

As we neared the edge of the area under rebel control, the sounds of battle could be heard again. Even though they were young, the boys in my new unit were an impressive team. They began traveling from building to building by darting into doorways and behind trash cans, making sure to clear the area of enemy soldiers and cover one another's movements into and out of the chaotic streets. I carried Hall's gun but did little to help with their efforts since they were making remarkable progress on their own. I simply followed them and tried to avoid detection.

When we reached the pod control facility, the Special Forces unit was nowhere in sight. That was no surprise. They were famous for their stealthy entrances. The second in command of our unit motioned for each of us to take up positions in adjacent buildings. Billy and I climbed a rusty fire escape ladder to the second floor of the building next door to the back of the facility. As we entered a second floor office, a terrified woman screamed.

Billy pushed her up against the wall with the side of his gun and arm while he covered her mouth with his hand.

"I thought this building was supposed to be deserted. Great," he said to me.

"Shut up!" he yelled at the woman, who was still making noise.

She whimpered and cried.

"I'm not going to hurt you, lady. Just be quiet. Peeta, give me that rope you've been carrying in your pocket."

"Um, that's…"

"Just do it! We've got work to do next door."

Billy tied up the woman, and she did obey his order for her to be quiet.

"I swear I'll make sure you get untied," he told her. "You just gotta' be quiet and let us work, okay. If you don't stay quiet we'll have to knock you out of something."

I winced at what Billy was doing and saying. What was the alternative though…something worse, I guessed?

We waited at the window, our guns trained on the back door of the pod control facility. The rest of the unit was positioned similarly but in other buildings. Billy said his unit was actually a special weapons unit not unlike the sharp-shooters in Boggs' unit.

"…But we're not famous," he said with a grin.

I looked back at the woman. Her eyes still revealed terror. I wondered if she recognized me and what might be running through her mind. Then I remembered that Billy had said my name.

[disclaimer: anything you recognize belongs to Suzanne Collins who deserves full credit for the story, characters and world of Hunger Games]


	69. Finding Her

Within minutes several soldiers in camouflage white and gray uniforms entered what appeared to be a rooftop ventilation system.

"Shouldn't be long now," Billy commented. His eyes focused unwaveringly on the back door of the building.

"Watch the roof, Peeta. I've got the door. They could send reinforcements from anywhere."

I reminded myself that Billy was fourteen and the last time I'd seen him he was learning how to build model hovercraft out of recycled materials with his friends in 13. A year before that he'd barely seen a hovercraft.

Scanning the roof, I was expecting an explosion. Instead I saw blinding flashes of light in the windows of the building and heard gunfire. Billy fired two shots. I looked down at the backdoor to find two peacekeepers lying there, blood seeping into the snow around them.

I stared at Billy for a second before turning my gaze back to the roof. He must have seen me out of the corner of his eye even though he was mostly focused on the back door.

"Don't look at me like that, Peeta. They killed my parents and your whole family," Billy said stoically while sweeping his aimed gun across his field of vision. "I don't shoot at anyone I don't have to kill to get us all out of this war, so don't ever look at me like that again."

He fired the gun one more time and hit his third and final target near the back door.

"I, huh, just didn't know you could shoot like that," I said quietly as I continued to scan the roof for signs of peacekeepers.

Billy was right though; what I felt was more than just that. "Judgment" would be too strong a word though; it was more like "concern."

"Katniss isn't the only one from District 12 who can shoot. Not anymore," Billy said dryly

A camouflaged Special Forces soldier appeared at the backdoor and motioned for us to come down.

"Stop," Billy said. "We have to wait for the signal to make sure there's no trap. He must have forgotten, but he'll remember in a minute."

Sure enough, the camouflaged soldier made the three finger salute sign with his hand. Its meaning had been expanded, at least within this group.

/

The inside of the pod control facility was like nothing I had ever seen. Though small, it made District 13's technology look primitive. Huge video screens lined the walls of the entire control room. Cameras all over the city relayed images to them.

Billy, Gray and I were assigned to the control room to guard the room and a prisoner who'd been captured during the take-over of the facility. The Special Forces unit brought three technology Specialists with them for the mission, and those Specialists were toiling away at the control terminals trying desperately to gain control of the pods. In the meantime Billy, Gray and I tried to coerce the prisoner into assisting with those efforts.

The prisoner was not cooperating, and Billy was beginning to lose patience.

"Tell us those passcodes. Now." Billy commanded.

The man stared at Billy defiantly as he had been doing ever since we'd been assigned to guard him.

"Look, this thing is over. Let's just shut these pods down and go back to our lives. Surely you've seen what's going on out there. You know that we're winning. It's only a matter of hours now. Give us those passcodes and maybe we can save some lives," Billy argued.

"We won't let Snow kill you, and we'll tell President Coin you cooperated. You have nothing to lose," Gray added.

The man looked away.

To my shock Billy pulled his arm back and backhanded the prisoner across the face.

"Next time it will be the end of this gun that I hit you with; now tell me the passcodes. There are hundreds of people at a time dying from those pod detonations…children, old people, civilians. It's senseless. We're not going to wait on Coin to try you for war crimes if you don't cooperate. We'll just take care of things right here and right now."

The man looked at Billy as if amused.

"You're just a kid; what do you know?"

"A kid with a gun to your head whose seen _your_ pods kill about a dozen of his friends. Don't mess with me. The only reason I'm not shooting you now is because you could save some lives if you tell us what you know," Billy said. He nodded towards Gray. "My friend is right though. If you cooperate, we'll spare your life and make sure leadership knows you helped."

The man turned to me, "You know she's dead, don't you? I killed her myself, _Peeta_." The man hissed.

I was rather tired of his dramatics, and I didn't take them very seriously by this point.

"Who? Katniss Everdeen? I doubt that," I said.

"Yes, the girl on _fire. _We targeted her specifically. She fell into a pit of mutts…sort of the same death as Finnick Odair. Very gruesome. Personally, I really enjoyed watching it," he answered.

For the first time, I wanted Billy to shoot the man. Instead, Billy hit him with the butt of the gun, and he slid down the wall into a sitting position on the floor.

"He's right," one of the technology Specialist said from a nearby computer terminal.

My eyes met Billy's, and I knew they must have revealed my despair.

"Watch him," Billy told Gray referring to the prisoner.

Billy walked up behind me as I stared at a large screen showing Katniss hanging precariously over a dark hole in a Capitol avenue.

"It was a pod detonation that created this crevice. People and everything else on the street were dumped into the hole." The Specialist pointed into the dark pit. "Based on the audio, he's probably telling the truth that there were mutts down here."

My knees started to feel weak.

"Is there video of her death?" Billy asked tentatively.

The specialist paused, "not that I can find, but I don't see how she could have gotten back up onto the street unless someone helped her."

_She's really gone this time,_ I thought. _Not even Katniss could escape that. She's gone. Chewed up by some mutt…or mutts. I won't even be able to bury her. _

As I sat down in front of the large screen showing Katniss' final predicament, I found that I was unable to take my eyes off of it.

_I should have been there, _I thought. _Maybe I could have pulled her up. I failed her. _

A part of me hoped the Specialists would find the video of her death so I'd know for sure what happened. Another part of me hoped they never would because it was too horrible to even imagine much less see.

"Peeta, you okay?" Billy asked as he walked closer to me.

"I don't know," I said slowly. "Katniss was so brave, and she seemed invincible sometimes. I can't believe that she's dead." I paused, realizing I was speaking of her in the past tense, "and I'm still alive."

"We're in. We've breached the pod control system," one of the technology Specialists announced. All three of the technology Specialists began trying to shut down the remaining pods as quickly as possible.

"There are so many more than we thought there would be, Sir," one of the Specialists told the Special Forces Commander. "One of our divisions is coming up on these. The lights are the pods," he explained.

I looked away from Katniss to see what the Specialist was talking about. The screen was lit up with pods.

"Are they automatic or detonatable?" The commander asked.

"Some of both. Some can be switched from one mode to another, I think."

Another Specialist chimed in frantically, "they've turned all of them on. The triggers are automatic and active. _All _of them."

"It's some kind of failsafe. This is bad. Even if we blow up this facility, I don't think the pods will stop functioning. They'll still trigger automatically," another Specialist added.

The prisoner in the back of the room chuckled a little, causing several of us to look back at him.

Incensed, Billy stormed over and threw the man up against the wall. Though Billy wasn't a very big guy, he certainly was strong and could be very intimidating.

"Tell us how to turn them off! You're going to kill all those people! City Circle is full of civilians!" He screamed.

The prisoner said nothing, but the smile faded from his face.

"Not enough for you to kill harmless civilians in District 12, now you've gotta' kill yours too?" Billy asked furiously.

Billy couldn't have been yelling louder. His voice was full of frustration, indignation, rage, and something else I couldn't quite place.

"Put up the pictures of who's in City Circle," Billy called to the technology Specialists. "Put them up there so he has to watch his people burn to death the way I had to watch mine!"

Then I knew what it was…grief.

Within a few seconds every screen except the one showing Katniss became filled with live images of civilian refugees crowding City Circle. People of all ages were huddled in the cold. A girl dragged her doll along the pavement, obviously weary from her travels. An old man struggled to help his wife along. Families fought to stay together in the chaotic crowd. A woman sat on the curb looking dazed.

"I don't think you know who the enemy is." Billy said ominously, his eyes narrowing as his hands encircled the prisoner's throat, "I'm the enemy. I'm the enemy, and I'm right here."

Nobody stopped Billy, not even me. I did turn away though.

I didn't want to look back to see if Billy had choked the prisoner to death. Confused by how I felt, I realized that I wouldn't be sorry if he did.

_What's happened to me,_ I thought. _Even in the Hunger Games, I didn't felt this way._

Sometimes in prison I'd felt an intense need for revenge…for justice. Carrying out "justice" right here in this control room seemed wrong though, yet Billy's efforts might to be more about convincing the man to turn off the pods than revenge.

Then I heard a loud thud beside me as the prisoner landed against the control panel to my right.

He started touching the screen, and the lights representing the pods started to go out one by one. I watched him, shocked to see what he was doing. Then I wondered if he was simply making it look like he was turning off the pods instead of really doing so. He glanced over at me once, his face blank. Gray stood behind him, guarding him. I looked back to find Billy staring at the people on the screen and mumbling something to himself.

"This rebel army unit is coming up on a group of pods," one of the Specialists said pointing out some glowing lights.

The light flashed off in front of the area where the specialist pointed within seconds.

"Put that on one screen," the Special Forces commander ordered. The rebel soldiers appeared on screen, marching unsuspectingly towards City Circle.

The room became silent except for the prisoner's fingertips tapping on the touch screen.

The first few members of the division on the screen crossed the area where the pods were located. Nothing happened, but I knew the trigger could be set on a delay. As the rest of the unit cross the pod area, I let out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding.

Lights went off all over the screen one by one, and no pods detonated.

I watched the prisoner. He seemed to be carrying out the deactivation with absolutely no emotion.

I decided to say something. Maybe he'd killed Katniss, and maybe he hadn't. He'd save countless lives in the end though.

"You're saving a lot of lives, and…that is admirable," I said.

"Shut up. You should be dead. I'd kill you now if I could," he replied.

_There are just some people with whom you can't make peace_, I thought.

I turned back to that last picture of Katniss on the screen. What a terrible last image of her it would be. The man who was our prisoner had such hatred for me though. Maybe he was lying just to see me suffer from thinking she was dead. Then again, that might be wishful thinking on my part.

I glanced at the live pictures of City Circle. There was an area where children had been gathered in what appeared to be a garden or courtyard. Of course, such places always caught my attention. I had a soft spot for children in jeopardy, and it was really no mystery why. Then, near that same area I caught a glimpse of _her. _At first, I thought I was imagining her.

"Zoom in on that area," I said urgently to the technology Specialist while pointing at Katniss. Seeing how agitated I was, he did exactly as I asked and then looked back at me.

"Katniss," I whispered.

"That's her?" The Specialist asked doubtfully.

"Yes, definitely," I said softly as I turned around to the Special Forces Commander. "How can I get down there? It's only a block and a half away. Get me down there."


	70. Flagpole

The Special Forces Commander shook his head. "City Circle is packed with people," he said motioning to the screen. "You'll never get through. We don't know with absolute certainty that all the pods are off. Someone could recognize you. The enemy could be specially targeting you too without your knowledge. There are a million bad outcomes."

"Someone could recognize _her. _A pod could kill _her_," I said as I made my way to the closet in the back of the control room. I grabbed a dark coat and red scarf that probably belonged to one of the people who worked there.

"You're not going to stop him, you know. Not unless you hold him here against his will somehow," Billy told the Commander. "When it comes to Katniss he acts before he thinks, and he's not afraid of things that would terrify other people."

I glanced at Billy, unsure if he was encouraging the Commander to try to detain me or just stating the facts that were obvious to him.

"She _is_ the Mockingjay; shouldn't we protect her?" Gray asked.

"We have no orders to do that," the Commander said in frustration. You kids from 12 seem to think you can follow your own rules." He stopped to look at the screen for a moment.

"But I don't always disagree with them," he added with a hint of admiration.

"Sir, there are these tunnels," the technology Specialist said as he pointed to the map on the screen that was now free of lights indicating active pods. "We heard these tunnels under City Circle might still exist from Plutarch, but we weren't sure. Now we know they're still here. If the pods are off then these tunnels would be safe. Not only could we allow Peeta to try to protect the Mockingjay, Special Forces could also gain easier and quicker access to the mansion.

"Where are the tunnels? How do I get there?" I asked, wanting desperately to end this debate and get going.

"Hold on, Mellark. Let me get some of my troops up here, and I have to notify Command of our plans to get their approval."

"I'm not waiting for that," I said as I walked over to the map. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the Commander look at Billy who shrugged as if to say "I told you so."

The entrance to the tunnels was in the basement.

I started towards the stairwell hoping that everyone would be so dazed to see me actually leave that they wouldn't try to stop me.

"I'll go with you," Billy said, tossing a coat over his shoulder and running up to join me.

He turned back to Gray.

"See you when this is over."

Gray nodded.

I was beginning to see that Gray was the only close friend in his unit that Billy had left, so I could understand this "goodbye."

"We'll tell Special Forces you're down there if they do take to the tunnels. Good luck," the Commander called after us.

"I can't believe he's letting us go. They could Court Marshall us for this. We have no orders," Billy said.

"They won't court marshall us," I told him. "When the war is over, they'll be a thousand people in more trouble than us."

In the basement we found a heavy metal door. It was ajar; its electromagnetic lock having been unlocked already.

The narrow and dimly lit tunnels wound around the basements of the government buildings. I felt intensely aware of exactly where I should go as if being guided by some unseen force. I never doubted I was on the right path. I had always had a rather good sense of direction, but this level of confidence in such an unfamiliar place was uncanny.

"I think we're getting close," I said quietly. Billy looked around the next corner suspiciously. Even though there were numbers painted near the top of the concrete walls of the tunnel, Billy and I didn't know what they meant. I was simply estimating that we were nearing Katniss' location by the distance we'd walked, the fact that we hadn't encountered the mansion, and the strange sense I had of exactly how to find her.

"It looks like that's how you get up to the street," Billy said as he pointed to a hatch above us with a ladder underneath. Instead of the pull-down type ladder so common on buildings, this one was a pull-up ladder that could only be used from the tunnel. Billy and I pulled it up as fast as we could and secured it to the hooks made to hold it. It automatically rose to the level of the hatch. Billy climbed up and struggled with the hatch for a few minutes.

"I can't get it open," he called to me.

I looked around and discovered a red switch on the concrete wall.

I was about to flip it when he said, "You don't think that will turn the pods in here back on, do you?"

"I suppose it could. Is that a chance you are willing to take?" I asked him, knowing it was one I was willing to take.

"Yeah. I think it operates the hatch. I really do. I was just thinking worst case scenario," Billy answered.

"I think you've already made sure we don't experience the _worst_ case scenario today," I said with a slight smile. I was proud of him, and proud to call him my friend.

Flipping the switch, I held my breath.

The hatch popped open, and Billy and I quickly crawled up through the circular door and onto the street.

A crowd surrounded us, curiously staring. My heart pounded, fearing I'd be recognized. The civilians seemed particularly panicked. I could understand why when I heard gunshots down the block. Several of the men gazed into the empty tunnel. I hadn't thought that the people in City Circle might discover the tunnels and see them as a place of refuge because we used them, but that's exactly what happened. The civilians started lowering themselves into the tunnel and paid almost no attention to Billy and me.

We pushed against the crowd to make our way toward the mansion. I could see the garden where I thought the children were. I didn't see Katniss though.

"You see her?" Billy asked.

"No."

I scanned the crowd, but it was hard to see over the heads of others. Katniss wasn't very tall, and finding her in the throng of people wasn't going to be as easy.

"Wait," I said stopping dead in my tracks.

"What?" Billy asked.

"That's her!"

Katniss had scaled a flagpole and was hanging on to it, apparently surveying the crowd and situation. My chest filled with that familiar warmth that was associated with Katniss, and I pushed into the crowd with more determination than ever. Billy called to me, having trouble keeping up.

_I have to get to her. I have to keep her safe. She's all alone. _I thought.

Then out of nowhere, a hovercraft with Captiol markings appeared.

_It must be here to evacuate Snow, _I thought, _perhaps the Special Forces are about to capture him and he knows it._

Suddenly gray parachutes began floating down from the hovercraft to the children in the garden. The children reached out to take them eagerly. They cradled them in their arms as if they were precious treasures.

My head felt a little fuzzy all of a sudden. I felt like I should know what the parachutes were, but I couldn't quite place them in my memories. I felt my heart begin to pound.

_Not now! No episodes now!_ I told myself.

I pushed ahead, hoping that seeing Katniss would ground me and help me avoid an episode the way her kiss outside the sewer had.

Then, simultaneous explosions lit up an area in front of me…where the children were. Some of the parachutes were bombs.

My thoughts became increasingly foggy. I was still on my feet though.

_I can't do this. Not here, not now. _I thought.

Katniss was right in front of me; I could see her.

/

_I rock back and forth, hugging my knees close to my chest as I sit on my bed. _

"_Let's go, Peeta." I hear my father call from downstairs._

"_Why are you going? You don't know any of them," My mother grumbles at Papa. "And why are you taking Peeta?" _

"_Actually, I do know some of them, Marilyn. You know that. Stop being ridiculous," Papa replies._

_He doesn't address why he's taking me, but the truth is that I asked to go. I'm wearing my best shirt, and I've combed my hair. Graham appears in the doorway, also dressed for the memorial service._

"_You're going too?" My mother complains._

_Graham looks at Papa._

"_It won't last long, Marilyn. The service is for the whole District. Why don't you come?"_

"_I'm not going. People who live in the ground like vermin will die that way too. It's expected. No need for a service," she answers._

_I can feel my face wrinkle into an expression of disgust._

"_There's no response to a statement that cruel that I'm willing to say in front of my children. We'll talk when I get home," Papa says bitterly. There are definite limits to the amount of bigotry he allows her to spew into our home. She's crossed a line._

_Papa sees the grocer exiting his store as we leave the bakery and the two strike up a conversation. Graham and I trail behind._

"_How's Katniss? Have you seen her?" Graham asks._

"_No," I reply sadly as I kick a rock all the way across the street._

"_She'll be all right." Graham says. He doesn't sound confident though. It's more like he's trying to make me feel better._

"_I wouldn't be if it were my father."_

"_True, but your father protects you. At least he does sometimes. I don't think it's that way at Katniss' house."_

"_What do you know about Katniss' house?" I ask cautiously._

"_I have a friend who lives near her. My friend says good things about her family. So, I think Katniss will be all right. Her mother is a healer and can earn money. Katniss'll grieve for her father for sure, but I don't think anything really bad will happen after this. Losing him will be the worst of it."_

"_Why are you telling me this?" I ask him defensively._

_He stops in the street for a moment and looks to see how far away Papa is._

"_Because I know that you really care about her. For some reason when that girl hurts you do too. I saw it at the mine, and I've seen it a few other times too."_

_I roll my eyes._

"_Graham, you don't even know what you are talking about. You're not that much older than me."_

"_I'm old enough to know that it's unusual. I don't want you getting into trouble Peeta. You have to take care of yourself. Mama is too…well…the way she is. You have to be tough. You have to make sure to act exactly the same and not let this thing with Katniss get you down. If you need me to help you, then ask."_

"_I don't need any help," I told him. Then guiltily I add, "Thanks though."_

_When we reach the square we see that mining hats for each victim of the explosion have been laid on a special table. Of course, they aren't their mining hats, just mining hats. The mayor delivers a solemn eulogy for the miners. He talks about how brave they were and how important to Panem their work has been. He leads a prayer, and then he asks one member of each grieving family to come forward to receive a medal as he calls the name of their fallen loved one. _

_I hear him call Katniss' father's name and watch as she slowly walks up the steps of the platform. She's stoic as the mayor puts the medal over her head, and it settles against her chest. Her piercing gray eyes gaze into the crowd. _

_Graham looks at me, pressing his lips together with concern. Then he glances back to Katniss as she joins a group of family members on the other side of the platform._

_He's right; I do hurt when she hurts. And even if she doesn't show it when she's hurting, I do._


	71. Fire

People in white ran past me towards the children. They were medics from District 13. Peacekeepers picked up rubble and tossed it aside to try to get to them too.

Looking down allowed me to escape seeing the children; there was no way to avoid hearing them though.

_No matter how long I live I'll never stop hearing them, _I thought.

I wished that I could help them, but I knew I couldn't. Trying to help would just push me over the edge.

_Katniss._

My rattled mind remembered that she had been right in front of me before the explosions. I looked in front of me, but I only saw that the peacekeepers had made a clear path for the medics from District 13 and…Prim?

_I must be worse off than I realized. Prim can't be in the Capitol. I'm seeing things that aren't there again,_ I thought.

Focused on my hallucination, I didn't notice Katniss approaching. Prim turned towards Katniss, and Katniss reached for her.

_There's nothing there, Peeta. I can't see anything. I'd be able to see it if there was something there, _Johanna had said.

_Katniss can see Prim too!_ I thought. _Prim must really be there, unless Katniss isn't really there either._

_Whatever you see; touch it_, Johanna had said.

I ran towards them, to see if they were real and protect them if they were.

That's when it happened. Loud explosions began, occurring split seconds apart. A plume of fire formed over the wall. Prim was so close to it. I watched in horror as the pressure, flames, and heat consumed her. Katniss reached for Prim even though there was no hope of saving her.

"Can't help her!" I screamed to Katniss, who was still moving towards the flames instead of away. I could barely hear my voice over the roar of the explosions though. Katniss certainly couldn't hear it.

Then Katniss turned around, her eyes full of agony. I thought she looked that way because she'd just seen her sister…die, but then I realized Katniss had been too close also.

I pushed her to the ground, trying to put out the flames as my coat caught fire in the process. I rolled onto the ground and rolled her around with me.

More screams, chaos, and scurrying footsteps followed. I stopped rolling and landed on my back feeling strange, so very _strange_. Looking down I could see that my hands were burned badly, but they didn't hurt that much until I looked at them.

Katniss' mother had mentioned this once when caring for someone who'd been hurt badly by the peacekeepers in 12. Shock. Chemicals in your body that make you feel you are in a dream. Natural numbing of pain that's almost like morphling. It doesn't usually last long if I remember correctly.

I looked to the side. Katniss was laying there. No more flames.

The hand closest to Katniss was burned less severely than the other one. I reached out for her and gently touched my wrist to her shoulder.

She didn't move, except for the slight movement of her shallow breathing. It gave me hope.

Her cloak covered her face except for a little area near her mouth.

Pain began to grow in my back, chest, side, and forehead. My vision grew hazy.

Wanting to look at Katniss, I reached up painfully and pushed the hood of the cloak off her face

I choked out her name then coughed forcefully from the effort.

Her eyes fluttered open and softened as she stared at me. The corners of her mouth lifted ever so slightly. Her face wasn't burned, but I knew she was hurt badly because if she weren't she'd be on her feet by now.

"I love you," I said. My voice was raspy, but I'd said the words none-the-less.

She closed her eyes as if she was letting the words sink in. They seemed to calm her. I knew they calmed me. To say what I'd felt when she knew I wasn't being forced to say it and after _everything_ was freeing. The fear was gone.

I wanted her to know, just in case, even if she didn't remember. I hoped she'd remember.

Her eyes stayed closed, but she breathed in and out evenly.

"Peeta!" Billy said frantically, falling to his knees beside me and looking me up and down from head to toe. He pulled me up by my shoulders and took off my coat, stopping once to shake his fingers. It must have been hot still. He tugged on my shirt a little, but left it on after looking at it carefully. Then he took his own coat off and laid it under and around me. I glanced back at Katniss and whispered her name.

He looked even more distressed; clearly he'd been so focused on me that he hadn't realized she was there.

Billy disappeared from my hazy view for a moment, and I looked over to find him tending to Katniss.

Then he rushed back to me.

"How's Katniss?" I whispered.

"She's breathing. Unconscious. She's burned, but I'm not gonna' pretend that I know how bad."

Billy called to a rebel medic who was hurrying by. The medic leaned over me, recognition all over his face.

I glanced back at Katniss, and Billy understood.

"He wants you to take care of her first," Billy told him.

Billy stayed with me as the medic moved over to look at Katniss. The medic was blocking my view of her.

"You're going to be all right, Peeta. Both of you will be," Billy said.

His eyes looked red, and his face revealed his fears.

He put his hand on my arm, being careful to avoid my burned hands.

Something told me he'd been in the position of holding onto a badly injured friend and hoping for the best far too many times for a boy his age..or anyone really.

The pain was taking over, and I couldn't help but show it.

The medic came over.

"We're going to take you to the hospital."

I glanced back at Katniss, breathing hard through all the awful sensations bombarding me.

"Her too," the medic said. "Her first," he corrected when he saw my response. "You need the burn unit. You have some serious burns, and I think your lungs are damaged too. I'm planning to give you something to make you sleep so we can use a machine at the hospital to keep you breathing. Do you understand? You're going to be asleep a lot, but when you wake up you're going to be hurting, probably a lot more than you are right now. It's going to be very painful to heal, but you probably will. Do you understand?"

All the while he was putting an IV needle in my arm, and I was trying not to think about tracker jacker venom.

Whether it was anxiety from what he was saying and doing or just my breathing getting more difficult on its own, I couldn't answer. I could barely breathe in and out.

Just close your eyes and keep them closed for a minute if you are all right with what I just told you I was going to do. This is a big deal, and I don't want to do this without at least knowing you understand.

I closed my eyes.

Billy squeezed my arm.

Moments later I felt lightheaded, and very cold hands were touching my face.

I briefly felt like I was choking a little, and I could hear the medic talking to Billy. He was telling Billy how to do something. Billy took his hand off my arm, and I felt a few of his fingers touching my face instead.

_Please help me breath. I feel like I'm dying._ I thought.

The choking sensation got worse until I fell into the blackness of a drug induced sleep.

/

_I'm tugging on her skirt, wanting something. I've forgotten what._

_Mama leans down._

_"What do you want, Sweetie?"_

_I run away and hide behind the counter. She's quiet. Has she gone away? I get a little scared that I won't be able to find her._

_My fingers grasp the finished wood of the counter as I peek around it._

_Mama's looking right at me. She laughs. "Want this?"_

_She's holding up a tattered blanket._

_I run towards her._

_But I trip and fall hard onto my hands and knees on the wooden floor._

_I start to cry because my knees and hands sting._

_"Awww, you're alright Peeta," Mama says. She kneels down and kisses my forehead. "You're alright. You'll be alright."_

_She presses the side of my head against her shoulder._

_"Shhh," she says. "You'll be alright."_

[AN - this is an important and emotional chapter; tell me what you think of it. It would help me a lot to hear your opinions]


	72. Limited Possibilities

There was a constant hissing that reminded me of Snow and the mutts hissing Katniss' name. It kept me perpetually on edge. Sometimes the thing making the hissing noise tried to suffocate me, and I remembered how Katniss had asked me not to let Snow take me away from her. I still didn't want Snow to win either. So I fought hard against whatever it was that was trying to suffocate me. Then I'd feel an unnatural kind of relaxation and fight even harder until sleep completely overwhelmed me.

/

_Her pigtails fly behind her as she swings on the playground swing. Katniss loves to swing. She always swings high. She never wastes time staying close to the ground and twisting the chains around while chatting with friends the way the other girls do. Sometimes she watches people, always with her signature intensity. When I think she can't see me, I watch her too._

_/_

I felt a familiar hand on my arm. My face crumpled into an expression of pain as I became increasingly aware.

"Don't wake him," Haymitch said insistently. "Let him sleep; it's awful for him when he wakes up."

"Sorry," Delly replied in a trembling voice.

Trying to raise my hand to acknowledge Delly, I found that I couldn't.

/

_Katniss owns 2 school dresses, a blue one and a green one. She also has a dress she wears for special occasions. It's yellow, and I just melt whenever she wears it. The style of the dress reveals its age; it was probably Mrs. Everdeen's when she was younger. Katniss looks so pretty and grown-up in it though. _

_I want to wrap my arms around the little belt that forms the waist of that yellow dress. _

_Wonder what Katniss would do if I ever did that? I ask myself. Who knows? I think with a slight smile. Her feistiness can be so endearing._

_The yellow dress has buttons up the back. They're kind of butter colored as if they've faded over the years. The button at the very top is missing and has been replaced with a clear one. You can only see the clear button when Katniss braids her hair. As she drops the braid down her back again, the clear button disappears. I think of that clear button as a secret that only I know about her. I suppose other people could know about it, but they probably wouldn't pay attention. Gale wouldn't pay attention. He'd just unbutton that button. I'd…I'd…pay attention…first. _

_I think about what it would feel like to unbraid Katniss' hair, each little section landing on my fingers. I'd kiss her lips and her neck while I did it so if I pulled her hair by accident she wouldn't even noitice. She'd lay her head on my shoulder as I finished, and I'd raise her chin to kiss her again._

_I have to stop thinking about her before I utterly embarrass myself. _

"_Peeta?" Delly says. "Are you going to help me with this project or am I going to have to do the whole thing myself?"_

"_Um, you do the whole thing yourself?"_

"_I don't think so," she replied with a half-smile._

_A lump of coal rests in front of us on Delly's desk._

"_Why does it always have to be about coal?" I whine._

_Delly starts laughing._

_Katniss turns around and looks at Delly. Then she stares at me curiously._

_/_

_He looks like he did the day he married Becki. He's wearing the same clothes as that day as well. He knows things that he couldn't have known at eighteen though. Amazingly, he knows things that have happened since he died. On his shirt is the white flower that Becki's mother pinned there on his wedding day. Graham looks down at it and smiles just a little._

_Nobody in the Capitol would have known about the flower, even if they knew what Graham looked like at eighteen. This is how I remember Graham, not something they placed in my mind. He's just an apparition, a figment of my imagination. I am sure of it. He seems alarmingly real to me though. So I treat him like he's my brother. How could I not?_

_He makes eye contact with me._

"_Are you really here, Graham?" I ask._

"_In some ways I am, and in some ways I'm not."_

_I start to tear up, but I'm surprised that the tears are for me and not him._

"_Do you know if I'll get better or not? I'm…afraid," I ask cautiously, embarrassed to tell even Graham how I truly feel. _

_I pause to gather my courage._

"_I've never felt anything like being burned. I don't know if I can keep enduring this pain or if I'll ever heal. Whenever I wake up, I just pray they'll knock me out again. I hate the noises here too. That hissing noise is constant. Some of the other sounds are like the ones I heard in prison when they tortured me. My arms are tied down and...I just can't handle this. I think I should be able to handle it."_

"_Anybody would be afraid of all of that, Peeta. Anybody would feel like they couldn't handle it."_

_Suddenly my attention shifts abruptly to another fear._

"_Are you here because I'm dying?" I ask Graham in a trembling voice. _

"_No," He says defensively as he shakes his head. "I'm here because you know you need me. That's all. You need someone you trust to tell you everything will be okay. That's me. I've been doing it since you were about five." Graham grins._

"_Yeah, I guess you have."_

"_You'll get better," Graham continues, "In fact, the burns and your lungs will heal faster than some other things."_

"_What other things?" I ask._

"_All the pain you have been carrying around inside you for so long. That'll take longer to heal. Some of it never will, and you'll just have to learn to let it go as much as you can. You are good at forgiving already. It's just one more step," he continues._

_Graham adjusts the flower on his shirt, staring down at it again._

"_I loved Becki so much."_

"_I know. I'm sorry you didn't get to love her longer," I'm quickly overcome with sadness for him when he mentions his wife, but he is still smiling. _

"_She was so special to me, and she made me happy. She was my best friend, my lover, the mother of my child, and someone that I truly admired. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was good. I want you to have that, Peeta."_

"_Do you think I can after…I mean…after what's happened to me since you've been gone? I'm a little unpredictable these days."_

"_You'll just have to work harder than ever to handle your feelings, but you've always had to work at that to some degree. There have always been lots of strong feelings and lots of reasons to have them," he explains sympathetically._

_There is a pause while Graham just stares at me as if he's trying to decide what to say next._

"_Katniss will want more than anything to marry you, but she won't think she deserves you," he finally says._

"_Katniss will what?" I ask in disbelief._

"_The truth is that she probably doesn't deserve you, Peeta. I'm not just saying that because I'm your brother either. You're going to have to decide if you want to spend your life with Katniss. She's such an incredible person in so many ways, but she has…limited possibilities."_

"_How do you know that?"_

"_I just know," he says solemnly. "You know too. I can only point out what you already know. How much do you love her, Peeta? _

_Why can't he say anything nice about Katniss? I ask myself. He's never been so critical of her before._

"_She's going to be sick, sicker than she's ever been. She'll be sicker than her mother ever was. You've been through hell, and she has too. She's not going to have your resilience after the war. She'll break your heart by withdrawing again, just like she did when she ignored you after the Hunger Games and after you lost your mind. I think maybe you need to be happier than that. What do you think?" He asks._

"_She'll die if I don't help her though, won't she?" I ask._

"_She might, but maybe someone else can help her. Maybe you're not the only one who can save her. It's possible that she can even save herself. I care about Katniss too, but you're my brother."_

_He pauses and looks behind him._

"_Peeta, I'm sorry, but I have to go. Just remember that even though I'm not here, I love you. I'm still your brother. That never dies."_

_My chest aches with grief and guilt. "You know I think I killed you, don't you? If we hadn't tried that plan of Beetee's in the arena then maybe..." _

_Graham's face grows sad. "The man who shot me killed me. Forget about how I died, Peeta. Just live your life. I had a good life. It just wasn't as long as yours is going to be."_

"_He looks behind him and smiles. I've really got to go. I'm so sorry."_

"_Will I see you again?"_

"_Only if you need me," he says turning away._

"_But I still need you now. I need you all the time. You've always been there for me. Please don't leave again. I don't have anyone."_

"_Yes you do, Peeta. There are so many people who love you and need you. There always have been."_


	73. Healing

/

_I wake up disoriented because I'm not at my house or even my Victor's Village house. I'm on the train but not in my room. I'm lying on my back, and a small hand is lying across my chest. I follow the hand and arm with my eyes until I see the girl I love. I feel warm all over when I realize I've been sleeping beside her all night. A hopeful smile slowly creeps across my face._

_She stirs, and I try to be still. When she settles down she's on her side snuggled right next to my chest. Her hand is still resting in the same place, and she starts moving her fingers up and down gently. Her touch is so light, soft, and soothing. When she breathes, I feel her move against me. She's that close. I feel like I'm floating._

_As she stirs again, she becomes more purposeful. Her other hand touches my hair, my ear, and my neck. She doesn't ask my permission, even with her eyes. I don't mind. Who would have thought that a hunter and survivor like Katniss could touch me so softly and sincerely as this?_

_"Thank you," she says._

_"For what?" I ask, my voice shaking with the intensity of everything I'm experiencing._

_"For holding me and making me feel…safe," she answers._

_"I liked doing it, and I'm glad I could make you feel better," I whisper._

_"I want to make you feel better too," she says gently, sweetly. It's a voice Katniss uses discriminatingly, and I feel honored that she's using it with me._

_"You are," I say as calmly as I can, hoping for more but expecting nothing._

_She hesitates, and then she runs her fingers more widely across my chest and stomach._

_I stifle the sounds I might otherwise make, but I can't hide how deeply I'm breathing with her hand rising and falling with each breath I take. Gazing over at Katniss, I can see the glimmer in her eyes. She isn't doing this for me only. She is taking some pleasure in it. Even if it's only the satisfaction of making me feel good, it's a start. I want to reciprocate, but I don't want to scare her._

_Turning towards her just a little, I touch her cheek with my fingers. I imagine kissing her, the way I want to kiss her and not the way it looks best for the cameras. I still can't tell what she wants me to do, if anything. So I won't kiss her like that right now. Maybe someday._

_"You're the only one who understands," Kantiss tells me._

_I lean towards her and kiss her forehead gently._

_Then I wrap my arms around her and hold her again. After all, that's what she'd thanked me for doing, and it's what made me feel safe also._

_There is something special about these moments with Katniss, I think. They reveal a bond that only we understand. I don't know what to call it, but I know I like it._

/

_My father opens the door to my room slowly and quietly. The light from the hallway paints a streak across the wood floor of my darkened room. Papa walks over and sits on my bed. _

_Graham helped me get up a little while ago. I could do it, but I felt very wobbly. My head still hurts, and I am what Mama called "dizzy" still. My stomach feels better though. While I can't articulate everything I am feeling Graham seems to understand and ask all the right questions. _

_He's already talked to Papa downstairs; I could hear him through the thin walls and floors._

"_Your brother told me what happened, Peeta," my father says sadly as he pats my hand._

_Beginning to cry, I slide closer to Papa. The crying makes my head hurt more though._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was hungry, so I got a cookie. I'm sorry," I explain through my tears. _

_Papa pulls me up into his arms and holds me close, and I finally feel safe._

"_Peeta. I would never have left if I'd known this would happen. And you should have had something to eat. You are supposed to ask first, but what happened tonight is not right at all. Your mother shouldn't have done it," Papa's voice sounds like he might cry too._

_He pauses and pulls me back a little to take a good look at me._

"_How do you feel?" He asks._

_I don't answer, I just lay my head on his shoulder again to try to stop the dizziness._

"_I'm so sorry ," I say again._

"_It's not your fault, son," Papa is crying just a little now. "Please don't think it's your fault. I should have been here."_

_In a few minutes Papa calls Graham and asks him to stay with me. _

_Then Papa walks down the hall, his footsteps heavy._

_Mama had been quiet for a long time, and I believed she was asleep._

"_We need to talk," I hear my father say angrily._

_My eyes dart to Graham. He looks worried. Suddenly I get the feeling that tonight is about to get even worse._

_Graham and I hear the conversation. My father is angry. My mother is sad. He doesn't go over what happened, he just gets straight to the point._

"_If you ever do something like this again, I'll divorce you. It won't matter what we two have between us, and I don't care what anybody thinks. I love you, but I have to be able to trust you with our children. I'd rather starve than let you do this again. There won't be a next time. Do you understand me?" Papa asks. _

_Mama cries harder._

_Graham looks down. I don't really understand, but I can see from Graham's reaction that what Papa is saying must be very serious._

"_No, there won't be a next time," Mama says through her tears. "I'm sorry, Owen." _

_Graham and I look at each other, shocked. She's never said "I'm sorry" before, not that I know of anyway. _

"_You should be telling Peeta that," my father replies._

_Graham explains in a whisper that if Mama and Papa are divorced they won't live together anymore. He says we'd probably be here at the bakery with Papa, and Mama might go to live with her family. At that moment it doesn't sound so bad to me, but Graham looks so unhappy even talking about it that I know there must be something wrong about it._

_I resolve to be good, to be perfect. There will be no reason to hit me in the head or anywhere else ever again. I'll never steal another cookie or do anything to displease my mother. Being perfect is the only answer. Then my mother will be happy, she won't hit me, and my father won't divorce her. Everything will be fine as long as I'm perfect._

_/_

_Katniss stands in the music room; about ten of us are with her. Each year our music teacher requires us to sing for her for a grade. As long as you make an effort, you are given a decent grade. I should know. I'm definitely not a good singer, and she always gives me a "B." _

_The music teacher plays a chord on the piano, and Katniss starts to sing. I love to hear her sing and can't wait to hear the song. After just one phrase Katniss stops. Her face falls into a frown, and she turns to the teacher._

"_What's wrong, Katniss?" The teacher asks._

"_I'm not going to sing," she replies defiantly._

"_Why not, dear? You have a lovely voice, and it's for a grade."_

"_I'm just not going to sing anymore," Katniss answers quietly. "Thank you for the opportunity though, Ma'am."_

_Katniss sits down with the rest of us. She stares at her hands where they are lying in her lap. _

_I know why she won't sing. She sang with her father, and he's gone. _

_I'd do anything to make her feel better. Anything._

_/_

There was a pulling sensation, and cold hands pressed against me. The pain grew and became unbearable in seconds. I couldn't talk, and that hissing continued to unnerve me.

My eyes flew open, and I tried to pull away. I couldn't move.

I wanted to scream at whoever was torturing me. I wanted to push them away, to hurt them back if that's what it took.

All I saw was a thin young woman standing beside me. She looked harmless.

"Give him something else," I heard Haymitch say.

"He's going to feel some of it, Sir. There's no way around that," her high voice answered. The hands left me though.

_Not this much of it! Please!_ I begged her silently.

"You don't know him. I do, and I'm telling you to stop what you are doing and give him something else. He needs it. Your supervisor and I can have a little discussion if you'd prefer that."

"No, sir. That won't be necessary. I just don't want to give him too much, that's all."

"Then go ask the others if it'll be too much. I bet they'll tell you to give him more. Besides, you've already got that machine breathing for him," Haymitch argued gruffly.

"Rookie," He whispered under his breath. I knew the girl must have gone. "Don't worry. I'll keep her in line, Peeta. She's probably not any older than you, and she's scared. She's really good at treating the burns. She's just afraid of making mistakes because she respects you. They're all rebels here. We've got the Capitol people taking care of their own."

Even though some pain subsided when her hands left me, I could still feel an intense stinging within my damaged skin, or what was left of it. I thought of what it must look like, whatI must look like. People would stare at me for a whole different reason now. They'd think I looked like a monster, which I guessed would match how I sometimes felt on the inside. It was very disturbing to not know who I was mentally _or_ physically.

Suddenly the feeling of somebody trying to suffocate me returned full force, and I began to panic. I couldn't see an attacker though. Nobody was there, except for Haymtich.

Haymitch looked at me, his expression serious.

"Stop fighting that machine," he said firmly. "You're only making it worse for yourself. I promise they're only doing these things to help you get better."

I closed my eyes. A tear ran down my cheek even though I hadn't expected it, and I hoped Haymitch wouldn't notice.

He did.

"Sorry. I can't imagine what it's like, Peeta. Just try," he added.

The hissing thing was going faster than I wanted to breathe, but I concentrated on doing what Haymitch had just told me to do. The machine was more tolerable when I didn't fight against it, and at least I knew nobody was trying to smother me on purpose.

"Katniss is here too," Haymitch said, "and she's getting better just like you. She doesn't need any help with her breathing anymore. Her burns are healing, no infections or anything. Her mother is with her."

A million questions swam in my mind, but I had no way to ask them. Relief washed over me though.

"You kids have to stop getting in so much trouble," he said with a sigh that sounded like one an inpatient mother might use when scolding her children. "Always trying to save each other, and saving the world somehow in the process."

I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

The nurse came back.

"I checked with the other nurses, and I'm going to give you some more pain medicine. Is that okay, Mr. Mellark?"

_Of course it's okay_. I thought.

"I know the burn treatments hurt you, but I promise I'll do a good job. I'll try to make sure you don't have so much pain next time. Okay?"

There was no way for me to answer her. She seemed caring even though she was scared, but I wondered if she would have gone along with her work despite the unendurable pain I was feeling had Haymitch not been there. I hoped Haymitch wouldn't leave me alone here.

[AN: Thank you for all the positive feedback on the last chapter. This one is lower key for sure. It was hard to write because I really didn't know what to say. I'm trying to communicate that Peeta is trying to get better and have hope - for him, for Katniss, for everything. Let me know if you think I accomplished what I set out to do.

I'm going to have to gloss over some of this physical recovery process - just like S.C. did in M.J. b/c I think it'll be boring and depressing if I don't. So we'll be getting to the "vote" pretty soon. If there's something you want me to write about BEFORE the vote, let me know. I have no problem doing it really - just don't know what you want to read about & what you don't]


	74. The Pearl

Coming out of the pain medicines felt something like breaking through the surface of water, and adjusting to whatever was happening around me when I became more aware was difficult. Most of the time what brought me out of the fog was more pain.

This time one of the nurses was trying to care for one of the burns, something that was excruciating if they didn't give me enough medicine and tolerable when they did. I bit my lower lip and tried to stay calm.

I couldn't.

"Wait. Wait," I managed to whisper desperately as I raised my hand just a little.

The nurse stopped and looked at me, clearly not expecting that I would be so awake.

He quietly took out a syringe of something, and I was grateful when I saw he intended to give me some more medicine before he continued.

"I didn't know you were feeling that so much," he said apologetically. "Did you notice you just _said_ something?"

Still biting my lip, I thought about it. He was right. Not only that, the hissing machine with its annoying breathing tube was gone. My throat was sore when I swallowed, but it felt so _normal_ to be able to swallow and talk again.

"You're doing well, Mr. Mellark. It's just that with your hands being burned we have to try to make sure we let them heal in a way that will allow you to use them. You're a baker, aren't you?" The nurse asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"Well, our goal is for you to continue to be a baker if that's what you want."

I hadn't thought about how my life would change if it was hard to use my hands.

The pain medicine started to work.

"How's...my…uh…how's Katniss?" I asked.

Not always sure what people thought my relationship to Katniss was, I sometimes struggled to know how to refer to her. Some people thought Katniss was my fiancé. Many thought she was my wife. The upper leadership of District 13, the people at the hospital there, and those closest to us knew we'd been romantically involved to some degree but that our romance had been interrupted by…circumstances. An alarming number of people still expressed their sympathy for the loss of our baby, who never existed or was possible. I thought it best not to tell such people that the baby was a fabrication, but their sad faces made me aware of just how significant a lie I'd told.

"Normally I couldn't tell you how Katniss is doing, but her mother said it was okay for us to tell you anything you wanted to know. She said you deserve at least that."

"What did Katniss say about that?" I asked curiously. Katniss usually didn't let her mother make any decisions for her if she could avoid it.

"Katniss isn't talking. She's not communicating much at all. We can't find any reason for it physically. The psychiatrist told us to give her space and she'd probably start talking again soon."

_How odd for Mrs. Everdeen to say that I deserved to know how Katniss is doing,_ I thought.

"Katniss' mother knows you probably saved Katniss' life," the nurse added as if he was reading my mind, "and she knows that's how you got burned. She's a healer, and she knows what a sacrifice you made. She talked to me about it for some time. She wondered if you knew how badly you'd be hurt when you tried to help Katniss. I told her I didn't know. You might want to talk to her sometime. She seems to care about you."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, she's very grateful to you. Oh, and back to your question, Katniss is on a regular floor now. She doesn't need the burn unit anymore. Other than not talking, she's doing well. She will go home soon."

"Home?" I questioned.

"Well, not District 12. Home with somebody. Maybe her mother. I'm not sure. Have you thought about where you might want to stay when you leave the hospital? I know you have some friends who come to see you. They've been assigned places to live, you know.

I was starting to get groggy.

"Um, I don't know…I'll ask…someone."

I heard him laugh a little.

"Okay, I guess that's working. Just let me know if you have more trouble. We have to be a little more careful not to sedate you too much since you are breathing without any help, but you are pretty tough. I know you don't ask for pain medicine unless you really need it. Hopefully, you won't feel too much."

"No," I said sleepily. "Probably. not. now."

I was still awake, but it was certainly better than before.

/

Billy walked in later that day. I had heard that he'd visited before, but I didn't remember. He was quiet at first, and he looked a little sad.

He barely glanced at the bandages, which was unusual. Most visitors were kind of overly focused on my injuries and ignored me a little. Billy was just the opposite.

"How are you, Peeta?" He asked quietly.

"Better," I told him. "Usually every day is better than the last one."

"That's good," he said still sounding sad.

"How about you?" I asked.

"Okay. It's good to see my sister again. Vick is back so she's happy to see him. I like Vick," he said.

"That's good because I think Delly is pretty crazy about him."

"Yeah, it's never been hard to tell when she was crazy about a boy, has it?"

We both laughed a little.

"Yeah, remember Forrest?" I asked him wrinkling my nose.

"How could I forget Forrest?" Billy answered with a disgusted look.

Stupidly I asked him, "Whatever happened to Forrest?"

"He's dead."

Billy didn't elaborate.

"Oh." I said, feeling very sorry I'd asked even though I knew Billy and Forrest had never been friends. "Listen, Billy, I wanted to thank you for…"

He interrupted me, putting his palm in front of me to signal me to stop.

"Don't, Peeta. You don't need to thank me for anything."

"I want to…"

"I don't want to talk about it," he replied.

His reaction was more than humility. Something wasn't quite right with him. How could it be though? How could it be for any of us right now?

"Okay. Is there anything I can do to…help you?"

"Yeah, just get better. I've lost too many friends. Just get better, Peeta."

"I am," I reassured him. "They tell me I'm doing well. You don't have to worry about what you're probably worrying about."

"Good," he answered raising his eyebrows slightly.

Then I could almost see his mental focus shift, though relief never fully registered on his face.

"I have something for you," he told me as he reached into his uniform shirt pocket. I wondered what he was carrying around in that pocket now that nightlock was unnecessary.

Instead of purple, I saw something white and small.

"This is katniss' pearl. Do you remember it?" He asked as he put it on the table in front of me.

Speechless, I stared at the pearl.

"How did you get that?"

"Katniss was carrying it in the pocket of her uniform when you two were injured. Since you requested that Katniss go to the hospital first, and you were actually in more trouble than she was, they brought you in together. I was with both of you, so they gave the pearl to me."

"And you are giving it back to _me_?" I asked him.

"Well…yeah. I've never even talked to Katniss. Besides, I thought you'd want to give the pearl back to her yourself. You gave it to her the first time, after all."

It sounded awkward to me, giving the pearl to Katniss _again_. It seemed to make sense to Billy though.

"Thanks. I really appreciate you taking care of this for…us."

"Sure, no problem."

Billy put his hands in his pants pockets and looked nervous, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He didn't look or act like I remembered. I'd have to ask Delly about him.

"Will you stay for a while?" I asked, hoping he would and that it would be good for both of us to have some company.

"I can't today, but I'll come to see you again. I promise."

"Maybe tomorrow?" I asked.

He thought for a minute.

"Yes, I can come back tomorrow. What else do I have to do?"

He turned away as my face scrunched into a confused expression over his last statement.

Once he'd left, I watched the pearl where it rested on the table and worried it would roll off. Graham used to say if I didn't have something to worry about, I'd make something up. During the last few years there had been plenty to worry about though. The pearl was unlikely to roll off since there was a little edge to the table. Still, I wanted to make sure it was safe.

When my nurse came in I asked her, "Can you put this somewhere safe," as I gestured to the pearl with my bandaged hand.

She smiled and put her hands on her hips playfully.

"Is that what I think it is," she said looking at the pearl suspiciously.

"Probably," I answered shyly.

"Then of course I can," she said enthusiastically. She had gray hair that she pulled back in a bun, and she sometimes reminded me of Delly's mother.

The nurse left and returned a few minutes later with a clear plastic box. She put the pearl in it and taped the lid shut.

"Now, you can see it and it won't get lost."

She turned the box from side to side a few times, and the pearl rolled slowly around. Then she wrote my name on the box with a marker and smiled down at her work.

"And if anyone dares to lose or bother this little pearl, they'll have to answer to me," she said winking at me and then closing her fist in a mock gesture of strength.

"I'm going to put it up here, okay?" She said putting the box with the pearl on a shelf near the clock. "That way you can see it whenever you look at the time."

"Thank you," I told her sincerely. "I guess you know that pearl means a lot to me."

"Oh, Honey," she said, "Everybody knows that."

When she left it dawned on me...

_Katniss was carrying the pearl I gave her. Why? There had to be a reason. The reason had to have something to do with how she felt about me._

**[AN: Thanks to the "guest" reviewer who suggested writing about the pearl. I thought Billy was more likely to have the pearl than Haymitch. I hope you liked where I went with it. I stayed in the present in this chapter on the suggestion of AnatomyFreak. Thanks! Reader ideas are always welcome and considered. Send 'em to me.]**


	75. Home

"So you are leaving the hospital soon?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"Yes, in about three days," I answered proudly.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'm looking forward to it."

I nervously picked at a loose string hanging from the gauze wrapped around my more badly burned hand.

"And you think you can take care of the burns, take your medicine, and take care of yourself in general?"

I tried not to take the question as an insult. He meant well, and he was right that all of it was a big responsibility.

"Yes. My friends will help me with what I can't do for myself."

"Which friends, Peeta?"

"Delly."

Dr. Aurelius smiled. "Yes, I'm sure Delly will be of help to you. I'll try not to cross her again for both of our sakes."

I smiled, remembering some of Delly's interactions with the doctors back in District 13.

"And her boyfriend Vick will be helpful too, I think. I'm actually going to be living with Vick in an apartment. Delly's brother is there a lot too, I think."

"Isn't Vick Gale's brother?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"Yes. That doesn't bother me though. It's not his fault that Gale and I happened to fall for the same girl. It's not Gale's fault either. Vick and I will be in a building set aside for soldiers, but many people from District 12 are living in that same neighborhood. It's the closest thing to home that exists right now, at least that's what Delly says."

"That sounds like a good environment for you. Are you having any episodes?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"Not many. They mostly happen when I'm really stressed."

"You may have more episodes once you leave the hospital just because you'll be exposed to different experiences. There might be triggers you don't anticipate."

"That makes sense," I said.

"How about nightmares?"

I hesitated. It would be easy to simply let him think _everything_ was going well, but that wouldn't be true.

"Yes, I have those almost every night. I'm not sure they'll ever stop."

"Are you able to sleep?"

"Sometimes I can."

Dr. Aurelius looked at me suspiciously over his wire-rimmed glasses.

"Not really," I added under the increased pressure of his stare.

"Tell me about that," he said looking back at his clipboard.

"I can't fall asleep. It's too noisy. Then when I do fall asleep, I have nightmares. I get about two or three hours of sleep most nights."

"Okay. That's definitely not enough. Let's give it another day or two. It'll be quieter now that you are out of the burn unit. It should be even quieter when you're at home. If you still can't sleep in a few more days, we'll deal with it then," Dr. Aurelius suggested.

/

Billy brought me a small bag for packing my things the day before I left the hospital. I owned very little. There was the pearl which wasn't really mine and the grimy, charred, and bloodstained uniform shirt that I'd been wearing when the second group of parachutes exploded. I'd also been issued 2 new uniforms because I remained part of the army even though I'd never be deployed again. Plutarch had mentioned to Haymitch that they might want to use me for publicity, something I dreaded.

The burned uniform disgusted me, and I couldn't understand why anyone would salvage it. As I tossed it into the trash can, I heard a light thud.

_Darn, I must have missed. _I thought.

When I looked over I saw that the uniform shirt had landed in the trash can, but FInnick's rope was lying on the white tile floor. I managed to pick it up with my bandaged hand, and I stuffed it in my new uniform's pocket.

Delly arrived a little late to pick me up from the hospital which made me nervous. She barged through the door, quickly grabbing my one bag and hurrying me along. We had to talk to the nurse and get all the instructions about taking care of the burns and using the medicines properly before I could actually be discharged. Delly sighed. When we were finally in the taxi, I asked her what was wrong.

"Peeta, I don't think it would be good for you to talk about everybody else's problems right now," she said.

She was making me a little angry. I wanted her to treat me like a normal person, after all.

"I'm not a child, Delly. Who's having problems? As long as they are all right with me knowing then you should be. Or is it you?" My question was accusatory, but I tried to keep my tone sympathetic.

"No, it's not _me_. I'm fine," she replied in a tone that made me quite sure that she was far from fine.

"So what is it?"

The taxi stopped outside the apartment where I'd be staying. We got out and took my one little bag out with us.

"Annie's pregnant," Delly blurted out once the taxi had driven away. "That's why I was late this morning, I was listening to Annie cry her eyes out."

Speechless, I tried to imagine how Annie might feel. Memories of Finnick swirled in my head: a chariot, a jungle, a rope, a trident, a cake, the cafeteria, the mutts, and his screams.

Finally I asked, "She isn't happy about the baby?"

Delly sighed deeply.

"I don't think she's gotten that far, Peeta. She hasn't even had enough time to process losing Finnick, and now she's responsible for their unborn baby. Every morning Annie wakes up thinking Finnick's still alive, and I have to remind her that he's dead. She's simply in shock, and I'm very worried about her."

"Did they…uh…plan this?" I asked.

"I have no idea, and she's really not in any condition to tell me."

Suddenly the tasks of remembering to take my medicine, do the dressing changes for my burns and get enough sleep didn't seem so difficult.

"Let's get inside," Delly suggested.

The apartment was small by Capitol standards but bigger than the living quarters of the bakery back home. I even had my own room.

"Where is everybody?" I asked.

"Billy's at school. At least, I hope he's at school. Vick is with Annie, but I need to get back to her. Will you be all right here by yourself or do you want to go with me?"

Considering my options, I decided to stay in the apartment. I was afraid that too much talk of Finnick would send me into an episode.

"I'll just stay here, thanks." I told her.

"Okay, there's the phone. Call if you need anything at all." Delly wrote down her phone number on a paper near the phone. "Oh, I brought you some sheets and towels. They are in your room. Maybe you could get settled in. One of us can help you get some clothes tomorrow. I know you don't want to wear those uniforms all the time."

"Um, no. I guess I hadn't thought about things like that. Thanks, Delly."

As the door closed behind her I realized I was completely alone and unobserved for the first time since…District 12.

/

I couldn't put the sheets on the bed. That required much more dexterity and strength than my burned hands had developed. Delly probably didn't know that though. I laid a sheet across the bed as best I could. The bed looked inviting despite its messiness. Having been in prison, I appreciated a real bed of any kind. Settling down, I curled my bandaged hands around a pillow.

Sweet sleep finally came to me all alone there in my new "home." I had only one nightmare, and I quickly realized it wasn't real once I was awake.

The phone rang, and I expected to hear Delly's voice when I answered.

"Peeta? This is…um…Violet. I heard you went home today. I got your number from Haymitch."

_Haymitch?_ I thought. _How would he even have my number?_

"Haymitch said he knew you wouldn't mind talking with me. I hope you don't mind," she added.

"Of course not. How are you, Mrs. Everdeen?"

"I'm doing okay, Peeta." Her voice sounded weak and tired. I thought about how she must be grieving for Prim and trying to take care of Katniss all at the same time.

Never one to make small talk, Mrs. Everdeen got right to the point. "I'm worried about my daughter," she said.

I felt my pulse quicken.

_Just how worried is she? _I wondered.

"Why are you worried?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"She's not taking care of herself. I can't take care of her either. Nobody can get through to her. You know how she is."

The anxiety I'd felt so free of moments ago started to rise inside me again. Why did I have to feel everything so deeply? Why was Mrs. Everdeen doing this to me when I was just beginning to really be able to rest?

She was sure to ask me to intervene somehow with Katniss, and I prepared myself emotionally for what I might feel. As much as I wanted to help Katniss, just hearing that she wasn't doing well was already de-stabilizing me.

"Is she safe?" I asked.

"I think so, but she's not getting better very fast."

"Maybe she just needs some time."

"Maybe."

"Has she asked about me?" I inquired thinking that if she'd specifically asked about me then maybe I was really the one who had to help her. If she hadn't then maybe somebody else could.

"No, but I think she wonders about you."

_Wonders about me? How would Mrs. Everdeen know what Katniss was thinking?_

"She's still not speaking Peeta, but when I mention you I think that blank expression on her face changes a little. I was hoping that if I called you then you might come to see her."

_She's going to be sick. Sicker than she's ever been, _Graham had said.

My hands started to shake. I'd learned that I often had an episode after I'd gotten upset enough for my hands to tremble. They'd trembled whenever I was very stressed since I was a little boy. That was one reason I'd always held on so tight to the bakery stool seat when my mother was ridiculing me. With my white knuckled fingers wrapped around the stool seat, my mother couldn't see that my hands were trembling.

I _had_ to calm down or risk losing the independence I'd fought so hard to regain. I knew that much.

Helping Katniss at that moment simply wasn't an option. Surely somebody else could help. I had to focus on getting well and getting my life back. Then maybe there could be a real future for Katniss and me.

"Mrs. Everdeen, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I think I need to get back to being _me_ again before I can help Katniss. I promise you that I still care about Katniss _very _much, but it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to try to help with this right now. If she's safe then I'd like to wait for a while before I see her. Do you understand what I mean?"

My head felt dizzy and I held on to the side of the sofa for stability. I hoped Mrs. Everdeen would end the conversation by saying "yes" and that I could me recover my faltering sanity.

She paused. "Yes, I can understand that," A twinge of surprise colored her voice.

"Okay," I said. "Then we can talk later?"

"Yes, later. Oh course, Peeta." she said. "If you change your mind, Katniss is staying at the President's mansion, and Haymitch is watching out for her."

"Thanks, Mrs. Everdeen. I'll keep that in mind."

I managed to hang up the phone before I slid down the wall and into confusion.

/

_I stagger into the shallow water of the river. The cold and wet sensations against my skin make me slightly more aware for a few moments. I know I have several stings. I'm seeing people from home, yet I know I'm still in the arena. The hallucinations are growing more and more bizarre. I have to find a place to hide._

_My leg throbs as the deep gash bleeds into the water below. Cato had fallen to the ground before he could finish me off. He'd been overcome by hallucinations, and was calling the name of a girl I'd never heard him mention before when I stumbled away from him and into the woods._

_After a few more steps, I know I can't go any farther. Streaks of blue and green are passing before my eyes. Paint is running through the water and onto the ethereal canvas that is the sky. Fingers paint the ground, but I'm not sure who is doing the painting. Angels maybe? Clearly I am quickly losing my mind. I lie down on the river bank and touch the paint filled water, fascinated. I rub it on my arm and my hand. It feels soft, cool, and soothing._

"_Katniss. I think I've done everything I can do," I whisper as I wonder how long I can last out here wounded and alone._

_/_

Knocking on the door to Delly and Annie's apartment, I wondered if I'd made the right decision in going there. All I knew for sure was that I couldn't be alone. The apartment wasn't far away at all, and Delly had shown me where the building was on the ride from the hospital.

Delly pulled me in the door as soon as she opened it.

"Why'd you walk here all alone?" She asked.

"I just needed to see you. I had a phone call and…"

My explanation was interrupted by sobs from Annie who was sitting on the sofa. Johanna sat in a chair directly across from her holding both of her hands.

"You have _got_ to calm down. I'm serious. This is not good. You could lose your baby, and I know you don't want that. Finnick would want you to calm down," Johanna told Annie firmly.

Annie's red eyes stared back at Johanna. "Yes, he would," she said. Then she stared off into space.

Johanna turned around and shook her head at Delly and me.

"What in the world did the doctor say?" Johanna asked.

"He just told her she was definitely pregnant. He didn't know all about her mental problems," Delly answered.

"Well somebody's gonna' have to know it soon because she's losing it. I've known Annie for years, and she's headed for a break-down," Johanna warned. "Who's that shrink from 13 that you see, Peeta? Can we get him to see her?"

"Probably. If he can't maybe he can find someone who can," I answered. So I gave Johanna the number and settled down on the sofa next to Annie. One good thing about being crazy yourself is that you aren't afraid of crazy people anymore.

I turned to her. "I don't know what to say, Annie. I want to say 'congratulations,' but you seem so upset."

"You can say 'congratulations,' Peeta," she said, her brown eyes full of tears.

"Congratulations, Annie."

"It's just that knowing I'm pregnant reminds me of him and the fact that he's gone, Peeta," she sobbed. "I don't think I can do this all alone."

"It's not nearly the same as Finnick being here, but you aren't alone. We're here for you. Everybody needs some help right now. I can't turn the doorknobs in my new apartment," I said holding out my bandaged hands.

Annie _almost _smiled.

"I _am_ happy about the baby," she said as she turned to include Delly and Johanna in the conversation again. "I'm just scared."

Delly sat down on the other side of Annie. "Sure you are. I would be too if I were you." Delly squeezed her shoulders in a hug.

In the meantime I took Finnick's rope out of my pocket and put it in the palm of Annie's hand.

She looked down at it.

"Is that his?" She asked.

"Yes, he gave it to me when I first arrived in the Capitol to help me calm down, but now I want to give it to you."

Annie examined the rope with the strange look that was so characteristic of her. I smiled; she was just being _her _after all.

[AN: please forgive me if I have a few errors in this. I've read it 'til my eyes are crossed, but I know it's still not perfect. Feel free to send me corrections. I'll make them. I haven't been able to write lately – so I'm not sure how good this is – but I tried. I hope you like it at least a little]


	76. Dreams and Nightmares

/

_I start to run towards the burning bakery, but someone holds me back._

"_No! You'll get hurt," a voice says. It's familiar, but I'm so panicked that I don't take the time to determine whose voice it is. _

"_Let me go," I scream, pushing the arms that deter me away. "I have to save them."_

_Whoever is hindering me isn't as strong as I am._

_I wrestle free and rush towards my family's screams. _

_The heat of the fire brings me to a stand-still before I reach the porch though. I try repeatedly to inch closer, but the intensity of the flames continues to stop me no matter how hard I try to push through the stinging sensations of the penetrating heat on my skin. I've never seen an inferno like this. It has to be fueled by something unnatural. A lightning strike or an out of control oven flame wouldn't do this. Suddenly an explosion throws me back several feet and shatters all the windows of the bakery. Glass and debris fly into the street. Flames shoot through the open air, and I feel the merciless burning of my skin. _

_/_

Some unconscious part of me tried to wake me up with my own voice, which ended up sounding like a strange and muffled scream. I grabbed at the bed sheets as much I was able to with my fingers and stared up at the ceiling.

Gradually, I caught my breath.

Vick appeared in the doorway. Leaning against the door-facing, he crossed his arms.

"Nightmare?" He asked matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, sorry I woke you."

"You didn't. Billy bringing a girl home woke me. You all right?"

"Sort of," I hesitated.

_Can I talk to Vick about nightmares? _I wondered. Then I realized what Vick had just said.

"_Billy_ brought a _girl _home at this hour? It's 3 am."

"Yeah, I told her to go home. She's still here though, for now."

"Where are_ her_ parents?"

"She probably doesn't have any either."

"Is she a girlfriend or what?"

"I don't know, Peeta. Billy doesn't tell me much. He probably thinks I'll tell Delly."

"Would you?" I asked.

"Only if he was in trouble, which I think he probably is. I just hope he can work out his problems on his own because he definitely doesn't want anybody's help."

A few minutes passed, and I got up to get a glass of water.

Billy was there, saying goodnight to the girl Vick mentioned. It was dark, but I could hear them talking. The girl had a Capitol accent.

"See you tomorrow then?"

"See you tomorrow, Baby."

_Interesting choice of words_, I thought.

"Will you be okay to walk there?"

"Yes, it's so close. Just watch me from the window."

"Funny that you live here with so many 12ers," he said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"I've found that I like 12ers very much."

Billy passed by on his way to his room, and I reminded myself that he'd just turned 15. I was dating Madge at 15, and I'd kissed her like that. We'd talked about marriage, and our parents had all but arranged us to be married.

"Hey, Peeta," Billy said as a greeting, without looking at me.

"Billy." I said in casual acknowledgement.

"You're looking at me that way again; I can feel it." He replied.

"What way?"

"The way that tells me you don't like what I'm doin' and that I'm not the person you used to know."

"That's you talking, Billy. I'm not saying anything."

Then he does look at me, his blue eyes fierce.

"They made me do things kids don't do, and now they expect me to go back to being a kid. They want to sit me in a desk to learn stuff. Hell, today they sent somebody in there to talk to us about 'choosin' a career.' All I know about is shooting and killing. All I ever imagined I would do is sell shoes or work in a mine."

"You know about friendship and loyalty. You are pretty good at saving people's lives, like mine and all those civilians in City Circle."

He sighed.

"Vick's mad at me. He says if I'm going to be allowed to stay here with you instead of living with my sister that I have to follow the rules."

"So one of the rules is no girls over this late?" I asked. "I'll remember that," I said smiling.

"Who knows what he does to my sister though? Everybody's got somebody, or wishes they did. Why can't he see that I just want to feel alive again?"

_Feel alive again? Yes, sometimes it's hard to feel alive in the midst of so much death and destruction._

"Maybe Vick doesn't know what it's like to feel dead inside, but I do."

/

"You ready, Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius said.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Just tell me if you want me to turn the video off. This is to _help_ you, not make you so uncomfortable that you'll have an episode. Okay?"

"Okay."

The camera focused on my father. There were bags under his eyes, and his expression was flat. Fear lingered in his eyes even as he started the interview. Papa had plenty of reason to be afraid for me even though I was among the last of the tributes. I was laying half-dead from blood poisoning on the floor of a cave with little hope of modern medicine saving me and no hope of Katniss' home remedies doing so.

"Mr. Mellark, what was Peeta like when he was younger?" Cassida asked Papa.

I'd never known that she interviewed my family for the Capitol before joining the resistance, but in retrospect that made sense. She'd always acted like she knew more about me than I thought she should have.

"Everyone liked Peeta. He was quiet sometimes, but he loved to be around other people. He didn't get into trouble. He worked hard at school and in the bakery. Peeta could always make people laugh. I couldn't have asked for a better son." Papa paused as he lowered his gaze.

"Did you know about his crush on Katniss Everdeen?"

Papa looked up, a little bewildered by the question.

"I knew he liked Katniss."

"Kind of strange, isn't it? A five year old boy having a crush like that?"

Papa thought for a moment, "Well, he just liked to be around her back then. He was probably fascinated that she could sing. Nobody in our family can sing, including Peeta." Papa said.

Cassida laughed, which made my father look even more bewildered.

"So it grew into a crush over the years?" Cassida asked.

"Yes, he didn't tell me about it. I just knew by the way he noticed her."

"Well, Katniss seems to have noticed Peeta now too. So I guess he finally got the girl," Cassida said referring to how Katniss was taking care of me and kissing me in the cave.

My father's expression remained rather confused looking and sad. My heart was breaking just watching him.

"And how do you feel about only _one_ of them being able to come home?" Cassida asked bluntly.

I felt my eyes moisten.

_What a terrible question to ask him. Why would she do that?_

"I wish there was a way for both of them to come home," he said quietly.

"What's that, Mr. Mellark?" Cassida asked as if she couldn't hear the answer.

"I wish there was a way for both of them to come home," Papa said louder, looking into the camera a little more directly.

I looked over at Dr. Aurelius.

"Can you stop it?" I asked.

Dr. Aurelius did.

"Do you think Haymitch told them to get the idea of two winners into the interview somehow?" I asked.

"You'd have to ask Haymitch. If he did, it was a stroke of genius."

"Surprisingly, that would not be so unusual for Haymitch…at least not for sober Haymitch," I said dryly.

"How does it feel to see your family on video like this?" The doctor asked me.

"I don't have a single picture of them, so it feels…good. It's just that I miss them so much." I paused, thinking through everything I was feeling.

"Can you play some more of it?" I asked after a few minutes.

"So Mrs. Mellark, you're Peeta's mother. You must know Peeta better than anyone, right?"

My mother hesitated, "Yes, yes, I do."

"What can you tell us about your son?"

My mother looked around. Maybe she was looking at the film crew, I wasn't sure.

"I don't know," she finally said. "Peeta tries very hard sometimes."

I closed my eyes and shook my head just slightly while letting out a little sigh.

"What's he like as a person, Mrs. Mellark?"

Mama stared into the camera for a moment.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," she whispered to Cassida.

Then Mama stood up and quickly walked away.

Dr. Aurelius stopped the video.

"They didn't air that part, Peeta. They only aired the parts with your father and brother."

I nodded.

"Is there anything you want to tell me about your mother?"

"No," I said quietly. "I don't like to talk about her. Can we just leave it at that?"

"We _can, _but I'm starting to get the impression that there might be some reasons to talk about her."

I sighed. While I trusted Dr. Aurelius, I really hadn't talked about what my mother was like with many people in the past.

"Some people called her 'the witch'"

"Why did they do that?"

"She was kind of cold and…mean."

"To whom?"

"Pretty much everybody except my father. Sometimes she was like that to him too."

"And what about you; was she like that with you, Peeta?"

I looked down at the floor, planning to continue looking at it for the rest of the session.

"Especially to me."

"Do you want to tell me how she was 'cold' and 'mean' – especially to you?"

I didn't answer.

"Peeta, you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said trying not to tear up.

_I'm such a wimp! _I thought.

"You don't have to answer if you aren't ready to answer," he said mercifully.

I stayed quiet.

"Peeta, look at me."

I didn't.

"Can you look at me?" He asked.

I raised my head and tried. My eyes met his after a few more seconds.

"Good. It's good that you can do that. You're still with me," he said.

I nodded.

"I obviously pushed you too hard. I'm sorry. Sometimes I make mistakes. Every therapist does."

I nodded.

I looked back down at the floor.

"She hit me. Okay?" I blurted out. "She hit me a lot, to the point that she really hurt me a couple of times. She called me names. She made fun of my performance in the games and that I lost my leg. Then she tried to kill herself in part because she felt guilty about how she treated me. Dammit. Why can't I go one week without being humiliated?"

Dr. Aurelius looked a little surprised, but not shocked when I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm sorry that she did that to you, Peeta."

"Me too," I said sarcastically, even though I knew he didn't deserve it.

"I hope you aren't taking on the blame though. What she did to you should humiliate _her_, not you.

/

I opened my notebook of letters to Katniss.

"Dear Katniss,

I'm still thinking about coming to see you. I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. I truly hope you are doing better. Lately I've been thinking about the nights when we used to get through nightmares together. I can't remember exactly how we did that. If I remember correctly, just being together is what chased the nightmares away. Is that right? Well, I suppose I'll ask you when I see you. Hopefully you'll be talking by then.

Love _Always_,

Peeta


	77. Touching

_I can't take my eyes off her._

"_You're so beautiful," I whisper._

_Katniss smiles shyly and shakes her head._

"_I don't know how you could think that, but thank you."_

_I look down at the pink newly forming skin on her shoulder where it shows around one strap of her stylish blouse. She's probably wearing that particular blouse because it doesn't irritate her skin, but it is just plain sexy all the same. _

_Leaning in to kiss her, I run my hands down her bare arms to her hands, but then I stop to try to hide what I'm feeling._

_She knows me too well._

"_What's wrong, Peeta?" She asks._

_I caress her face and neck as I pull her against my chest._

"_Nothing," I say._

_She turns and looks up at me with such concern in her eyes that I can't hide from her anymore._

"_Tell me," she pleads._

"_I can't feel things very well anymore, Katniss."_

_Her brow furrows and she tilts her head just slightly. _

"_What do you mean?" She asks._

"_My hands don't feel things the way they used to feel them," I explain softly as I rub the side of her face gently with my fingers. "I can't feel you very well when I touch you," I say, my voice finally cracking. "I miss feeling you."_

_/_

Opening my eyes to both the artificial and natural light that colors the sky of the Capitol, I looked down at my hands.

_At least I can use them, _I thought. _I should probably be grateful. _

The phone rang, but I didn't answer it.

"Peeta," Vick called, "the phone's for you."

"I'm not here!"

"Too late. Yes, you are."

I sighed, picking up the phone carefully. The phone was easier to hang up than pick up because I didn't have to curve my fingers to hang it up.

"Hello."

"Hi, Peeta. Dr. Aurelius here. You missed your appointment today. This is the second one you're missed." He didn't sound angry.

I cringed. Talking to him was something I'd dreaded since our brief conversation about my mother. The very thought of going to his office made me shiver with anxiety.

"I've been sick," I lied.

"Oh?" He said with obvious concern.

"Nothing serious. It's just a cold."

My voice didn't sound like I had a cold though.

"Well, when do you want to reschedule?"

"I'm not sure," I said as my stomach flip-flopped with anxiety.

"Are you taking your medicine? I mean the medicine I gave you?"

"Yes, I _am _doing that."

"So you just don't want to talk? Is that it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

_I guess I'm not such a good liar anymore_, I thought.

"Peeta, that's ultimately your decision. However, I hope you'll consider the fact that this kind of therapy and the medicine I gave you are the most effective means of treating your mental health concerns at this point. To say the last few years of your life have been 'traumatic' would be an outrageous understatement. Consider the fact that you may owe it to yourself to get the help available to you."

"I'm not sure," I said indifferently.

"Well, is it okay if I call you in a few days to check to see if you'd like to reschedule then?"

"Yes, that's all right."

As soon as we'd finished our conversation, I curled up with my pillow again and shut out the world.

_/_

_Katniss sinks a little against my arms. Her face crinkles into a frown at the thought of what I've revealed. _

_She takes my more severely scarred hand from where it rests on her cheek and holds the back of it gently in her palm. With the fingers of her other hand she touches my fingers and palm, watching my reaction. _

_I look down, not knowing what to say._

"_It feels numb?" She asks._

"_Yes, and it just doesn't…" I can't finish. My eyes well up with tears._

"_Show me where." _

"_Kind of everywhere," I tell her._

"_Both of them?"_

"_Yes, but this hand is worse."_

_She moves her fingers down my scarred hand until she reaches the inside of my wrist, an area that wasn't burned. Then she grazes my wrist repeatedly with her fingertips. _

_I take in a slow breath in and out as the sensation warms me._

"_But not here," she says, a tentative smile on her face._

"_No, not there."_

_Slowly she raises my wrist to her lips and kisses it gently, and then she runs it across her cheeks and neck before kissing it again. I close my eyes as I revel in the feeling of my wrist touching her soft body, a wonder that has been muted for me for far too long because of the scars. Feeling was something I took for granted, but I would never take it for granted again._

_Katniss awkwardly moves my wrist a little further down, and I kiss the skin over her opposite collarbone._

"_This isn't weird?" I ask her._

"_No, helping you feel like this is not weird, Peeta."  
_

_/_

Cold hands on my shoulders shook me awake even though I tried to fall back into my dream. I wanted to be with Katniss so much. To stay with her forever in the dream and never face all the frustrations of my life would be heaven. To be with only someone who understood so much of what had happened to me in the last few years would be so comfortable. It wouldn't be real though.

Finally my eyes slowly opened and Delly's blonde curls came into view. Vick stood behind her.

"Peeta, Vick says you've been sleeping all day. Are you sick?" Delly asked

"More like 2 days, Del," Vick added.

"Two days then and have you even been taking care of your burns? You have to do that, Peeta. They'll get infected if you don't."

"I don't know," I said groggily.

He needs to drink something, Vick. Would you mind bringing him some water?

Vick dutifully left the room.

"What's going on Peeta?" She asked discreetly. "Vick says you've missed two appointments with Dr. Aurelius and didn't show up to the burn clinic this week either."

I turned my face towards the wall, feeling weak but not really understanding why.

"Peeta?"

Vick arrived with the water, and I slowly sat up to drink a few sips of it.

Leaning my head back on the cool pillow, I answered her. "I don't feel like doing anything."

"You don't have that option, Peeta."

/

I stared at my reflection in the mirror while I rubbed burn cream on the burn that traversed my forehead. My hair was singed in the fire and was very uneven. Johanna had already tried to cut it for me in a way that evened it out, but she wasn't very successful. Bandages and a special kind of plastic mesh were still required for my hands and some of the other burns. Despite the fact that there were plenty of soldiers who'd been wounded in the war, people still stared at my injuries. Disfigurement was something I thought I'd accepted when I lost my leg, but somehow being burned was different.

Delly insisted that I go to the burn clinic, and I did. I refused to see Dr. Aurelius though. I did take the medicine he prescribed. Every time I thought of what I'd told him about my mother I recoiled.

_What does he think of me?_ I wondered.

Of course, Dr. Aurelius had basically told me that it wasn't my fault; but I'd been told that before by Delly, Graham, Becki, and Papa. Despite what they said, I knew there had to be some reason why my mother hated me so much. There had to be something wrong with me. I didn't really want Dr. Aurelius identifying what it was. It was better not to know.

Delly also insisted that I needed to get out of the apartment. I told her how I felt about people staring at me, but she encouraged me to get out anyway by taking me to work with her. Delly was working at a refugee center that housed and fed people who could find no other place to stay. Most of the people in Delly's caseload had no idea where their loved ones were and depended on them for survival. Many were children. So Delly's job was to find out if their family members had survived and then "place" them in more permanent housing.

"This one is 8, Peeta. Her name is Tiberia," Delly showed me a picture of a little girl with red hair and blue eyes. "She has or had a mother, father, and grandfather. Her brother Titus is in another refugee shelter." Delly pointed to a list on the papers in front of me. "You have to check in the computer system to see if the mother, father and grandfather are specified as dead or missing. If they are not then you have to figure out where they are staying. That's the tricky part. Sometimes you have to call other refugee centers, the hospitals, and the prisons. Sometimes it's just impossible. We have to try though."

"Why isn't this girl's family looking for _her? _She's the kid, after all," I asked.

"They might be. They could be hurt if they are alive. They could also be mentally unstable or unable to travel. Some people have only the clothes on their backs."

"So where is Tiberia now?" I asked curiously.

"She's living in this building in the unaccompanied children's section. We are trying to reunite her with her brother. That's been difficult because the refugee center where he's staying only accepts unaccompanied children who are male so Tiberia can't go there. We accept both males and females but Titus can't come here yet because we don't have any room for him. We'll figure out a way to make it work eventually though. It just requires negotiation."

I looked down at the papers.

"Wow, Delly. I had no idea this is what you did all day."

"Yep. It's heartbreaking often, but it's incredibly rewarding when you can reunite a family."

I remembered the nights I'd laid across the floor of my cell in prison and wondered if Snow had told me the truth about my family being dead. Not knowing was a terrible feeling. Being separated from the ones I loved was bad too.

So with renewed purpose I started to gently tap the computer screen in a search for the fate of Tiberia's family. There were many jobs I could not do, but this one was possible for me.

/

I was standing in the courtyard behind the refugee center having just finished lunch when the outdoor TV screen switched on. Unlike before the war when the Capitol symbol preceded official mandatory programing in Panem, under the new government the District 13 symbol preceded such announcements.

President Coin appeared on the screen. She looked perfectly groomed. Her gray hair was pulled back without a wisp out of place. She wore a light colored military dress uniform. Flags and symbols from District 13 surrounded her as she stood at the podium and addressed us.

"People of the 13 Districts and the Occupied Capitol: The War Crimes Tribunal has found Cornelius Snow, former president of the country formerly known as Panem, guilty of atrocities which took the lives of thousands of citizens over the course of his presidency. This conviction carries a sentence of death, a sentence that will be carried out at a public execution in City Circle. The Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, will be carrying out this sentence per our already established public agreement with her. Thank you for your attention."

I stared at the television until it grew dark.

_So Katniss really will kill Snow, _I thought. _That's exactly what she wanted._


	78. Beyond Words

I walked Delly's friend from work, Nadia, to the door of our apartment. Delly, Nadia, and Johanna had just finished having dinner with Vick and me at our place.

"Thanks, Peeta," Nadia said. "This was really fun. I'm glad I got to see where you live. Work has been a lot more interesting since you started showing up some days. Thanks for helping out. We all know you don't have to do it."

"Delly was right that it's rewarding when you can re-unite a family."

"I'd want someone to help my family if I was in that situation, you know? When I get discouraged I think of it that way." Nadia added.

"Yeah, me too."

"Goodnight, Peeta."

"Goodnight Nadia."

As soon as I closed the door and turned around I saw three pairs of eyes staring at me. Delly snickered.

"Was that what I think it was, Peeta?" Vick teased.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"A date," Vick continued.

"Oh, please! Oh course it was," Johanna answered. "She's totally smitten with heroic Peeta Melllark. The victor. The soldier. The symbol of the revolution that's second only to the Mockingjay herself."

"Stop, Johanna," I warned.

"What? Afraid of the truth? Don't want to be a heart-breaker? Well, you already are. You have too many admirers not to be, Peeta. Your problem is that you know too much about what it's like to have _your_ heart broken," Johanna continued.

"Johanna!" Delly scolded.

"No, it's all right. Let her ramble on making me uncomfortable. She gets something out of it, although I'm not sure what," I told Delly.

Johanna glared at me.

"There's nothing between Nadia and me," I said. "She's just a friend at work, _Delly's_ work. Besides, look at me." I glanced down at my hands, artificial leg, and clothes. Although my clothes covered some of the burns and my artificial leg, my friends knew they were there. "Who'd want to be more than my friend?"

"That's not true; many women admire you," Delly said to me, "and they still believe you are handsome and heroic."

"And totally nuts…let's not forget nuts…girls really go for that," I added.

"Maybe you wouldn't seem so nuts if you'd stop acting so obsessed with Katniss that you can't even see what else is out there. You know what they say 'if you love something, let it go…'" Johanna began.

I looked at her furiously.

"Johanna. Stop that." Delly interrupted.

"I'm just trying to help," Johanna argued.

I threw my hand up in the air.

"I think it's time for me to go to bed," I said as I made my way to my room. Fortunately, nobody disagreed. I heard them talking about me at first, but the converstation quickly moved on to their own lives. Johanna left a few minutes later, and as I fell asleep I heard Delly and Vick talking in muffled voices. It was not unlike when we were back in 13. There had been so much uncertainty then, and uncertainty was not something that winning the war had remedied.

/

_Katniss holds the baby in her arms, and I'm in awe of both of them. I remember telling the world about our baby, the one that didn't exist. Now I don't want anyone to know about our real baby, not outside of our close circle of friends anyway. Protecting my wife and baby instantly became an all-consuming passion when I found out Katniss was pregnant. Well, really I was just adding the baby. Protecting Katniss was already a passion for me. _

"_Katniss, are you going to let Peeta hold the baby? He is the father after all," The midwife says with a bit of a giggle._

_She's right; I haven't held the baby yet even though she is over an hour old. It has been enough just to stare at my wife and daughter, relishing watching Katniss examine our baby's tiny features and try to nurse her for the first time. Katniss looked up at me with surprised smiles when she noted something that was especially pleasing to her. She'd never been more beautiful. _

_Katniss leans over in my direction just a little to indicate that she is ready to let me hold the baby._

"_No you deserve to hold her as long as you want," I say humbly. _

_How could I not feel a little bad about everything Katniss had had to go through to bring our baby into the world? And yet, I could see on Katniss' face the pride that being this precious bundle's mother was bringing her already. By now I was an expert at reading Katniss. She would eventually see the pain as worth it even though she hadn't intended to have a baby. Maybe she already did see that._

_I lean down awkwardly. Katniss carefully transfers our warm, soft, tiny baby from her arms to mine._

_The midwife is busy packing up her things._

"_Thank you," I whisper next to Katniss' ear. "I love you so much."_

_Katniss looks back at me affectionately. Tears start to run down her cheeks. I hold the baby with one arm and wrap the other around my wife. My heart breaks for Katniss, who's still afraid after all this time. She might not talk, but I know what she's feeling much of the time. We've learned how to communicate in a thousand other ways. Katniss' fears still tear her apart. There are some wounds that time doesn't heal, and I know that despite her joy she's afraid for our little one's future._

"_Is she all right, Peeta?" The midwife asks._

"_Yeah, I think she's just overwhelmed. Thank you though. I'll take care of her. Is that okay, Katniss?"_

_Katniss nods and wipes the tears from her eyes. Her eyes are puffy. She'd cried during labor and she'd squeezed her eyes closed tightly as she concentrated as much as possible on giving birth. She'd been overwhelmed then, but for different reasons. I was shocked to hear her voice for the first time since the war during the birth of our daughter. She uttered no words though, just primitive expressions of pain and fear. I didn't expect to hear any words._

_I look down at our newborn daughter who will be raised by two damaged people. She will probably never hear her mother sing a lullaby or the Valley Song that so endeared her to me as a child. She might never even hear her mother speak or say "I love you." For me, anxiety over how such a broken woman could raise a child loomed. Everyone we knew had been so positive during the pregnancy thoug,h and Katniss had fared remarkably well considering how terrified she must have been. I know that our baby will understand that Katniss loves her. She'll feel it, just as I do. So for now, I'll speak for all of us because I'm the only one who can._

_Smiling down tenderly at our baby, I see her eyes close a few times and open again before she falls asleep. Looking over at Katniss, I see that she's fallen asleep too. _

_/_

I woke up in tears.

_Poor Katniss, _I thought. _I have all these people to care about me…and even tease me. I have no idea if she has anyone. She can't even talk. What if Haymitch is just drunk all the time? I haven't heard from him which might mean he is. Her mother didn't sound very confident about taking care of her? I'm abandoning her. I can't do that! _

Looking out the window I saw that sunrise was not far away. I got up, and started my day. As soon as Vick woke up an hour later I asked him to help me with the buttons on my shirt and my shoe laces.

"It's too early to go to work with Delly. Where are you going? " He asked.

"I'm going to see Katniss."

Vick looked surprised.

"Do you want somebody to go with you?"

"No, I think it's something I have to do by myself."

/

It wasn't as difficult as you might imagine entering the mansion, at least not for me. I was accompanied by armed guards and questioned by a commander named Paylor though. She seemed very concerned about why I'd want to see Katniss. Then she asked me if I knew where she was.

"Know where she is? Don't you know where she is? I thought she was here?" I asked, becoming rather upset.

"She is here. At least we think she is. Since you showed up, we thought maybe she was planning on leaving with you and that might be why she's trying to hide from us again."

"Hide from you? She _hides_ from you?"

"Oh, yes. She disappears all the time. Apparently she likes to be alone. We find her all kinds of places, mostly closets, attics, and other storage areas."

Seized by guilt I remembered the nights after the Victory Tour when Katniss showed up on my doorstep disoriented and shivering. Clearly not thinking clearly she'd be underdressed for the weather and sometimes mumbling about the traumatic events we'd experienced during the games. What had I done then? I'd loved her. What had I done this time? Ignored her. _Completely_ ignored her by failing to even check on her. Isn't that what I was angry with her for doing to me?

/

"Haymitch," I screamed as I poured a long over-due pitcher of cold water over his head.

"What the…Kid, you better not ever do…" Then he shook his head as if he wondered if I was really there.

"Katniss is missing."

"So what else is new?" He said turning away. "Leave her alone. She'll show up."

"No! Leaving her alone has never been a good option when she's like this."

"Well, you think I'm so much like her. If it were me then I'd want to be left alone. In fact, I'd like it if you left _me _alone right now."

"Hmmm," I said sarcastically as I picked up a liquor bottle and threw it on the floor where it shattered into a million pieces. Haymitch stared down at it. His eyes didn't seem to be focusing properly. "Being alone has worked out so well in your life, hasn't it?" I added.

He sighed.

"Everything alright in there, Haymitch?" The guard called from outside the closed door to Haymitch's room.

"Yeah, I'm just kinda' clumsy today. You know me," He feigned laughter.

"You are such a good liar, Haymitch."

"Oh? How 'bout you? Are you a good liar?"

"Maybe we both are or were. I never abandoned somebody to be tortured and killed though. I never went months and months without even warning him that that could happen to him, without telling him about a revolution in which he was already a particpant."

Haymitch leaned over and rested his head on his palms.

"Peeta, you know I never meant…"

"Yes, I know that. We're wasting time. Help me find Katniss. Help me find her, and it might make up for a tiny portion of what your deception cost me. Where does she go? What does she do?"

"She goes _everywhere _and she doesn't _do _anything."

"Does she have access to her medicine?" I ask him.

"Well, yeah. She takes it, I think."

"I mean her _pain medicine_, Haymitch," I said with mounting frustration.

"Yeah."

"What the hell, Haymitch? You give her a couple of bottles of narcotics and just _hope_ she doesn't overdose."

Haymitch looks to the side and swallows hard. Then he turns to face me.

"Look, Peeta, I know you are _suddenly _worried about your little girlfriend, but whatever she does to deal with all of this is her business."

"Well I'm making it my business, starting today."


	79. Allusion

"Make it your business, huh?" Haymitch asked. "That would be the stupidest decision you could make, Peeta."

Suddenly he jumped up from the gilded chair where he'd been sitting. Haymitch appeared much older than he was, giving one the impression that he wasn't very agile. Nothing could be further from the truth though. Catching me off guard, he pushed me up against a bookcase, his arm across the front of my neck and chest.

"If you love her or even remotely care about her then _leave her alone_ right now," he said through clenched teeth. "You've done enough!"

I felt my muscles of my face tighten in confusion. He sounded accusatory, yet his gray and bloodshot eyes were soft and sympathetic. They mirrored the intensity of my desire to protect Katniss, but he seemed to want to protect _me. _ Something was wrong. There was something he wouldn't or couldn't tell me.

I looked around the room suspiciously. Was he being held against his will? Had something terrible happened to Katniss and he didn't have to courage to tell me…something that _nobody_ had the courage to tell me?

The bookcase shelves dug into my back, including one of the burns. Haymitch held me tight, never letting up the force of his grip. He kept me from moving, but I could have wrestled free. Did he need to keep me in one place?

"Okay," I said warily. "Whatever you say, Haymitch."

He let me go, and my shoulders slumped down. The burn on my back stung as it suddenly separated from the bandage over it.

"Good. Now get out of here. Go home and get better yourself. Don't worry about her."

"No, I…uh…want to talk to you," I answered cautiously.

"I need a drink. No, we aren't going to _talk._"

Again, his eyes revealed more than his words. The look in them was the same look my father's eyes displayed when he was trying to get me to _stop talking_ so I wouldn't provoke my mother's anger and subsequent discipline.

Then it hit me, _somebody's listening. Haymitch doesn't want them to hear whatever I might say._

I changed the subject.

"Is she speaking yet?" I asked quietly.

"No," Haymitch replied picking up a half-full liquor bottle and taking a swig. As he lowered the bottle he watched the liquor swirl inside it, avoiding eye contact with me.

"Do you think she will…someday?"

"No idea, Kid. No idea."

/

As I left Haymitch's room, the same despondency that had psychologically trapped me in my bedroom not long ago began to creep inside my soul again. I couldn't help Katniss. Haymitch made it as clear as he dared that my presence was _detrimental_ to Katniss.

Right before I left Haymitch he'd offered me a strange gift though. I held it in the palm of my hand. It was a deck of cards. They didn't even look new if the box was any indication. The corners of it were worn and torn in a few places. Perhaps they had some sentimental value. Maybe we'd played cards with this particular deck on a memorable occasion that I simply didn't remember.

Haymitch loved to gamble. We'd played cards many times, and in some ways it didn't seem that strange that he'd give me a deck of cards as a gift. The look in his eyes left me suspicious that the cards were important though. Haymitch had ushered me to the door before I could ask what their significance was, and if someone was listening he wouldn't have told me anyway. I stuffed the cards in my pants pocket and started to walk home.

/

Billy, Vick, and Johanna sat down at the table.

"Hey, Mellark. Get over here, we need one more," Johanna said.

I glanced at them. They were getting ready to play cards.

"Na, I'm already rich. No need to take your money," I laughed.

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Like I'm not? I've been a victor longer than you have. Seriously, get over here. We aren't playing for money."

She gestured with her arm ominously. Clearly, she wasn't going to take "no" for an answer. I put down the book I had been reading and made my way to the table.

"Oh, I forgot the cards," Vick said standing up.

"I'll get them," I offered. Suddenly I remembered Haymitch's cards and stepped into my room to get them.

"Oh, these are great. Where'd you get those?" Johanna said opening the box. I explained.

They were very nice playing cards, expensive ones. They had beautiful drawings of tigers on the backs of them. Johanna shuffled and dealt the cards as I sat down.

The cards made me think of Katniss. I really wanted to try to see her again, but Haymitch had been so insistent that I stay away.

_She can't be dead,_ I thought. _That information would have leaked by now. _

The thought of it sent a pain through my chest.

I picked up my cards, feigning an interest in the game for the sake of my friends. My mouth dropped open when I looked at my hand. Every single card was an ace of spades with the image of an elegant tigress adorning it.

Looking up at the others, I watched each one stare at their cards in a confused way.

"Peeta?" Vick said suspiciously without looking at me. "Where'd you say you got these cards?"

"Haymitch," I answered laying mine down on the table for everyone to see and then letting my hands settle in my lap.

"Well you can bet he didn't give them to you for playing poker," Johanna said as she tossed hers on the table. Vick and Billy did the same. Every card in the whole deck bore the image of a tigress and was in the suite of spades.

"Is this some kind of message?" Billy asked innocently. He didn't know Haymitch, but Johanna and I did.

"Oh, definitely," Johanna answered.

"What does it mean?" Vick asked.

"That I should visit an old friend," I answered.

/

_I have a physical representation of my fears, one place where I let them flourish. They have to live somewhere, and the designated place is an old notebook with tattered corners and a bent wire binding. That's why I make it such an fear-filled thing; it is already ugly. I fill it with more ugliness._

_Drawing dark pictures of scary people, vicious monsters, uncontrollable storms, and wild animals; I try to put it all on paper. I even write how I feel sometimes. Refusing to dwell on what's in the notebook, I put it away literally by stuffing it under the thin mattress on my bed._

_And somehow I feel better._

_I close my eyes with my pencil in my hand. The breeze from the window blows in my face, ruffling my hair which had grown too long over the relatively lazy summer months. I open my eyes to my mother's face on the page. So angry. So full of hatred…towards me. I close my eyes again. The picture has taken me days to draw, and the finished work sends a shiver down my spine despite the fact that I've been looking at it unfinished for some time. _

_I think to myself: Yes, I've captured her hatred. For better or for worse, I have. _

_Very carefully and nearly soundlessly I tear the page out of the notebook._

_I turn over on my back in the bed and stare up at it, taking in the horror of all that anger being directed at me. Then my trembling fingers find the top edge of the paper. I manage to position my thumbs and index fingers to tear a tiny corner off the side. Then I clinch my teeth, take a deep breath, and rip a full strip of paper from the drawing. _

_My hands tremble even more as I tear a second strip away. I feel tears begin to well up in my eyes even though I am lying on my back and staring upwards. As I start to rip another strip off the drawing, I move my hands to the other side and tear at the nearly blank border there. _

_At this point tears are streaming down my face. I stare at the image before me, an image I've both created and desecrated. My mother's face remains unspoiled. Her flailing arms are also intact. Only the background has really been destroyed. I go to tear another strip off, one that will rip through the center of the drawing and the likeness of my mother. My hands won't do what my mind wills them to do though. I drop the drawing onto the floor, turn over, and cry into my pillow. _

[Special thanks to "Loueze" for several ideas regarding this chapter]


	80. Top Secret (revised)

Tigris' shop hadn't changed much except that her focus had apparently shifted from fur underwear to fur jackets in these more practical times. She picked up a card from the deck. I'd spread it across the shop's glass countertop to show her that all the cards were the same.

"It looks as if those tigers could jump from the pictures, doesn't it?" She pointed out.

"Yes," I said, "I thought he must be trying to symbolize you with all those tigers."

Tigris laid the card she was holding down with the others.

"Did you actually get to talk freely with Haymitch?" She asked.

"No, he told me to leave and that we wouldn't be talking anymore after I asked him to help me find where Katniss was hiding. I think he thought our conversation was not private."

"He was probably right."

"So the mansion has listening devices?"

"Oh, yes. I think so. Snow would have wanted to keep track of his visitors."

I swallowed hard. The mansion was like a prison for Katniss. She was disoriented, not able to leave, being spied on…

"So you think Haymitch sent you here to have a private conversation? So I could tell you something that he couldn't?" She asked.

"Yes," I admitted. "At least that's what I was hoping. What can you tell me?"

Tigris sighed and patted my arm lightly.

"Don't be too eager to learn every secret, Peeta. There are times when it is better not to know."

Becoming exasperated I confided, "I _have_ to know. Haymitch made it clear to me that seeing her would be bad for her. I _have_ to know why. Abandoning Katniss for no good reason is not acceptable to me…not now…not ever."

She paused, apparently trying to gauge how persistent I planned to me. The answer was "very persistent."

"All right then, but knowing won't make it any easier. It won't enable you to change anything either."

Her statements were making me increasingly fearful for Katniss. They made me want to run to the mansion and find Katniss…to take her away from that place…to take her anywhere else…to hide her.

"What do you know about the ace of spades?"

"It's the high card."

"Yes, and Katniss is still our greatest asset even disoriented and injured."

"So the card is about Katniss?" I asked.

"Yes, I feel confident that it is."

"What else? There has to be more to the message than that. Haymitch would know that I already think Katniss is important for a number of reasons. He'd certainly know she is still important to me."

Tigirs nodded her head.

"Yes. That's true. What about outside of card games? What significance does the ace of spades have there?"

I shrugged, still frustrated by the lack of clarity.

"A long time ago some people thought they could tell a person's future with cards like these. Of course, that's just silly, but some believed it so fervently that it affected the decisions they made," she said. "Haymitch is sending us a message by pointing out the superstitions associated with this card. Other cards have meanings too, but this is the one he chose. "

"Go on…" I encouraged.

"It's the 'death card.'"

"So Haymitch thinks she's going to die?" I ask quietly. I was kind of afraid of that even though I didn't know about the card meaning "death."

"It doesn't always mean "death;" It can mean a significant change and a new beginning."

"So you think he means change, not death?"

"I think he means both," she said.

Still focused on the idea of Katniss dying I asked, "How would she die? Is somebody trying to kill her? Capitol loyalists maybe?" I asked.

"Although there's some opposition to District 13's governments, there's surprisingly little Capital loyalism. When the Capitol citizens saw their_ own_ children blown up on television, they changed their minds pretty quickly about Snow and his ways."

"Who then? Who would want her dead?"

"Some people on _our_ side."

"Why?" I asked surprised. "She helped them secure the backing of almost every district. She went to district 2 where she was _shot_ trying to gain their support. Then she came here and tried to take out Snow. How could anybody on our side dislike Katniss?"

"Certain people think she is unpredictable and represents a threat," Tigris continued.

"She can't even _talk!"_

"I know it must sound absurd to you, Peeta. You know her personally, and you care about her. Some people don't. They simply want to eliminate a rival." Tigris explained calmly.

_Eliminate a rival? Eliminate? _Suddenly the realization hit me.

"Coin. She put me in Katniss' unit thinking I'd kill her, didn't she? That's why she sent me here! She thought she could kill Katniss with _me _as her weapon, just like Snow tried to do. She knew she could explain away how I killed her and how she wanted me with her because of our _relationship_ to each other…and that _that's _what cost Katniss her life."

I started pacing across the floor in front of the counter. All those worries about killing her. All those sleepless hours spent handcuffed to that support beam in the cellar of Tigris' shop. Mitchell's death. _All_ of it was caused by Coin's sick desire to _eliminate_ Katniss in a way that didn't implicate her.

"Don't panic, Peeta. That won't help anyone, least of all Katniss," Tigris urged.

"We have to get her out of there," I murmured.

"No. That would arouse suspicion that we feel Katniss is in danger. It's better if Coin thinks we trust her. She's arrogant, and she believes we worship her for rescuing us from the Capitol. We can't let her know we see anything wrong with anything she's done or plans to do. Paylor's troops are protecting Katniss. Paylor ordered them to protect the Mockingjay at all costs, and Paylor's troops are fiercely loyal to her, not Coin.

Besides, after everything Snow did the public is highly suspicious of political rivals who inexplicably die. Coin can't just murder Katniss. There would be a thorough investigation into any death. Coin has to let Katniss deteriorate naturally while _looking_ like she's actually trying to save Katniss. Coin's simply waiting for Katniss to die."

"To die from what?" I ask, stopping the pacing and staring at Tigris.

"Starvation, illness, grief…" Her voice became softer as she finished her statement.

I brought my hand to my forehead, emotionally anguished by what Tigris was saying.

"For Prim."

"For everybody, but especially her sister."

"I want to take care of her and I've done it before. Giving up on her is not an option, and I won't do it."

"Absolutely not, Peeta. You and Katniss together is even more of a threat to Coin than Katniss alone. She'll kill both of you, and she might take the chance of being suspected just to dispose of you quickly. Haymitch is right; you have to stay away from Katniss. Go home. Wait. Nobody is giving up on Katniss. Let Paylor and Haymitch deal with her. Paylor's troops actually try to help Katniss take care of herself. They let her get lost because it's safer for her, then they bring her back to her room to eat and take her medicine. They are trying to make it all look like chance, but it's strategic."

"And why is Haymitch drunk when he knows Katniss is in danger?"

"Because that's what he does…especially when people are in danger…and especially when those people are you and Katniss."

I started pacing again, my mind racing through ideas of how to save Katniss' life.

"Go home, Peeta. Let Paylor worry about this. You can't help her. Not this time."

_/_


	81. Brave New World

As I entered the glistening white building, I was reminded of how much I _hate_ hospitals. Of course, I'd never seen one until I was in the games. "Medicine" in District 12 was practiced on Mrs. Everdeen's kitchen table or in the small back room of the apothecary. Nobody _stayed_ in those places. Sick people were cared for in their homes by their families. We had no technology, few actual medications, and many home remedies.

Katniss did tell me about a few times when her mother had let patients stay for a day or so. Usually the patient was dying and in pain so Mrs. Everdeen wanted to spare them from the discomfort of being moved. These situations terrified Katniss, and she'd spend all the time she could in the woods when they occurred.

Katniss' mother certainly was an _interesting_ person. She doled out compassion to mere acquaintances in a crisis, but she had trouble sharing her emotions with those closest to her when her world was relatively calm. Sometimes her outpouring of compassion even chased her daughter away as it did with the times she allowed patients to stay in the house. Poor Katniss had little security anyway, and even that was taken from her when she didn't feel safe in her own home.

I made my way to the main nurses' station on the floor where I knew Mrs. Everdeen worked and asked for her.

"She's probably in the lounge. That's where she sleeps…second door on the right," a young nurse said.

"She sleeps here?" I asked.

"Almost every night. She's very dedicated to taking care of the wounded."

_Yes, I'm sure that's the only reason, _I thought sarcastically.

I knocked briefly, and then I walked in. The room was a public area of the hospital, and I didn't know if she would even be there. She was there though, holding her hands up to the back of her blonde head as she worked her hair into a bun.

"Peeta. I'm so surprised to see you," she said. "Is everything all right?"

"Not really."

"What's wrong?"

"When's the last time you saw Katniss, Mrs. Everdeen?

"Ummm. About two weeks ago. Is she okay?"

I felt an unexpected anger boil inside me.

"Why aren't you with her?" I tried to ask gently, but the guilt in her eyes told me that she knew that I was unhappy with her answer. "You said you were worried about her."

"I…I can't be there."

"What do you mean you_ can't_? They won't let you?"

Mrs. Everdeen's eyes started to look teary, and the pale skin of her face turned pink.

"No. They'll let me in. I've been assigned quarters there, but I can't bear to look at Katniss. That vacant look in her eyes, Peeta. She's…gone. Katniss can't speak. I don't know what she wants. She's withdrawn most of the time and angry when she's not withdrawn. I feel like I've lost _both_ of my daughters."

Mrs. Everdeen sat down on her make-shift bed which consisted of several chairs pushed together and hospital blankets. Then she turned her face away from me.

"I'm not trying to make anything worse for you, but you really are going to lose her for _real _if you don't help her. Don't you understand? I can barely function, and I have several very dedicated friends helping me. How could Katniss ever manage with just drunk Haymitch and some soldiers there with her? She needs you. You're her _mother_."

She looked up at me pleadingly, "Can't you do it?" she whispered. "Can't you two just take care of each other now that you're so much better, Peeta."

"No, I can't. Even though I can't explain you have to believe me when I say that that would be bad for Katniss."

She turned towards a picture on the wall and avoided eye contact with me again. I noticed that her uniform was perfect, no wrinkles. She didn't look thinner than the last time I'd seen her. There was a certain weariness about her, but that wasn't new.

I knelt down so I was on her level. Touching her arm with my thinly bandaged hand I tried to get her to look at me. She turned. "Please help her, Violet. I know you don't like to give up on anyone. Don't give up on your own daughter when there's still hope."

/

I closed the door to my room, turned off the lights, and waited. I'd called Dr. Aurlius an hour before and left a message that I needed to talk to him. I'd ignored his attempts to reach me for some time though, and I wouldn't blame him if he never called me back.

Curling up like a small child, I covered my ear and face with a pillow.

_Deep breathes, Peeta. _I told myself. _It's not real._

There was virtually no hope of avoiding an episode, but I had to try.

The phone rang, and I grabbed it. To heck with my fragile skin.

"Hello," I said in a quivering voice.

"Peeta? It's Dr. Aurelius. Did you call me?"

"Yes. Yes, thank you for calling me back. I'm sorry I haven't been back to see you or talked to you. I just…"

"That's okay, Peeta. Tell me what's wrong right now."

"I think I'm going crazy again," I confessed desperately. The floodgate of tears I'd been holding back opened.

"Why do you think that?"

"I'm seeing things. I have these fears that I can't get out of my head," I pushed my other hand up into my hair and messed it up. "You have to help me."

"Peeta are you afraid you'll hurt yourself?"

"I don't know…I'm not sure."

"Are you alone?"

"Yes."

"Does anyone live nearby you, a friend? I want you to come to see me, but it would be better if you came with a friend so I know you'll be safe until you get here."

"I don't know…maybe." I couldn't think clearly enough to remember where all my friends were located at that moment.

I heard Dr. Aurelius talking to someone in the background.

"Is it okay with you if we call Delly?" He asked.

"Yes, but…I don't know where she is. She might be at work…or at home. I don't know. What time is it," I rambled.

"Peeta, let us worry about finding her. How about her roommates, are they your friends too?"

"Yes."

"Is it okay for us to talk to them?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I've got somebody calling your friends. You just stay here on the phone with me. Say whatever you need to say."

I babbled on to Dr. Aurelius about how I was going crazy, and within just a few minutes I heard the doorbell ring.

"Is that your doorbell, Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"Yes."

"Okay, you go answer the door."

"Who is it?" I asked warily.

"Who is it?" I heard Dr. Aurelius asked someone in his office, probably the person who tried to reach my friends.

"It's Johanna Mason," The person in the background answered.

"That's good. She…understands…sort of," I said.

"Yes, Peeta. She understands. Go ahead and answer the door. She's going to bring you here. I'll see you in a few minutes."

The doorbell rang again as I made my way through the living room. When I opened the door relief started to settle inside me. I'd no longer be alone with these demons if Johanna was with me. I was stunned when I found a District 13 soldier behind the door instead of Johanna.

"_Why is he here?" _I asked myself._ "Is he going to kill me? Has he killed Katniss already?"_

"Are you Peeta Mellark?"

I was quiet.

"Are you Peeta Mellark?" He asked again.

He reached his hand down, and I resigned myself to death.

Then he pulled an envelope from his pocket and held it out to me.

Suddenly I saw Johanna come up behind him and wrap her arms around his chest. She whirled him around before he knew what was happening and pushed him mercilessly up against the wall in the hallway.

"What the _hell_ are you doing here?" She said. "Stay away from us…all of us. We don't want to be a part of your political _games _any more than we wanted to be a part of the Hunger Games_." _She was screaming at him by the end of her statement, and her face inched closer to his.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Ma'am. I'm just following orders. That letter is for him."

The soldier stared down at the letter where it had come to rest on the floor.

"Oh, yeah? I got a letter like that too. It's a brave new world, right? A new government, president, and way of life?" She pushed him even harder against the wall making him squirm a little. "Hmmph. I don't think so."

She abruptly let go of him and smoothed his uniform shirt with her hands mockingly, "Now go tell your prissy president that I might come to her meeting, and I might not." Johanna slapped the soldier on the shoulder signaling him to leave.

"I could have you arrested for assault," he said.

"I'd like to see you try."

I stood there with my mouth gaping open. Johanna reached down and picked up the letter. As soon as her attention was away from him the soldier exited as quickly as possible.

"Come on, Peeta. Let's go," she said.

Once I reached Dr. Aurelius' office, I paced the floor non-stop mumbling about how afraid I was.

"Did you take any medicine before you left home?" He asked.

"Yes, it's not working."

Dr. Aurelius sighed.

"What's bothering you most; boil it down to that for me."

"They're going to kill her!" I exclaimed bringing my hands to the sides of my head.

"Who? Katniss?"

"Yes."

"Who is?"

"Lots of people could, but she's going to die. Don't you see? She has too much power, and they can't predict what she'll do next. Nobody ever could, not even me," I explained. "And I hear she's not doing well anyway. You've seen her. Is she?"

"Well," he hesitated. "My sessions with Katniss have always been different than the ones I have with you. She has to be in control. Right now I can't do much for her. I meet with her to see if anything has changed and be supportive. I don't think she's made much progress, and I can't really push her. If I do…"

"She'll shut down even more...I know…I know," I finished, still pacing the floor.

"Peeta, why don't you sit down?"

"Sit down? You expect me to sit down?" I asked, using my arms to express myself as much as my words. I couldn't stop moving.

"Okay, then tell me more about what's bothering you right now," he said.

I managed to stop and look at him intently.

"I'm a terrible, terrible person." I said slowly.

He leaned forward and put aside his clipboard.

"Tell me _why_ you think you are a terrible person, Peeta." He said gently.

There was a chair right behind me, and I slumped into it. Closing my eyes, I started my confession.

"Because when I get really sick like this, I still have visions of killing her. Just like when I tried to kill her…but sometimes the methods are different. Sometimes I have visions of hurting her too." I swallowed hard, "sometimes they are about…sex."

"You mean they are about you raping her?" He asked as if I just told him what the weather was like and he was asking for some clarification.

"Yes," I whispered as I lowered my head. I felt tears fall from my closed eyelids and onto my arms.

"I'm not surprised by that, Peeta," Dr. Aurelius said quietly.

"Because you _know_ I'm a bad person? Just like my mother knew I was bad? I asked

"No, because I know what they did to you."

"That's no excuse. It's not an excuse for any of it."

"I think it _explains_ it all. None of this comes from _you._ It comes from what's _happened_ to you. What you have to do is manage it, and respond to it appropriately. You don't want to hurt Katniss in any way or try to kill her. Am I right?"

"That's the last thing I want," I looked up at him for a moment, tears running down my cheeks. I wasn't embarrassed by them though. I didn't care. "The ones where I don't actually kill her are the worst because she looks at me, and she's so hurt…so betrayed. The Capitol made me believe that she was manipulating me when she did that, but that's not what it is. She's hurt by what's happening…by what I'm doing. She looked like that when I tried to strangle her too, but I thought she was just acting…the way she did in our Hunger Games."

Dr. Aurelius sighed deeply.

"They couldn't fully eradicate your compassion for Katniss, Peeta. They had to _twist_ your conclusions about her responses instead."

"But these visions, they haunt me. I love Katniss, and I'm repeatedly tormented by visions of her being hurt and killed…by_ me_. And now I'm afraid that there are people out there who want and have the opportunity to kill her, and there's nothing I can do about any of it. I wonder if she feels safe. So many times I my life I haven't felt safe. I want her to be safe…and to feel safe. You know…I'd kill myself before hurting her again."

It was so hard for me to think clearly. What I was saying was jumbled together, but I couldn't untangle it. I was certainly no longer a charismatic boy who could charm people with words.

Dr. Aurelius nodded his head. "I can see why you would say that you'd kill yourself before hurting Katniss again, but I don't think that's the answer _at all_. There are many other ways to deal with this. I can help you. It can get so much better. First of all, you need a higher dose of the pills I gave you before…"

"I don't want any more pills," I said emphatically.

"You really need to take them, Peeta. I'm very worried about you. The pills can make the visions less vivid, decrease their frequency, or maybe even make them go away."

"Maybe I deserve to suffer through them," I speculated. "Maybe that's my punishment.

"No. You _certainly_ do not deserve this. Punishing yourself isn't going to help anybody. If you really wanted to keep suffering like this, then you wouldn't have called me. So, I'm asking you to cooperate with my plans to help you get better. That's what will help you…and Katniss. I think you can do that. What do you think?"

There was a long pause before I answered.

"I'll try," I said as I looked back down at my hands.

Dr. Aurelius called his secretary into the room while he went outside to talk to Johanna. The secretary was a calming presence, but I was embarrassed for her to see me so upset. People had a certain expectation of what I should be like, and a blubbering cry baby was not it.

When Dr. Aurelius came back he said, "Peeta, I don't want to put you in the hospital unless I absolutely must."

I flinched at him even mentioning the hospital.

Dr. Aurelius continued, "I know being in the hospital again would be very traumatic for you, but we need to keep you safe. Johanna and I talked. One of your friends is going to be with you all the time. You have to promise me that you'll tell your friends if you think you are getting worse or think you might hurt yourself."

"I promise," I said.

He patted my shoulder and thanked Johanna who was standing at the door.

On the way home I decided that I was tired of talking about being crazy.

"What was that letter the soldier brought, Johanna? You seemed to know what it was."

"Coin is asking all the Victors to come to a special meeting. Annie and I got letters too. You're not going though, especially not now. I'm not letting that woman anywhere near you. She sent you to the Capitol and just made everything worse for you. Why should you do anything for her?"

_A meeting for victors? _I thought. _That means Katniss should be there._


	82. The Vote

The line twisted down the block as the morning wore on. Groups of soldiers sat in small groups along the sidewalk waiting for their turns at distribution center. The government gave priority to soldiers and veterans of the war during distributions. Vick, Billy, and I waited patiently, dressed in our uniforms. We planned to share whatever food and household goods we were given with Annie, Johanna, and Delly.

The distributions provided items that were impossible to buy. The war destroyed major portions of Panem's infrastructure. More luxury items than essential ones were available for purchase in the Capitol because nobody cared about "luxury" when they didn't have the basics. Those of us from the Districts faced severe deprivation before the war, but most Capitol citizens had never experienced it. Their resentment grew as they tried to reconcile their new lives.

I read a book and eavesdropped on Billy and Vick while they talked about Delly. Billy was always gathering information in subtle ways to make sure Vick was treating his sister well. I suspected that he checked the information against what Delly told him to make sure Vick always told the truth. Billy didn't trust anyone, even Vick.

Then I heard a familiar voice call my name. When I looked up, I saw one of the last people I wanted to see.

"Peeta! How are you? You look great, almost a camera ready war hero."

"Hello, Plutarch." I forced myself to be civil despite the swirl of bitterness I felt in my chest at the mere sight of him.

"So, how's your recovery going? Are you ready to do some propos?" He asked. "We need to encourage political stability, you know. Your burns don't have to be completely healed to do propos; the partially healed burns would make you look tougher."

Closing my book, I stood up so I'd be on eye level with Plutarch rather than below him. I made sure the title on the spine of my book showed. A well-educated man like Plutarch would have heard of "The Prince" by Machiavelli. Johanna gave me the book and encouraged me to read it so we could talk about it. I'd been surprised by how much satisfaction it gave me to try to work out my ideas about the Capitol and the new government by discussing the book with her.

"To tell you the truth, Plutarch. I don't ever want to see another camera again," I answered as I glared at Plutarch's nearby camera crew.

Plutarch chuckled, "Oh, you can't mean that. After everything celebrity did for you, you're going to reject it now?"

Billy and Vick were standing with me by this point, and out of the corner of my eye I could see the look on shock on Vick's face. Of course, Vick didn't know Plutarch. Nothing the man did or said surprised me.

"Yeah, celebrity has turned me into quite an _exceptional_ person," I said sarcastically.

"You know what I mean, Peeta. You shouldn't even be standing in this line. If you'd just use your influence then you wouldn't be, and you wouldn't have that influence if it weren't for…"

"That'll be enough," Billy piped up as he pushed me back a little so that he was between Plutarch and me. "Peeta is much too polite to ask you to leave, but I'm not. Leave."

Plutarch raised his eyebrows and dismissively waved his hand at Billy. I hoped Plutarch would leave it at that. Of my two companions, Billy was certainly the most unpredictable.

"I'll have you know that I'm the Minister of Communications," Plutarch told Billy smugly.

"I know who you are…the Minister of bull..."

"Billy!" Vick cautioned him, positioning himself to physically pull Billy back if necessary.

"Okay, Peeta," Plutarch said. "Have it your way for now. You can call off your bodygaurd who can barely grow facial hair. Just make sure you are on time to the meeting."

Plutarch touched his watch, and mysteriously a mockingjay appeared. Something seemed familiar about the watch.

"I'm not planning to go," I told him.

Plutarch's expression changed. His eyes narrowed, and he took a step forward. He put his hand on my upper arm. I looked down at his hand disapprovingly. Billy flinched.

"Oh, no. Peeta, you have to go." Plutarch's voice was almost a whisper, "You have to go for _her._"

"Peeta doesn't owe the president anything," Billy countered. "He's done his duty."

Plutarch only addressed me; he didn't look at Billy. Staring into my eyes, he said, "not for the president, Peeta. For _her._" He raised his left wrist again and nodded at the watch.

Then Plutarch shuffled down the street to meet his camera crew.

/

"So what did you get?" Delly asked when we arrived back at our apartment. She'd stayed there waiting for us.

"Food mostly," Billy answered.

"Good!" Delly said as she started unloading the bags.

Billy slapped her hands away. "Go help Peeta; I'll put the food away."

So Delly sat down with me at the table. While I did my hand exercises with my left hand, she rubbed the burn cream into the scars on my other hand the way she'd been taught at the burn center. All the work was supposed to prevent my hands from becoming immobile. I wished I could do it all myself, but with both of my hands burned some tasks were impossible for me. When I grew incredibly frustrated with all the things I couldn't do I tried to remind myself that my hands had been burned throwing my love to the ground in an attempt to save her life...something I'd accomplished. The thought kept me from completely breaking down because I'd do it all again to save Katniss.

Delly and I switched hands.

Johanna walked into the apartment without knocking.

"Billy," Delly scolded. "You have to lock the door; this isn't District 12."

"Good to see you too, Del." Johanna smirked. "Apparently she thinks you need protection from me," She added looking at Billy. "And she's probably right."

"You know that's not what I mean," Delly answered.

"Hi, Gorgeous," Joahanna said to me. "How are you feeling today?"

"Okay," I answered trying to sound cheerful.

"Johanna, Peeta says he's going to the meeting of the victors," Delly said. I gave her a stern look and squirmed in my chair a little. This wasn't the time or place to discuss it.

"_No. _That would be bad for Peeta," Johanna said.

"It is Peeta's decision," Delly countered.

Billy rolled his eyes. "Girls. Always bickering. You both act like you're his mother…and my mother. Why can't Peeta just make his own decisions?" He asked.

"Yeah? Sure. We can let Peeta make his own decision. Then we'll all get to spend another week babysitting him because he gets suicidal again," Johanna replied.

Everyone in the room froze and stared at Johanna, except for Delly who looked away from my hand and into my eyes. I tried to pull my hand away, but she gently grasped it.

"I think I'm going to go to my room," I said.

Delly looked at me nervously.

"I'm okay, Delly. I promise," I told her.

She nodded, and let go of my hand.

/

_The guard gives Johanna a hard push and she lands on the concrete floor of her cell, bumping the clear plastic wall as she falls. I notice that she is wearing a new jumpsuit. _

_I whisper her name as the guard leaves._

_She inches to the back of her cell and doesn't answer me. Once there she rolls into a ball and sobs._

_I lean up against the clear barrier between our cells at a respectful distance from her. If she wants to be alone, then I'll allow her to be as solitary as she can be in our circumstances. _

_The head guard comes into the cellblock. Johanna shrinks further into the recesses of her cell than I would have thought possible, finding a tiny alcove in the corner and cowering there. _

_The head guard smirks at me, "having a good day, Prisoner Mellark?" I ball my hands into fists as a whole new wave of anger rushes over me. "Everything we do is for you, after all. That red head was tough, but this little girl," he points to Johanna, "she's a firecracker. She's always fighting us whenever we ask her to do anything. It takes three of us just to hold her down."_

_I shuddered and let Katniss' voice singing the Valley Song run though my head…LOUD. The head guard lists all the terrible things he has planned for Johanna. I look back at her, wondering if she is hearing any of this conversation. She's motionless and breathes steadily. _

"_What do you want from me?" I ask the head guard._

"_Your cooperation, Mellark. We need your cooperation. The more you cooperate with us, the better the chances that we won't have to hurt Firecracker so much. It might be difficult for me to hold the guards back sometimes though. They like a feisty prisoner."_

_My visceral reaction continues._

"_What do you want me to cooperate with?"_

"_Something new; I'll take you to medical in half an hour. They'll show you."_

_/_

_I know it's ludicrous to trust them. What choice do I have though? If I don't cooperate, they'll force me to do whatever they have planned anyway. Perhaps they'll be easier on Johanna if I cooperate...and they'll probably be easier on me too. They put an IV in my hand, A man wearing green injects a clear fluid into the IV which stings horribly. If he hadn't strapped my hand to the arm of the chair I wouldn't have been able to hold it still. _

_"How do you feel?" He asks me._

_"Dizzy." I say. I'm telling the truth; I feel like I'm about to pass out moments after the injection._

_He injects more of the clear fluid. As I watch him my vision starts to blur, and my eyes see two syringes rather than just one._

_I lean my head back against the wall behind me._

_"You all right?" He asks._

_"Will you stop if I say no?" I ask. He doesn't answer._

_He seems overly concerned about my safety given that I'm a prisoner._

_"What's this going to do to me?" I inquire as I feel my heart start to race._

_"Help you remember," he answers. "Don't fight it; just give into whatever happens when the drug starts to work."_

_Somehow I know I shouldn't cooperate with that part._

/

I was doing my hand exercises in the taxi on the way to the President's mansion. My rehabilitation therapist loved it when she found out that my hand exercises had become a way to work out my anxiety. For the first time I was actually doing them as often as she wanted.

"Do you have to do that _now_?" Johanna asked, annoyed.

I put my hand down.

"Don't let me hurt Katniss," I said.

"I won't. I'll knock you out or something if you try. That's how much I care." Johanna turned to me and her previously serious expression morphed into a wry smile. "It'd be kind of fun to knock you out, Mellark."

I shook my head at her irreverance for my sensabilities. She was so predictable sometimes.

At the mansion Paylor's soldiers lead us to an ornate meeting room. The other surviving victors were already there. Johanna shot daggers at Enobaria with her eyes as we joined the group.

"Does anybody know why we're here?" Annie asked.

Haymitch shrugged.

We all knew Snow's execution was going to happen right after the meeting, but I'd decided not to attend the execution.

"Does it have to do with the execution?" I asked.

Haymitch shrugged again. Interestingly, everybody seemed to think he was the one with the answers.

The door opened and Katniss walked in wearing her mockingjay suit. Before she could make eye contact, I looked down at the table. I thought about her in her red plaid dress with her hair in two braids. That's how I planned to imagine her all day.

"What's this?" Katniss asked. I looked up at her, shocked that she was talking again. That's when I got a good look at her. Her uniform was too big. Her stylists had done a good job, but the dark circles under her eyes were still obvious to me. Worst of all was the emptiness I saw when I made eye contact with her. I wasn't sure I agreed with her mother that she was "gone," but she was certainly very troubled. My eyes darted down again as Haymitch explained what little we knew about the meeting.

I could hear my heart beating. Faster and faster...

_Red plaid and pigtales…red plaid and pigtales…_I repeated to myself. There was nothing disturbing about those years. We were learning to read, playing tag on the playground, and running home from school.

My eyes darted towards Katniss again, and I saw her looking at my hands. Moments later I hid my hands under the table. They started to tremble. I swallowed hard and briefly closed my eyes before opening them again. Johanna looked at me warily.

My mind wandered, jumping from one period of time I'd spent with Katniss to another.

_The yellow dress. She's so beautiful in that yellow dress, just on the edge of being truly grown up. I wish I could talk to her. She might like me if I could just talk to her. _

_Her hands. She has smaller hands than you'd think given her skill with a bow. I still can't believe she came back for me. I'm dying. I'll only hold her back. Why would she come back for me? I don't want to die alone, but I don't want her to give up her chance to win for me either. I stay still because it hurts so much to move or talk. Then I talk anyway because I have to tell her. I can't die without telling her. That would hurt more._

_She's kissing me. Why in the world would she kiss me right here and now when we've just watched our friends die? She should leave me. I'm nothing. I'm not even a human being anymore…just a shell of who I was…and programmed to kill her like those slithering beasts in the sewers. She's come back for me though, and she's kissing me. _

Johanna was right. I shouldn't have come to this meeting. I started to get up and leave even though I knew it was likely they'd just bring me back.

Then I heard something that broke through all my inner thoughts.

"We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children," Coin said. I startled as if something had physically hit me.

"Are you joking?" I asked once the words sunk in.

"No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security."

"Was this Plutarch's idea?" Haymitch inquired.

"It was mine," Coin answered. "It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes."

Least loss of life?

"_Thank you for your service and your sacrifice,"_ I heard Snow say in my head. That's what he'd said to the tributes every year.

They'd tried to sacrifice my life and Katniss' life for the good of the country. No! No! They couldn't do that to other children. Tiberia and her brother? The little boy that I sheltered from bullets? The children the exploding parachutes missed? Put those children in an arena like they'd done to me…to be slaughtered? No! Never! I'd fight all over again to stop that!

"No! I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!" The words tumbled out before I could even think them through. They were born of raw emotion and outrage.

"Why not?" Johanna argued. "It seems fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes."

"So do I," Enobaria added as she sneered at Johanna. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine."

Visions of the dead bodies in the arena passed before my eyes. I shook all over, and I didn't care if anyone saw it. I couldn't help it anyway.

"This is why we rebelled! Remember?." I paused before turning to Annie, "Annie?" I was pleading with her with my eyes. She was carrying a child inside her. Surely she'd see how wrong this was.

"I vote no with Peeta," she said. Her eyes filled with tears as she said the words. I nodded my head desperately. "So would Finnick if he were here."

"But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him," Johanna pointed out.

Annie didn't change her vote. She knew. She knew how _evil_ this was.

"No," Beetee said. He made a logical argument, "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop seeing one another as enemies. At this point unity is essential for our survival. No."

"We're down to Katniss and Haymitch," Coin said.

_Surely we'll win then_, I thought.

But they were doing it again. Haymitch and Katniss were looking at each other with that knowing gaze. There was something I didn't know. I started to panic. What weren't they telling me?

"I vote yes…for Prim," Katniss said.

My mouth literally dropped open.

_This can't be the girl I love,_ I thought. _She wouldn't be a party to killing children outside of what we've already been forced to do in the Hunger games and to win the war. _

"Haymitch! You can't vote yes! You can't!" I said. "This is wrong! Don't you see that? You are going to sentence children to death. They don't deserve it. They are children. Whatever their parents or grand-parents have done does not give us the right to sentence them to death any more than the Capitol should have had the right to try to sentence all of us to death because of the rebellion 75 years ago. Don't do this. Please."

He wasn't even looking at me. His steely gray eyes stared at Katniss."

"I'm with the Mockingjay," he said.

I slumped in my chair. Defeated. Overcome. Horrified. Crushed.

Looking around the room, I saw the golden furnishings and rich fabrics. There were all the trappings of civility and sophistication. Beneath it all was just pure brutality and the primitive instinct to kill or be killed.

"Excellent. That carries the vote," said Coin.

She sounded awfully happy about the outcome, and I wondered if she'd have found a way to have the Games no matter how we voted. Maybe we were just her vehicle…her excuse…so she could not be implicated…just like she used me to try to eliminate Katniss.

"Now we really must take our places for the execution," Coin added.

I stared at the ground, unable to get my wits about me.

_Something is wrong. She…she wouldn't do this. Haymitch and Katniss aren't telling me something. Something important. _

Johanna took my arm, and I yanked it out of her hand.

"Get away from me," I said through clinched teeth.

"You said you wanted to avoid seeing the execution. They showed me where you could wait downstairs. I was just going to show you," she explained.

"I don't need your help; I'm going _outside."_

She rolled her eyes and whispered, "Peeta…do I need to remind you that your girlfriend voted the same way I did?"

I frowned at her.

She sighed. "You don't need to watch an execution right now. If you are angry with me about my vote, fine. Don't watch the execution though. It'll be bad for you."

"It's my decision," I told her. "You've made _your_ decision."

[AN: Let me know what you think! Quotes during the meeting are directly from Mockingjay. As always, ANYTHING you recognize and the creation of characters and world of Hunger Games are S. Collins' alone]


	83. Revenge

_I've been watching the bird for a few minutes. It is just lying there in the grass. Yesterday I saw it hopping around. Not today. Finally I get up and find a long stick. Reaching out towards the bird I poke the stick against its breast._

_Dead. I think. Definitely dead. _

_I sit down near it and start to tear up. _

"_Awww," I hear Aunt Ginny say sadly from behind me. "The mockingjay."_

_I wipe the tears away with my sleeve before she can see them. Though Aunt Ginny won't call me a baby like Mama, I don't like to cry in front of anybody._

_Aunt Ginny puts her hand on my shoulder._

"_When did you find him?" She asks._

"_Just now," I say._

_She approaches the bird and looks at him, turning this was and that to get a better view._

"_Looks like a cat got him," she says. "Must have been some kind of cat to kill a mockingjay like that. I bet that bird put up a fight too."_

_I nod my head._

"_I only wanted to chase him off," she admits, "I'm kind of sad he's dead," _

_Aunt Ginny walks over and lifts my chin gently so I'm looking at her, "You'll miss him too, huh?"_

"_Yeah, he knew so many songs. Now I won't get to hear him sing them. I liked to watch him fly too. That tree seemed to be his favorite," I point to the largest tree in the yard._

_Aunt Ginny nods. "So true, Peet. When anything dies…we lose what it knew…and the essence of what it was."_

"_People too?"_

"_Oh, yes…definitely people too. They can't stay here forever. We can remember though."_

_Aunt Ginny let go of my chin and put her hands on her hips. She smiled a faint sympathetic smile._

"_Well, whatever killed our mockingjay left him here. I suppose you could do this 'ole bird the respect of a proper burial if you'd like. You've got just enough time before dinner."_

_I ran the stick along the ground again. _

"_Ethan would make fun of me for doing something like that."_

"_Well, Ethan's not here. I am. I'd like it if you respected that mockingjay. He was a good bird…kept me company. Although I do wish he'd slept at night instead of singing those sad songs, I should have appreciated him more when he was alive." Aunt Ginny hugged me around the shoulders and leaned down to kiss the crown of my head. "Just goes to show that sometimes you don't know what you've got 'til you don't have it anymore."_

_/_

Counting helped me. I tapped my foot and counted each tap silently until I reached 200. The tapping wasn't silent though, and at about 180 Johanna bumped my knee with hers to try to get me to stop. I didn't stop.

Katniss was close to us. She looked strong on the outside, wearing her mockingjay suit and holding her bow. None of that fooled me though. She was fragile on the inside, ready to shatter into a million pieces at a moment's notice. My fear was that that moment might come sooner rather than later. There was something not right…I could feel it.

Katniss raised her bow. I'd seen her shoot a thousand times before. This time was no different as far as technique. She aimed at the condemned the way she aimed at any target. Her face was emotionless, and I wondered what thoughts were running though her head. The arena? The reapings? Rue? Finnick? Prim?

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, but suddenly I felt an awful sense of doom. My immediate response was to look up. That's when I saw the arrow. It was flying…but…not towards Snow.

Knowing where it was going, I looked back at Katniss. She looked stoic and calm.

Looking back to the terrace, I saw Coin fall over the side. Even though I'd anticipated the arrow's recipient, I gasped. Then I ran forward before anyone else could. Gray uniformed District 13 soldiers already had their hands all over Katniss, but holding her down was not a simple job. She was small and wrestled free despite their superior strength several times.

"Goodnight" I heard her whisper as she looked at her bow.

My heart raced as the words resonated. I realized what she had planned.

She raised her arm, and then she dropped her head. By pushing between several soldiers, I finally reached her. I grappled to get the best position to protect Katniss…from herself. My hand landed on her wrist just as she was trying to bite the nightlock pill, and her teeth cut deeply into my hand.

Blood smeared across her teeth and lip as she pulled away.

She stared at me in stunned silence and then screamed, "Let me go!"

She was talking to me. Not the soldiers.

"I can't," I said sincerely.

That's when I finally understood why she stayed with me during the games even when it seemed clear that I was dying. And why she wouldn't give me a nightlock pill or shoot me after I killed Mitchell. And why she kissed me when I told her…even begged her…to leave me behind in the sewers with the other mutts. And even why she seemingly deserted me in District 13 when I was so in need of her acceptance. Katniss _loved_ me, and she couldn't let me go. She couldn't let me in either.

The soldiers pulled her from my grasp, and the magnitude of what had just happened slowly hit me. I couldn't let her go, but she was being _taken_ from me. Probably forever.

As they carried her away, I turned back to where the victors had been seated. Though the crowd was frenzied, they hadn't overtaken the platform. My eyes met Haymitch's. He pressed his lips together and seemed to draw me in. When I reached him, he took my arm and lead me through a back door of the mansion. We sat in a parlor in silence for a long time. Haymitch watched the crowd out a window, and I focused on a clock that tick-tocked nearby.

"We're going to save her," he said without looking at me. "Don't worry."

Still too stunned to be worried, I asked him, "Will the games stop now…the new games that Coin had planned?"

"I suspect so. She was the one who suggested and supported them," Haymitch answered. "Plutarch told me he was against them. Paylor hates the idea."

I sighed.

This was Katniss' vote…her real vote.

[AN: Last chapter was super long and this one is short – sorry about that. I hope you are still enjoying the story though – more to come. If you haven't already, check out my new story called "Tender Blessings" – it has a very unique plot that I think you'll like. Please Review (either story or both) if you can].


	84. Trials

After the assassination everyone acted as though Katniss had died and I was grieving for her.

Delly kept saying, "I'm sorry, Peeta. I'm just so sorry."

Every once in a while Vick would pat me on the shoulder or my arm sympathetically when he walked past me, but he didn't say much.

Billy looked at me the way he had looked at Gray when he realized that Gray had dragged his best friend's lifeless body into an empty building and left it wrapped only in a sheet just so I'd have the uniform I needed to avoid freezing to death.

"I think I understand a little of how you feel," his eyes seemed to say. "She was special to you, and you can't do what you wish you could for her." Billy said very little, but he spent time with me. The empathy he managed to communicate even through silence might have been more powerful than anything anybody said.

Johanna stopped making jokes at my expense. She gave me several more books and wanted to talk about them once I'd read them. I suppose she thought keeping my mind off Katniss was the best approach, but the untouched books began collecting dust on my nightstand. I grew uncharacteristically quiet, spending most of my time in my room which soon worried my friends.

I heard Vick talking on the phone three days after Coin's death.

"Hey, Del…Yeah, I've got to go out…He's here…No, Billy's out too…All right…Thanks," he said.

"Hey, Peeta. Delly's coming over," he called from the living room. "Make sure to let her in when she gets here."

He confirmed what I suspected already, my friends had re-established the precaution of making sure I was never alone. Delly arrived, and we sat on the sofa as she prattled on about something that had happened at work. Apparently Nadia was dating someone whose desk was right beside hers, and her old boyfriend showed up with flowers. The scene was unpleasant for everybody. I barely listened to the details, and Delly noticed.

"Peeta, sweetie. You can't go on like this. This isn't you."

The worry in her face made me wish I could be stronger and refrain from causing others any more pain.

"I don't feel like talking. I'm going to go lay down," I said.

Delly grasped my hand as I stood up and turned to leave.

"Will you leave the door open, Peeta? Just so I can come by now and then to make sure you're all right?"

"Sure, Delly. If that will make you feel better."

I slept fitfully, memories filling my dreams and Delly's footsteps reminding me of District 13.

_/_

"_What kind of relationship did they have?" Dr. Aurelius asked._

"_I don't know," Delly answered. "Peeta was very private after the games. He rarely talked to me about anything personal anymore. It was almost like he thought we could no longer relate to each other even though we'd been friends all our lives."_

"_But he consistently had this crush on her?" _

"_Katniss?"_

"_Uh, yes, Katniss," Dr. Aurelius reduced his voice to a whisper when saying her name._

_Don't they know I can hear them, I thought. I can hear them talking about that mutt! I wanted to throw the pillow under my head at them, but that would probably only get me in trouble._

"_Well, yeah. I think that much is clear," Delly answers in a tone I know means "annoyed" for her. Most people would still consider it "perky."_

"_Did they have a sexual relationship or were they friends or both?"_

_Why don't they just shut-up? I ask myself. That's nobody's business. Nobody needs to know that, particularly when I don't even know that!_

_Delly sighs. "I don't know. I don't think he's had what you would call a 'sexual relationship' with anyone." She emphasizes the word "you" heavily. I'm not certain why. She gives me some clues._

"_But I think the kisses they shared in public mattered to Peeta very much," Delly continues. "I'm not sure what did or didn't happen when they were alone. I just know Peeta's way of interacting with people, and he seemed genuine when he looked as though he loved katniss. His connection to her only seemed to increase as time went by, and I can say that based on watching them since they were five years old."_

_I'm still quiet; whatever drugs they gave me have slowed me down so much that I can't really respond in a normal way. _

"_How do you feel about this whole situation?" the doctor asks Delly. _

_She hesitates._

"_I feel sorry for him. I've felt that way for a long time."_

_My friend, betraying me to this strange doctor! That's all I need right now. Feels sorry for me? What's to feel sorry for? I tried to kill that mutt who would have killed me, who would kill Delly if she could. Feel sorry for me? Delly should feel sorry for Katniss! Katniss is the one they ruined. She's the one they made into a monster with their twisted games and technologies. I'm still a boy from District 12, and I'm going to get out of here and go home._

I felt strangely disconnected when I woke up. The nightmare took a toll. I ran one hand over the other with my eyes closed. Some of the numb places were slowly regaining the ability to feel. The painful places were becoming less sensitive. The burns required less protection than they used to need, but I still had to be careful. I welcomed even the itch kind of discomfort that was starting to develop in places because it showed I was healing. Slowly healing. If only damage and healing on the inside of me could be so easily described, categorized, measured and observed. Then I wouldn't doubt so much that healing was occurring at all.

/

The next day Haymitch knocked on the door of our apartment. Even though it was afternoon, I was still in my night clothes.

"Get dressed," Haymitch growled. "We've got work to do."

"What?"

"If you want to save Katniss, we've got work to do! Where've you been anyway? Dr. Aurelius has been trying to call you. I thought you wanted to help."

I didn't have any good answers, so I just did as Haymitch told me to do.

/

"So you're saying she had a lot of nightmares?" Dr. Aurelius asked.

"Terrible nightmares," I clarify. "Every night. She never told you about them?"

"Peeta, she hardly talked to me. I treated her when she hallucinated about the snakes in District 13, and I gave her advice about managing stress and anxiety. She rarely told me anything. I had to observe most of what I learned about her, and there are some facts that no doctor cannot learn through observation."

I nodded.

"Can anyone corroborate that she had these nightmares," he asked.

"Haymitch and Effie could testify to the fact that she had them on the train. Her mother knew she was having them at home, I think."

I knew why he was asking who else knew about the nightmares. He'd already told me that being considered "mentally unstable" made me an unsatisfactory witness for the defense in Katniss' case. So Dr. Aurelius and the lawyers planned to gather information from me, and together we'd find ways to confirm what I told them.

What amazed me about the whole process was that going over my memories of Katniss and her responses to everything we'd been through together helped me knit together my memories in a way I'd have never thought possible. A whole new world opened up to me. I was finding confirmation of things that I had never been sure of before. I worried about Katniss constantly, but preparing for her trial enlightened me in many ways.

"Okay, discuss the nightmares with them and find out the specifics of what they know about them. I wish you could testify, Peeta. What you said about her showing up at your house disoriented and underdressed in the snow is very compelling, but nobody else would know about that."

"No, but it really happened."

"Oh, I believe you," he said sincerely.

"So, Dr. Aurelius, what are you going to say about her? Johanna says you are probably going to make her sound crazy. Is that true?"

"As you know I don't like the term 'crazy,' and I really wish you didn't use it," he gave me a glare. He knew I used the word to put myself down. "I think what's happened to Katniss during the last few years of her life has seriously impacted her mental health. Essentially she's progressively become more psychologically unstable. Wouldn't you agree?"

I hesitated.

"I'd agree. Katniss wouldn't."

"My job is not to have Katniss agree with me. My job is to present my findings honestly to the court. My conclusions so far are that Katniss suffered and continues to suffer from psychiatric symptoms because of trauma. She's endured tremendous amounts of stress, grief, loss, fear, and manipulation during the last few years. This amount of pain could break anyone."

"She's going to hate you for saying that."

"Let her. It's the truth, and it may save her life."

_/_

My nightmares that night were some of my worst since Snow's assassination.

_What they are doing to Katniss reminds me of what the man in green did to me, except they are going to kill Katniss. On purpose. I'm going to close my eyes or look away at some point in this horrible process. Haymitch has promised to watch because I thought one of us should, and he thought it shouldn't be me. _

_They put restraints on her ankles, her wrists, and across her waist. She raises her head and looks around. I look up at the ceiling, taking a long and deep breath to steady my nerves. Haymitch pats my shoulder and sighs. "You can still leave," he says. "She won't know if you're here or not."_

"_No," I tell him. "I can't."_

_I glance at Katniss again, afraid she's still looking around. She's not. Her head rests on the small pillow they've placed under it. Small comforts seem senseless when they will kill her soon. I'm not sure Katniss understands what's happening to her. Maybe she doesn't, but suddenly her hand grips the sheet underneath her. I know she must be afraid even if she doesn't understand that they are going to kill her because she used to grip the sheet like that during her nightmares. Katniss' hands form fists. Again, just like when she had nightmares. She pulls her wrists up and realizes she can't get free. The mockingjay is trapped. She struggles against the restraints and screams. That's when I have to look away._

_They say that executing Katniss this way is more humane. They say this will prevent what happened at Snow's execution. They say a lot of things. I say that she doesn't deserve to die for killing Snow. We victors all know that Coin was reinstituting the Hunger Games, which is something that should be punishable by death if you ask me. Perhaps Katniss went about it the wrong way, but she saved the lives of the children Coin would have murdered._

_I focus on President Paylor to try to distance myself from Katniss' screams. Paylor tried to save Katniss, but in the wake of dictatorship nobody would give her enough power to make a decision like that on her own. So here she stands, reluctantly giving the order for Katniss' execution. _

_Then I hear it, Katniss' voice. She's singing "The Hanging Tree." Without thinking I rise to my feet and reach for the glass._

"_Me too!" I tell Haymitch when he tries to pull my clawing hands away from the one way glass through which we've been watching Katniss. "If they kill Katniss then they should kill me too."_

_/_

"Me too. Kill me too," I heard my own voice moan.

Strong arms shook me furiously.

"Don't say that, Peeta! Just don't! Wake up!" I heard a familiar voice yelling. Whoever was talking shook me harder. I opened my eyes.

"Billy?" I questioned.

He let out a deep breath then backed away to sit on the floor beside my bed.

"Don't say that! That stuff about wanting someone to kill you," he repeated. He ran his fingers through his hair and scrubbed his face with his palms a few times. "Please don't say that," he reiterated. His eyes looked wide and desperate when he looked up at me. As I sat up I realized just how upset Billy was.

"I didn't mean it," I explained. "Nightmares are like that. Things happen that you don't mean. When I wake up, I'm just glad they aren't real."

Billy's eyes shifted to the floor.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. I guess that's true."

I'm not sure my reassurances made him feel better. To be honest the nightmare will probably stay in the back of my mind for a long time. I suspected many things were stuck in the back of Billy's mind as well. I looked over at the clock and see that it read 6 am. In four hours I was supposed to meet Haymitch and Dr. Aurelius at the training center so we could to see Katniss. The only way to keep my nightmare from coming true was to continue to do everything I could to help her.

/

Being inside the training center again unsettled me, but I had good memories as well as bad ones of this place. Oddly, Katniss was imprisoned on the twelfth floor in the same room where she slept as a tribute. Personally, I thought that was cruel and potentially disorienting, but maybe the people in charge of the prisoners didn't understand the mentality of a former tribute.

Walking through the hallways I noticed that the training center looked more like a prison than it ever had before. Desks, visible cameras, and additional locked doors had been added. The guards searched me for weapons, which was rather painful given that my burns had not completely healed. It was public knowledge that I'd been burned, but it bothered me to have these guards know exactly where. Prison guards made me nervous anyway. Even if these were from District 13, I didn't trust them.

My thoughts flew back to my fears when we stayed with Tigris during the war. I feared Katniss' capture more than death. Did District 13 torture prisoners? Would they torture Katniss? Anxiety built as we walked to the elevator.

"What you thinking about, Kid?" Haymitch asked.

"Whether or not they are treating her well?" I answered.

"Dr. Aurelius said to be prepared for her to look different," Haymitch told me gently.

"Are they hurting her?" I asked, my voice suddenly starting to tremble.

Haymitch turned to me.

"Don't you think I would be in Paylor's office raising hell right now if I thought they were hurting her, Peeta?" He asked me, his stare as intense as I'd ever seen it.

"I suppose you would be," I told him.

"I know this is hard for you, but we need you here. Sometimes you are the only person Katniss responds to in any way. But nobody wants to see you have a set-back either, so if seeing Katniss turns out to be too much for you just let me know."

I nodded, now somewhat reassured that Katniss was safe even though she wasn't free.

Dr. Aurelius met us outside Katniss' room…or cell. I'm not sure what to call it.

"How is she?" I asked worriedly.

"Honestly, she's not doing well," he answered.

My heart sinks. I'd hoped to see her strong. She's always been so strong, but maybe Dr. Aurelius was right. Everybody must have a breaking point. The Capitol found mine when I was in prison. The war and Prim's death brought Katniss to hers.

"Do you hear that?" I asked Haymitch.

"What?" He answered.

"She's singing," I told him. And she was singing. Her voice rose softly, but I'd know that voice anywhere.

"She never sings anymore. What does that mean?" I pondered aloud.

"I don't think that's a good sign. She makes no sense at all when I try to talk to her, Peeta. She's been clawing at her skin and ruining her skin grafts."

I grimaced, knowing just how painful that must be. It was dangerous as well because infection could easily set in. Why would she hurt herself like that?

Taking a step forward, I reached for the door but Haymitch held me back by pressing his hand to my chest.

"Are you sure you want to do that, kid? What if it's worse for one or both of you to see each other right now?" He asks.

"I'll just have to take that chance," I answered.

I looked to Dr. Aurelius for his reaction, and he nodded his approval for me to open the door.

The room was bare, nothing like I remembered it. Katniss wore prison clothing. A mattress lay on the floor. She was sitting on it, staring at the wall. She didn't look at me, but she kept singing. That warmth that I associated with Katniss even in the worst times of the hijacking's effects filled my chest again. Her hair was matted, and her skin was covered in scratches.

I stared at her, watching for some remnant of the girl I love. She was there. I knew she was, and I still loved her. Nothing changed that. She turned to me, still singing, but looked right past me at the wall behind me as if I was not even there. To her, I might not be there. She abruptly stopped singing, and I shuddered at the change in her demeanor. Perhaps I should leave, I thought.

"Red," she said.  
I nodded. "Red," I repeated, not knowing why. I just thought it might comfort her for somebody to interact with her.

"Red dress," she said.

"Yes, it was a red dress," I confirmed. Pausing, I considered what I should say next. "Does anyone know the Valley Song?" I asked gently.

She raised her hand, sat up straighter, and started to sing it as confidently as she did at five years old.

Even though I knew it was impossible, all I want to do was hold her.

She kept singing as Haymitch peeked in the door to watch her. Dr. Aurelius asked a question, and I heard Haymitch explaining the significance of the Valley Song and the red dress. The intimacy of the moment was disturbed by their discussion, but I reminded myself that they were trying to save Katniss from severe punishment. I could not question anything they did if I expected to help Katniss survive.

Katniss turned to the wall again and started singing a song I didn't know. As quickly as her recognition of me came it seemed to leave her.

"Katniss?" I said to her several times. She didn't respond.

I decided to try one last way to help her, and I wasn't entirely sure if it will help or hurt. Moving just a little closer to Katniss, I took her small hand and held it in my fingers. Sadly, there was blood and skin under her fingernails. Amazingly, Katniss didn't pull away when I examined her hands carefully.

"I want to wash your hands," I told her in a whisper.

She looked at her hands with glassy eyes, but she still didn't pull away. I put my arm across her back and under her elbows and lead her to the sink. I made sure the water was warm and then washed her hands as tenderly as I could. My own hands weren't completely healed, but the water didn't bother them much since they are covered with the special bandages I still had to use. I planned to care for them after I was finished taking care of Katniss. My hands moved clumsily, though. They just don't work the way they used to work.

Katniss watched me, glancing from my face to her hands and back again. I smiled.

"You washed me once," I tell her. "Twice actually."

She looked bewildered.

When I've washed her hands and run the water under her nails until they are clean I look around for a towel. Finding nothing I just hold her hands in mine for a few minutes while they dry.

"Don't hurt yourself anymore, Katniss. Please," I pleaded with her.

Her eyes were still empty, but she looked at her hands and then to her arms. She knew what was I was talking about. Haymitch cleared his throat and whispered my name. When I turned around he motioned for me to come outside. Reluctantly, I walked Katniss back to her mattress. She didn't sit. Instead she just stared at the opposite wall. I took her hands in mine and lead her to fall to her knees. Then she sat down. I shook her hands gently in mine more time.

"No more, Katniss. Please," I said again. "Don't hurt yourself."

She turned her head and stared at me. I recognized the look. She arrived at my house with that look sometimes after her nightmares in District 12. This time I could not love that look away, and a deep helplessness overwhelms me in the wake of realizing that I can't make any of this suffering stop.

"Peeta!" Haymitch said again.

I backed out of the room, watching her the whole time and waving to her as I left.

"Okay, that was bizarre," Haymitch commented.

"I'll give you that, but it was very _Katniss_," I told him.

"Yeah, _crazy_ Katniss," Haymitch added.

I glare at him.

"She can't go to the trial," Dr. Aurelius said, "There's no way. We can show them a video of her acting this way. That will probably only help her case."

"You really are going to make her sound crazy aren't you?" I asked Dr. Aurelius.

"Can we use the term 'PTSD' please, Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius asked with a touch of irritation.

"Someone suffering from PTSD then," I corrected.

"She _is _suffering from PTSD," he argued.

"Trust me, to Katniss it won't matter what you call it. I just hope she will have the ability to care what you say about her again at some point," I added.

I looked back at Katniss' cell, wondering if this version of the girl I love will be part of my nightmares tonight. For certain, it felt like a living nightmare to see her this way.


End file.
